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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my husband a lier?

34 replies

Anmaria · 25/02/2019 16:41

I found some messages on my husband's phone ( had strong suspicions of him texting/seeing another woman). He was saying to another woman that he loved her so so so so much, missed her and wished he could lay on top of her and that she was perfect to him... Her replied to him was I love you so so much too... He told me that they don't love each other, he didn't mean it and that they haven't had sex. We have been together 22 years, married 17 and two teenage children. He hardly ever wants to make love to me. Only twice a year for the past 5 + years. He says he loves me and doesn't want to split up. Can he be trusted?

OP posts:
Yellowcar2 · 25/02/2019 16:47

I'm sorry this has happened to you but it really sounds like he has been / is having an affair. Is there anything else happening at the moment that would suggest he is unfaithful?

boredboredboredboredbored · 25/02/2019 16:49

What do you think??

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 25/02/2019 16:49

Can he be trusted?

No

Dimsumlosesum · 25/02/2019 16:50

Your relationship will NEVER, ever be the same, no matter the outcome of this.

Original poster
Anmaria · 25/02/2019 16:54

He's saying that they don't message anymore but I'm sure they still do. I have her number on my phone and more often than not their online and last seen on whasapp are at the same time... They also work on a project together...

OP posts:
lettymoo · 25/02/2019 16:57

I really don't think you need to ask whether he can be trusted

SirGawain · 25/02/2019 17:02

He's a liar and not a convincing one at that

Middlrm · 25/02/2019 17:03

It’s not good so sorry 😐

Friday2019 · 25/02/2019 17:05

How awful Flowers

It certainly sounds like whatever they have or had was much more than just colleagues or friends. He has crossed the line, you already now this don't you - otherwise you wouldn't be posting this. If he hasn't had sex with her, he certainly has thought about it and if he was willing to put something like that in a text then I would have thought he'd follow through with it given the opportunity.

Maybe he feel's bored or neglected, but that is no reason to stray outside of the relationship. Now he has, I don't think your relationship will ever be the same.

Have you thought about calling her?

Original poster
Anmaria · 25/02/2019 17:08

It's hard having been with him for such a long time. If they were flirting or even sexual messages I could deal with that. But the Love you so so so much and the being perfect for him that was very hurtful to read.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/02/2019 17:10

You really have to ask? He's cheating on you.

BricksInTheWall · 25/02/2019 17:11

As far as you can throw him.

So sorry OP.

Friday2019 · 25/02/2019 17:14

Yes, you are bound to feel extremely hurt and upset by what you have found.

On the one hand I am sure you feel like saying to him, if he feels that way about her, then leave as that's disrespectful to stay with you. Have you talked to him, you need to have an open and honest conversation with him. What you have found is concerning and you need answers x

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 25/02/2019 17:15

he must think you button up the back!!

Honestly, him saying nothing is going on is the absolute best minimisation I think I have ever heard on here.

If you want to believe that I really think you are extremely foolish!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 25/02/2019 17:16

He’s having his cake and eating it. Got his wife at home and a mistress in the side. Go and see a solicitor

Original poster
Anmaria · 25/02/2019 17:20

Thanks for your message. I know she's also married with same age children. When I found the messages I took a picture of them. On the messages they were arranging a meeting the next day about slim tie draws ( she's an interior designer). I messaged her saying 'I hope your meeting with my husband goes or is going well regarding 'slim tie draws'. The Wife. She replied with a '?' And '!' To that I forward her the screen shot of their messages. She never replied. I did that before my husband knew I had found the messages..

OP posts:
ConfCall · 25/02/2019 17:27

The chances are he is planning to leave you once your teenagers are grown OP. Take some control. Don't let him dictate.

Original poster
Anmaria · 25/02/2019 17:28

We have had several conversations and he's saying that he doesn't want to lose me that he loves me and won't let me go that easy and that this other woman means nothing to him and that he wants me... I have asked for his bank statements from all last year and I'm still waiting for them....x

OP posts:
LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 25/02/2019 17:30

No he can't be trusted. Telling another woman that he loves her is worse than fucking her if you ask me. Sorry op Flowers

Original poster
Anmaria · 25/02/2019 17:36

Exactly my thoughts.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/02/2019 17:41

You need to ask this ?

Your husband has been having sex sith another woman and then gaslighting you.

It doesn't get much worse than that.

liitlepenguin · 25/02/2019 18:40

No Op ! Take control here. Start getting those ducks lined up in a row!

Lozzerbmc · 25/02/2019 19:47

So sorry OP this is awful - when were the messages? I think you need a serious talk with DH about it and see how you feel. I agree ‘love’ is worse than shagging someone.

gambaspilpil · 25/02/2019 19:55

God what a truly awful thing to read. I couldn't have coped that and would have asked him to leave. Probably not nicely either. My OH knows if that if he ever does anything like that he is out. I have real issues with trust and couldn't cope with second guessing everything. Your DH is a liar and is panicking as he has been caught. Sounds like him and the OW were enjoying there wee affair and happy to keep their respective partners on the side. I really feel for you as this would be my worst nightmare. Hugs from me

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 25/02/2019 19:57

He hasn't lost you op.
He threw you away.
He is making you out to be unreasonable for binning him.
He has checked out of your marriage already.
Ltb.