Feel like I hate my DH since we had children. I don’t know what to do!

[TheLastPharl]

NC for this.

I have six month twins. Desperately wanted babies after several years of infertility and expensive treatment. I’m also an older ftm at 40.

My relationship with DH is going steadily downhill to the point where I’m not sure we’re going to be able to save it. I’m starting to feel like I hate him and that he doesn’t deserve to be father to two such lovely babies.

He loves them, but he is just so detached from everything. He’s suffering from depression which makes things really hard. I try to be supportive, but the worst part of my just thinks “sort yourself out ffs and be grateful for what you have” I have to constantly nag him to do anything and I’m starting to get really really resentful.

Sometimes I think I should let him do things his way, but then I get enraged at the way he does them. For example he was sitting with babies yesterday in living room while I painted upstairs. He wasn’t talking to them or interacting apart from shaking a rattle at my son. I went down to check them and he was basically asleep. It just enraged me because he didn’t wake up until 8am, whilst I’d been up since 6am after being awake half the night. I’m painting the sodding bathroom and he can’t even stay awake to interact with his children.

It just makes me so furious 99.9% of the time. I love my children so so much and I just want him to be a better dad to them

You're both new parents.
It's a huge change.
Neither one of you have it all figured out.
Give yourself a break and give your DH a break too.
Is your DH getting treatment for his depression?

If your husband is depressed he will be more tired, and unlikely to be able to interact well with your babies, as you said it makes you detached. I think unless he is getting help for the depression, and recovery can take time, he isn't going to be the father you were hoping for. I know you are tired too but I'd say he needs some more support rather than you hating him 

What does 'more support' look like do you think?

What's he doing to sort the depression out OP?

Depression aside for a second. This is why they say never to have children to fix a relationship (that's not what I'm saying you did btw). Parenting is HARD especially in the first 6-12 months.

We have 3 children and each and every time we bicker like you wouldn't believe over who is more tired and who is doing what. Then life settles down and becomes the new normal.

Have you had a conversation about how you feel (not the hate bit)? I think it would help to set some small goals too or at least agree certain things, like sleep for you both.

He does need to get help for his depression if he isn't already.

What has triggered the depression? The twins? Or something else?

If he’s getting help and medication for the depression I think that changes things a little - my dh has severe depression, without medication he’s unable to work- I think all you can do is muddle through as best you can, as frustrating as it is if you love him. But if you don’t love him, that’s different. You don’t have to stay with someone - even if they have depression or other difficulties.

He’s been to his GP and she recently upped his AD dose from 20 to 30 mg. I can’t see it’s making any difference yet though. He has an appointment with the mental health nurse at the practice in a weeks time. The GP suggested he self refer to talking changes for therapy but apparently that’s a waste of time.

I just don’t have anymore support to give him at the minute. I’ve got two babies to look after and I’m exhausted. All I can think to do is detach myself so we aren’t constantly arguing. Perhaps I should stop asking him to do things/suggest things we should do and just leave him too it?

What would more support look like for me? Well he never takes the babies in the morning for me to get a lie in. I’ve asked but he just never does it. He’s sleeping downstairs atm as I’m co sleeping with twin two who is a hourly walker! He sets his alarm for 8am, comes upstairs and just gets into bed. I had to drag him out at 10am yesterday! I’d appreciate him taking them out in the pram which again he’s never done. He makes all the right noises but never does it.
I’d appreciate some help in the house. I do nearly all the cleaning and I’m having to hire a cleaner this week because I just can’t keep on top of the filth!

@MaverickSnoopy we try and discuss things, but after a day we are just arguing again. He says I have unrealistic expectations whereas I think he expects his life to just go on like it did before!

@FairyLea We moves just before the twins were born. We had been in London but moved back to where I’m from in another part of the country. It was so my parents could help us with the twins. I know he’s found it hard (as have I) but he’s just not really trying imo. Plus he makes zero effort with my parents who do a lot for us. They are starting to view him as a useless good for nothing and I just feel stuck in the middle of it all.

I just want to be happy and enjoy the babies I’ve waited so long for. I do love DH and I just feel like we aren’t enough for him

Sorry for my appalling spelling and grammar. I’ve had about four hours sleep thanks to my little boy constantly waking up!

Can I just gently play devils advocate.

You’re exhausted by your own admission, so why are you painting the bathroom? If the twins are settled and happy with just having a rattle shook at them go and get some sleep.

I know you have this idea of how you want your DH to be but I think you need to give it more time. Twins are graft! But also babies are quite boring to the vast majority of men and a lot of women. They just are. Men tend to improve a bit when they can interact more.

I would say to him, I need you to take the twins out for a walk at x time today please. Secure agreement from him and then make your own plans for that time. He sounds a bit shit but he also sounds depressed and like he’s surrounded by people telling him he isn’t good enough. Tell your parents to butt out

You have all my sympathy. Those first few weeks are really hard and exhausting and with two you must be wrecked! I remember screaming at my DH once when he asked me 'but what needs doing' and me losing it because why couldn't he SEE the dishes, the laundry, the mess etc. He's totally on it now though but at first he just couldn't see why I was doing all this stuff. Could you try being very prescriptive with him. Write down 5 things you need him to do daily or tell him exactly what you expect when he's looking after them? Many dads I know just turned the telly on and held them which is annoying if, as I was, you've got them on a routine so them happily falling asleep at the wrong time was as disaster. Treat it like a new job, plan and execute and try to take emotional expectations out of it until you're getting a bit more sleep maybe? Things will get better I promise!

Sending hugs. Twins are so bloody hard, people can’t understand how hard until they have them. I remember people saying to me that it’s twice the work but it’s more than that as when you’re dealing with one you have the other crying, when you’re interacting with one you have guilt about the other, they tag team in the night until you have no sleep at all. The first year is brutal and I can barely remember it.

My DH was very good, helped in the night and let me rest, but I still found myself incandescent with rage over things like the fact that he never made a single bloody bottle or he never took them out on his own. He still hasn’t done those things to be fair, but he does lots of other stuff. He’s brilliant with the boys but even more so now they’re older and easier to do things with.

Do you think you might be depressed? Took me a long time to realise I was and for me it mainly made me angry and anxious rather than low mood which I think is why I didn’t realise. My DH also struggles with depression and has had some rough patches and I know it can be so hard to be the one who’s holding everything together. I hope things improve for you soon.

@Elodiesflower I was painting it because the radiator is all rusting and it’s been driving me mad. My DH response to me going to paint it was that it didn’t need painting! He never sees anything that needs doing with the house. I do hear what you’re saying about how it’s not essential but I get so stressed when these things need doing.

Maybye the problem is I don’t find the babies boring and I want him to feel the same? They are such happy lovely babies. I even find watching him interact with them annoying a lot of the time. I know my heart should melt but instead I just feel irritated.

I do try and be prescriptive. I’ll ask him for a cup of tea but have to ask three times. I told him yesterday we would take babies and dog out after we were both dressed. He came down from getting dressed and asked what was for lunch instead, despite having had his breakfast two hours ago.

Perhaps he is surrounded by people thinking he can’t do anything right, but it’s because he makes zero effort to try! I can’t tell my parents to butt out because I need their help with the things DH isn’t doing.

Hi OP. I am sat here with 6 week old dd laid on my chest whilst dp is upstairs snoring away and has been since about 9.30pm last night which is a typical night for him. I've done three bottles in that time and probably slept from 12-2.00pm then 3-5.30am. Now i am up for the day with a dd who wont settle after her morning feed as she has terrible wind.

I have days where i feel the same today will probably be one of them. I can see upthread someone tried to play devils advocate and know exactly what they mean. I find i can be guilty of being my own worst enemy. Obviously dp works however he does offer to do the night feeds but doesnt hear dd wake. He does however tell me to wake him up but do i? Never! My thoughts are he is at work and doesn't need to be tired and it's pointless us both being tired.

He also has anxiety / depression is medicated for it and has CBT which helps massively but sometimes i can't help but think he plays on it a little. Like you this baby has been a long time in the making it's taken us four years,two mmcs and a stillbirth to get here so i too get a little fucked off when i feel like he is not making the most of it.

That being said, he is actually an amazing dad! He does try. He does some things better than me when i give him half a chance and on a wkend if he knows i need it he takes over on a morning and lets me sleep a bit longer. Even an extra hour can make the world seem a better place.

I guess what i'm saying is i understand and it's shit but also that life has changed a hell of a lot, especially with 2 wow i don't know how you cope! You deserve a medal! But yes take advantage of when you can sleep the babies aren't coming to any harm with their daddy and i am almost 1 million per cent sure he loves and cares for them as much as you and is trying his best.

Was the moving away to be by your family his decision too? Has he transferred with his job?

Having depression and sleeping down stairs every night won't help him. Is he in an actual bed downstairs?

If just watching him interact with his own children is irritating you, I don't think there's much hope in it. Babies are dull as dishwater and he's probably wondering why the focus of his relationship suddenly hates him.

Babies aren’t as dull as ditchwater. That is such a Mumsnet thing to say and it’s frankly bollocks. They are lovely happy babies and they love talking too you and interacting. They deserve better to be just stuck in front of tv while their dad either nods off or watches football on his phone. Football is about the only thing he’s interested in these days!

@SinkGirl perhaps that’s the problem though in that I don’t find the twins a nightmare. Yes I’m knackered and really need some sleep, but I can honestly say these babies make me happier than anything else ever had. Perhaps I’m being unfair expecting DH to match that, but I’m struggling to manage my expectations of him. I feel like if it was just me and my babies I’d be fine and then I feel terrible for feeling that way.

He’s not sleeping on a proper bed. I’ve told him to sort one out but he hasn’t! I even said if he orders another mattress we can have a floor bed in here if he takes the bed down. Again he hadn’t done it. Perhaps he likes sleeping on the couch sitting on the PS4 until 1am

He sounds hopeless. I have twins and know how impo it is for both parents to contribute to parenting equally. Did he have depression before you had the twins? Or after?

'Was the moving away to be by your family his decision too? Has he transferred with his job? '

Was he happy to move?

What about work?

Don't leave your DH in the first year after having a baby, probably longer for twins. This is my advice to any woman (unless he is abusive, cheating, etc as that's different).

You are under immense pressure, hormones everywhere, and many men don't share the physical and certainly emotional load. Many women want to leave at this point, but this is a phase, not a glimpse of what your ongoing life will be like.

This phase ends, and it gets better. Many blokes don't 'click into' their kids until they are older and can talk back, kick a ball, etc. That's perfectly normal. He is dealing with his depression too, and that's not just going to go away. It makes it harder still on you, though. Getting more support really might be a good idea. Is that feasible?

Sounds like you both need to be kinder to each other, TBH

You have different expectations of what must be done, and how to do it and you are both in the awful not-quite-newborn-but-not-yet-old-enough-to-sleep-through stage of having babies - and twins is definitely more than twice the work

Do you ever get time just the two of you?

The lack of initiative and get up and go is the depression.
DH struggled to get out of bed most days.
Expecting him to order a mattress would be beyond what DH could manage when he is at his worst.
Exercise is proven to help, so arrange for him to take the babies on a walk at a certain time of the day.
Also, hide or sell the PlayStation, see if it makes a difference.

My baby is now 9 months old. Ebf and a terrible up every hr sleeper, so i get the exhausted part! I also get the resentment towards your partner, mines never got up in the night, rarely gets up on a morning to give me a break, has to be prompted/asked to do housework, he just doesnt see what needs to be done, its so v frustrating! His selfishness/ineptness has caused us alot of issues/arguments. But he is a hardworker, is great with our older son and loves us to bits and keeps trying to change, so we should get thru this....just.
You sound like a lovely mum, congrats on your twins im not sure what the answer is but if he doesnt/cant change then im sure you'l be just fine doing it alone x

I think it's pretty common I had 2 easy lovely babies loved mat leave and both times there were occasions where I hated the very sight of my husband and had no time for him. I wonder if there's a hormonal or evolutionary aspect to it as we become so focused on the babies the males in nature and in the past usually impregnate then piss off

It sounds like you've got so much on and a move like that will take a toll.

I hated my husband for a good year after we had our babies. Every time. You are just so tired and all consumed by the babies and how keeping them safe is everything that I was so annoyed by anyone who did differently.
Dh is an incredible father and support to me and my children, when the children got a bit older. He just wasn’t great at the baby stage. But I’m glad I didn’t leave him when we were right in the midst of it.
Try and talk to him. I realise that’s easier said than done, but could he do things practically more. Could he have not painted the bathroom?