Feel like I hate my DH since we had children. I don’t know what to do!

[TheLastPharl]

NC for this.

I have six month twins. Desperately wanted babies after several years of infertility and expensive treatment. I’m also an older ftm at 40.

My relationship with DH is going steadily downhill to the point where I’m not sure we’re going to be able to save it. I’m starting to feel like I hate him and that he doesn’t deserve to be father to two such lovely babies.

He loves them, but he is just so detached from everything. He’s suffering from depression which makes things really hard. I try to be supportive, but the worst part of my just thinks “sort yourself out ffs and be grateful for what you have” I have to constantly nag him to do anything and I’m starting to get really really resentful.

Sometimes I think I should let him do things his way, but then I get enraged at the way he does them. For example he was sitting with babies yesterday in living room while I painted upstairs. He wasn’t talking to them or interacting apart from shaking a rattle at my son. I went down to check them and he was basically asleep. It just enraged me because he didn’t wake up until 8am, whilst I’d been up since 6am after being awake half the night. I’m painting the sodding bathroom and he can’t even stay awake to interact with his children.

It just makes me so furious 99.9% of the time. I love my children so so much and I just want him to be a better dad to them

Totally understandable that you feel fed up with him. He isn't helping at night, getting up with them in the morning or thinking about your needs at all.

However, even though your parents are helping, I think you should absolutely stress that it is not their place to chastise your dh. That will push him away further and make the relationship extremely strained.

I think you both could do with some help talking to each other - would either of you consider couples therapy?

I have twins too. They're 8 now and life is easier!

My only advice to someone in your situation, having been there myself, is to try to think long term and remember that this will all change relatively soon.

My DH slept in a separate room for his own safety. My day with twins under one was pretty much 24 hour; I could nearly tell the difference between my work load in the day and my work load at night. I most definitely did not need a snoring presence alongside me for the hardest part of those 24 hours! On a couple of occasions he slept in our room and I was seriously tempted to actually kill him. So I suggested he move out again for a bit longer!

There were two things I asked my husband explicitly to do that helped:

1. In the week, I went to bed in a separate place from 8-12 while he responded to the babies (waking me to breastfeed if necessary). This became my staple sleep time, but I adjusted to sleeping early.

1. On Sunday morning he took them out for a two hour walk. Two hours. No coming home early unless there's an actual problem. I fed them before they went, and then got in the bath with a book for the whole two hours! Every week. Don't accept any moaning about there being nowhere to go; we live in a tiny village and he just pushed them round and round the street for two hours! They were wrapped up warm and slept for the journey.

If you can clearly define a couple of things and then help make them happen you might get at least some time alone and some sleep?

It doesn't last forever. We became like housemates that coexisted until things got easier. For us that was when the twins were about three years old. Then we had another one

Obviously trying to cope with twins without support from DH must be both exhausting and frustrating.

I have lived with a loved one with depression who would have been no help whatsoever and wouldn't have been able to order a mattress either.

The GP prescribed ADs, which can in fairness take months to get right or not help at all for some people. She also prescribed daily exercise. In our case the depression started to lift after maybe 3 months and life is now so very different and so much more enjoyable for all of us.

You are experiencing the illness and not the person. With treatment things may well improve out of all recognition. DH probably is completely incapable of being the partner you want and need right now but actually needs a lot of kindness from you.

The idea of making him take the twins for a walk each day is perfect. Bear in mind that he may not be able to get them ready himself.

My advice would be get as much support as you can from friends and relatives and if possible pay for support too. Forget taking on extra tasks. Be kind to dh, order him a mattress yourself and make the bed for him. Be on his side, having depression is beyond awful. He is missing out on his babies due to this illness and could also be a suicide risk.

DH must however take responsibility for his recovery. This involves regular GP visits, daily exercise, trying to eat healthily and sleep regular hours (may need a daytime nap), I would suggest also giving CBT a go and maybe one task a day.

If you can go to his GP together that may also be good.

I really feel for you OP. The first year is really really hard and I relate to those feelings of frustration and fury that you're the only one seemingly doing anything.

Tbh I'm not a fan of the baby stage so I can understand that he is not engaging fully all the time, especially with depression. My DH got a lot better at the 1 year point as he got so much more feedback - plus he realised that the tiny baby in front of him was an actual human being with feelings and a personality. It seems silly but his life has changed massively with the move, two babies plus a wife who (naturally and necessarily) is no longer focusing on him. I would imagine that the sleeping on the sofa/playing on the PS4 is him trying to escape a bit unfortunately.

I think you probably need to lower your expectations a bit and also talk to him about how you're not feeling supported. Equally ask him about how he's feeling about the move and work etc.

You shouldn't have to do this but I would give a list of tasks he needs to do every day to support you more, and ask him to do the same for you. Even if just three things - eg. bring me a cup of tea first thing, make sure all the dishes are done and surfaces wiped before bed, take the babies for one hour after work each day so I can have a bath/shower.

Then at weekends he needs to get up on one of the days and take them from you or take them out for two hours in the day time - either for a walk or a drive or whatever (whichever he is most likely to do tbh).

You need to try to work together as a team and given his depression the push probably needs to come from you

Mine weren’t a nightmare, they were delightful most of the time except at night but I felt completely out of my depth, the responsibility was overwhelming, I felt like everything had changed for me and very little had changed for him, I was also pumping every two hours which was torture, my hormones were a mess and I didn’t realise how much my mental health was suffering until I completely fell apart.

I think you maybe are expecting too much in terms of his emotions - most of the time in that first year my overriding emotion was fear, anxiety and responsibility rather than love and happiness. I did love them absolutely but it was more about keeping them safe than anything else (we had months in hospital and serious illness to contend with so I’m sure that impacted things).

Many men do not bond with small babies in the way women do, their experience is very different, they don’t have the hormones we do, and most mums I know say that the dads weren’t smitten with their babies but certainly became that way as they become more interactive. My boys are still non verbal and make limited eye contact, but my husband is a doting father now when in the beginning it all felt like he was going through the motions, the difference is that I was too so we were both in that state for a while.

I agree that you do need to be prescriptive. what would help you - sleeping in shifts, him taking the babies out for a walk every day (trust me, this is the time to do it - when they’re bigger and mobile and don’t like being in the buggy but don’t have any sense of safety, taking them places is a nightmare for a while), him taking over something specific (doing all the laundry, dishwasher, making bottles if they have them etc).

He needs to stop staying up until 1am playing games for a start. If he weren’t doing that he’d be more able to help you out. Getting him involved in domestic chores and childcare will help him feel more productive, getting him to spend time alone with the babies (without TV or watching football) will help him bond. He needs to get involved in family life in a way he isn’t currently, depression or not. I had severe postnatal depression and anxiety but I had to step up and get on with it - he needs to do the same. Yes, it’s hard to do when you’re mentally struggling but it has to be done when you have children.

My DP got up every feed every night with our twins. And then went to work. He was 100% fab with them between 0 and 10. From 10 to 16 he was pretty shit.
So perhaps yours will flower as a dad later.

Your comment about "things like that annoy me" re the radiator is telling tho. Can you not relax and do nothing? Do you see sitting half asleep on the sofa as inherently lazy? It could be that you're quite the super woman and he's finding your efficiency and activity just way too much to match.

So wonderful that you have your babies and are enjoying them so much. It is a tough time first baby - extreme highs and extreme lows of emotion. Harder that you have 2, harder that you have moved, harder as you have been wounded by fertility and harder that you are older. Really tough that you OH is suffered depression at this time and you are suffering this along side him. Have you managed to get out to any parenting (twin specific) groups - as you will find many who are in th same boat right now - and that really helps.

Could you look to do everything side by side - so that he is engaged and you can get things done your way, right the first time? So clean the bathroom together, empty the dishwasher together, sort the laundry together? It will stop him drifting off from the task and you having to nag him to do it - as you can just say at 10 we are cleaning the bathroom.

Mornings are difficult the most difficult time with depression and it would be good if you both got out before 11 to walk the babies together. Agree get rid of PS4 - this is a “dissociation” opportunity where depression drags you down a rabbit hole. Tight sleep schedule is important for both of you and PS4 will wreck this.

I'm so glad there's a few comments mentioning about hating the DH when babies are small. Count me in the club! When my DS was born when DH went back to work he hardly helped with him and my resentment towards him was bad. It peaked when baby was 2 months old and one night looking at him snoring my own thoughts and feelings towards him actually scared me! Pure hatred.

My DS is 4 months now and things are getting better bit by bit. My DH is not depressed though bare in mind.

Things that have helped me:

Talking to DH honestly and asking him if he thinks he's doing enough. Then telling him how IMO he's not doing enough, what he can do and that I'm questioning our marriage and sanity because of this. Reminding him we both wanted a child, not just me so why is he leaving it all to me. I spoke to DH once and he improved slightly. Then I wrote to him in text messages a few weeks later how I'm still feeling things are shit. I was brutally honest and said I don't think our marriage will last if things don't change. After the text messages things have improved loads. Up until text messages I sent he didn't have a clue how I felt despite me thinking I told him and gave him enough clues about how unhappy I was.

If dishes are not done sod it. There's always the next day. Or tell DH to do them. I'm guilty of doing them loudly to make a point until my DH comes and offers to take over.

Cleaner is an excellent idea, especially as you've got twins. I considered hiring one with just one kid!

Take all the help you can get from family just to get some sleep.

As long as he's not putting them in harms way let him have little interaction with them. Just go to sleep and when you wake up you'll be happier and realise your babies are ok and chances are happy too even without a lot of stimulation.

Good luck

Is DH working?

It's easy ime to have strong feelings of resentment and other negative feelings with someone who is depressed if you don't have a good understanding of depression. Dh probably needs your support at the moment even more than you need his which is a tough reality. But things can really transform in just a few months or so.

Your DH is still part of your family and he is ill.

I know you are exhausted. I know you are hurting. I have been you and I have been your husband.

Focus on the immediate. Don't undertake big projects (unless of course it is a must). The big project is keeping your lovely children safe, keeping you functioning and getting your husband well.

Go to the appointments with him. Ask friends and family for help - don't languish in a secret. Ask for help.

If the medication isn't working then you need to try something else (anything and everything). Can you get someone to look after your children for an afternoon? Spend some time with your DH - go for a walk. Change your scenery.

There is no magic pill. There is just time and refusing to let depression win.

Read this article. I learbt a few things. And yes that would be a crying at 1am with a crying reflux and windy baby and my dp sleeping soundly in bed. Mines is a great dad too. I realised this when I let him be and do things his way. Sounds awful on reading back. Another good idea is to actually go somewhere and leave babies with Dad. Even to supermarket.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.self.com/story/marriage-after-baby/amp