Young children ? Will you stay married, after your children leave home9 say in 10-15 yrs) ?

[Oblomov]

Many people stay for the sake of children don't they ?
I can't wait till ds (3.5) leaves home . Then I will ahve my lovely dh all to myself again. I mean this tongue-in-cheek. But seriously, will I be married, in a loving relationship, in 15 years time ? I like to think so .
Can you say the same ?
Do you neglect you dh, and focus on the children. Will you have a relationship left, with dh, when the children are gone ?

hatwoman - actually, I think it is very, very important that the man-woman relationship be stronger than the parents-child(ren) relationship.

Human beings are about much more than reproduction and survival .

hatwoman if youre otherwise happy i suppose not, nut FIl wasnt and stuck it oput- whereas if he has left 20 years ago when he wanted, he and MIL (who feels she is too old now) would probably have rebuilt their lives more easily, MIL gave up a career she loved to fot in with FILS wish for her to be a home maker- she'd have that, probably a aprtner and so would he.

no Anna - it's important to you. You can't possibly presume to know how important it is for other people

hatwoman - I don't agree. Saying that the man-woman relationship is important is like saying it's important to drink water... just a fact of life

the man/woman or parent/parent relationship is important, but I would not say that it was more or less important than the relationship between parent/child. They are important in different ways.

Comparing an adult sexual and emotional relations with that between a parent and child is like comparing apples with oranges.

Nomdeplume, smug? Goodness me, I am sorry. Life is not a total bed of roses believe me. I struggle with my son ( with my ideals of parenting) and my dh was late home last night. I don't feel smug. I am very sorry if I come across that way.

relationship, that should be, not relation

no. if you don;t drink water you die. what measure are you using for this man-woman relationship thing? what will happen if you don;t have it? I am reasonably sure that whatever you say will be, essentially, subjective.

hatwoman - there is nothing whatsoever subjective about saying that love and affection are essential for human well-being . Essential - like water.

love and affection can come from many sources, anna.

NdP speaks sense.

Human beings need the love and affection of a primary sexual relationship for wellbeing. That's basic biology - like drinking water .

Of course, the more love and affection the better, but you can't replace the basic primary sexual relationship.

Lots of women make this mistake... and then their husbands leave for someone else...

Nomedeplume, I started this thread, just because of Petunias sad post, on the "do you respect you dp" thread.
I certainly didn't mean to be smug. I suppose I am smug about my lovely husband and a p/t job I love, but there are LOTS of things I am not good at.
Which bits sounded smug ?

I think you're probably right - that love and affection is in some way essential (though not like water) but nomdeplume is right too - love and affection can come from different sources and in all different shapes and sizes. it doesn;t have to come in one particular kind of relationship. we're all different and our emotional needs simply aren;t the same. the world would be very strange if they were

love and affection = basic need for life in the biological sense ?

Hmmmmmm.

I'm guessing you haven't got a science background, anna

I understand your point, but love and affection are 'enhancers' if you like. They are not a basic biological need to sustain life (unlike water, food/nutrition, oxygen etc).

How can you be so sure your children will in fact leave home in 10-15 years time?

I'm not a fan of "basic biology" when it comes to discussing relationships. lots of reasons why it makes me feel uncomfy...

hatwoman - I don't think human beings are that different, actually - lots of things are universal to all humans, including needing water, sleep, food, sex, affection, people to care for and people who care for them. The primary sexual relationship is pretty universal as an aspiration among young humans

oh gawd. I'm off to write my lecture on universal values and cultural relativism (seriously - I;m not pulling your leg, it's why I'm on the computer. supposedly)

nomdeplume - what is unscientific about those claims?

Sure, you can stay alive and breathing without love and affection, but you become pretty withered inside.

hatwoman - well, if you move around between lots of cultures, you get a pretty good idea of what is universal and what isn't.

Smug.

Ok, the fact that the thread about people working long hours. The tone of the OP was that of pity for those in the situation of having a partner that worked long hours. Later posts inferred that despite your DH's new management post he was still able to leave on time (or thereabouts), therefore there was no excuse for others not to.

The OP on this thread is a little sanctimonious too, whether that was your intention or not.
'But seriously, will I be married, in a loving relationship, in 15 years time ? I like to think so .
Can you say the same ?
Do you neglect you dh, and focus on the children. Will you have a relationship left, with dh, when the children are gone ?...'

It read, to me, as though it was a thinly veiled statement of 'my marriage is wonderful and willl last forever and can you, any of you, live up to my standards. Are any of you as perfect as me ?'

I apologise if this post sounds harsh, but you asked for an explanation, and this is it from my pov.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but that is my perspective.

'withered inside'

What exactly, scientifically speaking, becomes withered inside ? Your organs ? Your veins ? Your muscles ?

It makes no sense.

ndp - I feel you and I are talking a different language

nomdeplume - "inside" is referring to emotional life. People who don't sustain deep, intimate relationships with others dry up emotionally, and their lives become stunted.