DP Drunk and frightening

[Iamneverfull]

My partner has been out drinking all day. He came back quite jolly and being silly but he's suddenly turned nasty and I'm now feeling quite scared. It started with me eating some left over pizza which he assumed I would leave, he was disappointed it had gone but refused to eat anything. He fell asleep and I knew he would wake up hungry and i felt bad that I ate the pizza so I started making him something. He woke up is so drunk that he thinks I've left the oven on for half an hour and forgotten, he has been aggressively shouting how he didn't want anything and how I could have blown up the house. He's still shouting and talking to himself. I'm in my daughters room and he keeps coming in shouting still. I feel sick and shaky. I don't know what to do, he won't calm down and I've been here before a few years ago and it went on until the early hours of the morning.

We know it's hard to leave and worry about the future but you and your dd deserve so much better than this, why should you have to hide away in your own home because someone cant control their drinking or temper, that's no life. Do you own the house, can you go somewhere quiet tonight.

Thank you for the lovely replies. My parents live quite far away, I'm worried im going to worry them. They have been through this all before with him. They are supposed to be on holiday tomorrow (I live near the sea ish) and i don't want to ruin it. They will be disappointed that this has happened after how far he has come. It's really put me off having a relationship again, I find it so frightening how they can be so nice and then so scary.

Are your mum and dad supposed to be staying with you ?

A truly nice person who knew they turned into an aggressive shit when drunk would make damn sure never to get drunk.

No they are staying nearby, leaving in the morning. I will ask them to drop in on the way and ask for their help

Yes you are right, I didn't think of it like that before. I will remember that. I learn so much from mumsnet. I've had 2 previous abusive relationships, this one isn't as bad only after drinking or if I do something that 'messes up his OCD' his words. I grew up with very little respect for myself and bad ideas of boundaries and I have got so much better just from reading advice on here. Clearly not quite there lol! But I did set boundaries in place which work fine when he is sober but everyone is right, its not good enough. I will probably do the freedom programme after this.

Call the police, lovely. It will help to have it documented later down the line. Stay safe xx

I highly doubt that's just alcohol effects, that sounds like something else in the mix maybe Coke?

Go somewhere, anywhere else your safety is the primary focus here

It's appalling inexcusable behaviour I wouldn't tolerate.

Lots of hugs
Been there
Thinking of you
Keep posting
These fab people on here saved my life

Best to never return it seems
So sorry you are going through this

I woke up to him having a nightmare, he was in the next room screaming. He got up and came into the room I was in and was telling me about his nightmare. I told him how frightened I was last night, he didn't really believe me at first. He has been getting really bad recently with checking things, like locks, switches, thinks everything will catch fire and if anything 'goes wrong' such as the TV had a dead pixel after we had just bought it then he will get very upset. He will get very panicky and start shouting and making his point (He thought the glare from the window is ruining the TV) then he bought a piece of film to cover the window and because he is in such a state he was aggressive, nearly crying and did it wrong. I told him he has 1 month to find somewhere to live and that we can't live like this anymore every time a switch is left on or anything breaks. He spends 10/15 minutes checking on everything every night and will come back from work to check the house and everything in it is ok. I have asked him to go to the doctors so many times as I think its extreme anxiety but he is so stubborn and thinks the doctor will give him something that calms him down to the point he won't check and then everything will break and the house will catch on fire.

His nightmare was that the house was on fire. He said he was very sorry for scaring me but then continued shouting that the oven could have exploded with nothing in it.

It's really put me off having a relationship again, I find it so frightening how they can be so nice and then so scary

"They". Not all men are like this. Once you are out of this situation, I do think you should have some counselling as to why you are in a pattern of abusive relationships.

Your update makes this abundantly clear this isn't about someone who is unpleasant when drunk. He has mental health issues.

Is he ex military?

He’s ill. It’s shame for him, but he is showing himself to be unsafe so you must leave him until he shows he can take some responsibility for his illness and get well.

He sounds as if he is on the verge of a psychotic breakdown. He needs to go to see his doctor and get some help

I agree he needs to see a Dr, btw you don't have to live with him like this.

Your parents will be over the moon if you tell them that you are separating if they have been through this with him before.

His mental health is suffering and he needs help, he shouldnt drin k alcohol if he has this ,level of anxiety. But then you dont have to live like this, I hope your parents help you find a safe place to live. How old is your daughter.

So sorry.
This checking behaviour and anciety is OCD, he needs cognitive therapy, if he is committed it works.

gambaspilpil

I'm interested to know what makes you think he is on the verge of a psychotic breakdown.
It sounds time that he has OCD (with the continual checking and fear of fire) but nothing he to suggest he is having auditory delusions or hallucinations or paranoia.

CoolJule43

There is a change in his behaviour
He is unusually aggressive
He is shouting and talking to himself
He is preoccupied with fire and things blowing up
He believed the glare from the window was affecting the TV and bought film to cover it
He is checking locks and switches and is obsessional

Psychosis isn't always obvious and can be very subtle. Many sufferers use alcohol or drugs to deal with the distress it can cause.

He may be taking drugs and have drug induced psychosis hence the short lived nature of these events or he has learned to mask them and drink or drugs brings them to life. Or it may be OCD however the OP description doesn't reflect a man living with OCD rather someone who has suddenly changed and is scaring her. The issue here is the OP is scared and something needs to change

Are you okay OP? Have your parents arrived?

I have DX OCD and that does sound like OCD but such behaviour can also occur with PTSD and other conditions. Your safety is still paramount though and if he has somewhere else he can go (family?) he should. And he should absolutely be seeing a dr ASAP.

Iamdanish - I've tried cbt numerous times it DOESN'T work for everyone (I'm on a number of OCD forum too and people there have also found it doesn't work for them always) no matter how "committed" so please don't post such ill informed "information" I'm assuming also you're not a mh professional?

There are some people and some conditions where cbt is actually contraindicated too.

I too think a psychotic break may be imminent - I've had 2 myself and this is eerily similar except I wasn't aggressive I was extremely scared of everything/everyone - the hallucinations were the last thing to happen.

Hope both op and her boyfriend are safe and being looked after/supported.

Op you don't necessarily need to wait for him to call medical services you can call them yourself especially if your safety is threatened he may need to be admitted for his own sake and your safety.

Hello sorry its been a busy day. He's booked a doctors appointment for next week. Which is a big thing for him
He's absolutely fine today, he says he realises that he doesn't feel good at the moment and he has read my posts. He's had a bit of a shock about himself I think. We have been together for many years, he had a previous time like this but it calmed down after he went very healthy, started running and took proprananol. But its been creeping back. My parents are nearby but I told them I will see them on Wednesday. It's so hard because I really do love him but its difficult living with him when he is getting very stressed. Seeing him on the verge of tears over the washing machine etc is horrible and I would like to see that he gets help for this (now I've called down) as he isn't having a great time living like this. Thank you for all your advice, I have suspected OCD and also Autism as he hates change also. Not that I'm an expert! Do I go with him to the doctors?