Is having sex as soon as possible the answer?

[user82016]

Whenever I meet someone I like, 9/10 they will say something that is emotionally vulnerable (can be anything, even something they’ve said where they come across less confident or shy) before we are intimate. I then can’t be intimate with them as I just totally go off fancying them.

However if we happen to be intimate before any sort of vulnerability is shown, after vulnerability after sex us suddenly ok and feels normal.

What’s going on? I have definitely missed out on a few decent men this way..a year or so later I see them settled down with someone with a family! It’s not them, it is me.

Is having sex as soon as possible the answer? I can easily wait at least 4 months.

That should say “any vulnerability after sex is ok”

How interesting! Yes, I would just go to bed with them straight away, in your circumstances (speaking as a woman who has always liked to get busy a.s.a.p with a new partner anyway). Get in there on the first date while it's still lighthearted.

I feel like that would be the less awkward way of doing it but I also worry that I have some sort of issue with this vulnerability thing

Would it bother you if your number of partners is high?
Personally I think you need to explore this more.
Make sure you practise safe sex if you go ahead with that plan!

It does seem weird, but then little things can just completely put you off someone. The smallest things they do or say. They do for me, anyway, especially if I'm consciously trying to decide about someone.

It’s come up again because I’ve met someone great. I’m just terrified he will say something that makes me cringe about his vulnerability.

Once we’ve had sex or even kissed actually, I can deal with any vulnerability and don’t mind it one bit. I don’t understand it though

All sounds very primal. I'd just go straight to sex. That way you know whether he is any good in bed as well.

Primal in what way?

I would like to get past this without this issue rather than go in and have sex ASAP. I don’t know if it’s posisble though

What's out you off in the past?

Just to float an alternative theory: perhaps either you are not in a space where you actually want an intimate relationship (whatever your rational mind may be telling you) or alternatively these blokes are needy potential cocklodgers (and again your subconscious is telling you something useful). But if you have sex, the oxytocin rush overrides your spidey-sense of "something about this isn't working for me..."

I guess I'm trying to say, beware deliberately setting out to over-ride those warning signs. They may actually be telling you something useful. (Not a moral judgement BTW - I have had very nice relationships which started with ONS).

Oh some pseudo science stuff like you have a primal need for a protector/caveman type, biological instinct.

That’s interesting...maybe that’s right. The thing is I do really like this one and would like it to progress. Definitely not a cocklodger.

It’s possible maybe I don’t want a full relationship, though it feels like i do most days.

Just want to move past this point ASAP. Maybe a kiss would do it!

Waiting as long as 4 months means 4 months without sex. Not a happy option in my book. The sooner you get started the sooner you discover if they are really for you.

Why am I so scared of intimacy :( I hate feeling like this.

OP you sound very much like me, I don’t like a man to open up to me until after sex either as I look at him very differently, all this nonsense about women wanting a sensitive man isn’t true for me.

Also, having sex as quick as possible is not the answer, make a guy wait as they then want you even more, most guys are generally only thinking of sex with a new woman, and so if you sleep with him straight away then he’s got what he’s wanted, whereas if you make him wait then he gets to know you more and starts to like you, he doesn’t have to divulge information that makes him vulnerable though, but have you thought that some of these guys are just pretending to be vulnerable so that you do sleep with them, and haha you do the opposite and go off of them. Most normal people don’t divulge these intimate I’m vulnerable type information until they know and trust someone, so I’m a little sceptical about them telling you things so early on.

PS only make a guy wait for sex if you want a meaningful relationship, otherwise jump straight in, you don’t need to have sex right away but there’s other things, I’d be testing his tongue abilities before anything.

I’m not really a ‘just sex^ type of woman though, if I’m not really into a guy then I wouldn’t be able to enjoy sex with him, plus I can be quite shy with my body and stuff, the more I like a guy then the shyer I am, and I’m better in bed once I’ve gotten to know a guy, if this makes sense.

Is having sex as soon as possible the answer?

Working out what's going on is the answer. Maybe. Because I know the reasons I prefer a tall, triangular shaped, hairy, slightly beaten-up looking man, and they're not wildly healthy reasons. But that doesn't change the fact!

But do you really not kiss someone for 4 months? I tend not to manage 4 hours. If I don't want to kiss them, what's the point?

Yeah 4 months is like a lifetime and I don’t believe that many men would wait that long. Mind you my stepdad waited 6 months to sleep with my mother, but she had been through the mill with her previous husband, my first stepdad, and she had zero confidence about her body, etc, etc, but how many men would actually be as good as my stepdad? I don’t believe there’s many men like him at all, but after everything my mum had been through with the bastard before him, then she deserved a great guy, the only issue was that they both had the same first name & both shortened it the same way, with his name then you can have about 3 names from it!

I usually wait about 2 months before sex on average.

I agree that kissing I could probably get on with sooner! I think I almost look for problems or flaws in the men.

Kissing is okay for the first date, and sex is too but only if that’s all you want, I have had sex on the first date and then went on to have a long term relationship with the guy, but I wouldn’t do it again, there’s definitley something to be said for making a guy wait.

The thing is I’m not doing it to make them wait.

I just feel I go off them if any vulnerability is shown and then sex is unlikely to happen.

Your clearly just after sex so can’t you join one of those hookup sites where that’s all you do, and maybe put in the profile, or whatever it’s called, that you don’t want to talk about anything serious beforehand, or something to that effect, there must be hundreds of men that only want that too!

Something like ‘light conversation ONLY before any sex had, please leave your vulnerabilities for more serious matters’ I think most men would get your jist here!

I’m not just after sex though. That’s the problem really. I want a full on relationship.