Is having sex as soon as possible the answer?

[user82016]

Whenever I meet someone I like, 9/10 they will say something that is emotionally vulnerable (can be anything, even something they’ve said where they come across less confident or shy) before we are intimate. I then can’t be intimate with them as I just totally go off fancying them.

However if we happen to be intimate before any sort of vulnerability is shown, after vulnerability after sex us suddenly ok and feels normal.

What’s going on? I have definitely missed out on a few decent men this way..a year or so later I see them settled down with someone with a family! It’s not them, it is me.

Is having sex as soon as possible the answer? I can easily wait at least 4 months.

Okay so the next time you meet a man that you like them just be honest with him and tell him that you’ve went off guys previously because they’ve made themselves look human too quickly, that’s the only solution.

You want a manly man until the sex is out the way and I’m the same.

Yes that’s exactly what it is! Manly man until after sex. Then I can deal with any vulnerability.

Maybe you’re right and the best thing to do is be honest.

Your definitley better to be honest there, get it out quickly so that they don’t ruin it and go on to say ‘my last girlfriend broke my heart because...’, that would just be awful.

I was once dating a guy whom I fancied for ages, he was a rough diamond, or so I thought, he kept crying at his past when we met up and I stopped fancying him. Leave the tears for at least a year in!

Can we please stop viewing sex as somerhing a woman gives to a man. It is something shared.

If he adopts neanderthal attitudes and clears off because of pants off, it is better to find out sooner rather than later.

Like a pp said, if you are keeping a guy waiting for 2 months, he's probably trying very hard to convince you to have sex with him, which would definitely put me off as well. Get in there first and surprise him before he gets needy!

Why wait for sex if you want to have sex? I never understood why women do this.
If you have an avoidant attachment style (as I do) then sex is a very comfortable way to achieve intimacy without it feeling pressured and uncomfortable. It certainly wouldn't work for everybody but it works for my attachment style.
However I still struggle with too much vulnerability whether I've had sex or not!

I don’t want to rush into sex but I don’t know a way to break down this issue I have with too much vulnerability before sex...which then stops me fancying someone.

Can we please stop viewing sex as somerhing a woman gives to a man. It is something shared.

Totally agree with this sentiment, but I'm not sure that sort of fifties attitude is what's being said on this thread. I think it's more a "sit down and unpick your reasons for feeling this way."

Some women are put off because a man divulges too much to them, and some men are put off women that have sex too quickly, why is one okay but not the other?

I'm personally not arsed and like a man with a healthy dose of emotion....Showing controlling/mysogynisotc/womanising tendencies is what puts me off....

I think exploring your first sexual experiences in a counselling environment would be a better idea then sleeping with someone ASAP.

You sound extremely conflicted.

Closet if I am honest I would be attracted to that control sense at first. Later on I am not!

But sadly any ‘nice’ things at the start mean I go off fancying them. Such a mess really.

You like Bastards OP?

Not that I’m criticising if you do OP, I’m the same in all honesty, I think lots of women are, ‘nice’ guys just aren’t sexy.

Yes I think so. Actually I think it is more that I feel comfortable and safe and in control when with someone who isn’t consistent and plays games.

A nice man and I’m lost.

User82016 it just so happens i’m available for a date😀

I’m exactly the same, I seem to thrive on men that play games, people have told me that this is because deep down I don’t really want a relationship but all the guys I’ve gotten into relationships with have played mind games with me, I actually like mind games, am I totally screwed up?

As long as it’s not a nasty mind game though.

People say I have low self esteem and deserve better but I genuinely just don’t fancy nice guys, nice guys do finish last with women, just like the saying goes!

Though, bad boys tend to be shit in bed, nice guys are far better shags, weird eh.

I've felt like you in the past and did some soul searching as personally it wasn't making me happy - I think that I was actually scared of the fallout that would happen if I ended things after being intimate.

I felt as if letting it get that far meant I had the potential to hurt the other person if at any point afterwards they liked me more than I liked them and I ended it.

Ridiculous I know (especially as my confidence and self image was at an all time low!) but worth thinking about... i had an issue with anxiety about confrontation and realised it had extended to my dating life.

When I realised game playing on either side is exhaaaausting I could relax and let things unfold naturally. It's been life changing!

Why should it be weird? Doesn't it make sense that nice guys would want their partner to be sexually fulfilled?

I do know what you mean. I usen't to be able to let anybody who KNEW me have sex with me. I found it easy enough to have sex when it was with someody who still saw the version of me that I portrayed, iykwim.

I'm not like that any more but it took conscious work.

Not weird as such but I think because most bad boys have had many shags then you’d think that they would be great in bed, but quality over quantity without a doubt. Bad boys are selfish fuckers in bed and it’s all shag, shag, shag, and I’m not a fan of penetrative sex unless I’m on top, I much prefer oral, but bad boys don’t even attempt it because they know that they’re shit at it, and too selfish anyway, whereas nice guys take it slow.

@Duchess that sounds like me too, if they properly know me then suddenly I’m very conscious of myself.

some men are put off women that have sex too quickly, why is one okay but not the other?

Because they've also had sex. It's hypocritical. If sex too soon is an issue, they shouldn't do it.

OP,
You sound like you need to see a counsellor to work through this issue.
Every healthy long term relationship is going to have each partner sharing vulnerabilities with each other. In my opinion, having sex is the culmination of a period of time building trust and love in other ways with a person. Having sex with someone before you've got to know each other properly (including sharing any flaws and vulnerabilities) just creates a false sense of intimacy that has no long-lasting foundation. The sex might be fun, but when trouble comes (and it always does), the feel good hormones don't tend to stick around and you need that foundation of friendship to keep the relationship going.

It takes a lot of trust for most men to be vulnerable with anyone (thanks, patriarchy). A man's girlfriend or wife is often the only person they will let see them cry. To be turned off by that vulnerability would be really hurtful and a confirmation of the messages the patriarchy has told them about manhood (be strong, conceal don't feel, the only acceptable male emotion is anger, etc).

These posts are so interesting. I do think I need to talk it through with someone but to be honest I’m not unable to deal with vulnerability, it’s just the point before sex where i find it really awkward and horrible!