New guy, not sure what he’s thinking

[Jynh]

Sorry if this ends up a long one.. just wishing I could read minds!

I met a guy on a dating app and we spoke for a couple of weeks before he asked me out for a drink

Will try and make it brief
Date 1 - really nice, drink at a smart place, got on well, then he took me to a cool little bar he knows, got tipsy but not smashed. Went back to his and sat on the sofa talking for a bit but he didn’t try it on and didn’t even kiss goodbye! This worried me a bit as I thought does he not fancy me?

We messaged each other as soon as I left and all day the next day. He suggested meeting during the week after work so we organised this

Date 2 - 2 days after the first date we were both at home without much to do he suggested meeting so went for an evening walk and a drink. Again really nice and weren’t drunk so was great no awkward silences and just got on well. Again no kiss goodbye which worried me again!

Date 3 - as planned before date 2, went for a walk and dinner, after dinner we didn’t want to go home so we went back to his, watched tv for a couple hours on the sofa and chatted and laughed and had a nice time. Then we were just laying on the sofa talking and he finally kissed me. I ended up staying the night and we slept together. It was such a nice evening and night and we were totally sober so not drunk sex or anything. Talked loads in bed too. In the morning we had breakfast and he kissed me goodbye we both left he had work I had a day off.

I was feeling super good after this night but also nervous as guys have such a tendency to disappear after sleeping with someone. I messaged him later in the day and he replied but seemed slightly off said he had a stressful day and was knackered. Next day (Friday) he text me asking how I was and we spoke for a bit. I asked when he’s next free and he said early next week as he was off for a weekend away early sat morning. He was pretty quiet that day but obviously was away so busy etc so I was ok with it. He then didn’t reply to my last message and it had been maybe 2 hours so I sent (in hindsight) a slightly moody text saying good chat... I felt bad after as he replied saying sorry been busy! Being sociable

Obviously shouldn’t have said that I was just having a bad day overthinking everything. I’m really scared of rejection. Later that evening while he was out he was messaging saying he was tired and not having a great time and then that he was off to his hotel. He said goodnight.

I know this probably sounds like a lot of rambling and TMI but I just want some advice as I feel like I’m going a bit mad. I really like this guy I felt like we clicked, but I am aware we only met a week ago. Three dates in a week is a lot and sleeping together. I just don’t really have any idea how he’s feeling and keep worrying that he’s being off. I haven’t felt worried until after we slept together and I think it’s a combination of that and the fact we don’t have any concrete plans like we did after the first and second dates.

I know my feelings can’t be THAT deep as it’s been such a short time but as I said I am so scared of rejection and terrible for letting things take over.
Any takes from what I said on what he may be feeling/thinking?

Last night I asked what time he’s back, and he said leaving afternoon, what you thinking?

Did he mean are you thinking we could see each other? I didn’t say anything about that just said what I was doing at the time..

I really want to see him and gauge from face to face a bit more what’s going on, but will I seem too keen if I say ‘I really wanna see you’

Any advice would be great!!

Did he mean are you thinking we could see each other?

Yes.

If you want to see him, then say "Fancy meeting up after you get back tonight?"

Don't say anything else and if he replies, "I think I'll be too tired" or anything like that, do NOT suggest an alternative date. If he wants to see you again, he'll ask.

It's hard to say what he's thinking if its just been a week, however I always believe in my gut instincts. If you think he's not very interested, you're probably right. But I would give him a chance as he may have been genuinely busy, but if he carries on playing it cool, I'd leave it.
It could be for any number of reasons, maybe he thinks it's moving too fast and he's after something more casual?

Try and keep yourself occupied and don't message him anymore..... You know women get a lil bit crazy after sleeping with a guy because we get that flood of oxytocin (bonding/love hormone) and it makes us feel a bit insecure and interestingly men tend to go the opposite way and retreat slightly..... Once I found this out it helped me to deal with the way I felt sometimes after I'd slept with someone.... I think its actually helped me massively knowing it.

Just keep yourself busy and occupied and let him come to you in his own time, if he doesn't then get yourself back out there and meet someone worth your time and energy ❤️ life is too short to be investing in people who aren't investing in you.

Have you ever heard of Matthew Hussey.... Check him out on YouTube. He gives out great relationship advice and I think I've binge watched every single video of his 😂. But he has some great advice about setting standards for yourself and not accepting behaviour from men which is sub standard.

You do sound a bit overkeen with all the messaging. I would back off a bit and see what he does.

You may have scared him off, with message overkill.

Take a step back & chill

He’s met up with you 3 times in a week, play it cool now, he seems nice and seems to like you..what’s the rush. Ask him if he had a good time and if he’s not too tired you could grab dinner or similar.

Sometimes it’s best not to overthink and enjoy what you have, it’s really hard to let go of that though but worth it when you do. Hope he’s as keen as he sounds just be lighthearted and fun, good luck

Ah do you think? I’ve not doubled messaged except with the ‘good chat’ one which once he replied I said sorry having a shit day! Have fun! And we’ve spoken normally since. I just messaged and said was going to suggest meeting tonight but I’ve got an early start and you’ll probably be knackered when you get back, so maybe tomorrow even if you don’t finish early we could do something in the evening?

(We already spoke about doing something on Monday and he said he thinks he has an early finish but will check)

He replied and said yeah sounds good, still need to check if I’m finishing early

Still stressed. Think I will be until we’ve met up again and I can see how he seems face to face.. I hate all this!

What a beautiful post @VixenSixen

Maybe don't sleep with a bloke so soon next time if you're going to get so stressed about it! Wait until you know him better and know how he feels about you?

@Jynh

Don't over invest

It's been a matter of days - it's not a relationship - it's a nothing atm

And in future don't sleep with guys so quickly (because it'll just inflame your rejection fear/overthinking/anxiety

@gina2012 Thanks..... Done a lot of work on myself the last 12 months so I identify with a lot of the things OP said I her message 👑

You need to chill out a bit.

You keep stressing about silly little things in the relationship e.g. worrying about not being kissed on a first or second date. I think it is a gentleman thing to do to leave it until the third date (and I wouldn't have slept with him on the third but that's a personal preference)

I understand you're scared of rejection but if you just relax and don't constantly text him, you'll be fine! It's only been a short time.

I can tell re the work @VixenSixen - me too!

Well done to both of us

Thanks, I know I’m stressing too much, it’s just SO rare for me to meet a good guy and I’m not the most confident in myself so I find it hard to believe someone would be interested. I’m trying to tell myself if it doesn’t work out it wasn’t meant to be, but it’s hard.

Leave him alone OP - men do what they want. If he wants to see you again, he’ll make sure that happens. If he doesn’t, all the chasing in the world won’t change his mind.

Also, after sleeping with a man for the first time, let him contact you first. This is a time when they might lose interest, and you need to see what they do of their own accord.

Never chase after someone, be that a man who’s losing interest or a friend who’s making it hard to arrange a meetup.

Yes, I think he meant do you want to meet up.

However, a word of caution re the messaging...

This... He then didn’t reply to my last message and it had been maybe 2 hours so I sent (in hindsight) a slightly moody text saying good chat... and this... Obviously shouldn’t have said that I was just having a bad day overthinking everything. I’m really scared of rejection.

Massive flags to me. If I were him, you'd be on my mental Amber list for that. Anymore of it, and I'd be shutting it down permanently.

He owes you nothing at this stage, and he certainly doesn't owe you prioritising messaging you over getting on with the rest of his life.

Yeh, good advice to keep busy. I wouldn't give up on him yet. Just make sure you're distracted with things you genuinely enjoy. Don't do ''coool stuff' so that you sound coooool (I'm laughing at MY OLD SELF HERE, not you) if making figures out of clay distracts you properly, do that! Go to a garden centre. Get out your sewing machine. Whatever you genuinely truly enjoy, ykwim? I think that's really good for getting you centred again as it is really de-centering to sleep with somebody and then hear nothing. After four years of internet dating I stopped doing that after I found myself getting angry rather than optimistic when the dates headed in the direction of sex after a few dinners and no discussion at all about what either of us wanted. It is a risk to have sex with somebody after three dates as it makes the fourth date seem simultaneously more important and yet also, less likely. So it's a real head-fuck. So distract yourself and don't be afraid to be honest. Susan Winter is another one with good dating advice imo. She is all about being your authentic self and if people can't handle that or don't want it, they will disappear sooner rather than later.

But @Jynh you have zero idea if he's a good guy

He could be a marauding lunatic for all you know

Please stop over investing

You know women get a lil bit crazy after sleeping with a guy because we get that flood of oxytocin (bonding/love hormone) and it makes us feel a bit insecure

Um, speak for yourself... Please don't tarnish us all with your own brush.

Agreed a slight sweeping generalisation..... But I was just illustrating a point ✌️

You may not have double text more than once but you have been texting a lot when you know he is away. But as spoken since and all good I wouldn't worry about it.

I think he seems keen, "what you thinking?" Does sound like he wants to do something. Agree with PP make a suggestion.

Hope it all goes well.

Definitely chill out a bit!
I made such a thing of these feelings that you’re feeling with someone who turned out to be an amazing guy that I completely shut it down before it had even really started and I know we both still regret it.

Let it happen naturally or not at all. Pretend you like him less than you do.

It's a fair enough generalisation when the OP didn't view it as meaningless sex that she didn't want to repeat. I don't sleep with people if I know before I've slept with them once that I won't want to sleep with them again (all being well). I think if an intelligent man is texting you regularly before you sleep together and then STOPS after you've slept together, if he does still care, then it's kind of insensitive, like he's TRYING to make you insecure!

You are far too invested and overthinking things for a guy you only just met a week ago. Take a giant step back, you're supposed to be having fun.

Back off a bit, you asked, he said he will check.
Now leave him to contact you
This will tell you if he is really interested
Maybe watch some YouTube's on how to be more confident...
It will help you in the long run...
Also you don't need to reply seconds after he replies.. make him see you as a prize worth winning... Not a sweet in a jar always ready to snack on.