New guy, not sure what he’s thinking

[Jynh]

Sorry if this ends up a long one.. just wishing I could read minds!

I met a guy on a dating app and we spoke for a couple of weeks before he asked me out for a drink

Will try and make it brief
Date 1 - really nice, drink at a smart place, got on well, then he took me to a cool little bar he knows, got tipsy but not smashed. Went back to his and sat on the sofa talking for a bit but he didn’t try it on and didn’t even kiss goodbye! This worried me a bit as I thought does he not fancy me?

We messaged each other as soon as I left and all day the next day. He suggested meeting during the week after work so we organised this

Date 2 - 2 days after the first date we were both at home without much to do he suggested meeting so went for an evening walk and a drink. Again really nice and weren’t drunk so was great no awkward silences and just got on well. Again no kiss goodbye which worried me again!

Date 3 - as planned before date 2, went for a walk and dinner, after dinner we didn’t want to go home so we went back to his, watched tv for a couple hours on the sofa and chatted and laughed and had a nice time. Then we were just laying on the sofa talking and he finally kissed me. I ended up staying the night and we slept together. It was such a nice evening and night and we were totally sober so not drunk sex or anything. Talked loads in bed too. In the morning we had breakfast and he kissed me goodbye we both left he had work I had a day off.

I was feeling super good after this night but also nervous as guys have such a tendency to disappear after sleeping with someone. I messaged him later in the day and he replied but seemed slightly off said he had a stressful day and was knackered. Next day (Friday) he text me asking how I was and we spoke for a bit. I asked when he’s next free and he said early next week as he was off for a weekend away early sat morning. He was pretty quiet that day but obviously was away so busy etc so I was ok with it. He then didn’t reply to my last message and it had been maybe 2 hours so I sent (in hindsight) a slightly moody text saying good chat... I felt bad after as he replied saying sorry been busy! Being sociable

Obviously shouldn’t have said that I was just having a bad day overthinking everything. I’m really scared of rejection. Later that evening while he was out he was messaging saying he was tired and not having a great time and then that he was off to his hotel. He said goodnight.

I know this probably sounds like a lot of rambling and TMI but I just want some advice as I feel like I’m going a bit mad. I really like this guy I felt like we clicked, but I am aware we only met a week ago. Three dates in a week is a lot and sleeping together. I just don’t really have any idea how he’s feeling and keep worrying that he’s being off. I haven’t felt worried until after we slept together and I think it’s a combination of that and the fact we don’t have any concrete plans like we did after the first and second dates.

I know my feelings can’t be THAT deep as it’s been such a short time but as I said I am so scared of rejection and terrible for letting things take over.
Any takes from what I said on what he may be feeling/thinking?

Last night I asked what time he’s back, and he said leaving afternoon, what you thinking?

Did he mean are you thinking we could see each other? I didn’t say anything about that just said what I was doing at the time..

I really want to see him and gauge from face to face a bit more what’s going on, but will I seem too keen if I say ‘I really wanna see you’

Any advice would be great!!

You know women get a lil bit crazy after sleeping with a guy because we get that flood of oxytocin (bonding/love hormone) and it makes us feel a bit insecure

I agree entirely actually, while there may be women who don't, my experience personally and of many friends and acquaintances is that many many women do.

Think it's nature's way of getting you to grab a hold of a guy until pregnancy is ruled out. Women and babies who have support and resources survive more than those who dont.

Op - it's hard but distract yourself and chill out.

I would stop sleeping with people until I was able to chill out.

It does seem that he has gone off the boil a bit and if you act so keen then he doesn’t have to make any effort does he? I would prepare yourself just in case it doesn’t go anywhere.

You are really really overthinking this and are far too invested at this stage.

If you know (as it seems from your posts) that you have a tendency to be over-anxious and convey neediness, then this is the time to implement "rules" because it will help to control and dial down your behaviour.

I don't normally agree with "rules" but they can help in this type of situation. If you like someone its normal to be a bit anxious and hoping they will call; it's not normal to be chasing/being aggresive if they don't respond/pestering them and this is a turn off.

Read your post here back to yourself:

I was feeling super good after this night but also nervous as guys have such a tendency to disappear after sleeping with someone. I messaged him later in the day and he replied but seemed slightly off said he had a stressful day and was knackered. Next day (Friday) he text me asking how I was and we spoke for a bit. I asked when he’s next free and he said early next week as he was off for a weekend away early sat morning. He was pretty quiet that day but obviously was away so busy etc so I was ok with it. He then didn’t reply to my last message and it had been maybe 2 hours so I sent (in hindsight) a slightly moody text saying good chat... I felt bad after as he replied saying sorry been busy!

For someone who is self-identified as nervous in this situation, a good rule to stick to is after you have first slept with a man DO NOT text him afterwards or initiate conversation - always wait for him to contact you. It will show you whether he is bothered (barring major life disasters) normally a man who is kind and considerate and interested won't leave you hanging and you'd expect to hear from him within at most 3- 5 days. If you text first, you lose the opportunity to assess their interest and basic manners. Plus if you are emotionally over invested if you start texting first, if you don't get a reply it makes people with your personality type go crazy which in turn leads to the moody huffy message you referred to of the "WELL FINE THEN IF YOU ARE TOO BUSY YOU KNOW WHERE TO GO" type which is never attractive.

On a similar theme, right now I would be waiting for him to ask you out and initiate contact. Don't pester him and if you want a guiding rule to stick to apply a 2:1 contact rule. You can initiate contact with him for every two times he does for you. Don't start a text chain unless he has started two. Don't ask him out unless he's asked you out twice. This kind of thing - it's only for the short term but it will help you keep your anxiety under control and avoid giving an impression of over- investment in a relationship with a man you barely know.

Agreed a slight sweeping generalisation..... But I was just illustrating a point ✌️

I know, but sometimes people feel that this sort of thing validates their actions and makes it 'ok' to do weird things.

It sounds to me like you're not ready to date to find a serious relationship.

Maybe find a counsellor to work with on this as you're a sitting duck for users and other weirdos.

Chatting for 2 weeks doesn't mean you know someone.
Your comment about him being a good guy. He's a stranger. You have no idea if he is a good guy or not.

You had one somewhat real date and 2 lazy dates and were worried that he wasn't coming on to you. Then worried about him disappearing after sex but you went ahead and slept with him the 3rd time you met him.

Then proceeded to pester him with texts after.

Bit harsh I don’t think I’ve been pestering him, after the first two dates he was the one texting me more and initiating conversation. The two lazy dates we actually really nice, walking and a drink and walking and a meal so I don’t get how they are ‘lazy dates’ we are both 25 so fairly young and not really earning enough to be going for fancy drinks 3 times in a week.

I appreciate all the advice and agree that I need to sort my approach out and get out of the habit of getting too involved too soon. From here I will wait and see what happens, hopefully we will meet tomorrow and it will all be fine and I’ll have been freaking over nothing, worst case scenario we don’t meet and I get over the fact that he’s not interested.

Thanks!!

I think it will sound a little too much. You've already told him you can still meet up even if he's late finishing work and you've told him he will be tired after being away. I think it will come across as a little controlling to a man you have known a week. Maybe he wants to chill alone on Monday but would be happy to meet up later in week. I'd leave it to him to contact you and wouldn't message again. I genuinely think you'll have him running away.

When you get the urge to text you can always ask here first, sometime having someone too chat too before you press send, means you rethink it for a little while.
And what you would have sent becomes with insight something better.

Thanks, he actually suggested early next week when we were talking about when we’d next meet. I will wait now for him to let me know tomorrow if he’s finishing early but he said yeah to meeting later if he doesn’t so we’ll see if happens!

Imo your issue isnt low self esteem or oxytocin or any of that. You sound like you have an anxious attachment style. Unfortunately this type of style tends to attract people with an avoidant style - that is - men who drop you, have commitment issues, etc. So no wonder you have learned to be anxious about sex and relationships.

The moody text you sent is a classic anxious attachment thing. Its like a protest to him, "oi your job is to make my anxiety go away, answer me ffs" Unfortunately...its also the kind of thing that repels the type of man who IS actually good for you, someone with secure attachment. A securely attached man would see that text as a massive red flag and drop you before anything real could develop. ..you need to learn about your attachment style and manage it better so that you can find a partner who will eventually, through their dependable presence, help you heal all this anxiety.

If you keep on with the moody behavior you will make your own love life worse and worse. Men who are ok with moody texts like yours are typically not good guys to be in relationships with... by using that type of protest, you literally are winnowing away good guys...

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship

Seriously... there are also many good books on this. This isnt newfangled pop relationship advice, it's based on proper psychological research over several decades. Have a read and if you really want to address this, get into therapy and work on it before causing yourself more pain.

If he's feeling the same way then he'll make sure you know it and it will all work out, if he's not then why would you chase a man who's not as into you as you are to him?
Try to relax and enjoy what's happening rather than worrying and overthinking what might be or might not be.
Accept that you don't need to be a priority in his life right now, you've known him a week. He doesn't have to text you back within a timeframe, if he wants to get in touch he will.
Again, if he doesn't then he really isn't worth investing everything into.

You can't control how another person feels about you, no matter how much you feel you like him. Truth is if he's feeling it too then it'll happen and if he's not then he's not the guy for you

Last year when I was single I went on a few dates with a nice man and we slept together on the third date.

Three days after we slept together I accidentally left my mobile at home when I was on an overnight work trip.

I got home to about 3 missed calls, and three messages progressing from 'are you ok' to 'I'm really worried about you' to 'fine I guess you have more important things to do :

He was the same as you, he apologised profusely and said he was just thinking of me. Unfortunately for me it was too much and even though we went on one more date I just didn't feel like I wanted to carry on.

Too much, too soon.

If you sent me a moody text I'd be letting you down gently in case you were a psycho.

Did you actually text him "good chat" when he went quite because he was busy?

You’ve known him a week. If I was this guy and you’d sent me that stroppy text I would’ve blocked you. If anything has put him him off, it won’t be the sex it’ll be your attitude to him not replying to you quick enough

If you want to see him then suggest so. If you message him and you don’t get a reply then leave it! He will text in his own time. Why should he sit messaging you when he is busy?

Top tip in life is not to be petrified of rejection. It means accepting people who behave badly and treat you like crap just because you don't want to be alone.

Accept rejection as a part of life. Not everyone is suited to be with you or any of us. If you are petrified of rejection you are likely to end up in shite relationship.

I agree with other people -- your anxiety risks pushing people away. If I'd seen someone three times and was away for the weekend with friends and the new person sent me a moody text because I didn't respond to a message within a couple of hours, it's not just that I'd be mildly annoyed, it's that I risk being seriously put off by what looks like neediness.

Your anxiety, over-investment or your attachment style is your own issue to resolve, not his to appease. And as a pp said, you being the one to initiate contact so much means you learn less about a person you are only starting to get to know, because all he has to do is react.