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Original poster

We have to split don't We?

35 replies

PeppyFacePoppy · 24/02/2019 07:40

Hello
I'm married with a toddler. Prior to our child being born we had periods every few months were it just wasn't working but we got through it. Since she's been born it's been ok but the last few months it's fell apart. We're in separate rooms. We don't have sex. I've lost all spark.
I'm on antidepressants and even they aren't making me want to stay

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppyFacePoppy · 24/02/2019 10:05
Confused
OP posts:
Wouldyouorshouldyou · 24/02/2019 10:08

Do you have PND? I had and it it a huge strain on my marriage. I wanted to leave but didn't. Personally I was ill and as I got better I felt better about talking to DH and we made it through.

However if you really feel it's over and you have no future then yes you probably need to end it.

Dizzylin · 24/02/2019 10:08

What makes you stay OP? Do you believe you can save your marriage?

Original poster
PeppyFacePoppy · 24/02/2019 10:15

I've been unsure for a while. I do have PND and I'm on ADS. I stay because my husband wants to give it a go and says this is killing him.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppyFacePoppy · 24/02/2019 10:16

We have good times but overall I'm just not feeling it long term. I feel so guilty feeling like this. We need to think about finances aswell and the logistics of childcare

OP posts:
Dizzylin · 24/02/2019 10:18

What do you want OP? Leaving a relationship is always going to be hard but you have to do what is right for all of you.

lifebegins50 · 24/02/2019 10:20

What are the issues? Disconnection and detachment is a feature of depression.

Do you work? Have any time to yourself?

Any long relationship has ups and downs and a child can cause such a change in your life. It impacts women more than men as we also go through an identify shift, add lack of sleep and it can feel miserable.
Why not talk to someone about your feelings first.

Original poster
PeppyFacePoppy · 24/02/2019 10:20

honestly I just can't see this lasting another 50 years. I don't want my child being introduced to another woman though or staying overnight somewhere else

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppyFacePoppy · 24/02/2019 10:21

I work part time and do get time to myself. I feel we've drifted and were drifting early on in the marriage. We got engaged and married quickly

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppyFacePoppy · 24/02/2019 10:51

Anyone?

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppyFacePoppy · 24/02/2019 11:02

I'm just desperately lonely

OP posts:
TemporaryPermanent · 24/02/2019 11:08

Why do you sleep in separate beds? Could you start to reconnect by sleeping together? Even just holding hands?

Hormonal contraception killed my libido. Small children killed my libido as i didn't want to get pregnant again. Antidepressants can do that too. You could try changing to different medication? I know that it seems ridiculous to suggest that these huge feelings can be changed by a different set of pills, but they really can.

Life will not always be like this. Don't think 50 years ahead, just an hour or two.

Original poster
PeppyFacePoppy · 24/02/2019 11:20

I've been on Prozac for years and it's always worked. I'm not on hormonal contraception we use condoms but we never have sex

OP posts:
Wouldyouorshouldyou · 24/02/2019 12:52

Could you maybe start with intimacy and work on your friendship. When did you last do something as a couple.

Like I said my pnd nearly ended in divorce and I began to look elsewhere. It was the real risk of my stepping over the affair line that made me wake up.

You will be very lonely if your living two separate lives. Sounds like you need to start dating each other again, no sex just re-connect with each other.

Original poster
PeppyFacePoppy · 24/02/2019 14:30

To be honest I just want to end it. I've felt this way for years it's unlikely to change isn't it

OP posts:
CantStopMeNow · 24/02/2019 22:29

I've felt this way for years it's unlikely to change isn't it
Depends - is it your depression talking or are your problems due to stuff he says/does?
there
Previous to PND, what type of depression were you diagnosed with?

I've had depression for most of my life and it's only now i'm beginning to understand the ins and outs of it all and how my specific neurology affects my life and relationships.

If you're not in love then no, the marriage will never get better.

I don't want my child being introduced to another woman though or staying overnight somewhere else
She's his child too and has every right to a relationship with him - and he has every right to move on with his life the same way you do.
As long as BOTH of you co-parent amicably/put your dc's best interest first you can navigate this kind of normal life stuff easily without it having a detrimental effect on your dc.

Ella2103 · 25/02/2019 00:45

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Original poster
PeppyFacePoppy · 25/02/2019 10:01

I wasn't diagnosed with a particular type of depression. I've always been a loner and I find being with people intensely difficult. I know he's going to be devastated if we split so I feel terrible

OP posts:
Bufferingkisses · 25/02/2019 10:08

If you leave your child will stay overnight elsewhere and will almost certainly be introduced to another woman.

You don't sound as if you are completely in touch with reality tbh. Are you able to access any talking therapy to talk this through?

Original poster
PeppyFacePoppy · 25/02/2019 10:10

What do you mean not in touch with reality?

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 25/02/2019 10:13

I think you should reassess the Prozac for a start. Long term use is not great and it's been proved that in many people Ads have no effect but they do dampen libido and stop you rally feeling emotions.

If you can afford private counselling, do that- see BACP website.

If you can't, see your GP and tell them how you feel. Don't just keep getting repeats for ADs as they are not working it seems.

You need to work through your emotions and talking therapy is more likely to help than pills.

Have you ever felt in love with your DH?

What's changed?

Original poster
PeppyFacePoppy · 25/02/2019 10:28

He's a martyr. He's constantly telling me how much he's cleaned the house or how I've ended up with more money than him. He won't say no to his family. It just gets annoying.

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 25/02/2019 10:43

It sounds as if you need to think about couples counselling. These are fairly common issues in a relationship- sharing chores and over-involvement with parents.

what do you mean he's a martyr? Can't you sit down and draw up a list of chores and who does what?

what is he doing for his parents that means he neglects you?

Have you really sat down and explained how you feel and tried to find a solution? I don't get the feeling you have.

If you really care for him it seems very soon to give up on it.
I don't believe in never divorcing but I do think when there is a child you have to do everything you can to try to make it work.

Why are you in separate rooms?
Who instigated that and why?

What are you both actively doing to try to make this marriage work?

Original poster
PeppyFacePoppy · 25/02/2019 10:53

We went to couples counselling but as soon as we got outside he denied all the issues I brought up . It was pointless. His dad phones and goes on for hours about shite and he doesn't tell him to stop. He has an issue with me working part time but won't openly say it. He won't have a joint bank account. Him going to the gym comes before everything. He left the bedroom which was fine by me I can't sleep next to him anyway constantly sweating and groaning.

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CoolJule43 · 25/02/2019 18:11

You say you've felt this way for years. You've clearly made your mind up that you want to split up with your husband. It sounds like there are more negative things about him than positives so I would suggest you bite the bullet and split up.

Get the finances and child custody/access arrangements sorted out and go for it. It will be better for your toddler to get used to separated parents from an early age.

When Buffering kisses said she doesn't think you are completely in touch with reality, I don't think she was insulting your mental state. I think she probably meant that you are being unreasonable if you think your DD won't be introduced to a new woman at some time in the future by your husband. You aren't going to be in control of this.
You could discuss partners not being introduced to your DD until things became serious as long as you realise you would have to live by the same rules.