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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you take primary aged DC out of school for this?

49 replies

Bearsinmotion · 24/02/2019 07:11

DP and I together 12 years, two DC, joint mortgage. He has OCD and exhibits controlling behaviour. In the last few years it has been very difficult. He has a thing about recycling and it is taking over the house. I have tried everything to help but I now realise I was enabling.

Over Christmas things came to a head and he decided we should separate. It was a weight lifted for me. Since then he has tried really hard, but yesterday I got back from a week at my parents and it kicked off again.

I have hardly slept. I have been on antidepressants for a year due to stress caused by the situation and my own mental health is really suffering. I have memory problems, panic attacks, hysteria. I need to get away, but it would mean going somewhere where it would be very difficult to get older DD to school. I know it’s not AIBU, but AIBU to consider taking her out of school for a couple of weeks so I can get my head together?

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 24/02/2019 07:14

I understand the need for you to leave but not why she has to miss school. Its really important for kids to keep their routine when other changes are going on. Why can't she go to school while you get your head together?

Figgygal · 24/02/2019 07:16

Agreed it sounds shit are you saying you need to get away for a break and her come with you?
Otherwise don't see need for her to be out of school

Happygolucky009 · 24/02/2019 07:17

it's going to take longer than a couple of weeks to sort out your head and 2 weeks isn't enough. You need to start making a plan which ensures your children continue with their education and support system is maintained. Things are going to be tricky enough for them and so I think keeping some sense of normality is important.

I am sorry this is happening and wish you all the best !

Original poster
Bearsinmotion · 24/02/2019 07:26

Basically because I can’t stay in the house. Want to get away and get my ducks lined up. I do have a long term plan but need some time to action it.

OP posts:
ionlylovemybedandmymama · 24/02/2019 07:28

Why can't he leave?

Original poster
Bearsinmotion · 24/02/2019 07:31

House is full of crap. I don’t want to live here until it is clean and hygenic

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 24/02/2019 07:32

Could you do it in the Easter holidays?
You'd likely be fined for taking her out of school for 2 weeks as would your husband and you could have education welfare on Your back. Do you need that extra hassle?

cliffdiver · 24/02/2019 07:32

I appreciate that you need to get your head together, but it should be at the detriment of your DD's education.

Were you planning to go away? If not, why can't you get everything sorted whilst she's as school?

Original poster
Bearsinmotion · 24/02/2019 07:35

I guess I could wait till Easter. But the stress is making me ill, I just want to start getting out. But also want to minimise the impact on the DC. Am struggling to trust my own judgment at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bearsinmotion · 24/02/2019 07:37

Yes, was thinking of going to my parents or sisters. I work full time and have another DC so there’s a lot of juggling going on.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 24/02/2019 07:38

Why would you go? Can you look to move out?

I could caution taking fher from school as it will he disruptive but could also be used against you if your partner chooses to fight for residential care. It would not be responsible to disrupt her routine.

Hollowvictory · 24/02/2019 07:39

Could you afford to get industrial cleaners in to sort the house out? Could your parents help you with that financially?

MoBiroBo · 24/02/2019 08:28

Has he sought any professional help? He clearly isn't managing to change his behaviour on his own even if he wanted to.

Happygolucky009 · 24/02/2019 08:29

I assume you are both living in the clutter together currently? Is he making preparations to move out?

I am not sure if you moving out is going to make matters worse..... get some legal advice

IncrediblySadToo · 24/02/2019 08:35

Go. Sometimes ‘life’ just has to happen. Missing a couple of weeks of primary us not going to make any difference.

I would talk to the school, explain you’re temporarily unable to occupy your home and can’t get the DC to school from your temporary accommodation & ask if they can help by letting you know what core work they’ll need to catch up on and if they can help in any way.

How soon do you realistically it’ll be until you get DH out & you can get back in the house?

Hollowvictory · 24/02/2019 08:40

^^ but the op will still be fined even if she let's the school know and so will her husband. £60 per child per parent so £120 per child. That money could be spent in hiring cleaners for a couple days to make the house more habitable.

Dieu · 24/02/2019 08:42

I'm so sorry for your situation Thanks but I wouldn't take your child(ren) out of school. It's less from an educational point of view, and more that it will be confusing and disruptive for them. Best to stay in school if you can possibly manage it.
What about some time off work for you though, so you can sort things while they're at school?
I'd get some cleaners in, blast the place, and get your husband out.
The bit in your OP where you said that life was easier without him there, is very telling ...
Good luck.

kbPOW · 24/02/2019 08:50

Before you take such a big step that will impact on your child (withdrawing them from school) have you sought support for your own mental health? It's incredibly stressful living with someone with OCD and hoarding. Please talk to your GP and look at proper help for yourself so you can seperate, if that's what's right for you, in a less frantic way. Also is the house owned or rented? I know your well-being is important but in making decisions you need to consider the legalities. If you leave your H in a property that you own it is likely that the condition will deteriorate rapidly and it will be difficult to ever get him out of there. I wouldn't be surprised at all that you want out but please do take support and legal advice.

Offside · 24/02/2019 08:58

Could you not explain the situation to school and agree to a home schooling schedule for the 2 weeks you’re away so your DD doesn’t fall behind?

Hollowvictory · 24/02/2019 09:02

@Offside schools can't allow parents to homeschooling temporarily unfortunately. The child would need to be taken off the school roll which would mean losing their place. It's not worth doing that when Easter hols is just a couple months away.

OhTheRoses · 24/02/2019 09:08

You said it was difficult to get her to school not impossible. What is difficult about it?

Original poster
Bearsinmotion · 24/02/2019 10:19

Difficulty is it would be a 45 minute drive to school, plus 45 minutes to nursery for DS then the same on the way home. So DS would be in the car a minimum of 3 hours a day.

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 24/02/2019 10:27

If you kept ds off nursery and left him with your parents while you took your child to school would that make it easier?

cocomelon23 · 24/02/2019 10:30

2 weeks is a long time. What would she do during the day? I imagine she'd be bored and isolated from her friends.

FamilyOfAliens · 24/02/2019 10:41

OP, it sounds like a very difficult situation and I feel for you.

I am a family support worker in a school and if you asked me, I would say the best place for your child while everything is so up in the air at home would be in school, to keep the routine and normality in her life. I wouldn’t recommend you kept her at home while you “get your head together”. That could be very upsetting for her.

Please speak to your GP about how you’re feeling and ask for help to manage the next steps in your life. Ask the school if they have an ELSA, who can provide support for your child to help her deal with the upheaval at home.

If you came to me for support, I’s also put you in touch with a voluntary organisation who can help you with the house clearance.