Would you take primary aged DC out of school for this?

[Bearsinmotion]

DP and I together 12 years, two DC, joint mortgage. He has OCD and exhibits controlling behaviour. In the last few years it has been very difficult. He has a thing about recycling and it is taking over the house. I have tried everything to help but I now realise I was enabling.

Over Christmas things came to a head and he decided we should separate. It was a weight lifted for me. Since then he has tried really hard, but yesterday I got back from a week at my parents and it kicked off again.

I have hardly slept. I have been on antidepressants for a year due to stress caused by the situation and my own mental health is really suffering. I have memory problems, panic attacks, hysteria. I need to get away, but it would mean going somewhere where it would be very difficult to get older DD to school. I know it’s not AIBU, but AIBU to consider taking her out of school for a couple of weeks so I can get my head together?

Thank you all, I really appreciate the different views.

It doesnt sound fair to disrupt her for a break with your long term plan, you need a Now plan op.
try small steps for yourself that doesnt disrupt your dc.

Go

If you’re unhappy and your mental health is suffering then eventually your kids will suffer.

Your children aren’t going to suffer because they’ve missed school for a short while

I have been to my GP. He referred me on to the mental health team, I had an assessment and was “signposted” to a communication skills course...

Tidying the house can be cathartic op.
can you communicate with your dh?

Even a change to your routine can help, op. that doesnt involve getting away.

you have just come back from a week at your parents? Have they agreed for you to stay there longer?

He is incredibly hard to communicate with. Yesterday blew up because I couldn’t fit something in my car to come back from my parents. Texted him, he said it was ok.

Got home after a four hour drive, it wasn’t fine, he had “strongly expressed a preference “ that I would bring it home, I should have realised that, he only said it so that I would come home.

He kept me up until midnight after I begged him to leave me alone. Told me my behaviour made him despise me, shouted at me and woke the kids up. Finally got to sleep, went to the loo about 3 am and he started again.

It might be worth it, but first try to consider all the possibilities.

Is there anywhere you could stay closer? An Air BnB - could you afford that?
After 2 weeks can you 100% go to your long term plan? If not is it likely to end up being longer?
You need a firm end date.
Will you be staying in the same area long term? Will your DC be at the same school nursery?
Is there any way someone can help with the journeys? Is there another parent who lives part way and would take her from there?
Can your family help?

Parents and DSis both happy for me to stay.

Also after your latest update - he is abusive and you should contact Women's Aid.

If you can stay with dsis, is she closer? or wherever it is that your dc can get to primary, the nursery can wait op
do what is best for all of you, you and your dc

Are you saying that school would be a 1 hour 30 trip round trip for 2 weeks?

If so, I'd be tempted to do your plan, and take her as much as you can, but not every day. Are the school sympathetic? Could you discuss a plan with them? I think our school would be very helpful in this situation if it was planned and a one off - ie send home some work etc./suggest the days which are more assembly/PE focussed to have off.

Yes I think that's U. I'm sorry you're going through this and as much as I am a huge advocate for parents looking after themselves, there is no guarantee you'll feel better but it would be very disruptive and unsettling to your DD.

YANBU.

Also after your latest update - he is abusive and you should contact Women's Aid.
^ This.

That's a poor outcome from your assessment. Have you got a local IAPT service or a local DV service you can access? His behaviour isn't okay and you don't have to put up with it. MH issues are not justification for abusive behaviour. It's also impacting on the children and he needs to leave.

What your long term plan?

Does he have any family you could talk to who would convince him to stay with them for a while?

Just to update, he has gone. Don’t know where or how long for, but gone.

It’s quite a relief.

I glad he's gone.

But what is your plan now.

Who's name is the house, can he just decide he want to come back.

Are you clearing out all his 'collections' to make your house safe and hygienic for you and your DC.

Glad he's gone

House is in both our names. We are supposed to be going to Relate next week, he has made contact with a private psychologist/ therapist.

Health visitor is coming to the house next week and I will also try and find a solicitor. Want to understand how to go about clearing the house. What do you do when someone demands their possessions when those possessions are literally rubbish?!

You will probably have to give notice to him to get it removed. A friend divorced a hoarder and remained in FMH it was a long slow process...

FMH?

Former Martial Home, term used by solicitors in divorce proceedings.
Do you have a garage or shed? Could you put everything in one room?

A solicitor can help by writing him a letter to ask him to remove belongings within a certain timeframe..however it maybe a few weeks from now.
One step at a time, he has gone so you have some peace. You said counselling is that for both of you or just him?