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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I have a daughter

31 replies

theoldtrout01876 · 24/02/2019 02:11

she is beautiful and feisty and clever. I love her hugely
She is also very very difficult.
I divorced her abusive dad when she was 7, she is now almost 23.
I remarried and her and Dh got on great, I was thrilled she had a father figure as her own dad had no time for her. All was awesome until she was about 10, I had another daughter then and she was starting to hit puberty. Her and Dh used to but heads.
She was always difficult, even as a tiny child but I always excused it as product of her abusive infanthood. Since the divorce I have gone above and beyond for my kids ( I have 2 sons also with my exh) I have, with hindsight, spoiled them. I have excused all manner of stuff. They are now rather entitled and all have "issues" in different ways.
Anyways, my Dd1 has form of talking to me like shit, treating me like shit and generally being nasty. She can be the most loving person and literally in seconds in the middle of a conversation turn on me.
I have taken so much verbal abuse and contempt from her over the years all the while I have been paying her college bills, I have bought her 2 cars and pay her insurance etc. I am constantly doing admin type things for her as she doesnt like to talk on the phone etc.
She moved out last weekend, into an apartment with her boyfriend, who tho very pleasant, is gormless and really not suited to her. I have NOT voiced my opinion on him though. She moved out as we insisted that when he stays over he has to leave when she does and not hang out in my house when no one was here. It was DH being a prick and throwing his weight around apparently.
Anyways she stopped home last night for first time since she left. Standing in my kitchen laughing and eating hummus when something concerning my Ds1 came up in conversation. I said I had to txt him to make sure he was ok, she flipped her lid, called me a fuckin arsehole. I said you better leave so she told me to fuck off and left. I txt her to express my bewilderment and got the finger emoji in return. She told me to stop texting her so I did. She called me, I was too upset to pick up, she called 5 times in 10 mins. I then get a text saying if I choose to stop talking to her that was my choice and nothing to do with her.
What do I do now? Do I contact her, say sorry for god knows what? Leave her a few days. WTF do I do.

OP posts:
ModreB · 24/02/2019 05:56

All the college bills and stuff is not relevant. She is your child, so that is what you do.

Standing in your home and insulting you is not on. Would she do that to a friend?

Stop being bewildered. Start being a strong person who takes no shit. This is your home, and what you say, is what will happen.

CosmicCanary · 24/02/2019 05:58

I wouldnt say sorry unless I had actually done something wrong.
If you do the message you are sending to DD is "you can be rude and verbally abusive to me but thats ok".

I would message and say:
"As adults I would expect us to talk about our disagreements and I am here if you choose to do that but I am not here to be sworn at" then leave it there.

Is there a reason she flipped out about you messaging her brother?
Dont they get on?

Dohee · 24/02/2019 06:16

It's a bit late now. Why didn't you answer the phone?

Halo84 · 24/02/2019 06:17

I assume she flipped out because she assumed she was entitled to her mother’s full attention.

As she texted you, I would respond about her entitlement and lack of respect. You may want to run it by your husband as someone who knows her. If it continues long term, I’d cut payment on all bills excluding school.

ChakiraChakra · 24/02/2019 06:20

Did she think you wouldn't text her to see if she was ok and that was why she was upset?

I'm another who wouldn't text her with bewilderment. She needs to know you love her, and that you won't put up with being sworn at. I'd also answer the phone, even if the only thing you can do is repeat "I love you, I care about you. It's not okay to swear at me. I know that you're upset or angry with me but I'm not sure why. Please can you explain to me?

It sounds like she's struggling to manage her own emotions - and part of the tantrum is her feeling that you're asking her to carry your emotional load too. Be careful that you don't do that. Your feelings = your responsibility, hers are hers. That doesn't mean don't name and communicate the way you're feeling, just that you need to make it clear you're not expecting her to fix your feelings. "When you swear at me I feel upset" is different to "you make me feel upset".

No apologies. Simple love, and hold a boundary. If she's not used to that expect her to challenge it like a child. Hold firm and beam love.

SwimmingJustKeepSwimming · 24/02/2019 06:42

I wonder whether shed have a different view.

Have you always viewed her as difficult? Does she know this? My parents are similar but are so self absorbed that whenever I didnt fit their mould they labelled me difficult. I really wasnt... also they had a preference for my brother in a big way.

I dont at all condone how she was acting but maybe theres deeper issues it set off. I find it difficult visiting my dad as he was an awful father and small things can trigger a feeling or memory. But to react now looks bad!

Obviously this is my case and yours will be different, but if she's smarting from childhood issues it can be really hard. And really easy for a parent to escape responsibility by labelling the child difficult.

I like the above reply with love and a genuine request with what is upsetting her.

SwimmingJustKeepSwimming · 24/02/2019 06:48

Her first 7 years were with an abusive father, then a couple of years she felt okay and then 10- adult shes struggled with your next partner. She may well feel you've never really looked at things from her perspective or seen how shes felt. Material goods are v different from emotional support and understanding.
If it was when you turned to focus on her stepbrothers that she flipped maybe she just wanted you to focus on her for a bit.

Absolutely i am reading a ton into it that might not be there - but my mums life revolved around her partner and I def felt second to that, she seemed to resent me being there when her partner was. And the brother was a golden child who could do no wrong. Even now she expects completely different from men than from women.

Obviously huge disclaimer that this is my situatuon but its v easy to see just one side!

JenniferJareau · 24/02/2019 06:57

Leave it. Don't message or call her for at least a few days.

Once contact is reestablished, you must let her know that her behaviour is completely unacceptable and you will not allow a repeat or she'll continue to walk all over you as she's been doing for years.

willowmelangell · 24/02/2019 07:15

She wanted your full attention and has thrown a massive hissy fit.
At some point she will get in touch. She is trying a new living situation and will need your help sooner or later.

BelleSausage · 24/02/2019 07:21

Be clear with her why you asked her to leave. Talk about it openly. Draw the line for her so she knows where she stands.

She’s and adult but as your child she obviously still needs boundaries.

category12 · 24/02/2019 10:03

something concerning my Ds1 came up in conversation. I said I had to txt him to make sure he was ok, she flipped her lid

What was this about, something between the siblings? Did she see it as you taking sides?

Quartz2208 · 24/02/2019 10:07

You were too upset to pick up and she is the difficult one

You spoil your sons and one comes up in conversation and you immediately text him

Original poster
theoldtrout01876 · 24/02/2019 16:42

Thank you. I have decided to give her a few days to calm down then I will contact her.
For those who wondered, no I have never let her know I think she is difficult. She has always been hard work though and I have always been her whipping boy. I never retaliated before as she could cause total chaos in the home and I really didnt want the drama. I used to sit in my car in the driveway sometimes dreading coming in as I knew she was upset about something.
I dint prioritize my son over her. I had to text to check on him as she had told me that a friend of his had accidentally blown his brain out at a party a couple of days previously. My son has mental health issues and was hosptalised last year and is actually doing really well. I was so scared he would have been at the party and saw this happen and it would have tipped him over the edge again. She didnt want me to do this as then he would know she had told me.
There are no issues between them, they get on well so I have no idea why she went off on one

OP posts:
SwimmingJustKeepSwimming · 24/02/2019 19:17

So she didnt want you to do it as it betrays a confidence and you couldnt even wait til you'd finished a conversation with her and went ahead and textes anyway....

Nope nope...cant see why there's any issues there..Hmm

IVEgottheDECAF · 24/02/2019 19:20

Op you sound like you think you can do no wrong. Ever.

HollowTalk · 24/02/2019 19:26

I think if anyone talks to you like that you should remove yourself from the conversation. In this case I wouldn't message her first and wouldn't answer the phone. I'd send a message saying, "Nobody talks to me like that in my own home. I deserve respect and won't tolerate you calling me horrible names." Then leave her to calm down. You know she'll be in touch.

SwimmingJustKeepSwimming · 24/02/2019 19:28

She might not. If she cant trust her mum, she may one day have had enough.

poppingoff · 24/02/2019 19:39

Did she explain that she was telling you this in confidence, OP? It was only when she told you and you reacted that she said you couldn't mention it?

I can understand why you wanted to check on him!

category12 · 24/02/2019 19:43

She didnt want me to do this as then he would know she had told me [...] so I have no idea why she went off on one

She went off on one because you were betraying her confidence. Hmm

Halo84 · 25/02/2019 00:52

The new information changes the tenor of things. First, you should not have betrayed her trust. Second, you should have waited until she was gone before texting your son, in a manner in which she would not have been exposed. You potentially interfered in your daughter’s relationship with her brother.

StillMe1 · 25/02/2019 01:20

You really have to show all your children where the boundaries are. I speak from bad experiences. I did not tell my DCs when they crossed the line. The more they got away with the more they ramped it all up until it really became verbal abuse. I only realised that when an outside person told me. I was so down and under all this sea of abuse, I could not see what was going on. It nearly destroyed me and even now I am still not completely over it.
Take care of you You deserve to be treated with common courtesy at the very least. Mothers are not here to be abused by DCs orADCs

pizzabadger · 25/02/2019 01:29

I know it's not what you were asking but she spent her first 7 years of her life with an abusive parents and then within 3 years of you having split with her dad you'd already remarried and had another child.
No wonder she's been a difficult teenager and young adult!

NameChange992 · 25/02/2019 01:44

The new information changes the tenor of things. First, you should not have betrayed her trust. Second, you should have waited until she was gone before texting your son, in a manner in which she would not have been exposed. You potentially interfered in your daughter’s relationship with her brother.

This seems to assume that either the brother knew his sister would be with his DM at that time so would guess that his sister had told the DM, or that the text would explicitly refer to the incident and again betray her.

Neither of those need be true. A general “how are you” text could potentially have reassured the op/ given the brother a chance to seek support without letting on that OP knew anything about his friend.

Original poster
theoldtrout01876 · 25/02/2019 02:01

There was no confidence betrayed. She told me in general conversation. This was not a secret. I just wanted to send a quick text to check up on my son. I dont know why she didnt want him to know she told me about it. I never got the chance to find that out as everything blew up in seconds.
The kid blowing his brains out at the party was not a secret, just something I didnt know. In fact my other son was over tonight and he was talking about it too.
StillMe1 I think you have hit the nail on the head, I have let her do this all her life as she was capable of causing wholesale chaos. It was easier to bite my tongue and walk away just to keep the peace.
I will contact her in a couple of days.

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 25/02/2019 02:01

All the college bills and stuff is not relevant. She is your child, so that is what you do.

Can you call my parents and tell them that? They didn't know. Tell them to reimburse me for driving lessons and my first car too, ta.