So I have a daughter

[theoldtrout01876]

she is beautiful and feisty and clever. I love her hugely
She is also very very difficult.
I divorced her abusive dad when she was 7, she is now almost 23.
I remarried and her and Dh got on great, I was thrilled she had a father figure as her own dad had no time for her. All was awesome until she was about 10, I had another daughter then and she was starting to hit puberty. Her and Dh used to but heads.
She was always difficult, even as a tiny child but I always excused it as product of her abusive infanthood. Since the divorce I have gone above and beyond for my kids ( I have 2 sons also with my exh) I have, with hindsight, spoiled them. I have excused all manner of stuff. They are now rather entitled and all have "issues" in different ways.
Anyways, my Dd1 has form of talking to me like shit, treating me like shit and generally being nasty. She can be the most loving person and literally in seconds in the middle of a conversation turn on me.
I have taken so much verbal abuse and contempt from her over the years all the while I have been paying her college bills, I have bought her 2 cars and pay her insurance etc. I am constantly doing admin type things for her as she doesnt like to talk on the phone etc.
She moved out last weekend, into an apartment with her boyfriend, who tho very pleasant, is gormless and really not suited to her. I have NOT voiced my opinion on him though. She moved out as we insisted that when he stays over he has to leave when she does and not hang out in my house when no one was here. It was DH being a prick and throwing his weight around apparently.
Anyways she stopped home last night for first time since she left. Standing in my kitchen laughing and eating hummus when something concerning my Ds1 came up in conversation. I said I had to txt him to make sure he was ok, she flipped her lid, called me a fuckin arsehole. I said you better leave so she told me to fuck off and left. I txt her to express my bewilderment and got the finger emoji in return. She told me to stop texting her so I did. She called me, I was too upset to pick up, she called 5 times in 10 mins. I then get a text saying if I choose to stop talking to her that was my choice and nothing to do with her.
What do I do now? Do I contact her, say sorry for god knows what? Leave her a few days. WTF do I do.

She didnt want me to do this as then he would know she had told me
Vs
There was no confidence betrayed. She told me in general conversation.

Do you see no discrepancy here, op?

She didn't want you to say about it, because he'd know she'd told you. She made it clear.

Category12 and others hit the nail on the head.

She thinks you betrayed her confidence (well, that's what we infer from what you've told us, at least).

You might not think that's true or reasonable but she does.

She's not articulating herself clearly, calmly and rationally. I'm not convinced that you have been leading by good examples, it sounds like you trigger each other. I understand that it's hard when you've got your young adult daughter swearing at you, against all the background that would be way too long to post on MN. But for the sake of your relationship with her and helping her to develop emotional resilience and self-regulation, I hope you manage to conquer those things and lead by example in yourself, first.

She made it clear only after telling the OP. She should have kept quiet if OP getting worried about her mentally ill son was going to be such a problem.

You've never told somebody something only to realise as or after you've told them that it had an unintended consequence? I have, many times, and I'd expect to be able to have a conversation with any reasonable person, especially my mum, along the lines of "oh hey, I didn't realise this would result in you contacting X, I don't want them to think I'm telling tales, can we stop and think about how to handle this?". And I'd expect my mum to consider how I felt and try to work with me to come up with an agreeable way forward.

All of which is a more emotionally intelligent way of handling something than "fuck off" and "Get out of my house".

I see why your dd was angry. Asking about this incident isn't a text conversation really is it? If your dd didn't want her brother to know that she told you, you could have talked to your son and see if he brought up the party and terrible accident.

I have to confess, OP, when I read your post, I did wonder if it was one of mine...

I also have a daughter of 23, who behaves like the family's Diva 24/7, who hasn't spoken to her stepfather since she was 10 (he and I split when she was 12, and she was partially to blame for that as far as he's concerned), and I have a son whose entire life has been punctuated by whether or not his sister's in a good mood. Three years ago, though, my daughter was diagnosed with NPD, bipolar2 and borderline ADHD, and she is now on anti-psychotics for the forseeable future. Our home life hasn't improved greatly - particularly as she still lives at home, and her boyfriend ran away to the other end of the country - but at least we know why she is, as she is, as she is.

However.

I won't tolerate her speaking to me the way you say that your daughter speaks to you. At all. Irrespective of why she felt the need to behave like that towards you, she needs to understand that she no longer lives with you. She lives with her "gormless" boyfriend (who is, actually, probably quite nice - she obviously thinks so!), and is an adult. Your house? Your rules.

Stop buying her cars. Stop paying her insurance. Encourage her to realise that she's been an adult since the age of 18 and that equals standing on her own two feet every now and then. My daughter still lives at home, has recognised MH issues, yet works and has not only paid for her own driving lessons, paid rent every month, but also bought her own car and is paying off a (black box) insurance debt. She also runs her little brother to and from school when I can't.

It can be done.

Yes; I get that you were worried about your son - but surely if he'd been there, he would have said something to you, and not to his sister?! It's the boy who "blew his brains out" and his family whom I feel sorry for, OP, actually - not necessarily you and your spoiled offspring. Stop mollycoddling her and let her flourish as the adult she wants, desperately, to be.

And just be grateful she doesn't have a child. Because when I was her age? My daughter was almost 3 years old...