Secretly filmed: Update

[papercoversrock]

Hi.

I posted ages ago elsewhere about an incident with my husband. (He had secretly filmed us in bed.) It was the wake up call I needed in order to seek counselling.

So this is an update, which felt more appropriate to post here.

It would be nice if that thread was the "Before" and this thread was the "After." But if anything, this is the "During."

I'm still with my husband, at least for the time being.

I haven't committed to staying with him past counselling and I truly don't know what I'll end up doing. At the moment, he's being pretty decent, doing his bit. He's also got a new job which takes him away a lot, and that suits me quite nicely. Not that I can't wait to see the back of him; I just seem to be finding life simpler when he's not around. I know it isn't an ideal setup, but I think I really am in the safest and easiest place I can be right now while I focus on counselling. If I found 50K down the back of the settee things might be different.

DH says he's changed. He says the recent better behaviour is actually the real him and he feels happier now he's back to his true self. He says a lot of things, but right now I don't trust him, I'm not that interested in what he's got to say, and part of me is just waiting for the mask to slip. Besides, the "new him" is just a bit gentler and more equitable. He's not bending over backwards or anything.

And when he does odd things that piss me off, I'm never quite sure whether it's proof he can't change, or proof he's just a human!

There's not much time for heart-to-hearts anyway, so we're just rubbing along really. And one thing I can say for us is that we're doing that very well. The day-to-day is genuinely pleasant. It might well be a bit ostrich-like, but there's something to be said for a nice atmosphere - especially when DS is around.

Counselling is really helping me. But it's hardgoing and gutwrenching, too.

Through counselling I'm beginning to acknowledge that I really didn't have the best of childhoods. I grew up to have limited self-awareness, low self-regard, few boundaries and a talent for tolerating other people's bullshit to a really unhealthy extent - without necessarily being aware that's what I'm doing.

It's hard to unpick all that. To face up to it all and feel the pain and humiliation of it. It's pretty gruelling. Things are starting to change for me, but it's slow progress.

Being "Fun Mum" while my guts ache is really hard sometimes, and I'm not sure I always pull it off.

Oh, I could go on and on. (Wait, I already have!)

In a nutshell, a) I'm not sure about the wisdom of staying put, but I don't feel ready to make major tumultuous life decisions, and anyway I don't have a vast array of choices. And b) I'm not always sure how to "grieve my lost childhood" while putting on a happy face for my little boy.

But in spite of the difficulties, I'm massively grateful to those people who suggested counselling. I was going down a road that would without doubt have left me bitter and empty, which could have deprived my son of the kind of mum he deserves.
Whatever comes or goes with DH is all window dressing really when compared with the changes that are happening on the inside. I'm very gradually discovering a bolder, more emotionally honest and vibrant side to myself.

xxxx

Hi OP.... I was following your previous thread, and I think you are very brave. You are facing up to a lot of really scary things so that you can evolve for your child. It’s so hard to be the grownup while trying to counsel the hurt parts of yourself at the same time, isn’t it? (Am going through the same process, btw - different reasons, but similar results - trust issues with DH, shitty childhood, 3 older kids, recent move that I’m not thrilled about, etc... ) Anyhow, it’s hard, regardless. Trying to decide whether someone you love is worthy of something as sacred as your trust. And the whole time they are constantly telling you that they are, your inner monologue is screaming “It’s your fault it’s broken, and now you have to just shut up and prove it!!!”, and they’re trying to make you feel guilty for not just trusting them because they say you should!
Gaaaaah! And they will blackmail you with the threat of you pushing THEM away.... sigh!

Hey OP. I'm sorry to hear of what has happened to you. That was an awful affront to your privacy and personal dignity. I speak from the position of a sex educator myself.

OK, you seem as if you're head is screwed on so I would invite you to see the situation as it really is.

Your H recorded you without permission
He has a new job which takes him away from home
You have come from an abusive background - boundaries
You are tied through your son

All are HUGE red flags. Huge.

I understand completely why you want to stay but counselling will not work. Not yet at lest. You are still enmeshed in the FOG.

It's the working away that pings out. This is often covert for 'excuse to cheat'. It really is. You are bound by your son. You want to offer him the home that you did not have. It won't work.

A man who videos you is not a decent man if you did not agree. Has to be your choice but my advice is a LTB.

Very much like @justilou1 comments.

*I am not giving advice either way.
I am still in the process of trying to work on my relationship. Our trust issues were not about sex or relationship with someone else betrayals. They were about relationship roles, and the assumption that I would continue to happily follow him around the world for his work until the cows come home, and keep starting again and again and again. This time when I arrived in the new city, I found that he had “managed” my life before I got here, with no discussion about what I wanted at all. I went nuclear. As I said - totally different scenario. Same result though. (*Should he be offered another job elsewhere, I would be greatly surprised if he tried that one again! 😆) We are seeing a counsellor together and individual ones as well. I realised that I had been doing ALL of the family grunt-work and was angry about it, so I have to started studying full-time. Our house looks like a tip because I am refusing to do it all by myself, so I am waiting for him to offer to help - AND actually be available to do so. (ie. not dressed in baseball gear, with his car keys in his hand, like this morning - which elicited an appropriately sweary response.)

Thanks for your kind words, justilou. You hit so many nails on the head. I hope you're ok? The hardest part is that I've finally realised the vital importance of honouring my feelings, at precisely the time I need to block them out and attune with my DS. How do you juggle it? Have you found your own strategies?

renarde That was a hard post to read, but I really appreciate and see what you're saying, thank you. Ideally I'd like to take some time out, rent a little flat or something for me and DS and give it as long as I need. But that's not realistic under the circumstances. I'm welcome at my parents' but right now, I cannot entertain that option.

I've got myself in a bit of a pickle. I've got no money behind me. Decent-ish earning potential, but would have to work long days and barely see my son.

I don't see a better option than this.

I know the "working away" rings alarm bells, but DH is a sailor. It's the way it's always been. And I may be utterly deluding myself, but of all the crappy things he's capable of - I may well eat my words, but affairs aren't even close to top of my worry list.

You are right though, he has proved himself not to be the decent man I thought he was. It's still hard to get my head around that.

justilou You sound so strong. Have you always stood up for yourself like that? I'm making tentative steps in that direction, but I'm frightened of conflict. Frightened of the aftermath of conflict.

Does your husband show appreciation for what you've done, and foregone, for him?

OP, I know it must have been and you have my hugs.

I'm sure it must all seem very vast and very overwhelming right now. Take it one step at a time but the filming is really not good because it also raises the question, how many times has it done it and got away with it? It's always ever the tip of the iceberg, it really is.

What is the one thing you want to do right now that would make you feel better?

The 'hard to get your head around' comment is a very very telling one and one that I utterly understand because I've been there. That will take time to process but we are all here.

again.

You're amazing, OP. So strong. Never forget that xx

Honestly, OP, it’s a bit of a hard one. I painted myself into a corner by pretending things were better than they were for years, with my relationship with DH, for my kids, for my own sake, to keep my insane family at arm’s distance (They could smell vulnerability like sharks can smell blood in the water). Takes two to set things up, really. I’m not a complete sap, though. I was in a bad space last year, after the deaths of both of my parents who were horribly abusive and coming to terms with a historical rape, etc.... He was unemployed, then was offered a good job in his home town. Felt entitled to set himself up and recreate his perfect life in a shitty house which is 400m from two of his best friends who are great, but we barely see them because they have little kids and we have teens and he has built his life around his sport and left me to do kid wrangling, etc. Boy did I burst that bubble.

Its so hard. You can only do what you can do.

There’s no point trying to live your life to someone else’s timetable, especially when it comes to emotional journeys and healing.

Just be sure you are pushing yourself forwards a bit at a time, and not hiding or keeping yourself in deep freeze... that’s all

Sounds great that you are doing the counselling, really good. If your partner is away a lot then this might give you the space and relative stablility to focus on yourself and getting you own self a little stronger before a parting of the ways.

How old is your son?

I've gone back and reread your posts on the original thread, I could remember some but not all.

It's great you are doing therapy and great that you don't feel so unhappy that you need to rush into splitting.

I have to ask did you make H do the 2 proper weeks of "wifework" or did you buckle and help out/ not treat him as he did you?

"What is the one thing you would like to do right now that would make you feel better?"

Ha ha, binge drinking. Binge drinking would make me feel better. :)

But you know, failing that maybe if I could ditch my responsibilities for a few days and just write everything down and cry whenever I feel like it. I think I'd find that cathartic.

Otherwise, listening to upbeat music or watching comedy - I know it's just distraction, but it makes me feel better every time.

And actually, this site is very helpful. I'm limited as to the number of RL people I can be candid with about all this. So it feels good to open up anonymously from time to time.

wellthisisshit Thank you for that. It's hard to explain but I don't feel ready to commit one way or the other, and that's just the way it is. And you're right about the head space when he's away. It's really helpful. My son turns 3 in a couple of months.

dieu Thank you, I really appreciate that. I don't feel that strong right now if I'm honest, so that's nice to hear.

justilou That sounds so hard, and infuriating, and hurtful. Good for you for standing your ground. How are things now?

randommess Well, long story (sorry) but... he got offered extra work during those two weeks off. He did check with me before he took it, but I agreed to it as the money was good. Then the next two weeks off - the same. So he only did wifework for a maximum of 4 days running, a couple of times. He had the cheek on the first day to point out to me that he'd kept on top of the kitchen surfaces - because that's something he complains about when I don't clear them. So I said "Good for you. I'll send you a cleaning schedule to help you fit in all the other jobs as well." Sent an internet list of suggested daily, weekly, fortnightly and monthly jobs and said "Just let me know what you manage to get done." It was all good-natured and he did apologise for coming across like a smug git about the surfaces. But I don't think he once looked at the list of jobs. Never touched a mop. Not a single bit of laundry. Just superficial tidying, meals and pots. When I asked him about it, he said that as it was his first time, he'd decided to "cut himself some slack." But he said that on his next two weeks he'd get stuck in. Then he got a promotion and he doesn't get the same time off now, so he never gave it a proper go. So I suppose you could say I buckled. I didn't give him a hard time.

I did bring the subject up at a later date, after being in counselling for a while and feeling braver. Pointed out, among other things, that during his little stint he only did a fraction of what I do, and made life easy for himself by excluding the dog and distracting DS with tv. I do both those things sometimes, but if I did it to the extent he did, we'd have a very unhappy dog and a square-eyed toddler. DH remains adamant that if I take on board his advice (which is basically doing things as I go along,) it will make life easier for me and housework won't be such a huge task. So I told him that he might very well be right, but unless and until he's walked a mile in my shoes and led by example without cutting corners, there is absolutely no point in him talking to me about how I ought to prioritise my time. Also that if he really wants to help, I'd appreciate it if he cut me some of the same slack he cut himself, did his own laundry, cooked and froze some dinners for reheating in the week, and took a few of the big occasional jobs off my hands, like descaling the toilet or cleaning the oven.

He's wound his neck in since then.

I suppose at least he was wound his neck in a bit he really doesn't sound particularly nice or a true "partner" though...

randommess No, you might well be right. He's got his nice points and my default mode is "pushover" so I do have to bear my share responsibility for the state of things. My parents weren't a partnership by any stretch of the imagination, so I don't really know what's right or wrong to expect of him or myself.

Couples counselling might help, but I'm not ready to have a stranger tell me it's six of one and half a dozen of the other and DH is suffering too. I feel increasingly vindicated and empowered right now and I just want to hang onto that for a while.

I would get him to take a least a weeks leave and leave him to it stating that you expect the fridge to be full and washing up to date when you return plus DS to have done daily activities... obviously leave without the fridge being full, washing hamper empty etc.

It's more his attitude towards it though isn't it "if you did this.." when he's never done it? Not convinced you ever truly got an apology and acknowledgement that he dehumanised you that your opinion or feelings didn't matter and he continually tried to shut them down etc?

I remember you too papers. Can I ask when you say he’s wound his neck in a bit, does he still come home and criticise your housekeeping? If so, I would ask your counsellor for strategies to go zero tolerance on this. Zero tolerance. Me, in the position you’re in, I’d pick his dinner up, toss it in the bin, stomp on it, and shout you couldn’t keep the house clean for four fucking days so who are you to tell me how to do this? Then nicely say oh well you will have to work something out for dinner. But that doesn’t sound like your vibe
Also, I remember the remote comment. Can you use the remote whenever you want to now? I reiterate that these are very minimum standards in most peoples relationships, if these have all shifted would be a good indication of whether you have a chance or not.

You know, I spoke to my counsellor about that exact thing. I thought the response would be negative or at least quizzical. But actually it was more "Revenge scenarios can be very therapeutic. Do you think you could remain hands-off? Do you think he would agree to it?" So I brought it up with DH and he said it was a large chunk of time out of his holiday allowance that he felt could be better spent on proper quality time with DS or getting work done on the house and garden. I thought he had a point so I just dropped it. See? Pushover! Maybe I'll raise it again...

Yes it's exactly that. His shouting out orders from the sidelines rather than rolling his sleeves up. He works hard in his job, and he's always cooked and done a certain amount of tidying - but it's been on his own terms and to his own schedule.

No I got a lot of apologies, but never got an apology that made me feel like he "got it," you're right. It's weird, I just always assumed he was empathetic. He does practical things for people when they're struggling and cries for others when they're in great pain or grieving. But I've only recently realised there's very little sophistication or insight involved.
Shortly after "that" sex tape, I was bemoaning his lack of empathy toward me, and he asked me with no hint of irony what I meant by "empathy." I tried to explain. He said "So when I saw (name of girl who had been through something horrendous) and I gave her a hug and said (nice things) was that empathy?" I said "Well maybe, but where did it come from? I mean, how would you feel in her shoes?" And he said "Well, really bad." He couldn't elaborate. I suggested some conflicting feelings and thought processes that I might experience in her predicament, and he just burst into tears and said "How are you doing this?"
He was crying because he was frightened I would leave him because he genuinely doesn't know how to empathise in that way.
And I found myself in the bizarre position of consoling him.
He confessed quite recently that he'd once cried at a sad tv programme, but at the time didn't realise why he was crying and concluded he must be depressed!
And yet in his day job dealing with people, he demonstrates huge diplomacy and emotional intelligence. It's just crazy.

Him, him, him. It's all about him.

Read back your words. I don't know your back story but I assume you are the one sinned against. So why are you so fixated on what he says, what he does, what he will do.

You are enabling his abuse of you. Has anyone told you this ?

I remember your last thread. I'm glad you have sought help. Stay strong for you & your child

timeisnotaline No, I'm not getting any flak over my housekeeping, even when it's super-messy. But nor does he ever roll his sleeves up and say "Right, what can I do?"

As for the remote, it's a bit more equitable now, but he still hogs the tv quite a lot. The deal is that if he desperately wants to watch tv uninterrupted, he goes upstairs. Otherwise he plays with DS and puts tv on in the background while I take a bit of time for myself.

Anyfucker Oh blimey, shit, and I thought I was doing so well!

I'm sure you've got a point, but in my defense, I was answering questions about "him." Not "What are you doing with yourself? How do you feel about things?" But "Is he doing this? Is he behaving like that?"

I was answering those (in my view helpful and legitimate) questions. So I feel a bit annoyed that you would interpret that as a fixation.

Can you help me out by expressing yourself in a less accusatory way and explaining specifically what observations lead you to believe I am "fixated" and what you think I should do differently?

Thanks.

I feel incredibly sad for you right now op, I think you know deep down this relationship is over but it's hard to admit it to yourself let alone everyone else.

Continue with your counselling, as i think it is opening your eyes a bit. Making you realise his actions are not that of a loving, caring husband.

I truly hope one day you wake up and realise that it's over and you leave, it wont be easy but is so worth it. your son.

Posted too soon meant to say for you and your son at the end there

devastated
Thank you. Maybe you're right, I really don't know. Thank you for expressing that so kindly.
It's weird, this is my life and only I can know what the right decision is for me, and I must own my choices.
And yet at the same time I acknowledge that someone with a healthier background and a bit of wisdom would make a better fist of it.
I'm open to your advice. I'd like to understand what you see that maybe I'm not ready to.