Secretly filmed: Update

[papercoversrock]

Hi.

I posted ages ago elsewhere about an incident with my husband. (He had secretly filmed us in bed.) It was the wake up call I needed in order to seek counselling.

So this is an update, which felt more appropriate to post here.

It would be nice if that thread was the "Before" and this thread was the "After." But if anything, this is the "During."

I'm still with my husband, at least for the time being.

I haven't committed to staying with him past counselling and I truly don't know what I'll end up doing. At the moment, he's being pretty decent, doing his bit. He's also got a new job which takes him away a lot, and that suits me quite nicely. Not that I can't wait to see the back of him; I just seem to be finding life simpler when he's not around. I know it isn't an ideal setup, but I think I really am in the safest and easiest place I can be right now while I focus on counselling. If I found 50K down the back of the settee things might be different.

DH says he's changed. He says the recent better behaviour is actually the real him and he feels happier now he's back to his true self. He says a lot of things, but right now I don't trust him, I'm not that interested in what he's got to say, and part of me is just waiting for the mask to slip. Besides, the "new him" is just a bit gentler and more equitable. He's not bending over backwards or anything.

And when he does odd things that piss me off, I'm never quite sure whether it's proof he can't change, or proof he's just a human!

There's not much time for heart-to-hearts anyway, so we're just rubbing along really. And one thing I can say for us is that we're doing that very well. The day-to-day is genuinely pleasant. It might well be a bit ostrich-like, but there's something to be said for a nice atmosphere - especially when DS is around.

Counselling is really helping me. But it's hardgoing and gutwrenching, too.

Through counselling I'm beginning to acknowledge that I really didn't have the best of childhoods. I grew up to have limited self-awareness, low self-regard, few boundaries and a talent for tolerating other people's bullshit to a really unhealthy extent - without necessarily being aware that's what I'm doing.

It's hard to unpick all that. To face up to it all and feel the pain and humiliation of it. It's pretty gruelling. Things are starting to change for me, but it's slow progress.

Being "Fun Mum" while my guts ache is really hard sometimes, and I'm not sure I always pull it off.

Oh, I could go on and on. (Wait, I already have!)

In a nutshell, a) I'm not sure about the wisdom of staying put, but I don't feel ready to make major tumultuous life decisions, and anyway I don't have a vast array of choices. And b) I'm not always sure how to "grieve my lost childhood" while putting on a happy face for my little boy.

But in spite of the difficulties, I'm massively grateful to those people who suggested counselling. I was going down a road that would without doubt have left me bitter and empty, which could have deprived my son of the kind of mum he deserves.
Whatever comes or goes with DH is all window dressing really when compared with the changes that are happening on the inside. I'm very gradually discovering a bolder, more emotionally honest and vibrant side to myself.

xxxx

I don’t know if it has to be over. Lots of positive steps have clearly been made. If the op keeps reexamining the status quo and her position with the help of counselling and mumsnet, and her dh keeps improving, it could work.
Op does your ds get regular haircuts? Dentist? Swimming? I ask because these are things I leave to my dh. I explain they are his to think of, book and take ds. (Swimming is on weekends and I can take him sometimes if I am asked in advance and free then). I have nothing to do with them. It just helps with a gradual shift of the load.

Why are people focussing on whether this guy does some of the household/childcare tasks ?

No amount of doing the hoovering would make up for the enormous elephant in the room.

I remember your thread, he still doesn't sound like he has respect for you . Why woulds 50k down the back of the settee make your decision. If you feel like that then just go.

anyfucker I know that you are speaking out of care and passion, and that you feel outraged about what he did to me. I massively appreciate that.

In the original thread, I explained the circumstances. I had already consented to some cheeky photos. It was a special occasion. I'm not making excuses for him. I feel defiled and humiliated and full of rage.

But even good people sometimes do bad things.

Is he a good person who got carried away and made a terrible mistake? Or is he just a bad person? And, even if he's been a piece of shit in the past, is he now capable of change? Should I leave immediately, or should I give him another chance? That, I believe, is what these "him" questions are seeking to clarify - and helping me to clarify.

That's not to negate what you have said. Some people see black and white where others see shades of grey. To me, nearly everything is grey, and sometimes I need a black-and-white person to come along and give my head a wobble! :)

But I do see value in the hoovering questions.

Sorry for being defensive in my last post.

notapizzaeater 50k wouldn't make my final decision for me. It would give me a few options and buy me the independence, childcare, time and space I need to really get my head together before making any decision at all.

But when you say it still doesn't sound like he has any respect for me, I suppose I can see yoir point there.

All i can say us I remember your post ignore those who have missed how far you have come and how far you know you can go
Hold onto these words super tight

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

Thanks so much incywincy xxx

Ok. Bedtime. Thank you all, so much. Especially ella2103. Such wisdom. :) Night xxx

I think you sound like you have really come very very far already and your new self awareness is very much in action here in your posts and you ability to stand up more for yourself is also here.
I think you are trying your best to be true to yourself and to not give up on your marriage and your family too quickly. I admire you for that, and I think that as the career your H has had actually given you some space to work on yourself and have time apart that’s really positive.
I thank you for your update and actually believe you are handling it all with grace and integrity. Keep on with the counselling. Perhaps start journaling to help you process your thoughts and link themes as you reflect back later... I believe you will make the right choice for you and your family and you will know what that choice is at the right time. The time just might not be now.

I remember your last thread OP, I think you know what you need to do but are looking for any signs of remorse from him to stop you doing so. What he did was despicable, and you are still bowing down in your own methodical manner because you think he has a point?

I hope over time you find your inner strength to take the plunge, scary as it is, your own self worth and self esteem needs to recover. Good luck

Hi OP, me again. I’m not black & white either. Change takes time, and everyone processes things differently. You and your DH are the only two people in your relationship, and you are both experiencing it differently from each other. Each of us commenting has their own bias, too.

What I do know about life is this.... you can’t change anyone else. You can change how you behave and react around them. This may bring about a change in their behaviour, but it may not.

If you value this person, it is probably worth challenging the patterns of behaviour you wish to be changed - BUT - YOU have to be consistent so that you don’t end up slipping back into the old patterns and ending up back where you were.

The elephant 🐘 in the room is that the dh seemed to have zero respect for the op as a person. She was a useful object in the home. A fundamental behaviour change does show respect- it shows respecting her time, it shows respecting her job by appreciating its too hard to get it all done sometimes and by taking some of the load (which he’s not quite doing) . Maybe it is a cover up for still thinking he owns her but maybe it’s for real? My dh is shit at apologies, drives me crazy. He does behaviour change to show he apologises and respects me. (Yes of course I demand an apology sometimes, don’t derail this please about my relationship, I was just trying to give an example)

If I found 50K down the back of the settee things might be different.

You are worth more than a random £50k.

Hi papercoversrock - it is so good to (belatedly!) see your update.

If I may shove in another 2 pence worth ... I think you are being a bit hard on yourself. There is no need to take a premature black & white decision, & what you are doing right now is great in that it is buying you time.

The conselling journey is tough, & to have time to address both this & finding the strength to play Happy Mummy is really all you need to be asking of yourself right now.

You are not going to change overnight - hell, you don't even really need to change: the change that is required is with you being able to define & maintain boundaries. While you are doing that work, at least you are in a physically & financially safe environment which quite frankly is the VERY least you are owed for your DH's disgusting treatment of you.

Shoving oar right in now - I think you are so right to not want couples counselling. Focus on you & your child. If it takes months or years for you to gain some strength & insight from counselling - so what? If you then want to stay or leave - so what? That will be your choice, & yours alone, when you feel ready to make it.

Right now, why shuld you be making huge life-changing decisions?
Be as comfortable as you can in the somewhat blemished home environment that DH has created, take all the time you need, enjoy time with your child & remember that you don't owe anyone apologies or explanations.

Wishing you courage & humour. You WILL get through this.
All the very best xx

OP, he is just a bad person.

I remember your post.
He doesn't see you as a person in your own right. He sees you as a chess piece to be moved about on his board until he's no longer interested in playing, then he'll be done with you. And when these people are done, they're done.

Sorry, this is harsh, but you need to be realistic. This guy isn't like you, me and most of the posters on mumsnet. Dont project your own empathy and morals onto him, he doesn't have them.

He is just a bad person.

Ha ha, don't couch it, Pics. Tell it to me straight :)

Just checking in.

I think I'm coming round to the idea that I'm done with DH and would be better off on my own. It came to a head this week - and of course, I'm left wondering if I'm being unreasonable.

I want us to start putting weekly time aside that we can spend together as a couple, and try to rebuild our relationship.

I brought this up with DH, and he suggested leaving DS with his grandparents for a few days so I can accompany DH down south when he goes to work away soon. DH also suggested we go together to a beer festival in May (craft beer is his thing, not so much mine - although I like it well enough.) He wants his dad to join us initially at the beer thing - and then when his dad goes home we can stay on. And he also suggested something about going to London in June to see his friends there, and we could mix that with a bit of time together.

The thing is, after all that's happened, being invited to tag along with DH for things he plans to do anyway just feels insulting. In some ways it might be fun to just go with it, and his suggestions might be well meant.

But I don't want to be without my son for days, just so I can fit around my husband's plans.
I don't want to talk about the big stuff while we're hundreds of miles from home or full of beer, either. And I don't want DH to set the terms as to when and how we spend time together.

I just want him to agree to what I'm asking, which is straightforward: once a week time carved out for time together and a babysitter, basically.

He said we'd struggle for babysitting, which is nonsense. Then he said work was too much of an obstacle.

I was so bloody together, reassuring, gently assertive, mature and positive about it all. Found a solution for every problem. Didn't get dragged into digging up the past.
End result: He was miffed I even brought it up.

I'm reaching a point where I don't think there's anything more I can do.

It's incredibly sad. And as much as I appreciate those posters who have said "just walk away," I would love to know where it is I'm supposed to walk away to. My parents? My imaginary house in the Loire Valley? A tent?

The best place for me to get my shit together is here, I'm afraid. And this is DS's home. I don't want to uproot him without a clue where we'll go or what we'll do.

And like DSAcre says, I'm financially steady and physically safe here. And I'd add, in spite of all the shit going on, we both love our son and provide a good, kind, structured and fun environment for him.

It's hard enough doing counselling and being Fun Mum. If I left, I'd be juggling childcare with work, finding a place to live, moving out, starting divorce proceedings. What would be left of me for my son in the middle of all that?

It might reach a point where I relinquish all hope of a future with my husband, and staying here is no longer tenable. But for now, unless anyone reading wants to offer me a job, home, lawyer and on-tap babysitting, I'm kind of stuck with the devil I know.

He's dense and incredibly selfish. It's really really sad that he doesn't want to spend one evening per week couple time together!

I think he is utterly in denial at how awful his behaviour was and he's not redeeming himself

For now staying sure has its advantage but as DS gets older he is learning that the relationship you have us "normal" and the one to model in his future. I would get your ducks in a row so if you decide the end has come you have more control/power in separating in your time frame.

OP, your H is just " me, me, me, me, me". Whilst pretending he isn't.

Watch his actions rather than his twisted pretend offers. He is insulting you, because he is offering you nothing whilst pretending that he is. He does what he wants, and you are expected to fit around him. Really, he thinks that his needs matter, that he matters, and you don't. Not much, anyway. He is just humouring you with his pretend offer.

(And possibly the bursting in to tears previously was a cynical ploy).

I would love to know where it is I'm supposed to walk away to. My parents? My imaginary house in the Loire Valley? A tent?

THERE IT IS!

That’s the anger, the spirit. That’s you, the real you, surfacing for air. Find that. Hold ont it. That’s what is going to save you.

This post should come with a trigger warning for me. Not sure how much I want to share on the thread but I went theough this in my family.
Call it projection/transference, but I can't picture anyone able to this and being of sound mind. People capable of this can be highly manipulative, prey on people they perceive to have power over and can cause immense damage to their victims self-esteem.
Please talk to a professional about this and please gather the strength to leave him. Your head will clear and life will be better

He seems to expect you to always dance to his tune

Christian Girl, you may want to think about a name change.