Toxic situation

[Lost94]

I'm going through a difficult time at the moment and didn't know where else to go. I apologise in advance if this ends up being all over the place/long.

I had a difficult childhood due to my mum being an alcoholic. I probably have enough awful/traumatic things from my childhood to fill a book, and it's really hard for me sum it all up in a paragraph. She was essentially very destructive and completely tore our family apart. From about 5 years old, I would frequently witness her being verbally and physically abusive to my dad, to the point where the neighbours would call the police. She would argue with literally everyone - our neighbours, my friend's families, etc. She was often verbally abusive to me and very emotionally manipulative. For example, once when I was 6 years old, she attempted to commit suicide and told me it was my fault. Also, when I was a teenager, I moved to live with my dad as my mum wasn't looking after me. She accused me of abandoning her and started countless arguments with me over it. I've recently found out that I was actually taken away by social services and that I had no say in the matter. She was also physically abusive on occasions. She would often do stupid things which had long lasting consequences. I don't want go into details on here but there were occasions between the ages of 5-7 where I felt my life was in danger. On top of all the traumatic stuff that happened, I suffered a lot of neglect as well. She was often too drunk to look after me and spent all of our money on alcohol and fixing her mistakes. She barely used to cook for me, I used to have a lot of sleepless nights, I went to school unkempt, etc. etc.

If anyone ever questioned me my home situation, such as at school, then my mum would get very angry at me. She would become verbally abusive towards me and emotionally manipulate me. She would constantly blame me for everything and make me feel guilty. As a result I have never spoken to anyone about this. I've always felt scared of the repercussions and have just closed off, pretending everything was fine. I studied really hard at school, moved out to go to university when i was 18 and finally felt free. I worked hard at university and now at 24 I have a really good career.

My problem is that I have recently moved back to live with my mum and I suddenly feel really hopeless in life. I didn't want to move back, but I felt a lot of pressure from my mum, and others, to move home. I thought a few months to get on my feet wouldn't be so bad but she has started to become emotionally manipulative again. She shouts at me if I mention moving out and I know for a fact that if I move out, she will struggle financially and blame me for whatever happens afterwards. She rarely drinks anymore but I feel the damage is already done. I feel awful for saying this but I find spending time with her frustrating. I find living with her again really intense and hate her getting involved in my life. The worst part is that she doesn't seem to acknowledge the awful things she did in my childhood and accuses me of making them up.

I honestly just want to move out and get my own life back. My boyfriend, however, has been unsupportive of this. He often tells me I'd be wasting my money renting and that I should stay at home to save up to buy a house. He doesn't know about my childhood because I really struggle to talk about it and deep down I'm still scared of the repercussions if I do. We've also had some difficulties in the past with him not being there for me when I need him, and as a result I've been reluctant to share this stuff with him. My boyfriend can also be quite distant at times and struggles with serious conversations so I've never really felt comfortable talking about it.

I'm sorry this has been long and probably all over the place. You can probably see that my mind is all over the place at the minute and I don't know how to get out of this toxic situation. I don't feel like I have anybody to turn to about these things and hoped maybe writing about it on here might help me . If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it.

Ditch the BF and move out. You need people who are there for you and not emotionally manipulative.

Leave ASAP...Protect your peace.

Also please reconsider the relationship with your boyfriend the words chocolate teapot spring to mind.

You need stability and peace of mind.... Neither of these people can offer you that

I agree - dump the boyfriend, move away from your abusive mother and preferably go far, far away and have a fresh start. You poor thing - your childhood sounds horrific. Don't relive it now.

Stanski has it. I’m not sure why you’re with someone who doesn’t support you 100% when you seem very reasonable. Why did you move back in with your mum? Can you afford to move back out? Because I think you should, ASAP. What made you move back in with her?

Move out.

Tell your bf full details of your mum and if he doesn't believe you/get it/ thinks you should still live with her - get the fk rid of him. He doesn't actually sound all that great in general anyway.

Sounds like you should have an absolutely minimum relationship with your mum ( in fact many on here would say go no contact); she really doesn't deserve a relationship with you, reading what you wrote alone made me do angry and sad on your behalf. Congratulations on doing so well in getting a degree and a good job, that's wonderful given your circumstances.

You have done so well for yourself - going to uni and getting a good job - despite your terrible childhood so you must have incredible inner strength.
Please please try to dig into that now to get away from your mum and bf. you deserve so much better than both.
You owe your mum nothing but if you stay her grip on you will get tighter and you could end up in a really destructive co-dependency thing.
Could you access some counselling to help you to leave?
Best of luck. You sound so lovely.

and as a result I've been reluctant to share this stuff with him.

Just saw this when rereading your op. Maybe it's not worth telling him how your mum had been (and still is, alcoholic or not) .. he just doesn't sound too great. Can you build up a social life and some friends for support, I find people rely on a partner too much for company and support, and if the person isn't good or the relationship breaks down, it doesn't work.

You can save while renting somewhere not too expensive, you don't have to live at home,bits impossible with your mother, your bf doesn't understand that or doesn't care.

(Also has he been expecting you to save while equally saving diligently himself, and if not, why not (!))

I can sympathise op, I also had an abusive childhood and very, very few people irl know about this.
I agree with PP, if your boyfriend isn’t supportive or is distant when you need emotional connections, ditch him. Don’t tell him about the abuse in order to explain yourself, you don’t need a reason and he should support you just because that’s what boyfriends should do.
If you’ve said it’s untenable, that’s enough.
Leave your mum’s house. It’s not working and it’s affecting you. No amount of savings are worth your health and peace of mind.
You’ve come so far, what an achievement!!! This is against all the odds btw. You’re wavering but you know deep down you need out of this x

You sound so resilient. I don't mean that in a flippant way I totally admire you for surviving such an awful childhood and still managing to get through uni and into a career. Really for all that self investment you deserve so much better. You couldn't help your childhood but you damn well have control over your adult life. Don't let other people rob you of joy that is waiting for you. Move out as I'm sure you know deep down that distance from your mum is the only healthy option. Your BF brings what to your life? I'm struggling to see anything positive. Prioritise yourself you make good decisions when you do.

Your bf doesn't know your past so he is probably just thinking about the money in this scenario. However if he is unsupportive in general then you really should ditch him. You are young, have a good career and have the chance at a wonderful life - you need to stand up for yourself, move out and meet new people and experience new things. You don't have to tell your mother you are moving. Just look for accommodation suited to you, pack your bags and walk out the door without a backwards glance. Put a stop to the guilt she heaps on you. She's abusive, manipulative and has been a shit mother so you won't be missing out by leaving. You should try counselling to help build your self esteem and give you the confidence you need to stay away. Once you free yourself from her and anyone who tries to talk you into staying (don't engage in conversations about it) then you are free to start your life. Work, save up, travel, do whatever you want. You have absolutely no ties whatsoever so the world is your oyster. Put yourself first as of now. Feel free to leave a note for your mother to say you're gone, but I wouldn't be giving her a forwarding address.

You dont need either of these people in your life... why are these two people who are supposed to be closest to you in the world, treating you like this?
Ditch them both you dont need them nor do you have any responsibility for them. Surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you.

You need to get out of that house. Also any good man wouldn't encourage you to stay in that situation if he knew the full story.tell him the full story and if you can't then find a good man that you can tell everything to or a good friend to tell everything to or a councillor. It sounds like you don't think much of yourself. So let me just say. You are worthy. You have value. You have worked hard. You have succeeded, not just in spite of what was done to you but because of who you are. You are not responsible for your mother. you deserve better.

Thank-you all so much for your replies, it honestly means so much to have this kind of support. I feel like moving out for good by myself is a big step, and that the two people who naturally should be supportive about this have been very unsupportive which is what's making it difficult. I guess I've just got to be brave and go for it.

I also have quite a few good friends in real life who have always supported me and will continue to do so. I just really struggle talking about the full extent of my childhood with my friends. Sometimes I find it useful just being around other people though, so maybe moving to a place where I can do that more freely would help .

I also have quite a few good friends in real life who have always supported me and will continue to do so.

That's great to hear.

House/flat shares could be a good way of minimising rent money while having company (sometimes I find you don't even have to be in the same room, just the noise of people close by/around you can counter loneliness). They can be a good way of making more friends and socialising as well (if they are sociable).

the two people who naturally should be supportive about this have been very unsupportive which is what's making it difficult

Your mum doesn't sound capable if supporting anyone other than herself,byiur bf doesn't know what your mum's like, and seems to be fixated on you saving money (is this because you were thinking about buying somewhere, was he going to be saving his fair share?).

(and by supporting herself,bi mean being a selfish, manipulative, victim blaming four letter word which I won't use our if respect for you).

• out

Leave them both,lean on your friends and be happy.

You've done so well, with everything against you.
Moving back in with your mum the odds of a happy relationship were always very low because people don't change. She was certainly a lousy mum to you.
It doesn't matter if your boyfriend agrees or disagrees, believe in yourself and your own decision making.

I would go to the GP and ask for a referral to a counsellor based on your upbringing. It is well-known that those who grow up in dysfunctional families tend to repeat the same patterns because they seem “safe” or familiar when they enter into these relationships as young adults. Your bf is telling you what to do with your life while choosing not to hear how unhappy and how unsafe you are - because it suits him not to put any more thought or effort into helping you get the hell out of there. Not caring or loving enough. Counselling would help you learn how to recognize and deflect the early signs of these kinds of patterns and to expect more for yourself - and to attract those offering it.

I moved out of my abusive home at 18 and never went back :)

Renting is expensive- but better that than ruining my MH.

Ditch the BF, move out and get some therapy; your childhood might be the reason you are choosing unsupportive partners (is the reason I'm going through a separation... So many red flags in hindsight, thanks to therapy).

You have so much to look forward to.

Please look after yourself and move oit, it really is not your bf's place to comment particularly as he does not know the full story. If he's unsupportive in general you need to move on - you've come through so much, succeeded in spite of your awful adverse experiences, and shown amaxonv resilience to do so. You should feel incredibly proud op, and you deserve someone to fully be on your side and supporting you.

Haven't read the previous comments but yes, ditch the BF. He knows your background because he knows you.

You must get away from your M. She will erode your own self-esteem even further.

Move out. You don’t owe your mother anything. Tell BF the full story. If he isn’t supportive then then ditch him. And please get counselling. This is an awful lot for you to deal with.

Move out, dump the bf and work really hard on setting boundaries. Good luck for the future