Toxic situation

[Lost94]

I'm going through a difficult time at the moment and didn't know where else to go. I apologise in advance if this ends up being all over the place/long.

I had a difficult childhood due to my mum being an alcoholic. I probably have enough awful/traumatic things from my childhood to fill a book, and it's really hard for me sum it all up in a paragraph. She was essentially very destructive and completely tore our family apart. From about 5 years old, I would frequently witness her being verbally and physically abusive to my dad, to the point where the neighbours would call the police. She would argue with literally everyone - our neighbours, my friend's families, etc. She was often verbally abusive to me and very emotionally manipulative. For example, once when I was 6 years old, she attempted to commit suicide and told me it was my fault. Also, when I was a teenager, I moved to live with my dad as my mum wasn't looking after me. She accused me of abandoning her and started countless arguments with me over it. I've recently found out that I was actually taken away by social services and that I had no say in the matter. She was also physically abusive on occasions. She would often do stupid things which had long lasting consequences. I don't want go into details on here but there were occasions between the ages of 5-7 where I felt my life was in danger. On top of all the traumatic stuff that happened, I suffered a lot of neglect as well. She was often too drunk to look after me and spent all of our money on alcohol and fixing her mistakes. She barely used to cook for me, I used to have a lot of sleepless nights, I went to school unkempt, etc. etc.

If anyone ever questioned me my home situation, such as at school, then my mum would get very angry at me. She would become verbally abusive towards me and emotionally manipulate me. She would constantly blame me for everything and make me feel guilty. As a result I have never spoken to anyone about this. I've always felt scared of the repercussions and have just closed off, pretending everything was fine. I studied really hard at school, moved out to go to university when i was 18 and finally felt free. I worked hard at university and now at 24 I have a really good career.

My problem is that I have recently moved back to live with my mum and I suddenly feel really hopeless in life. I didn't want to move back, but I felt a lot of pressure from my mum, and others, to move home. I thought a few months to get on my feet wouldn't be so bad but she has started to become emotionally manipulative again. She shouts at me if I mention moving out and I know for a fact that if I move out, she will struggle financially and blame me for whatever happens afterwards. She rarely drinks anymore but I feel the damage is already done. I feel awful for saying this but I find spending time with her frustrating. I find living with her again really intense and hate her getting involved in my life. The worst part is that she doesn't seem to acknowledge the awful things she did in my childhood and accuses me of making them up.

I honestly just want to move out and get my own life back. My boyfriend, however, has been unsupportive of this. He often tells me I'd be wasting my money renting and that I should stay at home to save up to buy a house. He doesn't know about my childhood because I really struggle to talk about it and deep down I'm still scared of the repercussions if I do. We've also had some difficulties in the past with him not being there for me when I need him, and as a result I've been reluctant to share this stuff with him. My boyfriend can also be quite distant at times and struggles with serious conversations so I've never really felt comfortable talking about it.

I'm sorry this has been long and probably all over the place. You can probably see that my mind is all over the place at the minute and I don't know how to get out of this toxic situation. I don't feel like I have anybody to turn to about these things and hoped maybe writing about it on here might help me . If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it.

Op congratulations!

You are going to move out, go low contact and ditch the bf: what wonderful positive steps as we move into Spring!

Your future is SO bright. You are really inspirational.

You have lovely friends in your life so please remember the drains/ radiator analogy.

Some people suck energy from you and leave you feeling sad/ guilty/ upset: these are drains. They are toxic to your physical and mental health.

Others radiate warmth and good feeling: embrace these people ( unless they turn into drains!). These people are radiators.

Your gut/ instinct will let you know who is what and so do not under any circumstances over-ride this as you will have no peace of mind or happiness if you so.

Talking to your lovely friends, posting on here and going to counseling will all help you identify red flags.

I am so pleased you posted. What you have endured is horrendous.

Be kind to yourself and nurture the little child that is still within you.

Do everything you missed as a child: plan lots of treats, trips, build happy memories.

Don't look back and keep any guilt you feel for going low contact in a box.

Fucking hell!
Good on you for getting so far.
Dump the boyfriend
Dump the mother
Get counselling.
I would also ditch the flying monkeys who say you should be looking after your mother.
You survived so don’t let her suck you back in.

OP, you're doing so well for yourself. You've got a degree, a good job, and you're beginning to see your childhood clearly and to recognise that you weren't at fault.

However, you've allowed yourself to be sucked back in by your mother; and it sounds to me as though your boyfriend is also dysfunctional. And neither of those two relationships are going to be positive or healthy or helpful to you.

Do as others have suggested. Go to your GP and ask for counselling for your horrible childhood. Plan to move out of your mother's house. I wouldn't tell your boyfriend or your mother what you're planning because they will try to scupper your plans. Just get yourself together, move your things out, get yourself settled and then tell them.

I would get rid of your boyfriend sooner rather than later. I recognise it's difficult but if he's not being supportive, he's a negative in your life, not a positive.

You can do this, you really can. Good luck.

Oh, OP, you sound like a really caring person. Please take care of yourself for a change and leave this toxic situation.

Your mother doesn't get to have a say in where you will live, neither does your boyfriend. Don't listen to either of them, and do what's healthiest for you. Screw them both. You deserve a caring, supportive boyfriend, you should realize that.

Wishing you all the best.

You owe her nothing. You need to look after number one. She has failed as a Mother.
Go be freeeee x x

Ditch both your toxic mother and so called boyfriend. You owe the two of them nothing at all.

You undoubtedly learnt a lot of damaging crap about relationships when you were growing up and he is and will simply help you recreate that all over again. Its not your fault that your mother and this boyfriend are the ways they are and you did not make them that way.

Love your own self for a change.

BACP are good for counselling; I suggest you contact them asap as counselling via the GP could well take an age for you to be seen. Also such sessions are limited in number and scope.

You may also want to read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

Please move out.

Ditch the boy friend. He is not helping.

Get counselling.

You are the victim of abuse. You need to move our. If your mum cannot cope, not your problem. You can go lo e or np contact.

you must be your own priority always.

Please look after you.

You have had a very abusive and neglectful childhood emotionally as well as physically.

This emotional neglect and abuse has left you with a great emotional would within. You have done great to drag yourself out if the pit in relation to your external world (uni/career/friends) - but you have an emotional deficit that needs significant healing through therapy.

This emotional deficit has allowed you to choose this BF - he is not emotionally available or supportive - you wouldn’t know this because this was your normal experience with you mother. He needs to go. Therapy will reset your needs, boundaries, standards and expectations.

Also listening to relatives and complying with their needs for you to go home - when you knew in your gut is another emotional deficit. You have been trained to meet others (unreasonable) needs and have been told not to value and suppress your own feelings.

You are very lucky at this point to be questioning what is going on before you commit to a life of servile drudgery to your DM, a cold unequal relation with this “BF” and before you are in too deep.

You have had the most hideous childhood - you need professional support and lots of good people around you who recognise this and are 100% behind your emotional healing. Bin the rest - they are just apologists for child abuse and neglect.

Look at Al-anon, ACOA etc, move out, get some quality therapy and look forward to a fabulous life to make up for the childhood you didn’t have.

*wound within

@Lost94

Your story really resonates with me as the way you describe your mother - you could be describing mine! I had a very tumultuous relationship with my mother due to her drinking. She too made lots of stupid decisions with long lasting effects, was awful to my Dad as well as me and my siblings.

You absolutely need to move out. You feel hopeless in that situation because you feel like you're a child again who is not in control. You've built so much up for yourself, keep it going and keep that new confidence. Don't feel guilty - trust me I know it's hard, but you've got to focus on yourself.

As for the boyfriend, he needs to understand that this was a part of your life and has had an effect on who you are today. I've had boyfriends who weren't particularly understanding and 'didn't get it' and thought alcoholics drank every day (my mum only binged Friday - Monday, therefore she wasn't one in their eyes!) Needless to say they aren't around anymore...

Why did you move back in with your mother? Are you trying to recreate a 'normal' relationship? I'm an adult child of an alcoholic and it effects you for life. Google adult children of alcoholics.

I've had years of counselling because of it. I feel for you but you really need to take control of your own future. You are not responsible for your mother.

My life plan would be to move far far away from your DM (abroad even) as although she is not drinking as much now - her health will he f**ked and she is a ticking time bomb. You will end up being her carer as her health declines. I suspect that is why your relatives want you back on call as they can see this coming and don’t want the responsibility.

Also her MH is shot - her brain will be irreversiblely polluted and you will be her whipping boy.

Feel ZERO responsibility for her in fact feel very ENTITLED to distance yourself so that you can build your emotional life.

The damage alcoholics do to their children really surfaced when the adult child is deep in a relationship (often a bad one) with children of their own. You can avoid this mess if you ditch the BF and DM and seek long term therapy.

OP "... the two people who naturally should be supportive about this have been very unsupportive which is what's making it difficult. I guess I've just got to be brave and go for it."

The thing is now you are fully recognising that your mother let you down very badly, you may be able to see why you have put up with an unsupportive boyfriend for so long. You have not felt able to tell him your true situation. That speaks volumes on the quality of the relationship.

Choose a bedsit/flat share/ whatever based on your criteria.

Maybe, is this where you want to live, is it safe, is it near friends, is it away from your mum, is it accessible for work, can you afford it????

Get used to putting yourself FIRST.

This post is very interesting to me because I have found myself in a similar situation. Recently I’ve had to move in with a relative because I left my housemate (she had mental health issues that made living with her very difficult). Significant health issues combined with a precarious employment situation means I’ve taken a massive pay cut and can only work part-time.

My family suggested strongly that I move in, I accepted (and was very appreciative).

Fast forward to present day, the employment situation hasn’t improved and I’m still sick... however, living with family was not the peaceful sojourn I anticipated.

I find that my time is not my own. I find that when I leave the house or make plans to leave the house this is met with anger and hostility. I’ll be woken up early in the morning - sometimes for no reason; other times (such as this morning) with a request to put their dishes away.

I can’t do laundry or use the kitchen when it suits and find I’m walking on eggshells. Sometimes I anticipate screaming and it doesn’t occur - I’m still walking on constant edge.

I’ve found moving in has brought up trauma from my own childhood that I thought was buried and had contributed to my health issues. The yelling, the screaming, being told I’m a burden. The biggest one is the guilt and being told I’m lazy.

I contribute (I pay money each week). I clean up, I sweep and wash the floors, I cook on occasion for everyone, I babysit. I have jobs such as washing the child’s lunch box each day and doing my relatives ironing. I’ll (on occasion) pick up shopping and not expect and money in payment for items.

Everything I do isn’t good enough. If I sweep the floor I’m asked why I didn’t do it earlier. If I babysit and the child cries I’m screamed at for not doing more to stop the crying.

My relative goes through my room and comments on the stuff she finds. I’m yelled at and told I’m not doing enough. I am requested to babysit and even take time off work to do so.

I am making plans to leave. I’m just putting together funds to do so and think when I finally do I’ll have a massive break from them.

Very recently I was told that they hope I stay longer. I find it emotionally exhausting - being the sounding block for their drama; the intrusion into my own life.

This is not worth your mental health and no house deposit is worth the trauma that your mother is re-introducing to your life.

I encourage you to make an exit strategy. This is what I’m doing. It is really hurting me mentally and physically.

The only upside is I’m going to re-train so that I can put some money away and hopefully never be in this situation again.

I'm with everyone else.
Plan and save like mad. Don't tell her. Pay for help when moving day comes.

Then, find someone to talk to about yr childhood.
And think about how yr mother has not been good at all, will never admit that, and you grieve for it so that you accept it and it stops hurting you.

OP you have described my upbringing to a dot. My mother has managed to wreck the lives of 5 people because of her drinking. You owe her nothing.

I’m very resentful towards my family who either turned their back on me(although now I fully understand a reason for it) or the ones who tried to “help” and covered up for my mother enabling her to cause further havoc until she died. They should have kept their beaks out, let her fail and let me be adopted/fostered.

It took my a very long time to build my life with all the wrong choices I made that were a result of my upbringing.

The best bit of advice I got was do whatever’s best for YOU,not anybody else and look after yourself first,then the others.

Good luck OP, wishing you strength

Congratulations for working so hard at school and achieving a university degree despite your very difficult childhood. You should be very proud of yourself.

You know what you have to do. You have felt hopeless since moving back to your mum's place so you need to move out asap for your own sanity.

It doesn't matter what your bf says about rent. There is no point saving money whilst at your mum's if it is destroying your soul.

If you feel able to, I suggest you talk to your bf or a good friend and open up fully about your childhood. If your bf isn't supportive then get rid of him.

Please don't stay with your mum. You don't have to go NC but you do need to move out.

How are doing OP?