Struggling with SIL..

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I find it difficult but try to make an effort with my brother's wife. He's always been there and kind, we had a difficult start in life with parent's divorcing and problems etc. I find SIL difficult and a little like my mum (do men choose partners like their mothers, I wonder?) She's quite controlling and neurotic. Which I could deal with. But the thing I am finding difficult recently is this tendency to pick up on things and criticise, about me. For example she will pick a topic (work, friendships, for example) ask me about it. "So, what about friendships?" she will ask me, and seem to expect me to explain my situation, then give advice (un asked for) and compare with her own situation (always better). I come away feeling small and belittled, and then angry with myself for feeling like this.

An example, with friends, when asked the above I said I am fine with my friends, have an old friend from years back and another living nearby. She started saying about the former being so far away, and the other one not having children, must be hard...it's all negative and leaves me with these thoughts and worries I never had before. followed up with how she has a close bunch of girlfriends and needs her mates and wouldn't be without them etc. I prefer to see friends individually and would not be keen on a group thing like that but wouldn't mention that as well, I don;t think she'd understand.

I constantly feel I need to justify myself and my decisions. I can't really not see her as would mean not seeing my brother and their children. But it's so wearing.

Sorry, don't mean DH finds the children hard work! But the relatives.

The cousins thing is silly. Just because they're cousins it doesn't follow that they're going to be 'friends', especially when they're young. What 15 year old would choose a 9 year old to 'hang around' with? I never 'hung around' with my older cousins. Once we were all grown it was a different story, of course.

As far as SiL, remember that just because someone asks you a question, that doesn't mean you have to answer it. No matter who the 'asker' is! Honestly, everything she asked me I'd reply "I dunno, what do you think?" or "I dunno, what do you do?". Let her think I'm 'dull' or 'dense'. Who cares? And if she does venture a differing opinion I'd shrug and reply "Well, to each his own said the old woman as she kissed the cow".

It's all about her, the cousins thing. She never had cousins so wants hers to have them...

She also sounds v toxic and shit stirry around your DM. Hate the fact that the DN is tasked as a flying monkey - that would be enough for me. If your kids aren’t bothered about the cousin thing - then just cut it all down and only do things on your v restricted terms.......and call her on every single little thing.

Yes, I didn't like that either. She's only 9. Also had weird letter from my dad (even though divorced from mum) to my DCs all about how cousins had visited their Granny and how wonderful she is (bit odd considering they are divorced and she's not been wonderful to me). Kind of guilt tripping them into visiting her? Anyway I screen letters so managed to intervene before they read it. I really don't like children being involved in this way.

They sound a right shower - be confident that you know what is appropriate and keep your kids away from these loons.

The sad thing is niece seems to like us and gets upset when has to leave, asking when will see us again. That makes things harder.

Yes, I know they are (a shower)

I kind of thought since SIL was not part of the parents / separate - would be normal but doesn't seem to be that way.

I reckon DN is being manipulated by your DM - I can imagine she bleats in her ear about how you don’t see her and seeks info when she gets back. Another reason not to bother - will save your DN the inquisition and responsibility of being the messenger.

Yes I've been wary and careful with parents since DCs were born and ignored them basically. Mum never liked me breastfeeding and was really funny about it - but just ignored that and did my own thing, limiting contact especially as they try to see DCs alone and have them visit etc...it has made things easier being like that from the start really.

Your boundaries are too permeable. People say this and I know the recipient of this advise thinks it has to do with some essential confidence - that they just don't have. However this is not true, and it's much easier to set them than you think - it's more a shift of perspective. I did this is in a work situation which really helped.

First: Imagine the boundaries are physical and real, like a glass wall (sort of). You are behind it with lots of space between you and the wall. You (the essential you) are safe, happy and strong in there. She is outside. You can hear her, but anything she says cannot get through the glass to bother you. You will find that if you can really feel and imagine this barrier, you will also know how to be still and strong in her company. You will naturally stop 'revealing' - because revealing too much to someone you don't trust is letting the glass barrier down. When still and safe behind the barrier you will also be able react efficiently (not from panic or confusion).

I remember when I started to put this into practice with a bitchy work colleague - It was almost as if I could see her hitting the wall, looking a bit stunned and confused - very satisfying. Try it - don't tell anyone - just have a go.

Wow love that technique rosabug - it’s grey rock 2.0 !

I like that! In fact i do something like this already, call it the bubble. So you are in this bubble safely...I do find it harder with the relatives though. I think I have memories myself of being a child and having weird stuff with parents, but an aunt being kind and someone to turn to. Maybe I am thinking of myself like that aunt, I never discuss family stuff with the children (well not in that guilting type of way) and just have fun... I do know they have let DNiece stay with my mum for the weekend..so that might be the case. When my DCs were young my mum tried phoning them and asking them to do the same (around this time went NC with mum).

I am managing to have string boundaries with my parents but need to take care with the others as well. I guess, I trusted my brother and assumed SIL was the same. Rather has turned out to be more of a flying monkey situation sadly.

Oh, another things which is tricky with SIL. After the visit last time I hugged the children goodbye, and then she posted this meme on social media about hugging not being appropriate...something about how would never ask children to hug...so now I'm not sure if it appropriate to hug them Not sure quite how to take that either. We're quite a cuddly family. Oh dear.

This is what was shared. Thoughts?

www.mother.ly/child/heres-why-i-will-never-force-my-kids-to-hug-anyone?xrs=RebelMouse_fb&ts=1528811109&fbclid=IwAR1O2m_JbLTICx2xDkft4AMsM4qxMRa4FTuTwgcQHHFemB0MCeX3wzTN7Ag

It's the bit about where it keeps saying about "Aunt Sally' - obviously seems to me, that means, well, an Aunt. So, it's about me isn't it. Hmm.

Op what do you get out of this relationship?
Nothing but criticism.
Stop letting her dictate and step back.
If she asks why tell her why !

I'm doubting myself though. My family are wonky, maybe I am too and she is right about the hugs thing? They obviously all feel I'm wrong to be NC with mum as well.

But did the DN actually pull away and did your SIL step in to say you don’t need to give a hug? No? So it was not real and this FB post is just another missile to attack and undermine you.

She is just bullying, goading and undermining you now online. Unfollow or hide her posts.

She sounds more and more toxic with every post. I would be slamming down the shutters. Take yourself out of punching distance.

You are NOT imagining or over reacting. Your gut is telling you what is going on. In fact you are under reacting.

I'm trying to remember. No, she didn;t pull away, I remember I did say something to my DCs that they were going and to say goodbye, and there was some comment I made about did they want to hug goodbye and SIL stepped in to say they didn't need to do that. So yes it does seem to be aimed at me. (mine were a bit embarrassed about hugging anyway and I didn't really expect them to.) So there were no child hugs to worry over and yes, another thing I have done wrong.

I asked on AIBU about the high article and they all seem to think I was wrong about the hugging and SIL was right.

I think I was wrong with hugging children, grew up with little affection so we hit quite a lot in family (DCs) and they hug me spontaneously also. I like it. But it seems this is wrong also.

I guess next time need to take care with no hugging, as well.

Stop trying to make an effort. Hug whomever you like. Let her make the effort to do things your way.

You are all far too involved in each other's lives. You don't gain anything from the interaction as far as your posts tell me.

Leave your DH to arrange visits with his own sister, preferably going on his own and managing the hosting if they visit you.

Hide her from your Facebook and limit your profile to her.

Learn how to be present but say nothing. Smile. Nod and walk away. Don't share your life with her and she will run out of negativity. More likely, she will move on to someone else.

Just care less about what she thinks. She doesn't matter to your life.

Thank you. Yes it all seems about her making herself feel better by being 'better'. I just need to ignore what she thinks. It isn't the 'truth' just some stories she tells herself.