Because it's easier to do it all my fucking self

[SecretH]

Posted several times on MN about the load at home. Many posters said I am too controlling, I don't let DH do anything... it's all my fault. Yada yada.

Well, after around 18 months of "lightening" my load and expecting DH to do more, tge verdict is simple. It makes my load a whole lot lighter to do it all my fucking self.

So DH has been responsible for putting away the washed/dried clothes now and I've just opened the wardrobes to find piles of clothes hidden at the bottom that he can't be arsed to hang up. The wardrobes used to be lovely and tidy now they're like jumble sales.

"Get him to clear it all out then!" I hear you yell. Yes. When? Because this is going yo take hours to sort which means me entertaining the kids alone again whilst he spends 2 hours tidying shit up that should be tidy in the first place.

Infact,it's easier to do the lot myself. Fed up of blocked up sinks of food since he's been doing the washing up, creased up clothes since he's been piling clothes up for days, even a week that need putting away. The lack of toiletries from the food shop because he only thinks to buy food and fuck all else.

"Send him to the shops again!" I HEAR YOU SAY. Great. Yes. So I'll have to entertain the kids alone again whilst hw recitifes yet another mistake. Infact he could waste away an entire weekend rectifying mistakes.

So before you blame controlling women for making rods for their own backs and "creating" lazy husbands... bloody think.

This is studied incompetence.
He does this because he is an entitled man child - it is deliberate so that you won’t ask him again.

It is also very passive aggressive as he is resentful that you call on him to be an adult so he wants wants to kick back and make you angry. However he doesn’t do confrontation so creates conflict in an underhand way to make you look like a raging loon by provoking and frustrating you.

Don’t be this person - don’t get angry - just drop the rope. Tell him he has killed the love.

let him take the kids out while you do it properly.

6demandingchildren that just exacerbates the issue and enables him to be the man child. He then gets all the fun times with the kids and builds that relationship whilst OP gets the drudge stuff - resentment builds. That’s just Disney Dad living at home. Doesn’t show the kids how to be a team.

Bloodyhell Gummy. Shit covered wipes?! 😲 Everything you said about the kitchen though! He's fantastic at loading and emptying the dishwasher. In his eyes hes doing "everything" kitchen related. Our cleaning fairy unblocks the sinks, wipes doen and arranges cupboards and cleans the food ridden, skummy sink once he's finished.

It's so much easier when you leave them. Ironically, my ex is now doing all this stuff perfectly well in his new house. I expect once a new woman comes along, his hopelessness will reappear

YANBU

My DH once went abroad for three weeks for work, leaving me with 8 and 6 year old DCs. Easiest three weeks of my life.

My EXH was not domesticated at all, I replaced him with a man who had lived alone and therefore knew how to take care of himself.

Tell him to do it properly whilst you go out and leave him with the kids. Also, he can take the kids whilst he does the shopping he's forgotten. Make him pay for his laziness

But all of those crying 'LTB'...where do these trained & equal partners congregate and where would we go about finding one? Because IME the ones single / wanting to date / looking for relationships have far worse qualities than failing to be able to handle domestic chores!

I've come to the conclusion that there is no way my own DS's will leave home with the attitude that their Father has, but ultimately, I love him and one day there will be a time where the domestic load isn't all down to me - but as things stand now, I've done everything I possibly can to assist / train / delegate / point out / sulk about / ignore and it's obvious to me that I'm the only one who cares enough to a) do it in the first place b) do it well c) do it on a regular basis.

One day I'll afford a cleaner.

He tries.
He cannot hang up, or fold anything.
He cannot see the floor needs sweeping. He cannot see the crumbs on the kitchen sideboard or the food stuck in the plughole. He's even begrudgingly got prescription glasses after 3 years of nagging and he STILL cannot see it.
He cannot keep his shoes tidily.
He cannot see the hair he leaves behind in the bathroom sink.
It's been like this for 16 years.

Well YOU chose to live and have kids with him despite knowing what a useless shit he was.
YOU still choose to stay with him.

Get rid of him.
Job done.

Op, I feel your pain.

After 18 years of asking nicely, asking angrily, putting up chore rotas etc, I got rid of mine. Problem solved, just wish I'd done it sooner.
As pp mentioned, it really does kill the love you had for them. My house is now clean, tidy and no half arsed manchild to deal with. Result!!
Ironically as pp mentioned, my ex now functions perfectly well on his own which proves they are not as fucking clueless as they make out, they CHOOSE to be lazy morons.
I guarantee you will be better off on your own with the kids

@EggysMom

Yes. My dad told me when I was about 12, "If anyone asks you to make coffee or tea, do a really shit job on purpose, then they'll never ask you again."

Cheers dad you skiving tosser 🤨

Because IME the ones single / wanting to date / looking for relationships have far worse qualities than failing to be able to handle domestic chores!

Yup!

Question

Is there actually anything wrong with being single?

I remember my dad saying to me when I started work, ‘if anyone asks you to make a cuppa, do a really bad job and they won’t ask again’ I’m sure the teach this shit to boys at school without us knowing

It comes down to how much of a dealbreaker this is for you. It doesn't sound like it is a dealbreaker from what you've said.

Can you enforce any consequences for him not stepping up?

Is there a problem with entertaining your own children, while he hangs up the clothes?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. You’re still with him so you’re getting something out of this otherwise why be together ?

Better to be alone than to be so badly accompanied. He is taking you for a fool here.

Dh is a bit like this. Except with the kitchen. That is his domain. He cooks cleans it and it proud of its sparkle. He also food shops and meal plans.

He can’t seem to do laundry or tidying up though. He constantly loses things. And never buys things for himself. Ie toiletries. I do an order with boots once a month. I always ask whether he needs anything (I bulk buy ds’ nappies etc). He usually says no. Then a week later has run out of showergel/shampoo/toothpaste etc. Infuriating because then he uses mine. He started using a fancy shower gel of mine a while back. I was annoyed because it was a gift. But at the same time is had a shimmer to it. So he went off to work three days straight all shiny and sparkly.

I do laundry. I don’t put dhs stuff away. That’s the only thing re laundry he’s asked me not to do. Thing is he never puts it away either. Or puts dirty stuff in the laundry hamper. It sits next to it. On the floor. Or on top of it.

In the last I have been petty and let laundry mountain build up and ignore it. The longest I’ve lasted is a month. My thinking was dh would work out that things weren’t being washed and would either do a load himself or put stuff in hamper. He bought new clothes.

What's wrong with these men?

Nobody trained us to do these fucking things properly. We just do them. Why should we sit and patiently train these fuckers?

DH lived alone prior to moving in with me. He just didn't clean. He said he didn't enjoy life any less through not cleaning so what's the point of it.

For this reason, I don't clean either. I pay someone else to do it out of his hard earned cash. He isn't leaving it all to me.

But then if I say I need an afternoon to do housework every now and then, he stares blankly. He clearly expects everything to be done in the 1.5 hours every week that the cleaner is here 🤣

I will leave when I am in a position to.

@SecretH Yes. I am still cross.

He does indeed think that he 'does' the kitchen and if he thinks jumbled cupboards with things falling out are ok then I have to accept his standards or he won't do it. The moving things off of the surfaces mainly involves moving them onto the dining table of the kitchen diner. As that isn't part of the kitchen that is my job, so he adds to my job by just moving stuff to my area and saying he's done the kitchen. I put away things when I clear areas, I don't just go 'Oh, that's kitchen, I'll dump it on the surface for DH to put away'.

I have said to him that he needs to watch both DC so I can do the cleaning at the weekends as DC2 is still a baby and not yet mobile so can't entertain himself while I do it. So far he said he would and then he has not, we'll see about tomorrow.

"But all of those crying 'LTB'...where do these trained & equal partners congregate and where would we go about finding one? Because IME the ones single / wanting to date / looking for relationships have far worse qualities than failing to be able to handle domestic chores!"

Why do you HAVE to have a man? Being single is infinitely better than being with a lazy arse I promise you.

I genuinely don't understand why women tolerate shite treatment.

If as a whole we stopped I reckon that men - as a whole - would change bloody quickly!

I won't even have men like this as fwb! (And yes it's obvious).

I agree Graphista and I am bewildered why many women tolerate much worse than I do.

My DH is a hands-on Dad, but I know so many who are not, whose wives run around like little martyrs. I have a friend who wpuld never dream of getting her DH to tend to the children during the night and stops eating her own meal several times each evening to tend to both her kids and her husband. I have another friend who runs around each morning getting 3 kids dressed and ready for school whilst her DH takes a long shower and breakfasts alone. Another who never ever cooks and hasn't done in 10 years, a friend whose husband misses the bedtime routine 5 nights out of 7 each week.

Seriously. WTF?

Mine is shit domestically, he's an absolute joke. But some of these men are shit domestically on top of pleasing themselves in loads of other ways. It winds me up when I'm told "what a good one" I have just for being a present, hands-on bloody father to his kids 🤔

For as long as they are perceived on the same level as incapable children, they will continue being half-hearted third children.

The time for him to fix his messes is in the evening once the kids are in bed. Or if they are a bit older, in the evening while you and they are watching tv.