Finished with partner - heartbroken 😔

[Marypoppinssidekick]

Been with my partner (seems weird saying boyfriend at my age, late 30’s) for almost a year, we met each other’s kids after after being together for 7 months, everything going okay with the kids, they get along with each other.

Last night, partner and I split up, and I’m really heartbroken.

I’m divorced, ex and I get on ok. Partners wife died approx 5 years ago. His girls are aged 11 and 6.

At first when we met, the girls were really friendly, really lovely girls, but things have changed with his oldest. At first he kept telling me she will be okay, that he will talk to her and she is just acting the way she is because we were getting serious, and he did talk to her. She kept saying she felt I was taking her mums place. Of course he told her I wasn’t, and I even spoke to her and told I would never dream of taking her mums place, and she would always be a massive part of her and her sisters lives, and also her dads.

Her behaviour towards me is getting worse, and i feel so sorry for her and my partner as he was at his wits end. She was acting up at home, and school, and she would turn on me for no reason, telling me I was nothing compared to her mum, her dad would never love me like he did with her mum etc.

Last night, he came over to mine, and was really stressed due to an incident that happened at school. So, I told him we needed to finish as his daughter needed him, she was obviously going through stuff and he needed to be there for her. He told me he didn’t want to finish, but I’ve said his girl needs him more than me. I’ve told him we can still keep in touch and if his daughter opens up to him then maybe he could talk to her.

I was devestated when he left, but I know the children come first and I know I’ve made the right decision BUT I’m heartbroken.

This morning, he has just text me to say “your decision to put my daughter before you has just made me love you even more”. I don’t even know what to reply back to that.

When I divorced my ex, I honestly never thought I would find anyone again, then I did and now I’ve had to finish it. I think what makes it so hard is because we had such a lovely relationship, and we both really loved each other.

I think you’ve done a really good thing. I’d give it a few months and see how things pan out with his daughter. I expect she will miss you. I’m really sorry this happened but it sounds like it’s not over between you both. I wonder if his daughter’s maternal family could get involved with this in any way to help the child see she would not be betraying her mum by accepting you. If they are around and open to getting involved.

My initial thought was that you have done a good thing. But now im thinking that the behaviour could have been a way of testing you? She will feel very confused and disloyal to her mum if she begins to love you. She may also be worried that you will leave her (i know her mum didn't leave but she did in a way) so is pishing you away.

These things are worth considering if you wanted to make a go of things as a family.

Maybe step back massively and give them some space and see how the dd reacts.

Did the daughter ever have counselling? It might help her to be able to talk openly without fearing judgement.

I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds do unfair. Maybe his daughter was afraid she was losing her dad to you and acted out because of this.

Get your friends around and be kind to yourself. I hope you start to feel better soon.

I think this sounds like a break more than a break up. I think it's good to give him some time and space to work on things with his daughter. Keep in touch and hopefully you can rekindle things in the future.

I am so sorry you are in this position OP.

Your post is so emotional and it's such a difficult and emotive situation

You've made the right and incredibly selfless decision to give the family some breathing space.

In response to his message I'd probably reinforce that you still love him and his children and if his daughter wants to see you for any reason you are very happy to do so (assuming you are).

She might just need the pressure being taken off a bit from the happy families set up that she thinks should involve her mum not you, however lovely you are.

Please look after yourself today and keep reminding yourself you are very important in all this too.

Agree with Coral above that it might be a break more than a break up.

Doesn't stop it hurting though

You have absolutely done the right thing, no matter how it hurts.

As PPs have suggested, maybe with some help from CAMHS or Cruse, his DD may relax a bit, let go of her guilty/negative feelings, and maybe things can resume a bit further down the road. Perhaps at a slower pace though. (Not that I think you were too fast, but it was clearly too fast for her.)

Thanks everyone. I have spoken to him on the phone this morning, and he has told his Oldest we are taking a break as he and I feel she needs him. He said she burst out crying and ran to her room. He said he tried to console her but she just pushed him away. I’ve told him to give her a bit of space and hopefully she will speak to him later.

She hasn’t ever had counselling before, as all their family rallied around them when his wife passed. With regards to his wife’s family, well they were a bit miffed when they realised we were getting serious and although they still see their grand daughters they are a bit cold towards him. I did wonder if maybe they had said something, but as I’ve never met them I don’t actually know what they are like as I’m only hearing things from him.
It’s funny thought because they have been telling him he can’t be alone forever as he’s too young for that but then he says they are cold towards him now because of me?

I hope it turns out to be just a break and I will text him and ask if it’s okay to send his daughter a text saying if she needs to speak to me she can.

I don’t know what he will say to his youngest, she was having a sleepover at her friends last night she really had taken a shine to me.

My boys will be devestated too, and did have some lovely time together all of us.

The daughter's reaction is telling. She was not jumping for joy having dad all back to herself. It sounds like on some level she may know she has been unfair and does want him to be happy. But clearly she is still struggling with the loss (as you can imagine). Poor child.

I hope this works out for you. You sound like a caring, sensible and loving woman. Who knows what the future will hold, but I definitely think his daughter needs therapy. There may be many things she feels uncomfortable sharing with close family.

Just let everything unfold the way it will do. Don't push at anything. Just see what happens. Life has a curious way of deconstructing then rebuilding itself.

Yeah I know your right. I’ve said to him to just spend the day with her (his youngest daughter won’t be back until tonight). He keeps texting me but I’ve told him to focus on her, spend all his energy and time on her today and we can maybe catch up during the week when the kids are at school.

He has asked if I still want to finish it, so I’ve told him wait to see how things pan out with his daughter (as you have all said), and we can take it from there.

If the shoe was on the other foot and it was me going through this with my boys, I would expect him to be the same. It was the first thing I said to him when I realised we were getting serious, that the kids come first. It would be a complete deal breaker for me if he had other ideas as my children are the most important people in the world to me and always will be, just as his daughters will be to him.

Whilst I TOTALLY admire you putting his DD first, I don’t think breaking up is the answer, irrespective of her reaction (IF it’s not what YOU want).

First of all you need to have a really hard think about what YOU want & what you’re prepared to do. You have to decide if you’re IN or OUT, as best you can. IF you really love him and think you two really have a good future together, then you need to commit to it. IF you’re not too sure, walk away now. Ignore all the background noise of the kids, be honest with yourself, what do YOU want?

If it’s him/them talk to him, make sure he is as committed as you are to you & your boys.

If that feels ‘too much’, if it’s much more casual then you need to go back to dating without involving the children for a while, that’s a bit tough on the kids though who are now involved, but best they don’t get too much more attached until you two know what you want.

His DD must miss her Mummy so much & want her back so much. She’s 11, she needs space to rally against the unfairness of her Mum dying and her not coming back. She needs an outlet for her very confused emotions.

IF you’re going to stay together, then what she needs is her Dad and you to love her & be there for her while she works her way through this.

She’s probably absolutely devastated that you’ve now gone too.

IF you are as lovely as you sound, be there for her, love her, keep reminding her that you’re there for her, that you love her. Tell her it’s understandable that she’s angry that her mum died, that she’s confused about her feelings for you but it’s ok to love people who love you, it doesn’t take away from her love for her mum, not one bit, loving & accepting you doesn’t mean she’s forgotten her mum or wouldn’t want her back if she had the choice. You need to help her understand those things. Make sure she realises that YOU know this wouldn’t be happening if her Mum was still alive, that YOU know her Dad loved (& still does) her Mum. She needs you and her Dad to acknowledge that. It’s not enough to just say you’re not trying to replace her. She needs you to articulate what she can’t.

I also think she needs counselling because she needs a space where she can say what she really thinks without worrying about anyone else’s feelings or it being a power struggle.

As for his in-laws, knowing (& telling) your DSIL needs to rebuild his life and seeing him do it are two different things. Give them time, they’ll work through it. They need to meet you and your boys and see you as individuals rather than you just being a concept. It’s HARD for them to accept their DD isn’t coming back, that someone else is with their SIL, raising their DGD’s. Knowing it’s for the best for DSIL & DGD’s doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell that it’s not your DD & she isn’t coming back.

Just be sure you’re up for all of this before you carry on.

🌷

Putting the kids first, doesn’t mean you need to break up or even have a break. What I think needs to happen here is for YOU to decide if you’re in or out.

His DD is going through a tough time, but are YOU walking away or dealing with this TOGETHER?

I think your intentions are good (putting his DD’s needs first), but I think you’re going the wrong way about it.

He needs to know IF you love him & IF you are there for HIM.

Telling him to sort his DD out first puts a lot of pressure on him to ‘get this sorted’ so he doesn’t lose you, when actually what he really needs is for you to be in this with him helping her through this together. Certainly not worrying about losing you because his daughter is upset.

I know you mean well, but I really think you need to have a good think about how you’re dealing with it 🌷

IncrediblySadToo

I am totally committed to the relationship and his girls however, with some of the things she has said to me, to her dad and other people, she has made out she doesn’t want me around.
As I have said she was great to begin with, then she started to change, and be nasty. I haven’t mentioned everything she has said/done as it could be outing (and some of the things she has done are quite bad).

With regards to the in-laws (it’s his mother and father in law), they have been fine with him seeing other people although they have never met any of the other girls he was seeing, but he certainly didn’t get serious with any of the other girls he had been seeing (he had seen 3 other girls before me). When things started to get serious with me, he spoke to his in-laws explained it was getting serious and that he was going to tell his girls about me get them used to the idea of him seeing someone before he introduced us. It was then his in-laws weren’t happy and told him he wasn’t to expect them to want to meet me.

In my opinion children ALWAYS come first, it doesn’t matter what I want, if his girls or my boys aren’t happy then it changes things.

As I said, his wife has been dead 5 years and I’m the first woman he has introduced his daughters to. I get it will take some time for his daughter to accept that, though I did think she wouldn’t have accepted me straight away rather than, it seeming to be she accepted me at first and then change towards me.

i don’t think it’s really a question if I’m either in or out, especially when it comes to the children. He lives about an hour and a half’s drive from me, he works shifts, almost every weekend he has his girls, I have my boys during the week and every 2nd weekend they are at their dads and he will have them a couple of days during the week, picking them up from school and returning them home at night. So it’s quite difficult keeping the relationship going without the kids being involved.

We both said she would like to spend more time with the children being involved too and as I said in the beginning this was working. Now it’s not. We have both said we don’t want snatched moments with each other we want to develop the relationship further and this seemed to be working at first but for some reason, something within his daughter has changed.

She has previously said to me “you make my dad happy” to which I replied “I hope that makes you happy” she said it does, so i don’t know what’s changed. I’ve tried to talk to her (without pushing it), he has tried to talk to her, and his sisters have tried to talk to her. She just says she hates me and what’s me out their lives.

*we would like to spend more time together with the children being involved

I’m sure if I came on here saying I’ve told my partner the way she speaks to me is not on blah blah blah I would be told I’m being unreasonable, being horrible etc.

This is a very difficult situation but I am really not sure that breaking up is the best option. I can't really articulate why, but it seems like the DD is calling the shots here and it does seem a bit drastic to break up for this reason. Children may come first but that doesn't mean they make the decisions. She does need some one to one time with her dad though, if that is at all possible. And some bereavement support is a good suggestion.

An 11 year old is still very young, has she just started secondary school

She sounds awfully confused but she needs stable in her life and it sounds like that could be you and her dad being together , not mixing things up by taking a break

I feel for all of you, especially the 11yo girl who remembers her mum and misses her, but I worry a bit about the message she's getting ie she can influence her dad's relationship choices. I think her reaction reveals that she feels guilty which implies that she is actually a kind and empathetic child, so I wouldn't be surprised if she tells her dad that she wants him to reconnect with you. This will be great all round of course, but I think the fact that she had so much sway originally is not ok. That said, I've a feeling that you'll all be alright, you sound like a nice bunch!

I respect you for what you’ve done but if I’m totally honest I think you’ve done the worst thing you could’ve possibly done

The fact she ran to her room crying when he broke the news shows that she isn’t ecstatic you’ve broken up. I think the fact you’ve left is gunna make her feel worse. She will probably feel that yet again she’s lost a motherly figure. First her real mum and now the second nearest thing to it. Sorry, I think you’ve done the wrong thing here. The girl needs stability not people leaving.

11 is a tough age regardless of losing your mother. She’s obviously going through a tough time bless her however she still needs to learn how to treat people and what is and isn’t okay. Her father needs to help her cope and I’m absolutely shocked that she’s never had counselling? Why hasn’t he taken her before now? She needs support and to learn how to grieve. This should’ve happened a long time ago.

Well have heard back from my partner tonight. He has spoken to his daughter they have had a good chat, but she has said, she doesn’t want me to be part of their family, she doesn’t like me and never has. He said it didn’t seem that way for a while and it just seemed over time that she changed towards me and ask her if anything happened, had I said anything to make her dislike me so much, but she can’t answer him. He said he told her he was really happy with me, but explained he would always love her mum, no one was going to take her mums place etc. He said she has told him she can’t be around me and she is glad we have finished.

So I really don’t know what to do now, he said he doesn’t want us to finish but I don’t know what we can do here. We could keep seeing each other in secret, but I feel that’s not fair on him, me or his daughter.

I just can’t see a way round this. She has been texting my oldest son today and has been chatting away normally to him, he is 3 years older than her and as yet, I haven’t told my boys what’s happened.

I’m starting to get angry now and I know that’s not the way to be, but I can’t help it.

She is in control here and your ex is letting it happen. Not sure that staying involved would work tbh.

Kennycalmit I disagree with her thinking I’m a motherly figure, I’ve onky known her for about 5 months, and I don’t think she ever saw me as a motherly figure. I know she sees her aunt (my partners sister) as a motherly figure. I know my partners sister is really happy for us. I’m not sure if she has spoken to partners daughter or not.

I have asked my partner about his daughter getting counselling but he says before I came along, she was absolutely fine. She has always been encouraged to speak about her mum, infact One of the first times I met her, she asked me if I wanted to see her bedroom, I said yes and when she was showing me round, she showed me a teddy and said “my mum bought me this teddy” and then she showed me a picture of her and her mum and she was holding this teddy. I told her the teddy was beautiful, and was very special and said she told really good care of it as it was in lovely condition.

I’ve left that with him, I don’t have any say over whether she needs counselling or not. Maybe with me being in the scene it bad bought everything to the forefront of her mind, I don’t know, but that has to be something my partner looks at not me.

11 year olds are at a difficult age anyway. Secondary school, puberty, peer pressure and emotions all over the place. She has made you the target for all her problems when in fact it's nothing to do with you. You got on well to begin with and you sound lovely and your actions and consideration speaks volumes. He can't stop seeing you because of his daughter (Unless you weren't a nice person) and it was a stupid mistake to finish it! His wife died a long time ago, you took your time introducing the kids and now you're both pandering to her for no reason.