Finished with partner - heartbroken 😔

[Marypoppinssidekick]

Been with my partner (seems weird saying boyfriend at my age, late 30’s) for almost a year, we met each other’s kids after after being together for 7 months, everything going okay with the kids, they get along with each other.

Last night, partner and I split up, and I’m really heartbroken.

I’m divorced, ex and I get on ok. Partners wife died approx 5 years ago. His girls are aged 11 and 6.

At first when we met, the girls were really friendly, really lovely girls, but things have changed with his oldest. At first he kept telling me she will be okay, that he will talk to her and she is just acting the way she is because we were getting serious, and he did talk to her. She kept saying she felt I was taking her mums place. Of course he told her I wasn’t, and I even spoke to her and told I would never dream of taking her mums place, and she would always be a massive part of her and her sisters lives, and also her dads.

Her behaviour towards me is getting worse, and i feel so sorry for her and my partner as he was at his wits end. She was acting up at home, and school, and she would turn on me for no reason, telling me I was nothing compared to her mum, her dad would never love me like he did with her mum etc.

Last night, he came over to mine, and was really stressed due to an incident that happened at school. So, I told him we needed to finish as his daughter needed him, she was obviously going through stuff and he needed to be there for her. He told me he didn’t want to finish, but I’ve said his girl needs him more than me. I’ve told him we can still keep in touch and if his daughter opens up to him then maybe he could talk to her.

I was devestated when he left, but I know the children come first and I know I’ve made the right decision BUT I’m heartbroken.

This morning, he has just text me to say “your decision to put my daughter before you has just made me love you even more”. I don’t even know what to reply back to that.

When I divorced my ex, I honestly never thought I would find anyone again, then I did and now I’ve had to finish it. I think what makes it so hard is because we had such a lovely relationship, and we both really loved each other.

She is 11 - the OP and her partner are not pandering to her. They are being decent human beings and understanding the massive impact this is happening on a pre teen girl who has lost her mum.

I can't help but wonder if walking away might be the right thing for you though OP. This wont get easier - teenagers are pretty bloody vile at the best of times (i have one and even though she is a lovely girl she has her moments. The teenage angst!!) But this is never going to be simple. From your point of view OP do you feel able to cope with a rocky relationship with this child? Be honest with yourself - you are not expected to be a saint. You are entitled to be happy too.

OP, my Dad died when I was 12. I’ve been in the position that your partners DD has. I personally think it’s amazing that you are willing to put the children first in this. Perhaps because of my own experiences as a child I feel the same as you do. My DM never met anyone else during my childhood because she had addiction issues but she has since met someone and even now as a nearly 40yo, it smarts when someone says “your mum and dad” or even “step dad”. He’s lovely, couldn’t ask for a better man, we all really love him but I don’t see him as a father figure or dad to me in any way.

I know she’s said she dislikes you. She will say that. Kids do. She might be trying to hurt her dad to make him feel some of what she’s feeling. All I’d say to you is please don’t ever try and step in to her mums shoes. Even if you find yourself doing it in a nice way.

What were the meetings like when you spent time with her? Fun or just round the house watching tv kind of thing? When my mum did date I know that we much preferred the fun activities. We could be easily bought tbh, with cinema and ice skating trips. But if mums DP had even dared try to cook us breakfast or (cringe) ask if we wanted to talk about anything, I think I’d have acted the same as your DH’s DD.

I think you can still pull this back but you may need to be more aloof and fun for a bit. Less homely and settled stuff, more adventure activities and stuff they absolutely wouldn’t have done with their mum.

Best of luck, you sound lovely.

I think you did the right thing. She needs him more tight now.

It's strange she's still texting your DS though.

Being nasty to you, yet normal with him.

It will be interesting to see if now you're out of the picture her behaviour at school improves. Somehow I think there's a good chance other factors are causing or contributing to this.

You come across as very sensible.

IamPickleRick

When we met, we were doing fun things for the first couple of weeks, and my partner said she was looking forward to me being there, there has been times when we were at his house/my house and we have had dvd night ( kids asked for this) and whenthr night finished and we were going back to our respective houses, his girl said she had a nice time and enjoyed herself.

I don’t know what has happened or what I’ve done to make her feel this way towards me. I have been very conscious of the fact NOT to try to be a mum. The only time I said if she needed to speak to me was when she started to change towards me and when my partner spoke to her to say I would never take her mums place.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve really fell for him, and he has fell for me, we have a lovely relationship, but his daughter has a problem with it now.

He has spoken to his sister (who is a mother figure to his daughter) and she said she can’t get anything out of her either as to why she is being the way she is with me. She thinks his in-laws have maybe said something to her! So whether he is going to speak to them or not I don’t know.

We have arranged to meet up (just him and I) on Tuesday, so will have a chat and see what happens.

I honestly think you are giving too much control to an 11 year old.

11 year olds entering puberty are a nightmare regardless, let alone letting then dictate your relationships!

Its very important she doesn't think the break up is to do with her. It gives her too much power and too much responsibility.
11 year olds start to change and can be difficult. This may be just her entering those teen years with moods and drama.
It is good that her dad can focus on her but l really believe if ye were breaking up she shouldn't know why.

I am in a relationship with a widower. His wife died 10 years ago and our relationship began after she had been gone about six years.
I went through some of what you are going through when the middle child was 11. It was the same thing. Not wanting to replace their mother. Not wanting their dad to spend time with someone else.
Dsd went to counselling and also what really helped me was having his late wife's family being a great support to me.
They just reinforced that I was a positive thing in their lives. It was hard.
Hell, it's still hard but communication is key. Perseverance is key and also just taking a step back. Your relationship doesn't sound over. It's being tested. Pull together on this not apart. I wish you all the best xx

Marypoppinssidekick I think she may have started to care a bit about you then and has started to push back on it because she is confused about her feelings. And her home is “mums turf”.

my partner spoke to her to say I would never take her mums place. I always found those types of conversations so icky and difficult to handle and brought everything back up again when I was trying so hard to keep it together, I honestly hated hearing that kind of thing. It may have made her push back a bit harder, made her think about you taking her mums place when possibly she had that feeling before and couldn’t articulate it and now she can and it’s playing on her mind. I’m just guessing but that’s how I felt x

I think if you keep the relationship a bit light, go back to trips out, not being in the house near her mothers things, it might help and she’ll come round.

It could have been as simple as she looked over and saw you sitting on the sofa where her mum used to sit. Not your fault at all. In fact none of it is, and you are being great to think of her, which is why I think eventually this will all work out x

Or it may even be that she feels guilty for liking you. It sounds like she needs some counselling and someone to tell her that she can like and get on with her dad's girlfriend and even chat about girly things without it taking away any of her feelings for her mother. And her mother would be delighted for her etc .

And her mother would be delighted for her etc .

Please don’t say that. You don’t know what her DM would like or be happy about. You didn’t know her DM.

As I already said I sympathise with her. But it's worrying that she seems to be calling the shots. I'm also concerned that if her dad loses you and then doesn't settle down wth someone, she'll end up feeling horribly guilty about her current behaviour in 5-6 years' time when she's more mature and circumspect. That could be a burden.

@iampicklerick no I didn't mean for the op to tell her that, just what counselling might help with

How come you finished it so that he could put his DD first Isn’t that his job?

And are you sure that when you said you weren’t trying to take her mothers place it didn’t come across as dismissing her feelings, which are perfectly valid? Like it or not, in some ways you are taking her mum’s place.

Also, why on earth did he tell her that you had split up because of her? That seems a lot to put on a child’s shoulders.

Hi OP. I've been wondering how you've been getting along. Have had much contact with them this week?

Her mother died 5 years ago, when she was 6. She has gotten used to having her dad to herself.

I think that she feels threatened that you are trying to take her place. Certainly she misses her mother, but her bitter behavior seems like personal jealousy.

I don’t think handling her with kid gloves is doing her any favors. Was she punished at all for any of her hateful antics? She needs to have consequences like any other 11 year old.

I think finishing it was unwise, as it gives her power that she is not equipped to handle.

hink basically her changing reactions were saying this is too much for me and I need it to slow down. When he came to you about a break you did the right thing. What he didn't do right was go back and tell his daughter 'we've broken up because you need me'. What the hell would you think to that? If it was me I would be paranoid that the new woman was behind it all, in some kind of ploy to hurt me for my testing behaviour.

Now time has gone on she is relieved she doesn't have to deal with all those emotions.

Rather than him telling her you are not replacing her mother (which is arrogant to think that would even be a possibility on her mind, but shows he loves you), why not you tell her that her dad loves her so much and just wants her to be happy and that you care for her very much too. Show her you recognise that they have a special relationship by giving them time together the two of them, to have a special day out. It shows you recognise how important their bond is.

There is nothing wrong with the break up or break or whatever it is. It is breathing space and time. Families are just like this.

I have a very loving 'step mum' but it took time.