Namechanged due to the personal nature of this post, I’m often quite lax about identifying features and I know people who know I’m on here. Sorry it’s a bit long I wanted to be clear!
(I’m female, partner is male just for clarification)
I’ve been with my wonderful DP for nearly 7 years, we’re getting married this year, he’s the love my life, an incredible man and partner, and I couldn’t be without him.
The only problem we’ve ever had in our relationship (apart from the usual tiffs) is sex. I have a much higher sex drive, and honestly a very different approach to sex. For me it’s fun, relaxation, a way to burn off energy and connect with him. It’s an enjoyable activity I’d happily through in at any time of the day!
On the other hand he can happily go weeks and weeks without it, when we do get to it he needs to feel very comfortable and safe, not rushed in any way, need to not be going anywhere for a long time after (if we were going out later it would need to be several hours later). If he’s stressed from work it’s a no (which I completely respect but for me it would be ‘here’s a great way to work off the stress’!) he’s often too tired, despite being young and healthy. It’s almost a chore he needs to fit in (though he doesn’t like it when I phrase it that way) He definitely enjoys the sex we have, has no problems getting or maintaining erections, and we have a very loving and tactile relationship with lots of touching and kissing, it just rarely develops into sex. He says he’d like to want more but just doesn’t really have the drive to go for more. We probably average twice a month? Sometimes a bit more, sometimes a bit less. It’s been less in the past but we’ve found an equalibrium now we’re better at communicating about it.
As an aside - We tried for a baby for a few months before halting for other reasons, and having to have sex so much more was actually a bit of challenge for both of us as so different from the norm, but really helped build that communication of what does and doesn’t work for both of us to feel good/happy/relaxed. We were having sex pretty much every other day over the fertile period. We were both a bit knackered tbh! (just wanted to mention because I know in other similar conversations ‘how will you try for a baby with a man like this’ has come up, and I wanted to say I have no concerns first)
Essentially what we’ve got to over the years is it’s just not as high up on his priority list. It’s something fun for him but not absolutely essential to the day to day running of our relationship. We’ve been through the challenge of me feeling like it’s me, something wrong with me or that he doesn’t fancy me - I know this is simply not true. He definitely fancies me, his body responds to me, intimacy is not an issue. I respect his right to not want sex as much as me and that’s fine, I’m not breaking up a happy relationship over it and when we do have sex it’s great. I think the biggest challenge was overturning my own societally lead notions of male sexuality - men want sex all the time right? If they don’t something must be wrong! These assumptions hurt men and women alike.
The only thing I’m left with which he can’t really articulate, and I wonder if some here might be able to help me, is I just can’t understand why something that feels good, relaxing, enjoyable, WOULDNT be higher up on the list? It doesn’t really make sense to me. Sure some days we’re all too tired and just want to sleep, but I’d take sex over watching the telly, reading a book, whatever it might be, most of the time. I can’t really understand fancying someone and not wanting that physical closeness and pleasure with them so much because it’s so far from my own experience. I respect that he feels differently but I’d like to understand it better.
I’d be grateful to hear from you if you also don’t want to have sex much despite being in a happy relationship and can perhaps understand where my DP is coming from? Thanks in advance.