If you have a lower sex drive please can you help me understand my DP?

[Quickchangeinthewings]

Namechanged due to the personal nature of this post, I’m often quite lax about identifying features and I know people who know I’m on here. Sorry it’s a bit long I wanted to be clear!
(I’m female, partner is male just for clarification)

I’ve been with my wonderful DP for nearly 7 years, we’re getting married this year, he’s the love my life, an incredible man and partner, and I couldn’t be without him.
The only problem we’ve ever had in our relationship (apart from the usual tiffs) is sex. I have a much higher sex drive, and honestly a very different approach to sex. For me it’s fun, relaxation, a way to burn off energy and connect with him. It’s an enjoyable activity I’d happily through in at any time of the day!

On the other hand he can happily go weeks and weeks without it, when we do get to it he needs to feel very comfortable and safe, not rushed in any way, need to not be going anywhere for a long time after (if we were going out later it would need to be several hours later). If he’s stressed from work it’s a no (which I completely respect but for me it would be ‘here’s a great way to work off the stress’!) he’s often too tired, despite being young and healthy. It’s almost a chore he needs to fit in (though he doesn’t like it when I phrase it that way) He definitely enjoys the sex we have, has no problems getting or maintaining erections, and we have a very loving and tactile relationship with lots of touching and kissing, it just rarely develops into sex. He says he’d like to want more but just doesn’t really have the drive to go for more. We probably average twice a month? Sometimes a bit more, sometimes a bit less. It’s been less in the past but we’ve found an equalibrium now we’re better at communicating about it.
As an aside - We tried for a baby for a few months before halting for other reasons, and having to have sex so much more was actually a bit of challenge for both of us as so different from the norm, but really helped build that communication of what does and doesn’t work for both of us to feel good/happy/relaxed. We were having sex pretty much every other day over the fertile period. We were both a bit knackered tbh! (just wanted to mention because I know in other similar conversations ‘how will you try for a baby with a man like this’ has come up, and I wanted to say I have no concerns first)

Essentially what we’ve got to over the years is it’s just not as high up on his priority list. It’s something fun for him but not absolutely essential to the day to day running of our relationship. We’ve been through the challenge of me feeling like it’s me, something wrong with me or that he doesn’t fancy me - I know this is simply not true. He definitely fancies me, his body responds to me, intimacy is not an issue. I respect his right to not want sex as much as me and that’s fine, I’m not breaking up a happy relationship over it and when we do have sex it’s great. I think the biggest challenge was overturning my own societally lead notions of male sexuality - men want sex all the time right? If they don’t something must be wrong! These assumptions hurt men and women alike.

The only thing I’m left with which he can’t really articulate, and I wonder if some here might be able to help me, is I just can’t understand why something that feels good, relaxing, enjoyable, WOULDNT be higher up on the list? It doesn’t really make sense to me. Sure some days we’re all too tired and just want to sleep, but I’d take sex over watching the telly, reading a book, whatever it might be, most of the time. I can’t really understand fancying someone and not wanting that physical closeness and pleasure with them so much because it’s so far from my own experience. I respect that he feels differently but I’d like to understand it better.

I’d be grateful to hear from you if you also don’t want to have sex much despite being in a happy relationship and can perhaps understand where my DP is coming from? Thanks in advance.

and no one needs to be knocking on the door for at least 2 hours’ kind of comfortable

Struggling to understand his reasoning here. Lower sex drive is one thing, but this is not something I've personally ever heard of.

I'd be curious to know what his parents told him about sex. How did he grow up thinking about it?

I am in my 40s and have a high sex drive. I don't know if I'd be able to commit to someone only wanting sex several times a month. I do believe it would be a problem for me. However, maybe it is a price you are prepared to pay to be with him.

I’m in the same position as you, in that I have a higher drive, but we’ve talked about it and I’ve learned to accept it. DH enjoys it when we do it (which is 3-4 times a month, although increasing a bit lately) but doesn’t really need to do it any more than that. For him, it’s not something that relieves stress and if he’s tired he’s really not in the mood. When we’ve talked, he’s compared it enjoying his favourite food, but not really being in the mood for more after a big meal. We have sex one day, and he’s not really thinking about it the next day because he’s still “full” after his big meal...if that analogy makes sense to you. He’s also been fairly open about the fact that he doesn’t masturbate, because he just doesn’t feel the need for it between sex.

We’re happy with what we have, and both accept who we are. I very occcasionally still find it frustrating, but everything else in our relationship makes it worthwhile, and I do understand that it’s just different for him.

Newname yeh that’s exactly it, the more sex I have the more I want, whereas he will get a good fill and be done for a while. We tend to go for a good hour or more when we do have sex so I guess more of a meal than a snack 😂 he does masterbute but not loads, and more as a quick release.

Laughingcow I don’t think his parents particularly told him anything. As far as I can gather it wasn’t really mentioned, they’re certainly not prudish or religious or anything that might an indicate some kind of attitude. They have a great marriage and are affectionate with each other, I’m sure they’re still having sex! I thought it would be more difficult too and it was rocky a few years ago, but actually it gets easier as time goes on, the fact we have good lengthy sex when we do evens it out for me.

I found Emily Nagoskis work really helpful in understanding how people actually work sexually. It's science-based so... bonus. She also had a blog in case you don't want to buy the book. Clearly your dh and you have mismatched sexual desire but unpicking how exactly each of you works can help you find ways to meet in the middle. Eg it sounds like your sexual accelarator works quickly and his is slow. Perhaps warming him up by putting sex onto the agenda earlier (flirty texting etc) helps you jump on opportunities for sex more easily when they finally arise. Esp important with children about. Or perhaps it's his brakes that are too sensitive so you could do more to get rid of things that brake him. In both senses 'you' is meant as the two of you. Obviously he has to want to address this too. It's difficult when a man is the lower desire partner as they often normalize pretend it's you being abnormally sex driven and women tend to feel shamed or unattractive. You aren't but I'm in the same situation and I know it hurts. The Nagoski book helped us come up with things that work. Along with a very serious very calm discussion (but just one) where I was really clear that I'm suffering without sex and that it's important to our relationship. I am resolved that if we can't solve this in the next months and years we need to part. Our relationship is getting more sexual again and we are both feeling happy about that. But it took a lot of other books and talking and tears before I found something as illuminating a Nagoski's work.

I second Nagoski's works & some others whose names escape me but there are many similar who have videos and ted talks and such on sex and issues with sex in couples.

My spouse and I are trying to work through similar. He's the relaxed, enjoys it practically whenever, which I used to be, but over time I've found it harder and harder to put the stress of life aside along the stress sex itself brings for me. Like Iggly said, to get the mind clearing, fun, stress reducing part, I need get through what sometimes feels like a mountain of tiring questions and concerns about my body & the changes its gone through and its cooperativess and conflicting feelings.

It's easier to go with inertia and just cuddle up with a movie or even work than take those steps sometimes. Breaking through that inertia and stress sometimes means taking sex off the table and working on intimacy in other ways, sometimes focusing on whether X is enjoyable, or trying something new that doesn't have much expectation or history to it. It's frustrating and I'm trying to let go of the expectations, but we're getting closer through the process and that helps too.

Thank you lasttimeround that’s really helpful, I’ll definitely look up the book. Our communication around this is pretty good now, he’s not resistant and doesn’t try to make me the ‘baddy’ or anything.

I think it is as some have said here that he can’t switch off from everything else in the way I can. It’s more a break than anything else. I’ve tried the ‘suggesting sex earlier in the day’ tactic, sometimes it works but sometimes he just feels pressured, so it’s a careful one to navigate.

Luckily we are very intimate in other ways, but I think that also makes it more frustrating at times. An actual problem in our relationship, a lack of closeness to be overcome, would be something I could solve. As it is it’s just who he is, and I love him and respect that he comes at this differently to me and we need to respect those differences in each other.

It’s really helpful to be able to talk about it in this way, so thank you to all the contributors so far.