Why do narcissistic men (or even men in general) only introduce certain girlfriends to their parents/siblings?

[JudyOha]

I've observed this trend with men, especially narcissistic men but perhaps men in general..
Every man I've dated will be one who has obsessively chased after me to be with me (i.e. he'd have made the first move), done the whole woo-ing, told me how "surprised they are that I'm single/available", how "perfect" I am etc.. and not to be shallow, but these men were not out of my league or better than me in any way.

I got straight A's in all subjects at school, have 2 degrees, kind to everyone, witty (I've been told by many people), have a highly respectable job, not obsessively clingy at all, lively, outgoing, can hold an intellectual conversation, told I'm pretty facially and size 8 body with DD bra size, can cook, mid-20s, can drive etc. Main default weaknesses I can think of myself is that I'm kinda nervous (talk quickly, etc) but not shy at all and I'm quite small-framed (very narrow shoulders, below average height etc.)

^ NOT that any of these things are vital for a relationship at all but just saying I'm not awful lol.

The men I've dated have often been nearly a decade older (mid-30s) but some only a few years older, they weren't as skilled academically, nor as highly educated, nor in such a respectable job. They were nice looking facially I thought but wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea (as with most people except really gorgeous guys), mostly had very average bodies, drink quite a lot, etc. (not to be rude/judgmental but just trying to build up a picture for you)

Most of them I've dated would initiate every day's text conversation and date idea (I'd never need to text them first as they'd send the first text by 5am when they get up already daily) yet what irks me is that the concept of introducing to their friends or families has never crossed their mind. I've never asked to specifically be invited to meet their families nor have I introduced mine but every time a rship ends, it is so obvious with the next girl, they've introduced her to their sisters, brothers and parents within a few months (judging by facebook adds on their profile), whereas I wouldn't have even met any family member despite being with them up to a year.

Is this primarily because:
1)I'm lacking something not worthy of showing off/ashamed(due to e.g being a bit nervous and fairly petite/small framed) or
2) I didn't ever introduce them to my family or friends so they assumed I wouldn't want to meet theirs either (perhaps these girls introduced their families to the guy before he did? Not sure but I do know the women had introduced their friends to the guy) or
3) because I don't ever ask or express the desire to meet his family (whereas the next woman might have?) or
4) They simply don't think I'm the "one" or worth introducing (but if that's the case, why does every guy I've dated introduce the exact next one to his family (the next one is usually women older than me and even older than the guy by 3 or so years but I don't think I act particularly immaturely), and probably the ones before me were introduced as well..!

oh and ironically, whilst the guy is with the women they introduce to their family, they'll still continue initiating convos with me (his ex, where
I broke up with him) and try to get me back, pretend they're single, etc

I just don't get it that this happens every time..

Any help in trying to understand what might be the main cause would be very appreciated (although I know it's very hard to diagnose on an online forum)

You’re overthinking things

I’ve been with guys who I’ve never introduced to my family. I remember one guy who I was casually seeing met my mum and I was mortified.

If it was casual, or if I didn’t yet know whether we’d last, I wouldn’t introduce them until I knew for sure. Why would I?

If you’re with someone who you like and can see it lasting long term then have a conversation about introducing each other to the family.

It's nothing to do with you. Value yourself and this is Guate

You seem sure that these men are narcissists. if they are (and there's plenty of stuff online these days which can help with that) you don't need to be asking all these questions and tormenting yourself, you need to walk right away from them. Narcissists damage people, they are incapable of love and warmth and all the stuff that make relationships work.

My dad was an N. He married my mother who was (as I sense you are) eager to please (and possibly a rescuer? only you can answer that.) He made our life hell. And Ns don't change. Walk away now before you feel trapped.

I think you're focusing on what gives you VALUE in a way that isn't the point. Of Course you're not awful. But what is the dynamic between you and your potential boyfriend (?) like?!

That is what gives me value to my boyfriend I think. The fact that we get each other and have a really good rapport. I am not applying for a job.

I also avoid introducing people/men to my parents. I'd just hate it. If I ever get married again which I won't then maybe I will but I"m not narcissistic at all. The opposite, I have a tendency to be the empath and have had relationships with narcissists in the past. But like you, I obsessed about how it all SEEMED. I think I focused on appearing happy above being happy. I don't do that now. Some pennies dropped finaly.

ps, I recommend looking at youtubers such as ross rosenberg, lisa romano, meredith miller. Alan robarge. Brianna Mcwilliam. Have a look at all of them and see if anything in their library of really good relationship advice resonates

It's the moustache. 😊

To answer the question in your title; IMO it's to hammer down a strong independent woman that doesn't immediately fall for their manipulation. They need stronger emotional tactics to come out on top.

If maybe remove them as a FB friend and stop torturing yourself.

My mother only ever met the ones I married or got engaged to.

You are being a little ridiculous.

You seem to go with men you feel are inferior to you. Why?

No romantic/sexual partner is going to care you've got degrees or are short. Things like sense of humour, sexual openness , kindness, etc etc are how they value girlfriends/boyfriends. And, fortunately, a lot of men fancy only shortarses.

If you keep finding the same sort of problems and the same sort of men, it's your picker that that's off. You need to reassess what attracts you.

Why are you bothered about not meeting their families when clearly you did not get them to meet yours?

Well... I don't know. Probably nothing to do with how you are. Except maybe if you are a bit of a pushover? Boundaries? The fact that they are trying to contact you when with other women could suggest you lack boundaries and communication of your values? I could be totally wrong though, sorry!

I just find it so odd that it happens every time as if I'm some sort of hideous weirdo

I just find it so odd that it happens every time as if I'm some sort of hideous weirdo

Normally people introduce partners to their family if they are serious about them. This isn't an absolute rule as there will be men who think every woman is "the one" and introduces every gf - but it's roughly a guiding rule. The more so the older the man.

So from this we take the common denominator in your relationships is that you were dating men that weren't that serious about you.

If you are identifying them all as "narcissists" -(assuming you are right) you are attracting narcissists.

So the issue is not you or whats wrong with you. The issue is why are you consistently attracting and getting together with narcissistic men who aren't serious about you.

Narcissists typically want three things:

• a partner who has something they want for themselves that their partner can give them (money, social standing, house in provence)
• a partner who adds lustre to their grandiose idea of themselves (which maybe the same as "something they want" but may not be) - (model looks, wealthy, social standing)
• a submissive partner who will put up with their crap.

If a narcissist is dumping you the problem will be one of the above - you don't have want he wants or he can get better elsewhere, you don't add enough lustre to his idea of himself or you don't put up with his shit.

You should really be asking yourself why do I keep attracting narcissists

Usually this is because you are trying to 'right an earlier emotional wrong" - distant father you were trying to impress so you associate love with winning someone round, absent parents so you associate love bombing with real love and so on.

That's what you need to be looking at. You are asking the wrong questions here.

Too start off you are a prize they chase, but once they have the prize there is no challenge, so you just become part of their furniture.
Being nice sucks.

@MansplainMansprain

Thanks for your detailed response. I wouldn't say all of them were narcissists but perhaps one of them was "maybe" one and the other one definitely is one. The definite narc is the one I'm mainly asking about as he's the one who was the most serious and most long-term one I had.

Also, he didn't dump me - I broke up with him for his controlling ways, him constantly seeking validation from random women on social media as if it's the oxygen he needs to breathe and trying to pressurize me into commitments I didn't want (child, etc.). He kept contacting me for over a year after I broke up with him to try and get me to meet up with him, etc, although he initially wanted to cut all contact when I told him I'm leaving him.

The 3 points narcs look for - I know I had quite a few of them - above average looks perhaps according to him and others but no supermodel for sure, very above average intelligence, job etc. and do have low self esteem. Yet I think his new "target" has the main outstanding feature of having a very highly paid and respectable job (law) but she's older than me by nearly a decade and quite "plain looking" though certainly not ugly... so all in all, we were both on similar levels in terms of narc value I'd guess if they go for primarily looks and/or high career/wealth and/or low self esteem.. yet she gets the family intro...

But even the rule of people introducing their partners only if they're serious about them.. isn't it that narcs are deeply not serious about all their targets? I mean with me he did the whole love bombing thing of idealizing me, us getting married, having children (none of this I really wanted so he wasn't saying it to please me so he probably wanted it at the time as he was in the idealisation stage) - I feel that's as close as a narc gets to "being serious" about someone.... that's why I don't get why it's different with a new target

Men only tend to introduce the women they are really serious about having a future with to their families. Someone that they want to marry and have children with. They won't necessarily let you know they don't see you as marriage potential and will quite possibly lie to you - they don't want you knowing they're only using you for sex!

I also don't think that a narc would be looking to settle down with you anyway, you've clearly got excellent self-esteem. That doesn't work for narcs. And that's obviously not a bad thing.

kept contacting me for over a year after I broke up with him to try and get me to meet up with him, etc, although he initially wanted to cut all contact when I told him I'm leaving him.

If he really was a narcissist, this is standard behaviour and he was almost certain to be doing it with other women when he was with you. Narcs have a harem of women they keep "on the hook" as back up speed dial for supply of attention and sex when they need it. Google "hoover" and narcisst for more on this. It's likely he'll resurface in the future and have another go unless he is 100% sure he is wasting his time. Sometimes even negative emotion from the woman (tears/upset/ get away from me) acts as supply as he is getting a reaction.

me so he probably wanted it at the time as he was in the idealisation stage) - I feel that's as close as a narc gets to "being serious" about someone.... that's why I don't get why it's different with a new target

Narcs do get married and do have long term relationships - but usually they choose to do this with a person who they identify as being "the best they can get" for their needs. To be fair, most people do this - marry the "best they can get" but usually love them too. Narcs are more ruthless. If they find their perfect target, you can typically expect a very quick move to engagement, marriage and pregnancy - an abusive partner wants their prize locked down and vulnerable (dependent on him as a father to the child) asap before they spot the monster within.

The idealisation phase may last shorter or longer with individual partners depending on how they behave. The earlier the narc gets called out on narc behaviour the quicker the devaluation will come.

All of this is really academic though OP - as I said you are asking the wrong question here.

@MansplainMansprain Thanks for your reply. Yes I'm wayyyy too familiar with the concept of the "hoover" - he was like the textbook definition of a narc. All the narc terms "love bombing, hoovering, controlling, projection, triangulation", promiscuity, showing a fake moral self to the outside world, vain, having sob stories that display him as the victim, telling me all his exes were "crazy") applied extremely to him. As he never hit me, never shouted at me and never stole from me (which I consider the definitions of a bad person and wrongly thought anything else could be changed), I never thought he had a mental disorder - I presumed he was just being a wild child, a challenge or simply difficult, at the time. Yes x1000 to what you said that even negative emotions fuel his need for attention. He'd be ecstatically filled with glee if he did something to upset me and I showed any emotion about it - if I give him silent treatment or acted as if I didn't care, that'd drive him crazy. He was fine with being admired or hated but never ignored.

Yeah I have read that they get married etc. sometimes but with me, he was pressuring a child and expressing desire to settle down (I never once asked him for that, nor did I ever respond eagerly or happily when he did so he wasn't just doing that to impress me) so I'm a bit annoyed I suppose that even an awful narc who was obsessed about me can show more signs of a meaningful commitment (introducing the woman to his mum) than he did with me..

BUT the new woman is from the same country ethnically that he is from (nearby country I shall call "X" (she lives in England though, same as him) and his parents live in country X and I presume hers do too so I wonder if it was just a convenience thing (or perhaps that's just me saying that to myself to give it an excuse!). I know in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter but it bothers me..! In all other ways, I'd imagine he's the same to her as to me and all his other victims before me. He doesn't introduce her to his friends, he makes no mention of her on social media, no pics with her, etc. but the introduction to mum is just what irks me as it's like a step above.. (although just before I broke up with him he did say I can go to country X with him to meet his parents etc if I wanted but that was more him trying to prevent me for leaving I guess)

I don't understand why you are filling your headspace with worrying about this man.

The problem IS with you, with your standards and with your boundaries and your expectations of your partners. For some reason, almost certainly to do with your childhood & relationship with your own parents, you have extremely distorted values and views of your own self-worth.

You need to do The Freedom Program (google it) as a matter of urgency and prioritise spending some money on some therapy or at least counselling..

Comparison is the thief of joy. Even when you compare yourself favourably.

You aren't asking at all about what your original post says you are asking about are you?

What's bothering you isn't men in general but looking at your last post what is bothering you is why this particular naricisstic man is not interested in you any more but is more interested in his new woman.

If he suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, that is really all you need to know. Just walk away.

Women who have been subject to a love bomb and a violent discard often get obsessed with the man that did this because they can understand how such a shocking u-turn occurred. It occurred because he is a narcissist. Forget this man and move on. By even posting about him her and thinking about him you are prolonging your agony.