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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's probably married. Feel stupid

35 replies

Gullible48 · 22/02/2019 22:22

Namechanged so this isn't tied to my posting history.

I've been charmed by a man I met about 3 weeks ago. I've been single for almost 10 years and he's the first bloke that showed any interest in me. But this list (below) all points to him being married/attached doesn't it?

  • Never mentioned his employers name or families names
  • when asked what he's done at night, he always says "just chilled"
  • Only rings from his car or in daytime and rarely texts at night or at all
  • Never asked me out even for a drink. Just been to my house a lot
  • Only offered to come with me to event when he knew there was no chance of me saying yes, e.g theatre on the night I was going and I only had one ticket!
  • Doesnt have any social media
  • Mirroring what I said I wanted when we talked, eg not sleeping with more than one person, not moving in with each other, etc
  • When talking about men cheating (today) he looked amused. Like he was enjoying the irony

I feel like an idiot Sad

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 22/02/2019 22:23

You met him three weeks ago? How is he coming to your house “a lot” if you only met less than a month ago? Where did you meet him?

ReaganSomerset · 22/02/2019 22:27

It's not you, you're lovely. And you've cottoned on in only three weeks, well done you!

Kick him to the kerb and get on Hinge. Great app, the two people I know who tried it quickly got into long term relationships that look very promising. In the meantime, self care. Ice cream and rubbish TV. Unmumsnetty hugs for you x

Original poster
Gullible48 · 22/02/2019 22:27

He came to quote for a job I needed doing and we got chatting. He asked for my number. We chatted in the phone (in the day) a few times and as he works locally he would pop in as I work from home.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 22/02/2019 22:29

Hugely inappropriate to ask for your number when he is possibly going to be working for you.
Why didn’t you say no to him coming round and suggest a meet up somewhere public? A strange man inviting himself round?!?!

Hellohappiness · 22/02/2019 22:30

How convenient for him.

Original poster
Gullible48 · 22/02/2019 22:32

wolfie I know I've been stupid. Thank you. I've done everything wrong.

Reagan thanks for your kind words

OP posts:
LuckyLou7 · 22/02/2019 22:33

Sounds like you've sussed him out quickly, that's good, don't waste any more time and energy on him. Just tell him you know he's married and you have no wish to be the other woman. Onwards and upwards!

Perfectlyimperfectineveryway · 22/02/2019 22:35

I'd out him.

I'd simply send him a message saying "doesn't your missus mind you talking to me and popping over?"

That will shit the bastard up

lifegoes · 22/02/2019 22:38

Take it from someone who has been there and didn't listen to her gut. WALK.

Block and walk away. If you don't block he will get in your head.

Hellohappiness · 22/02/2019 22:38

There’s only one reason he’s calling around in the daytime.

bullyingadvice2017 · 22/02/2019 22:41

I would think he is married op. Follow your gut.

Adeste · 22/02/2019 22:42

You’re not an idiot. Well done for figuring him out.

MegaBat · 22/02/2019 22:43

Jesus Christ. Tell me you're not shagging him when he pops round for a bit of 'hows your father' in between jobs?

This isn't seeing someone, regardless of his marital status. This is being a convenient shag

JRMisOdious · 22/02/2019 22:46

When I was very young, 18, first part-time job in a bar, I fell hook, line and sinker for the 24 year old part-time barman. All of the same clues you’ve highlighted. My mother eventually told me she thought he might be married (biggest clue, probably, was his main job was as a BT engineer but he wasn’t on the phone, der 😂) Did a bit of snooping and found out she was right. I have always been a person of modest tastes but I suddenly became much more demanding in them and made sure he ran up the most whopping great credit card bill impressing me before telling him to shove it.
The 55 year old me would feel bad about his wife. Afraid I didn’t then.
Yes, he’s probably married, bastard.
Just ask him. If he is he’ll deny it of course but you’ll know.
I’m sorry, that sounds flippant, you obviously have genuine feelings for him but I fear he doesn’t deserve them and you’re worth more.

Original poster
Gullible48 · 22/02/2019 22:50

MegaBat no, I didn't shag him. I was wary, a rightly so it seems. It suited me that it was a daytime pop in as it gave me company and my children were at school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gullible48 · 22/02/2019 22:52

I don't think I'll ask him as he'll just deny it. I think I'll just block. He always texts or calls to check if it's convenient to call by. Well, now I won't be answering.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 22/02/2019 22:56

Why don’t you just suggest an actual proper date instead? If he’s married and worried about being seen out with you then he will say no.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 22/02/2019 22:59

Well done for sussing him out early.

I always ask to be someones facebook friend before I date them. And that page needs to state that he is single or I just can't be bothered.

Theres a lot of cheats out there, sadly.

HighlightsandHeels · 22/02/2019 23:04

Surely you know his employers name if he came to quote for a job Confused

Original poster
Gullible48 · 22/02/2019 23:07

He's a sub contractor so he's set up under his own company name but claims he also works for a larger company (that I don't know the name of).

I got his name and number from a recommendation website. I didn't approach a specific company for the work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gullible48 · 22/02/2019 23:09

His van is not signwritten either but 90% of them round here aren't. I've had plumbers, gas safe accredited fitters, builders and more here lately and none had a sign written van.

OP posts:
ShesABelter · 22/02/2019 23:11

Is he a tradesman? Defo sounds like you have been had!

Original poster
Gullible48 · 22/02/2019 23:13

Yep

OP posts:
Perfectlyimperfectineveryway · 22/02/2019 23:16

Don't feel shit about it though op

You saw the signs and you clocked on good for you

If you don't want to call him out on it just block and ignore if he ain't married etc am sure he will pull out the stops to see you again

If he is married YOU HAVE A HAD A MEGA LUCKY ESCAPE good call

Bellendejour · 23/02/2019 04:08

He doesn’t sound up to much anyway OP. when asked what he's done at night, he always says "just chilled"

Also I don’t really get this bit: Mirroring what I said I wanted when we talked, eg not sleeping with more than one person, not moving in with each other, etc

Why were you talking about moving in together after three weeks? When you haven’t even been on a proper date yet?

Even if you take out the ‘is he married?’ bit it all sounds a bit odd. Like a sort of back to front non relationship.

I would knock this on the head and try to do some work on your self esteem and how you behave in relationships/your boundaries/what behaviour you accept from men. Baggage Reclaim is a good blog I found helpful in working out some of my issues.

Well done on listening to your spidey senses and not sleeping with him!