I'm considering a sperm donor.

[TwistinMyMelon]

I'm 37. I have a good career and very good salary. I have a dd, 8, from a previous relationship. I have just bought my own house.

I had one relationship since her dad, we were together for 2 years, we lost a baby to an ectopic and I lost a tube. He turned out to be not a good man. Angry and emotionally abusive. He treated me horribly after I lost the baby.

I had a physically abusive relationship when I was 19. This last relationship was the second emotionally abusive relationship I have been in. I am from a nice middle class family. I am educated. I earn my own money. Yet I have been in 3 abusive relationships. They all started off as seemingly nice men. My experience is not uncommon amongst my friends.

I am in no rush to start another relationship with a man. I am happy, financially independent and don't think a man can add anything to my life. I like living with just my dd.

Thing is, I would like to maybe have more children. I'd like to give my dd a baby brother or sister. When I had her I was still in training for my professional career and it was hard. I feel ready now in every other way to have more children.

But I don't need or want a man.

I watched the documentary the other night on channel 5 about domestic violence and it brought back a lot of memories. The next day I heard on the radio about the man who killed his stepchild by crushing him with his car seat. The next article was about male priests abusing children.

I do not need a man for money, happiness or sex particularly. So I see no need in risking mine or my daughter's safety by bringing another man into our lives, as that's really what we do isn't it? We take a gamble every time we take a man into our homes and our beds. However I would like another child, and I am a good parent. My daughter is very happy, bright, and thriving physically as well as socially.

I am considering looking into getting pregnant by a sperm donor through a private clinic. Although the only thing that puts me off is that they can potentially have a relationship after the child is 18, and who knows what type of person they will be? The fact is at 37 and a tube down it may be my last chance...

Didn't want to read and run. Go for it, you sound like you've given this a lot of thought already. Trust your gut and your own judgement, good luck.

What’s your DDs dad like, was he abusive too, does he see his daughter?
I think the hesitation I have is that one of your children would know who their dad is and the other wouldn’t, an odd dynamic to have to navigate as they got older.

Not sure really but it sounds like you’ve given it a great deal more thought than many couples do before they conceive another child. Hope you work it out.

No dd's dad was one of the good ones, he has her 50%, he's great as a dad but we just grew apart unfortunately and we didn't love each other in the end. And whilst he wasn't horrible he was a bit of a cocklodger. The only reason we have a 50/50 arrangement was that he didn't want to pay maintenance.

I think children need to have a father or, if something makes that impossible, at least know who their father is/was. I know lots of people end up as single parents for lots of reasons and do a great job of it. I do think it's selfish to intentionally have a fatherless child just because you want to.

Im sure this will be an unpopular opinion on here.

Look at the Donor Conception Network.

@Lamentations - is that what you would say to a same sex couple?

Given the stuff on here, can't blame you !!

Yes in circumstances where the mother/father will be unknown to the child. I'm aware that some people may find that hurtful but I don't believe the rights of parents trump those of the child. I realise there is no easy solution to this for many gay couples which is why I said it might be an unpopular opinion.

Do it.

I'd say most sperm donors wouldn't really want to meet any children when they were older anyway? I don't know that's just my guess. But if the child is 18 and has a mum as strong as you the child will be able to work out if sperm donor is good person or bad person I guess....

Go for it. I wish you all the luck in the world. My ds is 7 dd is 9 months and honestly it's the most beautiful thing to watch their bond is faultless x

Although the only thing that puts me off is that they can potentially have a relationship after the child is 18, and who knows what type of person they will be?

You might already know this, but if you use sperm from a UK sperm bank, the donor can only request limited non-identifying information about any resulting children (the number of children, their gender and their year of birth).

Once the children are 18, they can request identifying information about the donor (his name, date of birth and last known address). So, it’s up to the child if contact is made with the donor, and if/when they want to share identifying information.

Lamentations

People who hold your views do exist but are unlikely to respond on forums such as these for fear of being slated.

I agree that it's selfish to intentionally have a child who will never know their father.

I don't like the idea of sperm donation and don't feel women should consider it a right to have a baby.

It is very sad for women who desperately want children and cannot have them but I also feel for children who are adopted out and who sometimes, in spite of having lovely adoptive parents, have a desperate need to meet their biological parents. Doesn't having a baby by sperm donation mean the child would be denied the opportunity of ever knowing their father?

No judgement on your choice & situation, totally up to you - however I’d be concerned that you don’t appear to like males very much & you’d have a 50/50 chance of making one...

Ignore @Lamentations

Sounds like you are sorted enough to go it alone. Maybe some counselling first to make sure. Go for it imo!

The only question I would ask is about your support network.

You currently have a child 50% of the time. This is not the same as the 100% you would have your second child. If you want to go for it, you will need a support network of friends and family who you can call on for help when suddenly you need it.

I would not proceed without a good support network, as children need to be brought up in an environment where they have various influences

babysharkah

Why are you telling OP to ignore Lamentations' view on this?

Her view is equally valid. You may not agree with it but your view isn't any more important than hers.

Have you considered how the child will feel, seeing his/her sister having a good father/daughter relationship and he/she doesn't have a father in their lives.

That's why I wouldn't do it if I already had one child. An acquaintance of mine has 2 sperm donor DC... do neither child knows their father. I'm not sure if it's the same dad...I'm suddenly curious.

A friend of mine did it and is very happy indeed. There is no reason why you shouldn't go for it.

Why don't you ask your dd's dad to donate you sperm? Maybe he is keen on having another child?

There is nothing wrong with getting a sperm donor and if you feel this is right for you then go for it

But are you posting on here because you want a particular response? what are you hoping other users will say? If you want to be dissuaded then maybe adoption is a better option for you or fostering?

Or just completely out of the blue, does DD's dad want more children and you can have a similar arrangement?

I don't think adoption is a viable option. There's a shortage of babies and even young children available for adoption that makes the process a lot more difficult and uncertain than its often made out to be.

She's cast aspersions on the entire male gender as being a ticking time bomb of violence and abuse. Maybe that's fair, there certainly seem to be a lot of abusive men described in this forum. Although how would she cope if she had a son?

Thank you CoolJude

There is a generation of children that will tell us whether what we have done was right or wrong.

It's not that I dislike men. I am just going by my past experiences.

If I had a son I would raise them to be a good man I would hope.

I know NAMALT and all that, but all the ones I have ended up with have been either downright nasty or a bit lazy and ineffective. And that was I thought after being very cautious in the beginning.

Go for it. You’ve given it more thought than many couples do.