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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What can be done about a jealous ex wife?!?!

28 replies

HJJT · 22/02/2019 09:32

What can be done about a jealous ex wife with no boundaries on how to take you down??

In some ways I'm seriously hoping there are some of you out there in the same position as me to see there is light at the end of the tunnel, but then again I don't want anyone else to have to go through this!

My partner and I have been together nearly 3 years and he has been split from his ex for nearly 7 years. The only way he could see his little boy was if he did a 3 hour car journey to where he was living and stay in a hotel for the weekend which was not only costly but meant his little boy couldn't become part of his family properly here with us and his grand parents.

When my partner started his divorce process and asked his ex to meet half way so that the little one could spend time in our family home she completely cut contact for them both, that includes phone calls, for over 6 months!!

We applied to go to court to get a child order to stop her controlling everything and get something official to restart contact and what happened next I have never heard before!!!

She told the courts she had no choice but to stop contact as I was mentally insane and that her child was not safe around me. She said a Section 7 report had to be done before she'd allow me around the child and that's why she stopped contact. I work with children every day for a living so was absolutely mortified at the lies she told about me to the court, apparently sharing beds with children etc.

When I was young I lost my Father who was ill for only 6 months then died. After his death his girlfriend threw me out and I was left with no home but also nothing to remember him by. I went to the NHS for a year of counselling but continued to work with children but this was the basis of her accusations....

Several months later ready for our second court case the CAFCASS report came in and myself and my partner were mortified. Even though they had had all the evidence from the NHS saying I had been for x amount of sessions and was now discharged because she told the welfare officer I only went once the report ruled I was not safe alone around children for long periods and that my mental health was only going to deteriorate!

She then went on to say my other half had mental health problems and once again the CAFCASS officer sided with her based on no evidence whatsoever.

We have to deal with abusive emails and texts from her on a daily basis and her reporting us to the DVLA to try and take our driving licenses off us constantly but we have no idea what we can do about it?!

I expecting a baby soon so firstly do not need this stress but also ridiculously worried as soon as she finds this out will do everything she can to meddle and try and get my baby taken off me.

Any one have any advice on what we can do please?!?!?!?

OP posts:

SparklySneakers · 22/02/2019 09:38

Why on earth are you bringing a baby into this situation?

Block her number and her email address and get your partner to communicate through a third party. Speak to the police about harassment.

Back away. It's between him and her and if he's not doing anything about it then you have a DP problem.

How does she know all that information about you? He must have told her. Why would he do that?

Did he move away? Or did she?

No smoke without fire usually.

SparklySneakers · 22/02/2019 09:47

And what exactly is she jealous of after 7 years??

Hopoindown31 · 22/02/2019 10:05

Is the solicitor fully aware of this information? You may have to contest the report in court. It could be expensive.

weleasewoderick22 · 22/02/2019 10:08

Why on earth are you bringing a baby into this situation?

Not really helpful eh?

Op, my dd's partner is going through a similar thing. His ex is putting blocks in at every opportunity to restrict his access to his ds. She moved 500 miles away and expects him to travel to do pick ups. He is doing this at the moment whilst waiting for a court ruling. I don't know if it's through jealousy per se, but it's definitely a control issue. What was the arrangement for access during the divorce?

Frustrating as it is, just keep going and it'll become obvious in time that she's being a pain and hopefully CAFCASS will see this.

Good luck with the baby

Debruary · 22/02/2019 10:09

How does an ex of seven years ago know about things that happened to you in your youth?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 22/02/2019 10:10

Another one saying block contact and let your partner deal with her.

Am surprised she knows about what happened to you when you were young. How does she know that?

SparklySneakers · 22/02/2019 10:14

Pretty sure cafcass can't access confidential hospital records.

Dirtybadger · 22/02/2019 10:14

Block her. Let him deal with it. If he moved away then it's on him to sort out journeys to his anyway surely? It's not fair to move away and then expect mum to drive hours just to drop off as she wasn't part of the moving decision.

Unless she moved not him!

If she continues to harass you then report her to the Police accordingly.

How did she know about what happened? Don't divulge any personal information to her or anyone who knows her

CiderBrains · 22/02/2019 10:18

Unfortunately it does happen where the ex (usually the mum) moves further away and insists the father does all the travelling. Then when it's difficult to make the journey as regular as he would like, the ex paints a picture that he's a terrible father who hardly sees his kid.

I've seen it happen several times.

Depending on the circumstances, it can be a way to control the situation and punish the ex by having the child "all to her self."

It only gets worse when a new partner comes into the mix, even if the new girlfriend doesn't get involved at all with the ex.

Bluntness100 · 22/02/2019 10:23

Op, did you interact with Cafcass as required? I'm struggling to understand how they found you both to be mentally unwell and not safe round children based on no more than her say so, if you interacted as required.

HJWT · 22/02/2019 10:28

You need a solicitor

Countrysideviews · 22/02/2019 10:31

Who moved away? If he did why cant he go and pick up the child? Also if he did move away did he offer to pay for her petrol to meet half way.

What exactly is she saying to the dvla?

I cant understand how they would rule you unsafe to be around the child? Cant help but think there is alot more to this than you are letting on.

NotTheFordType · 22/02/2019 10:37

3 hour car journey to where he was living and stay in a hotel for the weekend

That's the decision he made when he chose to move 3 hours away from his child. I understand there can be lots of reasons to move but it is generally incumbent on the parent who moved to do the travelling.

Clutterbugsmum · 22/02/2019 10:41

Can you get copies of your own NHS notes and contact your counsellor and get your notes and her assessment to see what she has actually written.

Are you still working within the childcare field, can you get written letter from your employers confirming that they have no issues with you and you.

Sounds like your CAFCASS officers has been completely taken in by his EX.

Tamsyn143 · 22/02/2019 10:42

Get a solicitor and understand if you're able to pursue a claim under the protection from harassment act x

Tamsyn143 · 22/02/2019 10:44

Plus, you can obtain copies of all the reports, the assessments, who's said what about you etc by submitting a subject access request under the data projection act. It may be worthwhile taking this step in case there are errors or obvious areas of challenge x

Chimpfield · 22/02/2019 10:44

Google British second wives club, you'll get great support there x

Loopytiles · 22/02/2019 10:46

Who moved away?

Original poster

HJJT · 22/02/2019 12:26

My other half has never moved. His ex wife has moved 7 times in 6 years. Once to a different country where my other half would have to fly abroad around work to see the little one.

On the 7th move he finally confronted her and said he wanted his child to have a relationship with his family more and would do the driving himself but she said he could only see the child at her place of living and if he didn't like it to 'take him to court'. It is worth mentioning every time he went to visit his child I never went as she didn't want us building a relationship.

Since knowing about court she has used facbeook, mutual friends and family to try and make out she is being caring and concerning when really she was getting as much information as possible to try and build up a case against us.

I sent CAFCASS my NHS report showing I had been 9 times and now discharged and that she was lying that I only ever bothered to attend once and we just had an email back saying they wouldn't change their report now.

She has told members of his family only a year ago they were going to sort things out and I was just a phase and she is dragging the divorce out ignoring our solicitor she just can not let go.

OP posts:

Readytorewind · 22/02/2019 12:49

HJJT are you sure CAFCASS said that? That they wouldn't change their report in light of your evidence? I'm struggling to understand that as CAFCASS reports are working documents?

Readytorewind · 22/02/2019 12:50

Has the court made their decision regarding child contact arrangements yet?

SparklySneakers · 22/02/2019 17:57

Why has she moved so often?
Something isn't right here and we certainly don't know the whole story and I'd bet you don't either.

In my own experience cafcass didn't care that my ex was abusive in every way possible and had form for inappropriate behaviour to the women at work. The children have a right to see their dad even if he is a vile misogynistic abuser. I doubt very much the mental health of yourself would have much impact, especially if soling ago.

I'd be questioning what went on to make her move so many times. It seems like she's running. Why?

Yes, some exes are nasty pieces of work who use their children as pawns. But others have very good reasons for withholding contact and it's usually to protect their kids because cafcass and the courts fail to do so.

I hope it all gets sorted out but please be careful.

pissedonatrain · 22/02/2019 22:58

I still don't understand how she knows all this very personal information about you.

lifebegins50 · 22/02/2019 23:28

Cafcass are obliged to change reports if factually inaccurate. When it goes in front of a judge it can be challenged if not changed. Put it in an email with a copy of the report and escalate to a senior manager.

Did you have only have counselling? Cant see how that would be an issue.

Santaclarita · 22/02/2019 23:31

See a solicitor, but this sounds really odd to me.

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