Contacting ex girlfriends

[Jadegreensilver]

My husband is regularly emailing an ex gf (it was 30 years ago!)
Several months ago she turned up out of the blue when he was at work.
She had her elderly mother with her. She returned abroad and they have been exchanging emails since. This week she visited uk to see her mother and he met up with her (her mother was also there.)
He has told me some of this but not everything.

He told me she called in but a few weeks after the event. He told me about the recent visit and asked if it was ok if they met up - he wanted to see elderly mother who he liked and said he wouldn't see ex gf on own no worries etc.
So all ok with this. But he doesn't know that I check his emails and there is more to them than he has told me. Lots of references to the past and emojis and recently kisses at end of messages. Not sure what to think.

You check his emails??

People will be very judgemental about the email checking,
But I totally would have done the same... and your gut was right, there is potentially more too it :(

There's not much you can do apart from keep an eye on it.

At least you now know.

Yes and I do so because he has history - an emotional affair and kiss with a co worker.
I never use to check his messages but I just have to now! Hope you can understand why

My DH knows that my ex is on a forum that I use. We talk about it actually. He knows I would never do anything untoward and he trusts me. Not to mention, I am no longer interested in my ex romantically but miss his friendship. He was a damn good friend at one time.

I have never checked my husbands phone or computer and he has not done this to me either, although I have showed him things.

It's your call really. I mean, how much do you trust your husband? If you think something is amiss, then go with your gut. I hide absolutely nothing from my husband though and he hides nothing from me. He knows exactly how I feel about my ex and everything under the sun.

That said, I really do believe in hunches, and any good cop will tell you the same thing. If your intuition says somethings rotten in Denmark, then most likely it is. But, that's just me.

Good luck!

I know they won't see each other for several months now. I guess they will meet up again on her next visit. But she has sent photos and is a bit flirty in the messages. She is married also. He is responding too. He is playing it down im what he tells me. Things are still difficult because of what happened last year but we are trying to rebuild and now this.

I completely understand the email checking. Once you've been burned you learn to trust your gut.
Sadly I've caught out every guy I've had a relationship with by finding a text etc that gives them away.

I've just caught my bf sending messages to an ex and there were so many kisses and winky emojis etc that it's hard to believe it could be innocent. Have you looked through the whole correspondence? Any idea why the kisses suddenly started appearing in the emails?

You're checking his messages begin his back because you don't trust him. I know you're doing this because he has form but it sounds like you actually haven't forgiven him. You deserve better than a man who doesn't respect the boundaries and trust if you're relationship.

@Jade, why are you tolerating this? You are underreacting. He is making a fool of you.

He is having an emotional affair right in front of you. He and the OW are developing intimacy and it is escalating. It is unfathomable that you are not blowing this out of the water. He is minimizing, downplaying, lying by omission, and keeping secrets about her. He is up to his old tricks.
*Meeting (used her mother as a ploy to see OW)
*Regular messaging
*Flirting
*Kisses
*Emojis
*Photos
*Memory Lane
*Plans to meet again

What kind of structure and requirements did you establish for affair recovery?
*Transparency with all devices?
*Total honesty?
*No inappropriate contact with other women?
*Counseling for him to investigate why he cheated?
*Strengthening his weak boundaries that allowed him to seek ego-boosts?
*Clarity that you will leave if he cheats again?

He is not rebuilding. He is bulldozing over whatever boundaries you put in place for your healing and marriage recovery. He is treating you with contempt.

Why do you have to secretly check his messages? That is standard transparency when a partner has cheated. Did he suffer any severe consequences after his infidelity?

I would have zero-tolerance for this. My husband would be out.

Thanks for your comments.
The kisses appeared in the messages since they met. He told me it was a kiss on the cheek.
I do struggle to trust him yes that's true. He is sorry for what happened with ow previously but the whole thing was awful!
I posted on here about it. He treated me terribly throughout the whole time - minimising , anger, no empathy.
He says he loves me and he has been a lot better. I'm still unhappy and he can tell. Things are but then we have a row and underneath the surface it is all there. He just wants to move on - from ow last year.
But now this connection with past girlfriend and lack of honesty. He tells me nothing in it and I've asked him about her but he doesn't know I've read their messages.
Is it because deep down he is unhappy in our relationship?
I feel so unsettled and insecure.
Sorry if I haven:t explained everything and it:s all so complicated.
And I go for counselling on my own as it didn't work put with him going.

I nearly left him before. Same issues again - boundaries etc even though he has reassured me, but I am not sure at all.

Of course they won't actually meet in person for months but they seem to be messaging at least once a week. He is definitely downplaying and he hasn't mentioned photo she sent - on beach - swimsuit and close up beach photo.
He saw other woman everyday at work so that was worse and they will be working together again later so I'm dreading that.

But he says it's all over, he is sorry, he loves me so why this now?
I know it isn't the same. She turned up on him and she seems more flirty in messages but even so.

I said it was ok if he met her with the mother present but I'm concerned about the emails. I am so upset and depressed about all this and the state of our relationship

@Jade, it is the same because he is crossing boundaries again. He is reaching out to another woman emotionally. He may not see her everyday, but they are building intimacy. Now she has sent him swimsuit pictures! For him to say the message kisses were “on the cheek” is ridiculous.

It is entirely inappropriate for a man in his position (restoring your trust) to be in regular contact with an ex and doing all the things I listed upthread. He is being dishonest about their relationship, which means he is again breaking your trust and breaching his fidelity.

I still don’t understand why you have to sneak to see his messages. Wasn’t complete transparency a requirement for your healing? You should be able to check his messages at any time.

His infidelity has nothing to do with you. He has weak boundaries and the need to seek ego-boosts.

Please don’t be passive about this. You need to lay down the law. I would confront him and make him leave, at least for a while, as a consequence for lying about this OW. You need to shut this down now and he needs to cut contact.

This is an untrustworthy man. I would end things now.

Thank you for your advice.
Sorry if I wasn't clear but he said that when they met it was a hug and kiss on the cheek. But since then after their recent meeting I've noticed they now put kisses on end of messages.
I agree that he seeks ego boosts as I have seen it in other instances with women he has worked with.
He has again, recently put a password on his device but I've worked it out!
He was more open about it after it all came out with the work colleague last year but this s a recent development. He recently showed me a photo of this ex gf with her mother when I asked but no mention of other pics and emails
All very vague and I have to be careful what i say.
Btw I feel rubbish compared to both of them. They are younger/ blonder .
He tells me he loves me and compliments me but I cannot fully trust him and feel insecure.
Why is he doing this?

For the thrill of an extra-marital ego boost. @Jade, it sounds like you and your husband are not openly communicating. Why are you allowing him to change his passcode? That is sneaky and he is obviously trying to hide things from you. You seem to passively accept that he is in charge and you must take whatever crumbs he throws you, instead of questioning his behavior and demanding changes.

You are allowing an affair to start right in front of you.

Your partner sounds awful. You don’t have to put up with this.
He won’t ever change. He’s proven this to you. He says what you want to hear to keep you sweet and does what he wants. He doesn’t care how it makes you feel.

You can’t stop him doing anything. We can’t control others, only ourselves...and why would you want to control him.

Personally it sounds like you deserve better than this.

You're right - communication is not open.
If i try and discuss what happened previously with work ow last year, he gets cross and says "you promised not to mention it" etc. It usually ends in a massive row and yes he is in charge in a way although I think I've got better recently. But usually it's impossible so I give in.

Ok, I see how it is. In ‘healthy’ affair recovery, a truly remorseful partner will do whatever the wounded partner needs for healing, including talking about it whenever she/he needs to. There is also transparency with devices and no secret passwords.

It is troubling that you “have to be careful” what you say.

If he is this controlling, and shuts you down when you try to communicate, you may have to be the one who leaves.

He. Is. A. Man. Whore.

Ditch him. You deserve far better and he will never, ever change. He is setting up an affair with the ex for sex whenever she is in the country. He will probably try it on again with the previous woman. And he's probably cheated before and you haven't found out.

Do you seriously think that's all you're worth? You're so wrong if you do.

She's right not to trust him. He's completely remorseless.

Meeting up with an ex using the guise of an elderly mother as dupe. What a pitiful act.

Get shot of him.

I just asked him are they going to meet up next time she's over - I remember him saying he would visit the mother. He said yes probably will meet up when over to see her mother. He said why the intense questioning?! bla bla!
He assured me again he has no interest and didn't ever go off me when other "affair" happened.
He said he can tell I'm still unhappy and not completely over it which is true.

I just asked him are they going to meet up next time she’s over. He said yes probably will meet up when over to see her mother.

How ludicrous. You know that he is not being honest, so why would you believe anything he has to say about her? He is not going to just announce that he is starting an affair. Has he shown you the swimsuit pictures?

Since he is again lying about a woman, what is keeping you from leaving this man who demeans you?

I hink he is out of order, especially after previous issues you mentioned.

Rather than checking his emails, also wondering what he's up to, and you realise he could have an alternative email set up don't you? Just ditch his arse.

Is this how you want to live? Waiting for him to cheat on you? He doesn't love you, he's looking for sex and an emotional conner tion outside if your relationship. You don't need a 'reason' to leave. You don't hsbe to wait for him to do something terrible. He's broken your trust snd it's irreparable because he doesn't care how you feel. Just leave, it's much easier to be alone.

I think I want to be on my own but it's so complicated.
I said I would try and forgive and move on from what happened with the ow last year and then now this. Sometimes I wish I had left him last year. I told him ok and we can try but I'm not really over it at all. But he gets upset and says I'm being negative when I mention stuff and "what good will it? "
Yesterday I said how what had happened last year has affected my self esteem and he just said 'yeah" in a sarcastic voice! And then made comment about "intense questioning" when I asked if he would see this ex gf again when she is next over here
He doesn't do empathy.