Contacting ex girlfriends

[Jadegreensilver]

My husband is regularly emailing an ex gf (it was 30 years ago!)
Several months ago she turned up out of the blue when he was at work.
She had her elderly mother with her. She returned abroad and they have been exchanging emails since. This week she visited uk to see her mother and he met up with her (her mother was also there.)
He has told me some of this but not everything.

He told me she called in but a few weeks after the event. He told me about the recent visit and asked if it was ok if they met up - he wanted to see elderly mother who he liked and said he wouldn't see ex gf on own no worries etc.
So all ok with this. But he doesn't know that I check his emails and there is more to them than he has told me. Lots of references to the past and emojis and recently kisses at end of messages. Not sure what to think.

He sounds horrible. He's belittling your feelings to make you feel silly for asking so his own behaviour is minimised. What he did last year is disgusting. What he's doing now is disgusting. He's never going to it this to you. He's never going to say that you have a right to be hurt because that would be admitting he has done wrong. I don't think you're going to get the closure you need from him to move on. And I also don't believe he will change. A year later and he's already back to having an emotional affair. If this one ends do you truly believe there won't be another, and another? You deserve more x

Yes I think you are right.
I just find him so difficult to talk to. He is so quick and clever. He often doesn't answer the question but makes a comment, then then takes the conversation im a different direction. He argues nearly every point and seems to always 'win'.
I feel increasingly frustrated when I just want to say how I feel or speak to him about something. We have a row then I end up feeling bad and usually am the bad guy. That's how I feel. I tell him all this but he just doesn't seem to get it at all. He calls me "obsessive/ emotional/ " etc. He is such hard work!

If he was remorseful, it would look like this.

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything

1. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.

1. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.

1. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.

1. S/He must feel your pain.

1. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.

1. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.

1. S/He must stop all contact with AP and not try to protect them.

1. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.

11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.

12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.

13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.

14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.

15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.

16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.

17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling.

18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

I've tried this in the past - he said the list is too long

He is a master manipulator, @Jade. He lies, denies, minimizes, deflects, uses sarcasm, and changes the subject to block you, shut you up, and make you back off.

This narcissist refuses to hear you, and makes sure that he is one step ahead. You can’t reason with him or believe anything he says. He enjoys toying with you and demeaning you. You are correct, he doesn’t do empathy, remorse or respect. He treats you like something on his shoe.

If I were you, I would locate my self-respect and leave this brute. Why in the world would you stay?

I don't know and I ask myself this question more and more.
He doesn't know that Iv'e read the emails between himself and his ex gf
Just can't believe it all and I'm so unhappy

You must face reality and deal with it. You know he is a cheater who never did any work to change. Last year probably wasn’t the first time. He treats you like dirt and believes you will never leave.

The first hint that he was lying and downplaying about this ex, you should have drawn a line under this marriage. You are foolish to put your well-being in the hands of a cruel, unfaithful narcissist.

You don’t need closure from him to walk away.

Don't feel bad about checking emails, or phones. Better to know than be made a fool of.

Thank you

Why don't you tell him that you will come with him next time? You know, all friends together.

Piss on his chips.

If he said the list is too long then you can be sure he isn't desperate to reassure you.

I know what you mean.
Do you know I still can't quite believe this! After what happened last year with the ow. And I'm dreading them working together later in year even though he says it's all over. She might be interested in him again and it might all start again. And I have to tell you that she has benefited career wise from his "help".
I'm hopping mad!!
But guess what I'm not allowed to mention it - it's all in the past!!

Yes, there will likely be jolts of physical and emotional attraction between them when they encounter each other. Frankly, I would not be around to see that play out. I would not stay to see how his latest infidelity plays out, either. You don’t have to cling to a lying cheat who wants to dominate you.

I wish you well, @Jade. Remember that you have the ability to free yourself. Your best bet for a better life is to walk away.

I know exactly how you feel OP. My h has had much the same wayward attitude as yours. A previous affair, which I was unaware of, and according to him, made him realise what a shit he'd been, so committed fully to me. Although he didn't, because loafs of little inappropriate crap keeps coming out, like holding hands with some female colleague, over praise of another at work, cosy messages indicating closeness which shouldn't be there based on his version of how often they see each other, porn addiction after voluntarily giving it up. All because he 'thought it wasn't that bad'. Which, at the very least, is what your dh is thinking, I'd bet. It's 'not as bad as' kissing/having sex, so it's OK. Which is his excuse. But it isn't ok, because it's likely not going to stop there. Even if they don't have a physical affair, he's going there in his mind by setting up all those thrilling and exciting encounters. He knows it, she knows it. You know it. It's not appropriate. If he won't stop, he's not in a mindset to avoid inappropriate behaviour. That's disrespectful and dangerous. He didn't change after the previous OW and he should have.

After all I know now, I'd say he hasn't reached a point St which he sees his behavior for the disrespect it is. If you don't have any DC, leave him. He's not going to change until he's had a full blown physical affair, which may open his eyes to what he's really playing at. And I'm betting you don't want to go there.

I'm sorry this happened to you.
We discussed it a little last night and as usual he got a bit defensive. He reminded me that it was she who called on him. Even so....it's now about what he does...
And @MsdDogLady thanks for all your words and you have a good understanding of it all.

He now says that they will probably meet up again in a few months when she is over again to visit her mother. he says will meet up with the mother too.
He has played it all down just saying she emailed a few times about the visit and family life etc.
He told me she sent pics of her children and pets but he did not mention the individual pics of herself that I have seen when I checked his messages!