No conversation with husband

[wannabesleeping]

My husband can't hold a conversation. He's never been able to. On our honeymoon he was "too tired" to talk to me. He got annoyed when I asked why he wasn't talking to me but it's just his way, he couldn't understand why I was upset and why I thought he was ignoring me.

16 years on it hasn't improved and I'm so lonely. I'm depressed, I have very negative thoughts and I'm constantly frustrated by the conversations I start that never go anywhere. I follow him round the house sometimes finishing the conversation for him! I sometimes say "what do you think?" after I start a conversation. Could be anything - polar bears, dinner, something on the telly! He says he loves me but it seems the only thing he's interested in from me is sex! We don't talk about important issues either, we lost a baby to an ectopic pregnancy many years ago and didn't discuss it. I kept it all in, I didn't want to go on about how I was feeling because I felt like I was being difficult.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I don't think he can change, I don't think he sees things the way I do. I want to travel and explore, I want to take our children on exciting trips abroad but he's not interested. I love him but I'm terrified we're just not compatible. We have such different views on life and the world.

I couldn't be with someone like that. One of the best things about my new boyfriend is that we can and do spend hours everyday talking. You couldn't discuss things with my ex. He had very stupid opinions based on nothing. No research and no knowledge.

Sympathies, OP, but I'm a bit baffled as to why you married him if you already knew he couldn't have a conversation! Surely conversation is essential to enjoying someone's company. What on earth did you see in him when you met?

Sounds awful OP. Dull and boring and entirely depressing. Conversation is essential to any relationship. If you aren't talking to each other I honestly don't see the point of living together. Unless there's a good reason to stay I'd definitely make the break and rediscover the world of talking, chuckling, considering, supporting, amusing, informing conversation.

My ex husband was like this. I felt very isolated and restricted. I divorced him and have been on those exciting trips you have mentioned. Life is too short. My exh has met someone now. I guess different people look for different things. I loved him but we were too different and now wonder if I ever did know him. If he isn't willing to make and effort, you could suggest councelling?

How did you get to the point of being married if he couldn't hold a conversation with you? Did he initially have any other qualities that made you overlook the conversation thing?

Hi OP!

So sorry you're sad.

Why did you marry him? If you can remember this and the reason you fell in love with him, is this still the case does he still have these qualities? They i think you can rescue your relationship.

My grandmother had kids and her husband never wanted to go out or do anything so she took them by herself and they had an amazing time! You may have a burning need for conversation but does it have to be with DH?

You don't have to have a conventional relationship, you can make it work for you! I know families who holiday together- you and your kids should still go.

Your husband and yourself are not compatible with everything but that doesn't mean you're not compatible at all! If he doesn't fulfil one of your needs maybe someone else can?

also were you happy when you married him? what was different then?

Well after 16 years, I think you can rest assured he won't change.

So, you can either live like this & not do the trips - or do the things you want to do whether he comes along or not - or split up and change things entirely.

We were good friends for years before we got together, I didn't fancy him much but we were pretty close and one day he gave me an 'all or nothing' ultimatum. So I chose 'all' because I didn't want the 'nothing'. The sex has never been the way it probably should be but I adored him. It sounds so ridiculous now, I think maybe I glossed over the lack of spark and I'm sure we did talk a lot in the beginning but it became quite ordinary very quickly. Our first row was because I wanted to go out for a walk on a sunny Sunday and he wanted to sit on the sofa watching the telly. We don't row much, it all goes left unsaid.

Lack of conversation is a deal breaker for me. Withholding it was one of the many ways my ex manipulated me. I think yours just doesn't need it and it sounds like you are incompatible.

@mkmo A few years ago I decided that I'd get conversation fulfilment (for want of a better word!) from my friends but it just didn't work. I can't stand the emptiness at home. Surely he should be the person I come home to, shouldn't my husband be a source of strength and love and comfort? I just feel ignored.

@sally2791 he doesn't seem to need it. But I really do :-(

I live with a quiet bloke but we have an endless conversation. I'd go batty with being ignored.

You have nothing to lose. There are loads of meet-up groups, fb groups & community stuff.

One of the weirdest threads I've ever read.
How is the sex stranger?
Why don't you argue with him?
Why did you have kids with him?
Why did you adore him?

Did you think you would have no other options Unless you married him?
Better than being single for years?

Try counselling to try to get him to understand how important this is to you, or to understand that he is not interested in your needs as long as his are met. But don't just do nothing, it's such a waste of time. He will not spontaneously change.

It seems like you just drifted into this relationship. You seem incredibly passive. I think you should get some counselling to explore why you've allowed this to happen for all this time.

I really identify with what you are saying. It turns out my DH has High Functioning Autism. He usually doesn;t reply at all if I say anything. It's like speaking into a wind tunnel. My words are just sucked away into a silence. It drives me nuts, makes me feel invisibal,e worthless and deeply lonely. I was on anti-depressants for years. Since coming off them last year I am much blunter with him. I tell him his silence makes me feel I don;t exist. (To which, ironically, he normally says nothing.) My DH also didn't ever want to do exciting things until about five years ago when we had a blazing row (I shouted. A lot. he said nothing, except telling me not to shout. I had to explain to him very loudly that he NEVER listened except when I shouted and that he only listened when I did shout because he didn't like it and wanted me to stop.
Since then he has accepted me choosing exciting places for us to go on holiday and we've finally been to some of the places I want to see.

Loads of people reading this post would think, why stay? But it's complicated, isn't it? Because DH is a very good man. He's calm and stable (my father is furious, aggressive and chaotic and I love that DH is the opposite.) He loves me, even if he won't talk to me. He shows it in other ways.

My advice (if you want any) is to be very blunt and direct with him. Explain what jeopardy his behaviour is putting your marriage in.

I was also wondering whether he might have other High Functioning Autism traits? Look at the faaas website (families of adults affected by autism) if you want to check. It can be very isolating living with someone affected.

he gave me an 'all or nothing' ultimatum. So I chose 'all' because I didn't want the 'nothing

Pity, innit. All on his terms.

It's definitely worth looking into an autism diagnosis. My dad has HFA and he is exactly like this unless you talk to him about one of the few things he's passionate about.

@TrainSong that's it exactly, words just sucked away in to the silence. It feels so horrible. I've told him that he needs to talk to me, that I feel invisible and that his silence makes me feel like I bore him and he's not interested but he didn't say anything! We don't row because he just walks away so I'm left feeling like I'm hanging off a cliff.

It's really great that you've identified it. If you don't mind me asking, did you know he was autistic when you married him or have you talked about it with him since you've been together? Dh's sister is autistic but I never thought he was too but maybe he is. I thought his behaviour was normal, I thought that's what long term relationships are like. I didn't have a good example growing up so didn't know what to look for for myself.

@Shoxfordian I am too passive and submissive. I sort of know why I'm this way and I'm having counselling to dig a bit deeper.

@unique1986 I think I married him because he was stable and he loved me so I loved him.

I'm aware as I write this of how pathetic this sounds.

It’s not going to change so you either accept it or you don’t. Personally it sounds to me like you made a mistake marrying this man and have basically wasted a quarter of your life in doing so.

Only you can decide if you want to continue this way or not

As others have said, why on earth did you get married and then have kids!
when he didn't change after the marriage did you think you could then change him by having the kids?