No conversation with husband

[wannabesleeping]

My husband can't hold a conversation. He's never been able to. On our honeymoon he was "too tired" to talk to me. He got annoyed when I asked why he wasn't talking to me but it's just his way, he couldn't understand why I was upset and why I thought he was ignoring me.

16 years on it hasn't improved and I'm so lonely. I'm depressed, I have very negative thoughts and I'm constantly frustrated by the conversations I start that never go anywhere. I follow him round the house sometimes finishing the conversation for him! I sometimes say "what do you think?" after I start a conversation. Could be anything - polar bears, dinner, something on the telly! He says he loves me but it seems the only thing he's interested in from me is sex! We don't talk about important issues either, we lost a baby to an ectopic pregnancy many years ago and didn't discuss it. I kept it all in, I didn't want to go on about how I was feeling because I felt like I was being difficult.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I don't think he can change, I don't think he sees things the way I do. I want to travel and explore, I want to take our children on exciting trips abroad but he's not interested. I love him but I'm terrified we're just not compatible. We have such different views on life and the world.

You can read more on the ‘married to someone with Aspergers support thread 3’ to see if you identify more with the personality traits.

Worth discussing OTRS with your counsellor to see if it fits with you (ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome)

I'm aware as I write this of how pathetic this sounds.

There is nothing pathetic about wanting a stable life with a partner who loves you. And it's all the more understandable to want that desperately if you have not had that stability as a child.

You know he is not going to change. This is who he is. All you can do is decide whether you want to live the rest of your life like this.

I can really identify with this OP. I recently called time on my 16 year marriage for very similar reasons. My husband was completely disinterested in chatting and conversing with me and the kids. He had little interest or need to share anything with us. He was also aggressive, shouty and always annoyed by everything. As well as all of the above reasons I felt as if I provided services that were of need to him. Sex, housekeeping,cooking and childcare. He had no interest in affection, conversation or having a life partner. Its been hard and initially heartbreaking but I'm discovering myself again. It's nice to be working again and with people who look me in the rye when they speak to me. They actively show they like me and I'm a valued part of the team. I now spend my time with people who treat me with kindness and it's a revelation!

I hear you on this one. I’m now divorced but am 90% sure he is/was high functioning autistic. No real conversation, repetitive eating, tv every night, v resistant to change....

@wannabesleeping I had no idea he was autistic when I married him. He self-diagnosed when school told us DS2 was autistic and we sat in on the assessment. DH told me he came home and did the classic autism test on himself online because he had mentally answered all the questions as DS had, and was amazed to discover these were textbook autistic answers. (I later did the same test and scored 8 outof forty, He and Ds had scored 35/40.)

It's ironic (to me) that school immediately put in place brilliant support for DS. He had weekly individual and group sessions and a personal mentor as well as the option for a counsellor whch he didn't take up. (The rest was compulsory.) DS2 is now by far the most emotionally astute member of our family. He is the first to notice and comfort me if I feel down or to say the right thing if someone is upset or distressed. He's learned to be hyper emotionally intelligent and gives the best hugs on the planet.

So, if they are identified and taught early, ASD people can learn how to show they care (I know they care, probably more than most NT people, they just don't show it.)

DH does try his best at times, sadly, only when I threaten him which it's not in my nature to do, but when I get to the point where I want to walk out, I say so and say why and then he tries. His attempts are really short of the mark, but knowing he is trying so hard means a lot to me.

It sounds like it's just how he is. If you are unhappy it's to to move on. You shouldn't be miserable, but he may not want or be able to change.

Oh my goodness..I identify with all of what you say. Every word. There are other complications in our relationship but we are at breaking point and my feelings have changed for him. When I look forward and imagine getting over the other complications it may be possible, but then I think of the nuts and bolts of our relationship and how conversation isn't easy, isn't forthcoming from him. The times we chat lots are when we are doing a joint project around the house - redecorating etc, or if there's something going on with family that needs discussing. We don't chat about day to day things. I've long since stopped trying. I can pass comment about something on the TV for instance and he'll say "I thought that" but he rarely verbalised anything. If I don't make conversation we don't speak. I don't from time to time and he'll ask me what's wrong, that I'm quiet. I've done this several times over the years and always recognised that it's quiet because I'm the driving force in conversation. And I've also sought it from friends, but I want a partner who I chat easily with.

I've recently wondered if he's autistic. I raised his lack of communication skills recently and he admitted that he struggles even to make conversation with family. His own family.

It kind of grinds you down doesn't it but feels awful to say to someone "I am unhappy because of the person you inherently are". How much of a blow to confidence would that be moving forward?

Sorry to ramble on. I just totally got it.

@Needsomebottle I've deliberately stayed quiet sometimes and just like you, there's been silence. We're that couple in the restaurant eating in silence. I won't go out for dinner with him anymore. If I mention something he will say, again just like yours, "I wondered that" but he never says it!!! Like thinking it is enough.

He also struggles socially, I've watched him interact with friends and the conversations just fade, they're rarely two way unless it's about one of the few topic he's already interested in.

But as many have said on here, he won't change because it's who he is and as much as I love him I'm at the point where I need to think about the future and my sanity. I'm so low and unbelievably lonely that I don't think it's good for me. I had a rough time growing up so I can't handle being ignored or made to feel insignificant so it's almost a double whammy, as if he is doing (albeit not deliberately) the very thing that is my biggest trigger.

Have you read the thread that Moffa suggested above? I've read a lot of it today and it is enlightening but heartbreaking all at the same time. Thank you @Moffa I appreciate your help.

Do I adapt and make sacrifices to myself and my sanity or do I go and tear our little family apart? The kids, interestingly enough, enjoyed the time we had a couple of years ago when he was away for a few week with work - they commented on how calm it was and how no one argued and we all got on so well. No tension.

I've gone on a lot - I'm bizarrely relieved to know that I'm not alone.

You have one precious life. You're wasting it with him stifling you. The kids and you had a nice calm time while he was away? Says it all. Poor children witnessing this dysfunctional relationship. For their sakes end this, its weird and soul destroying. In the meantime you and the kids start doing things independently from him. Go on holidays, go for those days out, walks in the sunshine... without him.

Hi Wannabe

I’m glad it was helpful. The Neurotypical website is also good. I think it can either give you the knowledge/tools to understand why you feel the way you do and maybe get some help or it can show you you cannot go on.

My DC are young (both pre-school) and I’ve decided to leave in one month. Just getting my ducks in a row. It will be hideous because he isn’t a bad man, he just makes my life so lonely. I’ve been suffering with OTRS although feel much better now I understand why I feel the way I do. I’ve been referred for specialist psychotherapy by the NHS which starts this week. I can’t wait - I really need it.

I think it’s amazing how once you take notice you see so many of the traits. As others have said on various threads nowadays children with autistic traits are generally diagnosed in childhood & given the tools & coping mechanisms to function with emotion & empathy. Just the knowledge they are autistic gives them an advantage when having relationships. Most adults with HFA are undiagnosed which puts unbearable strain on NT (Neurotypical) partners.

Following your thread & sending you

Thank you for the thread recommendation, I've seen it but not read it previously, it's not something I've ever broached with him, but funnily enough we've pondered whether our eldest could be on the spectrum with some of her personality traits - funnily enough the ones that they share. I didn't make the connection until about 6 months ago and it seems to explain some things. I'm scared of reading the thread as if it makes my suspicions even stronger I'll feel even worse about considering splitting as it's even more likely that it's things he can't change, things I used to be ok about but I'm not anymore.

I don't know about you, but taking each day at a time is ok. Not great but ok, it's not an utterly miserable life, but the thought of it being this forever is pretty disheartening. Even if we could work through the other stuff, this is who he is, and I feel awful for saying it, but it doesn't feel enough for me. And that makes me feel incredibly mean.

Only you know if it would be better to stay, could you have a trial separation?

What is it that you love about him?

I’m in a smilar relationship, not only does he have very little to say to me, he also appears to hate any kind of intimacy with me. If I touch him he pushed my hand away and tells me to stop. The only way is to get any intimacy is to get extremely mad with him to point I don’t even want it or on the rare occasion he wants it. I’ve tried talking to him about this but he turns it back on me and makes me feel unreasonable about the whole thing. I know he master bats when alone, but is unwilling to talk about it. I feel like crap about the whole thing. Nice to finally get it off my chest

Melo - that really is too much to handle - no physical or verbal contact is unhealthily isolating. What is keeping you in the relationship?

You say if you keVe you will tear your family apart? But if you stay and suffer an isolating life you don’t get any comfort from... you are tearing it apart from the inside.
Me and DH talk too much probably, mostly absolute shite, but it’s constant. I could not have went as long as you without the social interaction!

I started some counselling last year and he said he didn’t understand why I needed to. I explained a bit, I didn’t really know either but knew that I needed help with something I couldn’t yet identify. He didn’t ever ask, he hasn’t said anything or made any effort to help or support me. Is this normal? I’m sorry, I know how ridiculous this sounds but I’m wondering if I don’t know what an openly loving and supporting marriage looks like. I think maybe my normal is not what is considered a healthy marriage.

It doesn't sound ridiculous. This is not a loving and supportive marriage.

He will never change.

It’s a tough situation. It sounds like at the beginning what he could offer was enough, probably related to how you grew up. But now as you have matured you see you want more from your relationship, and you realise he cannot offer that.

Same re counselling - I started some (though only did two sessions) he never asked how it went, whether I was going again, not a thing. I did point this out in one of our very few conversations about our relationship and he said it was because he was scared of what I'd say. Could that be the reason in your circumstances? Burying his head? Ironically when I pointed it out and we were mid "deep and meaningful" (as d and m as it gets with him) he still didn't ask anything about it!

I agree, has this become our "normal" but actually is really far removed from what we would have said we wanted twenty years ago?

"I want to take our children on exciting trips abroad" - go, go go!!! Just do it!

Agree with abitlost we have no idea how our lives will turn out when we marry.

I think i would try to make as full a life as possible and see where that takes you. I know it sounds trite but I'm discovering the hard way that although my ex was an utter shithead, i gave him too much power in our marriage. I have to own that - it's not about right/wrong, more about approaches and choices I guess. I was too co-dependent and am still rather too passive for my liking.

Changing slowly and all the better for it. Good luck OP

You are not unreasonable to want more.

He will never change.

So you have two choices - make the life you want for yourself within your current living situation or leave.

If it’s company and conversation you miss, you could make a social life for yourself and your children in evenings and weekends . So basically you and he become flat mates.

Do you enjoy sex with him now and would you want to go on doing this? It wouldn’t work for me as I only like having sex with someone I have an emotional and social relationship with . But everyone is different .

Would you like an open marriage and would he agree to this?

It’s clear you can’t go on like this. It’s affecting your mental Health and your children.

With all due respect to PP, I wouldn’t waste your time trying to Diagnose him or persuading him to get a diagnosis. It will make no difference at all to the quality of your life , he’s perfectly happy the way he is, why should he change?

And even if he gets on, it will just give ammunition to say you should stay because he “ can’t help it”. If he doesn’t care about your needs now, he won’t start caring because be has a label to blame it on.

If you decide to leave, he will only miss the domestic services you provide and not you, if that’s any consolation. And it sounds like your kids will be happier as well.

I’m not sure TrainSong I suppose I’m lacking in confidence. I’m in this relationship over 10 years. This is my second marriage and after I broke up with my previous husband I lost so much, family/friends. I just felt I lost a bit of myself. I’m not sure I can do it again. I’m put on weight, about 2.5 stone but can’t find the motivation to lose it. I suppose I eat chocolate to suppress my feels. Wow this is just flowing out of me, it feels great to talk about it. I cannot talk to him about this is is definitely not open to it. Previously if we did talk it would change briefly the hassle is not worth it as he does turn the whole thing back on me. I’m feeling so lonely in relationship, if it wasn’t for my children I would have no physical contact.

If anyone here is still active - I left.

I bought a house with my kids, I went to Italy and climbed Mount Vesuvius and last year I climbed Mount Etna. I've started my own business and I've met someone who doesn't stop talking!!!

I've had doubts and cried so bloody much but when I read this thread again it makes so much sense. I'm a different person 😄

So if anyone sees this thank you for your advice!!! 💜