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Original poster

DP avoiding IVF

27 replies

HeSaid6Months · 21/02/2019 16:07

NC as don't want to be outed on the TTC thread.

DP (46) has 2 DC from previous marriage, age both under 7. TTC 2 years. We had a MC Oct 2017.

I (38) have PCOS (diagnosed 10 years ago) we were given an IVF referral option in May 2018 - I had all the tests the GP does, DP did not go for his bloods/ swimmers test, said 'lets wait 6 months, get as healthy and fit as possible to ensure the best chance of it working'.

November 2018 came around and he said that 'we' hadn't made any effort to get healthier (We are both a normal weight/non-smokers etc). He said that if I really wanted a baby I would have committed to getting in better shape. I asked him to have his tests done, so that we can get i the system. He refuses.

It seems the goal posts continue to move. DP is now saying that he feels too old and maybe we should just see what happens naturally. I am an active and involved Step mum and have a great relationship with his DC. He seems to think that should be enough.

I can feel myself withdrawing from him because now i question whether he has been stringing me along since day one. I'm 39 next months. I love him, I love the DSC. I don't want to be without them, but I feel so lost/sad/angry.

Sorry so long, waffly.

OP posts:
RebootYourEngine · 21/02/2019 16:14

I hate to say it but it sounds like he doesnt want anymore children. I think you two need an open and frank conversation.

LemonTT · 21/02/2019 16:14

He needs to want to have another child. If he doesn’t or has changed his mind you need to give him the space and permission to say it. That is difficult if you are sad and angry.

I get he needs to be straight with you. But people often aren’t. They make excuses especially when they are unsure and need time. But I think it is clear he has changed his mind. Not surprising at his age with 2 kids already.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/02/2019 16:20

He doesn't want any more kids.
You do want to have DC.
So you need to seriously consider getting out and getting on with it.
My friend had a donor baby at 39.
You don't have any time to waste on this guy who keeps moving the goal posts.

Sorry but I'm with him on the too old thing.
46, which means he could be 48 by the time you have a DC.
When DC is 12 he will be 60. That's a time to chill out and not be looking forward to the teenage years.
He will be 68 well child is 20. Children live with their parents far longer now and probably even longer then.

But right now you need to focus on the fact you won't be having a child with this man.
So what now for you???

EKGEMS · 21/02/2019 17:13

Has he had a vasectomy and too scared to be outed by the test results?

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 21/02/2019 17:15

Agree I suspect he has had the snip....
Not sure if it's universal but I could feel the scarring where exh had his....

adaline · 21/02/2019 17:20

He doesn't want anymore children OP.

Aussiebean · 21/02/2019 17:20

Yep. My first thought was vasectomy. Hope I am wrong.

Bananasarenottheonlyfruit · 21/02/2019 17:34

Unlikely that he has had a vasectomy, given that OP had a miscarriage since they have been TTC. Flowers

He definitely doesn't sound like he wants more kids though. Time for a frank conversation.

Ellisandra · 21/02/2019 17:40

He’s already got two young kids, he simply doesn’t want any more.

All that shit about getting in shape is just cruel. I’m sorry OP, but I’d be deciding whether he was actually someone I wanted to stay with after that. Completely aside from the kids/no kids decision. You’ve got someone who will fuck about with your feelings rather than tell you the truth. That wouldn’t be what I wanted in a boyfriend Sad

Crystalintheeyes · 21/02/2019 17:48

I think it’s pretty clear he doesn’t actually want anymore kids....

adaline · 21/02/2019 17:50

Unlikely that he has had a vasectomy, given that OP had a miscarriage since they have been TTC.

That was nearly eighteen months ago - it's possible it freaked him out and he went behind her back?

Dimsumlosesum · 21/02/2019 17:51

He doesn't want more kids and is too much of a coward to tell you straight out.

NoCauseRebel · 21/02/2019 17:58

It does sound as if he doesn’t want more children and tbh I can see why given his age.

Also, IVF is a long, gruelling process which can take years, so if he feels that he is too old at 46 then he is going to be potentially pushing 50 by the time you actually have a baby. Add all the stress of IVF into that mix and it doesn’t make for a happy environment in which to have more children.

But you both need to have a frank conversation about it, because the truth here is that not wanting more kids at 46 isn’t wrong and IVF isn’t for everyone, but he needs to be honest about it but perhaps he feels he can’t be given that he already has children and you don’t.

Another thing to consider is the fact that his other children were conceived naturally, so he maybe doesn’t see him as having the issue hence not wanting to put himself through tests etc. But talk to him, and both be open to listening to each other.

grinningcheshirecat · 21/02/2019 18:03

It'll never be good enough for him, he's just looking for excuses.

If you really want children would you consider leaving him and using donor sperm? You don't have much time left.

You can't make someone want children but I do resent men who string women along.

Original poster
HeSaid6Months · 21/02/2019 18:09

Thanks all, I needed a dose of tough love,

Realistically I have known in my heart since he started with the excuses, I just didn't want to accept it.

I've had a jolly good cry for the last hour. Snot and all. I'm going home to face the music.

OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 21/02/2019 18:27

So sorry op. He's been unforgivably selfish. It is very cruel not to be honest with you over something so important and life changing.

He has purposely strung you along. To suggest you didn't really want a baby because you hadn't embarked on a 6 month fitness regime is low.

His dc are very young - I would wonder if he didn't enjoy being a full time father and this arrangement suits him better and is the reason he doesn't want children with you as he would have to parent 24/7.

How anyone can experience what it's like to be a parent, then actively prevent someone they love from experiencing it is beyond me.

Prettyvase · 21/02/2019 18:58

What happened to the previous marriage? Did his ex get annoyed at him not being a hands on dad then?

Do you think he's strung you along so that he gets free childminding?

It sounds suspiciously like he has hooked you to look after his dc, sorry op.

HavelockVetinari · 21/02/2019 19:00

Ah that's shit OP SadFlowers

Bananasarenottheonlyfruit · 21/02/2019 19:02

That was nearly eighteen months ago - it's possible it freaked him out and he went behind her back?

Come on! Whilst most people recover relatively quickly from a vasectomy, it is highly unlikely that a man could sneak off for the snip without his DP noticing!

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 21/02/2019 19:09

There is a massive difference between 38 & 46 wrt to feeling your age. I was keen to have kids at that age, now I just feel knackered.

ittakes2 · 21/02/2019 19:54

I'm sorry it does sound like he doesn't want any more kids.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 21/02/2019 19:59

I'm so sorry OP. But with your age you need to leave him for any chance of having a baby. Be that with someone else or on your own.

ConfCall · 21/02/2019 20:08

So sorry OP. I understand why he doesn't want more children and think it is probably sensible, but his behaviour has been awful.

helpmeoutout · 21/02/2019 20:14

This is terrible situation, I would advise you to leave him as soon as possible if you desperately want children, it seems that he doesn't want anymore. It's not fair that you play mum to his kids but not get to have any of your own if that's your desire. You are already late 30s, i would not waste anymore time with this man. I know you will miss the step kids, but you will have to detach yourself from them and him and move on!

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/02/2019 20:15

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you Flowers

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