is it me or him?

[meorhim20]

Married, 2 DS (7 & 12 - older one has severe LD/Autism).

DH has a very stressful job, long commute, frequent travel. He says I am not supportive enough. We had a huge argument yesterday cause the dinner was not on the table when he came home. We also argue because he needs 'space' to wind down after work and during the weekend. He spends his weekends sleeping or doing a hobby. Whilst I want him to help at home and with the DC.

I should say that I work Monday - Friday during school hours (but regular office job - I don't have time off during the school hols). I do 20 school runs every week (DS1 to primary and DS2 to SS secondary - both luckily within 1 mile from home). I also do the household (95%) as DH leaves early in the morning and comes back usually only after 7. DH uses his annual leave for a hobby where he goes away for 2 weeks twice a year alone) so I need to use all my AL + unpaid leave to cover school hols (+ the off day in an SN include holiday club). I have absolutely zero down time (and no family, so no support).

We are constantly arguing. He expects 'more' off me. Food is not on the table regularly when he comes home or his dislikes what I cook. He want me to attend a cooking course (when I would do that is beyond me though). House is not clean enough for him. I don't have enough time to clean and he won't allow me to get a cleaner (he is extremely tight, my PT job would not stretch to afford a cleaner), I don't want sex frequently enough, etc. He has a point. I have zero sex drive, the house is a tip but I am doing my best. I cry most days because I am so exhausted. DS1 is also an awful sleeper and I do the night wakings mostly.

I know DH has a very stressful job but honestly, I have nothing left to give.

I think the main issue is that he feels resentful. He says I trapped him into this life with the DC. He says I gave him 'that kid' (meaning DS1) which really turned our life upside down. I wanted DC more than he did. So he thinks I should suck it all up and that I should be grateful for him going to work and providing for the DC even though I trapped him into this life.

Life is just unbearable. I don't event know what I am asking.

I feel I cannot see the wood for the trees and need some input as to how to untangle this mess.

Also, leaving is not an option financially (it's complicated).

I am sorry you are going through this. But I think there are options, financially, if you decide to walk away. It sounds like you are doing fantastically on your own with your kids and full time job. It sounds like you do not need your husband, and that he is adding to your stress, instead of doing his bit. I can understand his need to wind down after a hard job and a long commute, but when do YOU wind down? As for the complaining about your food and the state of the house, sod that. Wouldn't you be better off without him?

And the way he talks about your DS is disgusting.

OMG just walk away. Get advice and walk away. Step into the sun ffs.

Oh and in answer to your OP. It's him.

I would have left him just for the way he speaks about your ds as that is awful let alone the other stuff.

they, it's not full time. it's during school hours so 22h/week on NMW Finances are complicated without going into detail but couldn't do it alone.

And no time for myself. but that is ok really. The kids are good kids and we can do lots of things the three of us enjoy esp outdoors. I wind down that way.

OP sending big hugs , I know your struggling but you should be proud of yourself for what you have achieved he ought to man up and take responsibility but I’m sorry to say this but he won’t he takes you for granted. If you are set on not leaving you need to focus on yourself and your dc you need to ignore the comments about the house etc you need to stop putting dinner on the table for him . Would he cope in your shoes ? I very much doubt it . Stay strong

Do you love him or like him. Tbh if you don’t like him then I would question the foundation of the relationship. He does not contribute to family life from what you say. He doesn’t make you happy. He could provide the same parental support if you were not married, possibily more.

All things being equal, people are not financially better off apart. But I would question that in your case. I would explore if this is the case.

I am not saying leave him or ask him to leave. But I think you need to work out your power in the family. It’s is quite strong and his is weak. He provides money but legally you can probably get more apart. This man at the very least needs a wake up call.

OPP he sounds bloody awful. It sounds like he adds little to your life other than stress and upset. I think you should go to CAB and find out what your options are. there will be options, plus your H will have to pay CM if you leave.

Really OP, you sound like you would be better off without your H, and the way he speaks about his own DS is bloody disgusting. You deserve better than this. Your H should love you and the DC but it sounds like he just ignores you and looks after himself, and hurts you instead. Bin him off. you’re wasting your life being dragged down by him.

and, you haven’t trapped him into anything. Presumably he knows how babies are made. He didn’t have to have unprotected sex with you. It’s his sperm that created half of your DC. sounds like he can’t even take responsibility for his sperm, let alone a wife and two DC.

He does sound like he needs a rocket up his arse. Because it sounds like finances aside you'd find life less stressful without him. If I were you, I'd go and get some advice re what you'd be entitled to on your own. Are you afraid that if you did split you'd have absolutely no help at all with your DC's as he'd disappear from their lives? Just actually knowing what you'd be entitled to gives you the power to make an informed decision. Your finances may be complicated but you're married so you aren't unprotected.

Once you truly know you can present him with a choice. Pay for a cleaner and stop being a selfish knob and it'll cost this much. Or we can split up and this is how it'll go. Obv only do that if splitting up is a decision you can be happy with. You've still got the rest of your life ahead of you. How do you want to live it.

It's him. It sounds like your life would be easier and happier without him in it. He's horrible to you. And it's no wonder you don't want sex with him, no one treated the way you are would.

OP for you .He sounds awful.it is him not you. To speak about his child like that is unforgivable. I simply could not love or be with a man like that. Agree you need financial advice so that you can leave and create a happier home with you and DC. You may be less well off financially but I suspect you would flourish being away from this horrible controlling arse of a man.

Holy crap he sounds like an ARSEHOLE. LTB. Then enjoy actual sleep and r&r when the DC are at their dad's, eat what and when you like, he'll have to take equal leave for DC school holidays. Be free of this absolute bag of dicks. And in the meantime, stop cooking and doing stuff for him. Check out. Honestly I don't dole out LTB often but in this situ I really would!

So sorry to hear that your partner is so unsupportive and that things are so difficult at home. You also sound trapped in your relationship.

Could it be that he hasn't come to terms with becoming a parent and to living family life? Hence he's trying to avoid it by coming home late and using his downtime and annual leave to escape on his own.

What he may not realise is that you get out what you put into relationships, and while he continues to evade co-parenting and spending quality time with you and as a family then he will continue to find it difficult and unfulfilling at home. Ultimately he's missing out on something great with you and the kids, but perhaps he doesn't see that?

My partner also has a stressful job with lots of travel, and I too manage pretty much everything about our life. It does cause problems, don't get me wrong, but he does as much as he can with our two girls when he can because he genuinely enjoys spending time with them. Family time does actually help him switch off from work.

What are the two of you like at communicating? Is there an opportunity for you to really talk and listen to each other about how you both feel about your situation, without it turning into an argument? Just try and understand where you're both coming from first of all.

Could a practical step be to try and book in a family fun day once a month to have some positive shared experiences together, and if you can afford a babysitter every so often, an evening out for the two of you on a regular basis?

Let us know your thoughts and how you get on!

Dear God, does he think it's still the 1950s!?!??

He sounds unbearable.

Leaving is always an option. Yes you can do this alone. He will need to pay maintenance.

I don’t understand why you can’t leave him - you’re married and he owes the children support if you leave.

He’s a disgusting pig.

He will need to pay maintenance.

he doesn't earn very well (19k). It would be peanuts.

£19k for a long hours stressful job with commute??? If theres no progression he needs to job hunt.

Check out entitled too. Being single with every other weekend off is easier than being with someone who drains the life from you

That indicates you may well be better off without him and his hobby. I think you should work out your finances. Don’t assume this life is it or all that there is.

Are you sure that’s what he earns? Long commute, frequent travel? Doesn’t usually go with a 19k a year job, could he be hiding his earnings .

Oh and he’s an utter cockwomble,

we have a big mortgage. I could not pay that alone and government made chances so now won't help with the interest - instead you have to take out a loan to cover the mortgage which would just put me deeper in shit as I have no earning potential to work myself out of this mess.

I got benefit advice a while ago and I was told I would not get housing benefit for longer than 6 months as I am classed as a homeowner and I would need to sell the house (won't be happening as DH would not agree). But I cannot rent privately either as I don't pass the affordability check (never mind being able to afford it). I just feel stuck between a rock and a hard stone.

Home is also close to both schools - if we move away from SS, DS1 might not get transport from the LA as we put ourselves into this position rather than living miles from the SS from the beginning. SEN team the onus to make sure DS1 attends school would be on us in that case and I have no idea how to handle this. DS2 could just change school but not DS1 (has an EHCP) .

It's just such a big mess.

Are you sure that’s what he earns?

yes, his payslips come home in the post.

Fuck that.
Even if I couldn’t afford to leave (btw: you go to court and force the house sale - he doesn’t get to say no) I’d certainly be changing the way I dealt with him:

• not your problem if he wants more sex, he’s an arsehole treating you like shit, so why have sex with him at all?
• doesn’t like your cooking? Whatever. Let that go in one ear and out of the other.
• wants dinner on the table? He can go and make his own

Just re-read he’s taking FOUR WEEKS annual leave on his own?
I’m not talking about withholding sex as a punishment, I’m just wondering why there is any part of you that can like him enough to want sex with him?
I’m sorry you’re in this position. Keep exploring the finances - including forced house sale.