is it me or him?

[meorhim20]

Married, 2 DS (7 & 12 - older one has severe LD/Autism).

DH has a very stressful job, long commute, frequent travel. He says I am not supportive enough. We had a huge argument yesterday cause the dinner was not on the table when he came home. We also argue because he needs 'space' to wind down after work and during the weekend. He spends his weekends sleeping or doing a hobby. Whilst I want him to help at home and with the DC.

I should say that I work Monday - Friday during school hours (but regular office job - I don't have time off during the school hols). I do 20 school runs every week (DS1 to primary and DS2 to SS secondary - both luckily within 1 mile from home). I also do the household (95%) as DH leaves early in the morning and comes back usually only after 7. DH uses his annual leave for a hobby where he goes away for 2 weeks twice a year alone) so I need to use all my AL + unpaid leave to cover school hols (+ the off day in an SN include holiday club). I have absolutely zero down time (and no family, so no support).

We are constantly arguing. He expects 'more' off me. Food is not on the table regularly when he comes home or his dislikes what I cook. He want me to attend a cooking course (when I would do that is beyond me though). House is not clean enough for him. I don't have enough time to clean and he won't allow me to get a cleaner (he is extremely tight, my PT job would not stretch to afford a cleaner), I don't want sex frequently enough, etc. He has a point. I have zero sex drive, the house is a tip but I am doing my best. I cry most days because I am so exhausted. DS1 is also an awful sleeper and I do the night wakings mostly.

I know DH has a very stressful job but honestly, I have nothing left to give.

I think the main issue is that he feels resentful. He says I trapped him into this life with the DC. He says I gave him 'that kid' (meaning DS1) which really turned our life upside down. I wanted DC more than he did. So he thinks I should suck it all up and that I should be grateful for him going to work and providing for the DC even though I trapped him into this life.

Life is just unbearable. I don't event know what I am asking.

I feel I cannot see the wood for the trees and need some input as to how to untangle this mess.

Also, leaving is not an option financially (it's complicated).

we have a big mortgage

Force house sale then downsize to a smaller mortgage. He doesn't get to refuse. The house is a joint asset.

I have no earning potential to work myself out of this mess

Why not? You're already working.

£19k for a really stressful job with long commute and frequent travel? He's not exactly a high flier. What's so stressful about it?

Sounds like he places more importance on his hobby than you.

Please work out your finances. There will be a way to do this. Don't use it as an excuse to stay put and be treated like a skivvy. You deserve better.

How is his job stressful with loads of travel earning £19k? How is your mortgage ‘big’ with earnings so low?

There’s clearly more to this.

For £19k I too would really question whether he needs to be working such long hours and experiencing so much stress.... Is he using this as an excuse to be away from home and not do his share?

I think you need to ask yourself:

1. Do you love him?
2. Putting your worries about being able to leave aside for a moment, do you want to make it work with him?

If no, then as the other people here have said, you can find a way to make a happier life for yourself and your children. Consider finding a counsellor or life coach specialising in relationships to help you devise a plan and have the confidence that you need in yourself to do what's right for you.

If yes, then I'd suggest that you need to ask your husband the same questions. If you both want it to work then it's going to require time and effort on both parts, so again, you may want to try and get some help with this.

Good luck.

I think your OH is full of $hit to be honest.

Generally speaking, with the odd exception, stress and hours go hand in hand with salary levels. It doesn't make sense otherwise, why would people let work impact on their life so much for crap money?

So for £19k, I really can't imagine your OH is under that much pressure or having to do crazy hours. And if he is, he's a fool - he should be looking round for other jobs.

If you're convinced he's not lying about his wage, then I suspect he's lying about the stress and/or hours, and greatly exaggerating things. This is all to reinforce his 'need' for you to do lots and his 'need' for substantial time to himself. Let's face it, if he had an unstressed job and normal hours, he would be expected to do his share at home.

He's taking you for a mug, and only you can change it. There is absolutely no incentive for him to change things - he's having it nice and cosy as it is - so only you have the power to actually say no. What's the worst that can happen? Stop being a doormat for him.

I'd leave him. For now, I wouldn't cook a crumb for him. He's a cunt. I'd stop doing anything for him. Sex? I'd rather sew it shut than shag an arsehole like him.

£19k for a really stressful job with long commute and frequent travel? He's not exactly a high flier. What's so stressful about it?

his is not a high flyer. he got a shit job, trust me.

big mortgage is relative of course but a lot compared to our earnings. took it out before DC - we didn't know DS1 would have complex SN which would seriously effect our salaries (well, mine).

My ex was like this.

I gave and gave and gave and gave.

Until one day, I realised I was so fucking unhappy and had completely lost myself. I didn't know who I was anymore and I just wanted to be free.

I left him.

I have never been happier in my life than I am now.

It's totally up to you but it sounds like you do everything anyway and life would be easier and simpler without him demanding things off you.

Shared custody. You get some downtime. Ideal.

You are running yourself into the ground because of his additional requirements and pressure he places on you.

He sounds bloody awful.

Go. Be free. 😂

"Home is also close to both schools - if we move away from SS, DS1 might not get transport from the LA as we put ourselves into this position rather than living miles from the SS from the beginning".

I would be speaking to IPSEA about this point and seek their advice on this matter. Does he get transport provided by the LEA now. Also the EHCP would move with him if his address changed.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Your DH is not your jailer here although he is very much acting like it. This is not and should not be your mere lot in life; both you and your kids for that matter deserve far better than the misery he brings down upon you and in turn them. No obstacle is insurmountable here; he just wants you to believe that it is.

Do you have equity in your home? As far as im aware as long as your share is less than 16k you would qualify for housing benefit if you left. You could then make an application to sell the property through court or for you to be taken off the title deeds. (If he could remortgage to pay you out) Go and get a free half hour legal consultation to find out your full position. Im sure you would be able to manage financially on your own. I work part time with 3dcs (currently on mat leave till monday eek) and we manage pretty well. He sounds like my exh nothing will ever be good enough hes dragging you down and your losing all self confidence and self esteem. It would ne easier practically on your own your already doing it but hes treating you like crap. Remove him from the equation and life will be easier. I feel for you OP but life is too short to live like this.

Does he get transport provided by the LEA now. Also the EHCP would move with him if his address changed.

no transport but only cause the school is close by and it is easy for me to collect and drop off. Otherwise it would have to be taxi + chaperone.

good point about IPSEA. forgot about them

Oh my God OP, you are already on your own.
You work Mon-Fri, do all of the drop offs/pick ups and most of the housework. And he complain about what you do!
If you're on your own at least you'll have some peace of mind in your own house. And where is the money coming from to support his hobby and holidays on his own? Maybe he needs to use that to get a cleaner that's up to his high standards.
As it's been said before, he doesn't get to decide what happens to the house. Look at your options. In the meantime he can cook his bloody food and do his own tidying up!

Dear god your 'D'H is utterly vile (not envy). The way he speaks about your DS is disgusting and the way he treats you is shameful.

OP I think you need to go and get some professional advice about where you actually stand and what you would be entitled to if you left (or kicked your bag of shit H to the kerb). Speak to a solicitor (free 30min session), speak to someone about benefits and what you would receive if you were a single parent (which you effectively are anyway). Find out the facts and then go from there. You might find you'll be a lot better off than you expect. As PP have said, he can't stop the sale of the house, it can be court ordered. Just because he says something doesn't make it so! You have to stop believing everything he says (his work is stressful - bullshit! Managing 2 DC's, one with SN, while working which is what YOU are doing is stressful. His commute is sooooo long. Is it really? Have you checked google maps to see if it is actually as far away as he says it is or is he just taking extra time out of the house so he has another excuse to not pull his weight around the home and with the kids?) You could downsize, get a nice place of your own, have a happy & stress free home environment without this bully bringing you nothing but stress and dismay.

In the mean time, while you're getting those ducks in a row, stop doing anything for this pathetic man child. He wants his dinner when he gets home? He can cook it himself. He wants the house to be cleaner and tidier than it is? He can do some cleaning himself. Does he think he doesn't contribute to any of the mess in the house and should have a (free) cook and maid following around after him taking care of all the scut work? As for having sex, well he can literally go fuck himself. How he thinks you could possibly want to be intimate with him when he behaves so appallingly is beyond me.

& for you. You sound like an amazing mum and a superwoman.

What a horrible man and what a horrible situation to be in.
I can't offer any advice but I am desperately hoping that at some point in 2019 a great opportunity or job or unexpected bit of luck finds you.
Then you, your dc and a removal van can head off into a lovely sunset.
Leaving behind a note with the phone numbers of the local cleaner and COOK.com
Good luck x x

It depresses me when people say the cannot afford to leave. That is what the benefits system is for . It won’t be easy but it has to be better than this apology for a life . You are more or less a single parent now so why not make it official ? You say finances are.complicated but are you sure your H is only earning £19k ? Given the commute etc it seems very little . Also , do your receive DLA for your DC with SN ?

what is all that crap about hobbies and using his al for his hobby? it sounds like he has zero respect for you or dc youd be better off alone