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Original poster

Infatuated with other man while married

30 replies

HoldMyBeer89 · 20/02/2019 23:41

I have a dilemma and think I've already read every single article on Google that relates to my situation.

I've been with DH for 8 years (married for 5) and he is loving, attentive and puts all his effort and attention on me.

The horrible thing is I've fallen into an intense infatuation with another man.

DH and I met this man (calling him Paul) about a year ago when we started renting his place (he's our landlord), and I was smitten from day one. Actually, we both were. Paul is very worldly, engaging and well-liked in the neighbourhood.

I don't know what got into me as he's not the type I was every usually attracted to physically, but I completely lost myself. Paul became friends with us and we see him every two weeks or so, and he introduced us to lots of new friends in the area.

My infatuation and obsession kept growing (I was even writing poetry and taking stupid match quizzes like a teenager) until it affected my marriage. I became distant and DH knew something was up. I confided in a friend who said it's normal to have crushes and to speak to DH.

Well, I did confess my crush to my DH which I think was a mistake. I ended up bursting into tears and he was devastated. I started working harder on our marriage, going on date nights, trying to have sex more and stopped talking to Paul. But we still saw he with mutual friends.

After a few months, Paul rang me to say hello and I told DH. I did lie and say the feelings were not there anymore (I couldn't hurt him again) and he said sorry for overreacting and not to worry about me spending time with Paul.

I guess my question is, has anyone been in this situation and long does it last? I've read that infatuation usually fizzles out after a few months but my mind is completely focused on Paul that it's affecting my work, life and other relationships, not just my marriage. All I do is talk to him and when my phone rings, I feel crushed if it's from anyone else but him. When he does text or call I'm on a high for days.

I should maybe note that DH and I don't have children but have been trying to conceive for 4 years (unexplained infertility). It has definitely affected our sex life over the years and we hardly do it although he tries to initiate a lot.

I am a total mess and have been for far too long. The worst part was hurting DH but I know I'm alone in this now because I could never tell him those feelings are still there. Sorry for rambling Sad

OP posts:
FranklyMyDear69 · 21/02/2019 00:24

Are you and Paul friends? Do you chat to him much? Do you think you might be in love with him? Do you think Paul is atrracted to you? What do you ideally want to happen?

Original poster
HoldMyBeer89 · 21/02/2019 00:34

@FranklyMyDear69

Thanks, sorry should've put more info in my OP:

  • we are friends, probably more so with him now than DH is
  • we chat on the phone sometimes and catch up (with DH there) every fortnight or so
  • I love my DH and I'm certain it's just a very deep infatuation. But honestly I don't know, I've never felt this intensely about anyone before
  • I think Paul is attracted to me based on him complimenting my looks and being a bit flirty sometimes after a few drinks
  • Ideally I would like to get over these feelings and have then invested into my DH.
OP posts:
Original poster
HoldMyBeer89 · 21/02/2019 00:36

Paul has a girlfriend too, they've been together only a few months. He seems to have had a lot of short-term flings in the past.

DH is 34, I'm 29, Paul is 47.

OP posts:
Original poster
HoldMyBeer89 · 21/02/2019 00:41

Sorry just saw a typo in the OP:

All I do is talk to him and when my phone rings,

should be

All I do is find excuses to talk about him and when my phone rings,

OP posts:
RiversDisguise · 21/02/2019 01:38

Paul sounds like a knobend tbh

Original poster
HoldMyBeer89 · 21/02/2019 01:47

@RiversDisguise **

I don't think he is but that would certainly make things easier I'm sure!

OP posts:
LuckyLou7 · 21/02/2019 01:58

He's an older man, preening himself at getting attention from a woman in her 20s. He's not a nice man. I bet any money he knows full well the extent of your infatuation and is loving it. Stop socialising with him. Concentrate on your marriage - if your not having regular sex, you won't get pregnant. This man is almost 20 years older and if your marriage failed he'd probably run a mile.

pissedonatrain · 21/02/2019 02:08

You are 100% in control of this. It's called being a grown up. You made vows to your DH. Follow them. You manage to follow rules every day. Just cut off the friendship completely and focus on your husband.

Paul isn't a nice man at all.

Wouldyouorshouldyou · 21/02/2019 02:10

He knows exactly what he's doing! Don't be his puppet. He doesn't sound like a good person.

TearingUpMyHeart · 21/02/2019 02:39

Crushes are completely normal and I think you did the right thing telling your partner, but now you need to cut Paul out of your life if you want to prioritise your marriage. The crush won't fade if you keep contact. For sure this guy knows and enjoys the ego boost, and for a normal flirtation, fine, but this is obsessive on your part so you need to step back.

Original poster
HoldMyBeer89 · 21/02/2019 02:41

Thanks all. I know I should start keeping my distance again like I did when DH and I first talked about it.

I will try to focus all my energy and attention on DH and starting a family.

It was so hard trying actively to get pregnant every month and getting disappointed over and over, I've been so afraid to go back to that torment again.

I think maybe my brain's created this powerful distraction to ease the pain our our infertility. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
HoldMyBeer89 · 21/02/2019 02:44

@TearingUpMyHeart

I just saw your message, thanks for saying all that.

I know you're right and I do need to cut as much contact as I can with him.

He does come around a lot for property maintenance and we have a lot of mutual friends, but I think I can avoid it a bit more. I admit when we're together my brain goes into a spin and I just want to be around him.

It does feel like a horrible addiction.

OP posts:
thecatsarecrazy · 21/02/2019 18:42

Something will click eventually op. I became obsessed with another man. I don't know why it started I knew him as kind of a friend then i developed feelings. My time was taken up by him for months. I ruined a short holiday with dh and my 3 boys by talking to him all the time on f.b. I was addicted. I saw him last week when I was in town with my son and I felt completely different. We had a chat before about him looking for a g.f and any flirty behavior stopping and im fine with that now. He asked me earlier if I miss him and honest answer is no. I just avoided the question.

Cuddlysnowleopard · 21/02/2019 18:46

It's a crush, it's awful when you're in the middle of it. In my experience, it will calm down, but it takes time. I spent a huge amount of time at the gym, to be honest, trying to run it off.

GiverTaker12 · 21/02/2019 19:17

I know the feeling. It is very intense. I felt like this with a colleague on the first day they started at our workplace. Total lust at jest sight and as I got to know them the infatuation became worse. It was two sided too which made it 10 times worse. I felt an electricity run through my body when in this persons proximity. This went on for a year or so and then they decided to leave. The feelings went within 2 week. You have to cut contact though.

ConfCall · 21/02/2019 20:12

Cut contact with this ageing player. It's the only way.

Orange6904 · 21/02/2019 20:13

Tell your brain to focus really hard on something else.

Also you won't be the only one that Paul flirts with.

Original poster
HoldMyBeer89 · 21/02/2019 22:12

*@GiverTaker12 *

Ty so much for sharing Flowers that gives me a lot of hope knowing it went away after 2 weeks. Yep, planning on cutting contact and see how it goes.

I also love the idea of throwing myself into a rigorous workout regime.

@thecatsarecrazy

I can totally imagine myself doing the exact same thing re ruining the holiday.

So helpful to hear these responses MNers - thank you.

OP posts:
Alondonleerie · 21/02/2019 22:21

As long as you are still hiding things from dh, you are still behaving inappropriately, and making excuses. You'll find it easier (and more authentic in giving your marriage the attention it deserves) to keep on the straight and narrow if dh is fully aware of everything, no matter how hurtful you think it is. He would want to know the truth, I am sure.
Bottom line is - if you are still capable of making excuses for hiding things now, you will make further excuses for other behaviour in the future. I'm going through the continued fallout of a dh who thought exactly this, and it's infinitely more messed up (more situations evolved) and difficult to come to terms with than if he'd just been honest at the start. You want him to be able to trust you? Act in a trustworthy manner.

ladamanera · 21/02/2019 22:28

I love how honest you were with your husband, but honesty while the situation keeps going puts him and you under unbearable attain. If you like your marriage get a new landlord. If you like your landlord you may find yourself with a new husband.

ladamanera · 21/02/2019 22:29

strain

Original poster
HoldMyBeer89 · 21/02/2019 22:31

thank you

I just don't see the point in confessing again to DH that I still have feelings for this guy. I feel like it's more selfish to offload this information onto him again and tear open the wound.

I just don't see the point tbh.

OP posts:
ladamanera · 21/02/2019 22:31

The poster above are right that it may subside for you, in time- but dont make your husband wait that uncertainty out. That would tweak your previous honesty into vanity and that’s not fair. Its only a rental. There are loads. Show your husband that you love him and fuck off out of this crush (unless you want to leave, in which case take this as a sign of that and make plans to do so)

ladamanera · 21/02/2019 22:34

In hindsight we look back on things like crushes - and the way they affect our relationships- with more significance than we want to admit at the time. Right now, your husband (that you have been honest and healthy with) has to (with you) pay money to a man that is a sexual/romantic threat every month. Little by little that wrodes happiness in living there. Why dont you comfort him by suggesting you change residences? If you dont want to, there may be more thinking ahead about why you feel unhappy. Wishing you luck and wisdom xx

Original poster
HoldMyBeer89 · 21/02/2019 22:36

Appreciate the feedback. It's not just a rental though, we're renting a large farm and have a lot of long-term business commitments here. Also, DH loves it here and has made a lot of good friends (we both have). I don't want to tear him out of our new life because of this.

OP posts:
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