Infatuated with other man while married

[HoldMyBeer89]

I have a dilemma and think I've already read every single article on Google that relates to my situation.

I've been with DH for 8 years (married for 5) and he is loving, attentive and puts all his effort and attention on me.

The horrible thing is I've fallen into an intense infatuation with another man.

DH and I met this man (calling him Paul) about a year ago when we started renting his place (he's our landlord), and I was smitten from day one. Actually, we both were. Paul is very worldly, engaging and well-liked in the neighbourhood.

I don't know what got into me as he's not the type I was every usually attracted to physically, but I completely lost myself. Paul became friends with us and we see him every two weeks or so, and he introduced us to lots of new friends in the area.

My infatuation and obsession kept growing (I was even writing poetry and taking stupid match quizzes like a teenager) until it affected my marriage. I became distant and DH knew something was up. I confided in a friend who said it's normal to have crushes and to speak to DH.

Well, I did confess my crush to my DH which I think was a mistake. I ended up bursting into tears and he was devastated. I started working harder on our marriage, going on date nights, trying to have sex more and stopped talking to Paul. But we still saw he with mutual friends.

After a few months, Paul rang me to say hello and I told DH. I did lie and say the feelings were not there anymore (I couldn't hurt him again) and he said sorry for overreacting and not to worry about me spending time with Paul.

I guess my question is, has anyone been in this situation and long does it last? I've read that infatuation usually fizzles out after a few months but my mind is completely focused on Paul that it's affecting my work, life and other relationships, not just my marriage. All I do is talk to him and when my phone rings, I feel crushed if it's from anyone else but him. When he does text or call I'm on a high for days.

I should maybe note that DH and I don't have children but have been trying to conceive for 4 years (unexplained infertility). It has definitely affected our sex life over the years and we hardly do it although he tries to initiate a lot.

I am a total mess and have been for far too long. The worst part was hurting DH but I know I'm alone in this now because I could never tell him those feelings are still there. Sorry for rambling

Thank you. Like I said in PP though moving is not an option after everything we've built here.

I don't think DH feels like he's paying money to this guy who's a threat since it is money from my single income salary while we get our business on its feet. I understand that it would feel awkward if this was the case though.

DH and Paul still talk and are on friendly terms (took a while after my confession). DH did get frustrated about Paul's flirting but now believes he had a skewed view of things back then. He may be right and Paul may not be flirting at all (might also be a fiction created in my head).

It sounds like limerance more than infatuation. Google it and try to see if there is any advice online about moving on. Hope this helps.

Youre feeding it by posting about it and talking to him on the phone.
I totally get it. Sexual chemistry is a powerful thing!! Buut he's a fantasy pure and simple, he might be awful in the sack, or pick his nose and wipe bogies on his bed, he might be shagging half the village and have every sti you can think of. Maybe he has foul body odour in the mornings
.. point being, he's human. Not a sex god

limerance is the word I was trying to look for (came across it on another MN thread). Thank you - yes all signs point to that.

Ah I suppose you're right @Stuckandsad I should quit talking about it and checking for replies on here. But it feels good to get it off my chest and know that other people have overcome it.

good imagery!!

I just don't see the point in confessing again to DH that I still have feelings for this guy. I feel like it's more selfish to offload this information onto him again and tear open the wound.

So you think it's ok to let him think everything is fine while you continue to lust after another man? It's not being honest with him, is it? If something happens with Paul and dh finds out, this will hurt him. If nothing happens and he finds out, this will hurt him. If nothing happens and he doesn't find out, you'll have been lying to him.
Do any of those sound like the actions of a caring spouse to you?