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Original poster

I don't want DP to go on stag?

46 replies

helpmeseesense · 20/02/2019 21:29

Please don’t be harsh, I know I’m being unreasonable but could really do with some words of wisdom.

My DP recently got back in touch with someone from school that I’ve never met and don’t even really know, he has barely mentioned him in our four years. This guy invited us to his wedding in America. After lots of thought and despite it financially really screwing us we decided to go (in 2 months) and make a holiday out of it. DP would have to take unpaid leave. To highlight the lack of closeness of this guy now the invite was addressed to “DP and guest”. I let this go as DP deleted Facebook about 6 months ago (following Cambridge analytica scandal)

Now this friend has messaged saying he’s going to have a UK stag in the city DP and I met where we both went to uni (DP graduated 5 years earlier).

Now before we met DP was a bit of a player in this city. Lack of willingness to commit following the breakdown of his first relationship and then in his next relationship wasn’t faithful. When I first met DP he told me about all this straight away but I didn’t care as I had come out of an abusive relationship and was only planning on hanging out with him a few times for fun. We ended up falling in love and here we are 300 miles from the city we met, moving into our second family home together with a puppy, engaged.

My concern is the stag being in that city and him running into one of these exes (has happened many times before when we lived there). Yes it’s big but they’re also going to the club/bars that we all went and where his past is. It makes me nervous. I mentioned this before the stag even came up. DP has been on lots of stags, often abroad and I have NEVER had an issue with it. I’m not usually controlling etc.

But I’m sat here in tears at the prospect. He’s been told 2 weeks in advance and it’s not even set in stone. I know it’s not his fault but I’m angry. If the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn’t contemplate going.

Please help me see sense.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 20/02/2019 21:32

Gosh, it seems you don't trust him. This is the issue, you have to ask yourself why not.

Of course he should go if he wishes, this is your issue, it shouldn't be his, but you need to understand why you're behaving like you are.

HennyPennyHorror · 20/02/2019 21:32

I mean this kindly but you're displaying an obvious lack of self confidence and exhibiting controlling behaviour.

It's not up to you where your partner goes...he is free to socialise as he chooses. Your insecurity is YOUR problem, not his.

You say DP was a bit of a player before you met...I guess you're both quite young? One incidence of being unfaithful as a younger man is not a reason to try to stop him from going out with friends.

NewMe2019 · 20/02/2019 21:33

Well you clearly don't trust him. So what if he does run into an ex. Doesn't mean he is going to shag them.

Bluntness100 · 20/02/2019 21:34

I wouldn’t contemplate going

Why ever not? Confused

NotTheFordType · 20/02/2019 21:39

OK. you've got 2 weeks to prep. How are you going to manage your (unfounded) anxiety whilst he's away?

Evening out with friends? Taking puppy for walks? Redecorating the walls?

Do NOT make him agree to texting you every 2 hours or similar, because then you're making him responsible for quelling your anxiety. That's not his job. It's your job.

Bluntness100 · 20/02/2019 21:45

I don't know why you're sitting crying either, I hope it's not to manipulate him into not going.

Tell him you're sorry, you're being unreasonable, of course he should be able to go to a stag night without emotional angst.

Then I think you need some time for self reflection on why you're behaving as you are, insecurity, controlling, anxiety, whatever it is, own it, don't try to make it his problem. It's not a fight you can ever win. Either he misses out and thoroughly resents you for your behaviour or he goes and goes with you in a state, both of which damage your relationship, or he goes with your happy wave off and you deal with your shit. I'd advise the last one.

PurpleDaisies · 20/02/2019 21:46

If you don’t trust him, why are you with him?
Confused

2019willbegreat · 20/02/2019 21:46

If he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat. Send him off on his merry way and make plans for yourself. Do not message him all night and look needy. In all honestly, when I was younger I loved going back to my old haunts and catching up with male and female friends.

Being in tears about it is extreme and makes you look needy which is not a good look. Be happy for him to have fun , have your own fun and he will love you all the more for it.

Moralitym1n1 · 20/02/2019 22:25

No offense but if you're so scared he's going to cheat with one of his exes if he meets them out in this city, then you must at heart think he's a cheater and can't be trusted (?)

Presumably based on him having been a player and having cheated in a past relationship.

Should you really be getting into further commitment with him if you feel you can't trust him around exes or at all?

Moralitym1n1 · 20/02/2019 22:30

(To be honest I also see a flaw in your thinking that he's more likely to cheat if he meets an ex - surely if he's a cheater and he's halfway attractive/has a bit of charm/game etc, he'd be just as likely to cheat in any other place (alright there may be less opportunity but not necessarily,bit just depends who you run into on the night and what transpires). Or he'd be just as likely to cheat with sex workers ( who unfortunately sometimes feature on stag dos and lads hols); no looks/charm/game necessary.)

Moralitym1n1 · 20/02/2019 22:32

If there are genuine reasons and/or instincts you have about him and that's why you feel you can't trust him, perhaps you should listen to them instead of planning a wedding.

Original poster
helpmeseesense · 20/02/2019 22:34

Sorry - I don't actually think he will cheat I'm only concerned of running into an ex - makes me uncomfortable. Worries me. I don't know why.

Not mentioned my anxiety/sadness to DP since he found out which is why I came on here to talk it out.

As I've said, he goes on plenty of stags - no issue. Nights out - no issues. He's going on a lads holiday next month - no issues

I'd really just like help talking through why I'm anxious about this specific thing. First time it's happened and I'm really confused

OP posts:
ConfCall · 20/02/2019 22:34

Your behaviour will break you up OP, not his non-existent infidelity. Be careful.

Parthenope · 20/02/2019 22:42

What on earth are you 'angry' about, though? Your partner has done nothing wrong, and you say you both decided to attend the wedding, even though you seem to be irrationally annoyed that the invitation didn't invite you by name, despite the fact you've never met the groom...?

If you can't trust the man you love enough to have agreed to marry, who's never given you any cause for concern, to go on a stag weekend to a place where you were both students in case the sight of the same pubs or an encounter with an ex tempts him into infidelity, then that's really your issue.

Bluntness100 · 21/02/2019 07:16

Op, if you wish to talk about it more then you need to take the lead. So far you've said your snxious, sad, confused, nervous, angry and that you wouldn't contemplate going. We can't guess as to why.

It's irrational, he's clearly should be allowed to go out with his mates, and if he bumps into an ex so what.

If you wish people to help you. Then you need to at least try to explain your thought processes. Are you worried he will prefer them to you?

NameChangeNugget · 21/02/2019 07:46

Your irrational thinking, is going to drive a wedge between you.

There is incredibly needy & then there is this.

MsSquiz · 21/02/2019 07:53

If you don't think he will cheat, what's the problem if he does bump into an ex?

Springwalk · 21/02/2019 07:55

Do you still know uni friends there?
I would go for a girls night out on the same evening, and meet dp bank at the hotel at the end of the evening, it is 300 miles away so he will need to stay there. You could organise your own night out.

This man has come into your lives, you don’t know him. I wouldn’t have agreed to the wedding in America in the first place. I think for you he signifies your dps days of youth and perhaps you are concerned about him being a bad influence?

You have your happy life with dp and perhaps feel his old life and friends will ruin things.

I would talk to dp. Plan your own night out. Trust him. Vow not to agree to strangers overseas weddings again!

FinallyHere · 21/02/2019 08:00

People do not cheat just because they happen to run into an ex, or for any other circumstantial reason. Cheaters cheat.

Is your partner a cheater?

If not, by all means have a conversation about how you are feeling, especially if you can present it as something you know is irrational, but, please no tears and neediness.

cakecakecheese · 21/02/2019 08:01

Perhaps part of you thinks if he goes back to where he used to be a 'player' he'll get nostalgic about old times and reassess his life with you? Which is clearly not true, he's with you and your puppy because he wants to be.

Shoxfordian · 21/02/2019 08:08

Find something to do to distract yourself that weekend whilst he's away.

Karigan195 · 21/02/2019 08:11

Sorry but that is pretty controlling. Rationalise it. It didn’t work out with them for good reason. He chose to be with you. If you try to stop this you are basically saying you don’t trust him and it’ll spur the relationship and make you look a bit nuts.

LemonTT · 21/02/2019 08:19

Please don’t even consider following him there.

As Bluntness said there has to be more to it than this. If not and you are in that much distress go see a doctor.

From the back story if I had to guess at anything you have control issues and your Boyfriend is starting to act independently and others are gaining influence on him. People from his past. It’s not what he is doing it is the fact that you have no influence over it. And really you shouldn’t be questioning him going to a wedding or a stag. Maybe the money but then don’t tag along and let him pay for it himself.

notacooldad · 21/02/2019 08:28

But I’m sat here in tears at the prospect. He’s been told 2 weeks in advance and it’s not even set in stone. I know it’s not his fault but I’m angry. If the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn’t contemplate going
If my partner was crying at the thought if me going on this night out I would be extremely pissed off. It would make me more determined to go because I would be bothered that everytime they didn't want me to do something they would start crying and try to emotionally manipulate me to be honest.

I would question the relationship because I want to be with an adult not someone who squarks to get her own way. I don't want to be with some one who didn't trust me.

One other thing I think,if I was your Dp I wouldn't be reassuring, or coaxing you that everything is fine. I feel that would just pander to your ego and you would expect it everytime when' it's a night out and it didn't suit you. I don't want drama about it.
I would never swear at my partner but my private thought would be ' get off my back and grow the fuck up'

Fortunately for me I have a partner who 'allows' me to be friendly with exes and doesn't think I'll run of for a shag when I see them in 'spoons or somewhere! ( and vice versa)

Original poster
helpmeseesense · 21/02/2019 10:00

I really don't know how to explain the emotion I feel - it's irrational fear.

His actual exes would rather burn themselves alive than see him again. I know they hate him.

I think it's because when we lived in the city, the amount of times we'd go for lunch, leave and then he'd go "just so you know I've got with her".
I could handle it when I was there, but I can imagine getting the text "btw xyz is here" and it making me feel shit.

I'd never follow him there, I've planned a girls night for the same night.

He doesn't know I'm upset or angry, I took myself to another room and I've not mentioned it.

If the stag had been in another city I'd have said "that's cool". I've never been upset by a stag, night out, etc before

OP posts:
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