Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I don't want DP to go on stag?

46 replies

helpmeseesense · 20/02/2019 21:29

Please don’t be harsh, I know I’m being unreasonable but could really do with some words of wisdom.

My DP recently got back in touch with someone from school that I’ve never met and don’t even really know, he has barely mentioned him in our four years. This guy invited us to his wedding in America. After lots of thought and despite it financially really screwing us we decided to go (in 2 months) and make a holiday out of it. DP would have to take unpaid leave. To highlight the lack of closeness of this guy now the invite was addressed to “DP and guest”. I let this go as DP deleted Facebook about 6 months ago (following Cambridge analytica scandal)

Now this friend has messaged saying he’s going to have a UK stag in the city DP and I met where we both went to uni (DP graduated 5 years earlier).

Now before we met DP was a bit of a player in this city. Lack of willingness to commit following the breakdown of his first relationship and then in his next relationship wasn’t faithful. When I first met DP he told me about all this straight away but I didn’t care as I had come out of an abusive relationship and was only planning on hanging out with him a few times for fun. We ended up falling in love and here we are 300 miles from the city we met, moving into our second family home together with a puppy, engaged.

My concern is the stag being in that city and him running into one of these exes (has happened many times before when we lived there). Yes it’s big but they’re also going to the club/bars that we all went and where his past is. It makes me nervous. I mentioned this before the stag even came up. DP has been on lots of stags, often abroad and I have NEVER had an issue with it. I’m not usually controlling etc.

But I’m sat here in tears at the prospect. He’s been told 2 weeks in advance and it’s not even set in stone. I know it’s not his fault but I’m angry. If the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn’t contemplate going.

Please help me see sense.

OP posts:

Parthenope · 21/02/2019 10:07

Well, you know your violent response is irrational and groundless, so you treat it like any other irrational feeling -- just don't give it headspace, shut it down when it occurs to you, don't let it dictate your actions. You can't rewrite your partner's past, but it sounds as if you would benefit talking through your feelings about it with either a trusted friend or a decent counsellor.

FinallyHere · 21/02/2019 13:07

Wait, what does this mean?

we'd go for lunch, leave and then he'd go "just so you know I've got with her".

He would point out his exes to you, just out of the blue? And there were legions if 'em?

Who does that?

crappyday2018 · 21/02/2019 13:17

we'd go for lunch, leave and then he'd go "just so you know I've got with her

That is grim.

Moralitym1n1 · 21/02/2019 13:28

I think it's because when we lived in the city, the amount of times we'd go for lunch, leave and then he'd go "just so you know I've got with her".
I could handle it when I was there, but I can imagine getting the text "btw xyz is here" and it making me feel shit.

I find both those things s bit weird.

Is he doing it because he believes in (or you two agreed) "full disclosure" for some reason?

Moralitym1n1 · 21/02/2019 13:29

I don't really get why he'd need to do that, especially a text now/on the stag do if he one of his exes was around.

Sparkletastic · 21/02/2019 13:33

Why did he feel the need to point out all his conquests to you? Would he really text you to say that someone he once shagged was in the bar? If so it's not your anxiety that's the issue - it's the fact that he's a complete wankbadger.

Slowknitter · 21/02/2019 13:40

I know it’s not his fault but I’m angry. If the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn’t contemplate going.

Why wouldn't you? Why should he not be contemplating going? He has done nothing wrong, and presumably he has no intention if doing anything wrong. You can't ban him from going anywhere where he might bump into exes!

DarklyDreamingDexter · 21/02/2019 13:54

Come on, OP, the chances of him running into one of his exes or other former flames in a big city after several years are remote! The chances are these women will have moved on in life too. They will probably be in steady relationships or married, probably some with kids. Most of them are not going to be still hanging around in the bars and nightclubs, pining for your husband and waiting for him to turn up so they can show him what he's missing! Unless you have real reasons not to trust him, just going to his old stomping ground should not be a reason for you to worry. When he gets there, he will probably feel like the oldest swinger in town as all the clubbers will be late teens and early 20s. That's what usually happens when you go back to old haunts after 5-10 years.

HundredMilesAnHour · 21/02/2019 14:25

I think it's because when we lived in the city, the amount of times we'd go for lunch, leave and then he'd go "just so you know I've got with her".

I think him making these comments is in extremely bad taste. It almost sounds like he was bragging to you. It certainly doesn't sound healthy. Did he think he's some huge catch and you were lucky to have him? Were you insecure/anxious before he started making these comments?

I don't think your upset reaction to this stag weekend is normal OP. Nor your weird reaction to being invited to the wedding as +1. There are definitely some issues at play here. I'm wondering if you were vulnerable after getting out of your previous abusive relationship and without meaning to you've ended up involved with a bit of a dick? Or you still have some issues you need to work through before you can even consider if you're actually in a healthy relationship now? Maybe your DP is actually a solid guy (apart from the "I've got with her" comments) but I think you need to get some help to work on your self-esteem and other emotional baggage you seem to be carrying or you will continue to be unhappy. Life is too short to be so miserable. Get some talking therapy rather than locking yourself away in your bedroom trying to hide how upset you are.

crappyday2018 · 21/02/2019 14:41

In retrospect, its no wonder you feel anxious and insecure. Sounds like he's made you like this.

PinkHeart5914 · 21/02/2019 14:49

Your sitting crying? Are you generally so over dramatic?

Yes your being rather daft really

Not sure why bumping in to an ex would be an issue? She’s an ex, most adults have an ex and his now in a new relationship So..... no I still can’t see the issue

thedevilinablackdress · 21/02/2019 14:56

I now understand a little why you have reacted like this.
It's his previous behaviour of showing off his past 'conquests' to you. What's that about??
If he were to text you to say someone was in the same bar, I'd just reply 'And?'

Moneys2Tight2Mention · 21/02/2019 15:46

I think you're getting a bit of unnecessary stick here OP. Yes your behaviour is abnormal, I think you already know that, but it isn't completely unwarranted.

It does sound like he's previously tried to wind you up/make you jealous by mentioning that he has "got with" other women that you've bumped into and is now complaining that you are understandably a little insecure! If my (ex!) DP had mentioned anything like that I'd have told him where to go then and there. Completely unnecessary/disrespectful. I guess his excuse is "he's just being honest/transparant" - no he's being a dick and showing off.

I'd have probably turned around at the time and said "oh yes, that bloke at the bar - I sucked his cock once!" and see how he liked it.

notacooldad · 21/02/2019 15:52

It does sound like he's previously tried to wind you up/make you jealous by mentioning that he has "got with" other women that you've bumped into and is now complaining that you are understandably a little insecure
To be fair I overlooked this comment when I replied.
Personally I think that should have been nipped in the bud a long time ago and old Casanova should have been told to keep his gob shut about conquests. Theres no reason why you cant tell him next time though.
I replied how I would feel if someone did the cryng and not wanting me to go on a do in my old town

Nesssie · 21/02/2019 16:03

Honestly, if he cheats, he cheats. Probably best you let him go on the stag and see if he is the faithful loving husband you want/deserve, or if he is still a 'player'. At the end of the stag do, you'll know one way of another.

Alicatz66 · 21/02/2019 16:34

Try to remain strong and just lay him
Get on with it !!! Have a chat to us if you need to xx

Alicatz66 · 21/02/2019 16:34

Let!!!!!

notacooldad · 21/02/2019 16:41

poster Alicatz66
Fantastic typo!

Bluntness100 · 21/02/2019 16:45

That's a bit odd from his behaviour. I have to be honest, I am unsure why it's made you feel so insecure, I'd have been rather disdainful if my husband did that. And are you sure he was being honest? He could have been bullshitting about his conquests. To make you jealous and big himself up. He wouldn't be thr first arsehole who did that. Saw a woman they were acquanted with, or thought was attractive and claimed to have been with her, when it was bullshit.

Alicatz66 · 21/02/2019 16:45

Lord !!!! .... I know ... bloody typos !!!

Springwalk · 21/02/2019 16:52

This is him. He has made you feel insecure right from the beginning. Given his past I am not sure you are wrong not to trust him. I don’t think I would be especially trusting of a man who pointed out his past conquests either
Maybe the stag has brought to light this essential lack of trust.
Is he really your happy ending op? Or are you waiting for your turn to be cheated on? 💐💐 for you. Don’t cry, think about why you feel this way.

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread