What if you loved your other half but in the end their behaviour towards you was untenable, but having divorced them you realised that you would always love them

[why100000]

What then?

I don’t in any way regret my decision to instigate my divorce, because things had become so toxic that I did not know what else to do. I am 100% certain about this.

But I also know that that is it as far as I am concerned - there won’t be anyone else, and more and more I miss the oh my ex was during the first half of our marriage, and the part of us that got on, that was family, parents to the same children.

Anger and hurt propelled me through the divorce, but now there is just sadness.

How do I live with this?

I realise my heading sounds a bit pathetic. What happened is much more involved than that, but the main feeling now is one of intense disbelief, and awful sadness. Loneliness as well. Even though I was very lonely in my marriage.

The feelings of bitterness and hurt are terrible.

These decisions need to be made by the head rather than the heart. You have to protect yourself and your children
It is very hard and brings loads of regrets and what-ifs.
I have done it and it was heartbreaking and ended very sadly many years later.
I will never know now if I made the right decision

I am in the process of separating from my husband. I love him like crazy and he says the same about me. Thing is, we just can't be civil to each other anymore. One of the really weird things is that, discussing how we want to work things out with our assets and with DD has made us connect a bit and feel a bit closer. It makes me want to hope that things could work out but I know better. I just have to keep reminding myself of what brought us here in the first place.

Yes I did have to use my head. It’s very hard.

And in my case ex was in many ways not kind to me, and there was no way we could communicate about anything, as he would just get angry. And yet still it hurts like crazy. Really a lot.

I will be divorcing my husband next year and he is the greatest love of my life. He also had an affair and I can never, ever get over that. I think I have accepted that I will always love him because I always have (since I was 16) and I always imagined doing so. It’s a proper cliche but love isn’t always enough x

I understand. I was in a toxic relationship with my child's father. It had to end. But I still love him (though I'd never go back!) but it's not unconditional, I love who he is when he's not in a vile, angry and abusive mood. I don't think I will ever be with anyone else, there no desire there at all for the first time in my life since we split over a year ago. It normally takes me about 2 weeks to move on!
Maybe things will change but I just can't imagine that tbh.

Do you love him really, or the person you thought he was, until he showed you otherwise? I suspect you are in love with an illusion that never actually existed.

I think women buy into the happy ever after fairytale more and it hurts more.

Counselling may be the answer

Thank you and I am sorry you have been through similar.

I just don’t know how you stop it hurting. Ex and are not on speaker terms - that was one of the things he did - ostracise me for weeks and weeks - so of course now, having stood up to him, he will never speak to me again. I came face to face with him by mistake yesterday (well, he was in my house picking a package up and I didn’t realise he was there) and the sheer and utter familiarity of his face made me have really sad and desperate dreams all of last night.

He thinks I am a prize bitch for divorcing him but I was setting boundaries and I felt so unloved.

Then within about two seconds of having separated and while we had to live in the same house for months and months, he really obviously got together with someone who else. I don’t know if they are still together, but I worry about my dc at some point mentioning her - which they haven’t at all - but on the other hand ex is very secretive.

I joined a dating site and have been messaged a few times, but I have disabled my account because in the end I felt revolted with myself, and with the people on there. Ex was my person - and anyone else is just not him. Not to mention the fact that a lot of people on dating sites seems to be slimy creeps.

How do I make any of this better?

And the worst thing is that I am still living my life in reference to ex - we have 3 dc so it seems that in some strange way he is still in my life. It does sometimes come home to me how alone I am, and the pain of rejection is then excruciating.

Sorry I missed a couple of messages.

Yes counselling might help.

I don’t know what I love - it is hard to accept that probably I was not loved.

And seeing the pain ex went through during the divorce was also very hard - though he was also vile to me while it was happening.

[Edited by MNHQ to remove method]

You definitely need some support by the sound of it.
It still sounds quite recent and him seeing someone else won't help either sorry.
Lots of creeps trying to send dick pics and get something back online which put me off in the past tbh, wheedling through all that lot just made me feel disgusted too.
Pleasetry some sort of therapy op

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We have edited your above post because we don't allow any mention of suicide methods on the Mumsnet boards.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Yes I will because sometimes the pain is really bad (like tonight - probably because I saw him yesterday). And I still labour under the misapprehension that some day we might get back together.

I didn’t receive dick pics (thankfully) - it was just the silly tone of these messages and I suddenly thought WTAF AM I DOING. Not to mention the person I was going to meet for coffee but I then told him I wasn’t in the right place emotionally. It transpired that he was living with his wife but his marriage had apparently been dead for years . This aside I am just not interested in anyone as a potential partner. At all.

Your feelings are natural after a toxic relationship.

Look into resources for healing from narcisstic relationships. The fact that he was wonderful at the start is what is drawing you back.
I recommend starting a journal and look back at incidents. Abuse is so irrational which is why it doesn't make sense. I am over 2 years down the time and it still feels such a waste. I loved him, our family were thriving yet due to his abusive childhood he was programmed to continue the abuse of intimate partners. He has a new partner and no doubt she is in the idolise phase but devalue and discard will happen to her as well.

You will get through it. Loom forward and each day will get better.

Gosh I didn’t mean to elicit a message from headquarters sorry.

I am in no way suicidal, it was a metaphorical way of speaking, and now it is going to look as if I said goodness knows what, when the phrase I used is a pretty common one used when people are feeling frustrated.

That said I am sorry if I caused offence, hurt or consternation.

I was trying to get across the feeling of hopelessness I sometimes feel.

I am a strong person however, and I do have family and friends.

I guess I wanted to hear from people who have got past the hurt, and I was wondering how they managed to do it.

I think you will find that when you have room to process all your feelings, you might begin to realise just how abusive your relationship was. And then your love will turn to something else - perhaps anger or outrage - and you will move on to something better.

lifebegins50 you are totally right in everything you have said. I do have all the incidents written down somewhere - I should read them every night so I don’t forget.

It's difficult to fall out of love, isn't it? I totally get it.
How recent was the split though? These things take time and it still seems really early.
The emotions you describe sound like the cycle of grief (google it if you haven't heard). Sadness and depression is all part of the process.
Things get brighter, they really do!

He moved out in April of last year, but the divorce was going on for many months before that.

The thing I am finding hardest at the moment is thinking that I could have called off the divorce. He was trying to manipulate me into doing that, but I stood firm because I knew why I was doing it. Today I am thinking I should have stayed . But I knew how difficult things were.

Later ex reverted to being awful and had two or three outbursts during which he called me all names under the sun - he also made the divorce very difficult and told awful lies about me.

And still I feel bereft .

@why I also felt my H was the love of my life and on the outside we had a perfect life. I convinced myself it was everything I wanted but over the course of 20 plus years, resentment at not feeljng loved, valued or prioritised built up and ate away at me. We split last summer (He had EA OW waiting in the wings and couldn't get out the house fast enough). He then realised it was me he wanted 4 months later and we tried again to promises we would both try harder. I did but he didn't and in January I initiated the split for good. It was so hard as I thought I was so in love with him. Of course now he has no one waiting in the wings he doesn't want to leave the house. It's bloody awful living together-apart. I see him.now for the selfish person he really is and it's just turned me off for him. The scales have fallen from my eyes and I can't wait for him to move out. It's such a relief to not feel that bind but I think I had to give myself permission to let go of him/the relationship. People told me about this feeling but I thought "we" were different and I would never feel like that. But I do and it's wonderful!! Keep reminding yourself of how awful you felt and that you are worth more. I hope you can move on soon.

OP, can I ask if you have a history of being told not to feel your feelings? Particularly by your mum?

I ask as my own feelings towards my XH were similarly conflicted and I believe my mum's habit of saying "No you're not sad, don't be silly" and "Oh well, men are like that aren't they" contributed to me staying so long and grieving so hard.

Exh and I split 5 years ago. Like your relationship, mine was amazing at first. There were signs there regarding abusive behaviour but I chose to ignore them because I loved him so much. That love consumed me. I put him first and sacrificed my own happiness. His aggressive and bullying behaviour escalated. We had children and i suffered terribly with PND. I was isolated and had no support. I had become a shell of my former self and became resentful. My self esteem was in tatters and eventually I realised there was nothing in the marriage for me. When we split I think he always thought I'd come back and the more I dug my heels in the more vile and nasty he became. He eventually met someone and seemed to just up the ante with regards to his horrible behaviour and yet I still loved him.
I hated it. I desperately wanted to be over it yet every time I saw him it was like seeing a ghost. I couldn't understand why he was so cruel to me. Telling me i was a bad mother etc. My mental health was at its lowest and I ended up on medication. As time past I got on with my life and tried not to engage. I divorced him. It was painful but I carried on. I often wondered if i had done the right thing. Should I have just carried on for the kids sake?
Anyway, exh suddenly split with his gf. Turned out all the perfect family life he was portraying was absolute bullshit. He was just as abusive to her as he was to me. There was so much going on with him I couldn't believe it when I found out.
Ever since then I've felt vindicated. The man I knew and loved doesn't exist anymore and do you know what? I'm past caring. You'll get to a point of indifference but it will probably take some time.
Best of luck xx

I felt like I was always love my DH and he was the one for me. Even though it was me who broke it off because I felt suffocated and controlled.

I still felt like that about him for many years, tried to be friends with him etc.

Whenever I had a bad patch I would crave him for comfort. I also supported him through some difficult times himself

Just recently I tried to seek his support and he was vile to me. Tried to blame all his past mental health problems on me and was very cruel. If feels like finally the scales are falling from my eyes and I can see him for who he really is.

You’ll get there OP. Just because your not ready to move on now doesn’t mean you never will be.

I felt like you did 10 years ago. These days we’re friends, and get on just fine. It took us both moving on and drawing clear boundaries and a lot of time to get here but it’s alright.
You can’t undo what’s done, but you can remake something different. We are better as friends than partners.

But - and this is a big but - I wouldn’t recommend trying that at the moment OP. You need to heal and find peace and in order to do that you need distance. We were NC for a few years. It was the only way we could move forwards.

Ah OP its very hard and thinking of you. You are still greiving for all of it and that takes time. I been there too and love can be clouded by familiarity routine and when a relationship ends its also the good that is lost. Its the finality of it time and adjustment and patience are needed. It should be easy with a partner. Peace of mind overrides that I guess as nobody leaves a marraige without good reason. Allow yourself to grieve be kind to yourself.
When I finally left my ex I went off travelling ( my kids are adults) to heal and find a new way to live as my single life felt like a failure and I was so sad. When I least expected it I found love again and he is wonderful man in every way. Believe me let go there are better times ahead in time. Put all that love into yourself and remember why you left. Its natural to miss the good and be nostalgic but you left for a reason because you deserve much better x