What if you loved your other half but in the end their behaviour towards you was untenable, but having divorced them you realised that you would always love them

[why100000]

What then?

I don’t in any way regret my decision to instigate my divorce, because things had become so toxic that I did not know what else to do. I am 100% certain about this.

But I also know that that is it as far as I am concerned - there won’t be anyone else, and more and more I miss the oh my ex was during the first half of our marriage, and the part of us that got on, that was family, parents to the same children.

Anger and hurt propelled me through the divorce, but now there is just sadness.

How do I live with this?

I can't thank you enough for posting. I'm currently separating and feeling exactly like this.

Despite years of feeling unloved, unsupported and criticized, after finding the bravery to instigate a split at times I feel that I want to be together again.

But then something happens, like last week I was taken to hospital. While there ex sent me abusive, critical messages. It completely showed me why I didn't want to be with him. But it still broke my heart and I sobbed.

I keep reminding myself for the majority of the time I'm happier. I mourn what we could have had but acknowledge that this was never possible with him.

Like an earlier poster said, sometimes love isn't enough. But maybe then the relationship wasn't really what love is about. Maybe you're missing the what could've been not the reality.

For me it's early days but I keep telling myself it's OK to feel whatever I want to. I deserve a kind, accepting, supportive partner. This wasn't him.

Time heals all. x

You are not unusual at all for feeling like this. I left my DH (Still not divorced but would never go back) just over 4 years ago because he was so moody and depressive and angry and I couldn't live like it anymore. However, we had been together for 25 years since I was 19 and like you I miss the early years. All my memories of my youth involve him, places, songs, etc etc and it's hard. We have maintained a good friendship and sometimes he gets sad and apologises for his behaviour and says he would love to be back with me (he has a gf) but I just don't get drawn into those conversations. My current BF hates the fact that he is still in my life (we have a DS) and we have had many rows about it, but the fact is although I would never get back with him, I still love and care about him and will always have his back. it's a headfuck that's for sure but no OP, you are not alone.

@why100000 please don't be so hard on yourself. The end of a marriage, however toxic the marriage was, is horrible. It is only natural to grieve for what you had (in the beginning), what you shared (your children) and, most importantly, for what might have been. However logical and sensible your reasons for divorce, its only natural to feel any or all of the above. My marriage ended most amicably and he is now getting remarried but it still hurts. I still find myself wondering how I should have changed, done stuff differently and thus not 'failed' at being a wife. The logical part of me knows it was 50/50 but I have to fight to listen to that part of my brain!

I wasn't ready to date for over a year after my ex and I separated. He was dating again within 6 months. Even now I am certain I will never live with anyone and definitely never remarry. But none of us know what the future has in store!

Like PP have said, don't rush to be with someone else. Dating again isn't compulsory. Focus on healing and getting strong again. Everything else will fall into place.

I hear you, totally. A pp was right when they said 'love isnt enough'. I really identify with the anger propelling you through but then you just have this intense disbelief and bitterness. I look around and think 'what the fuck?'

Oh god it took me years to get over my ex husband, literally years. You won't feel like this forever but you won't be over it quickly.
Marriage and lifetime commitment especially when you have children is a massive thing to get over but you will! Trust me

I also get sad when DD begs me, over and over, for a sibling, and we rattle around on our own pkaces, and i see a FAMILY walk past, laughing and joking :(

I second getting counseling. Time is the best healer. Get your head in a better place. Date when you’re ready, and only men not living with their wives, dead marriage or not. You will find the person you were meant to be with n

Thank you for all your messages, and I am really sorry so many of us are going through the same thing.

The worst part for me is that in many ways my divorcing my ex was a protest vote. I couldn’t carry on with how he behaved, but if he came back now, was completely honest about many things, and said sorry, I would be totally up for starting again.

I have a fantasy that once we are both completely independent of one another (still a few issues regarding where he lives etc), then we would be free to be together on different terms - part of the problem for me was how controlling he was about the house we lived in (which I still live in) - only in his name because I hadn’t worked for it blah blah and other large financial decisions.

When we are completely financially separate, so my fantasy goes, we will be free to be friends. But that still wouldn’t account for his lack of communication, secrecy, sometimes short temper, and tendency to ostracise me for weeks. We would need serious counselling.

Then I remember that he got together with someone within two seconds of our separating (don’t know if they are still together) and while we were in the same house. Very long, regular and late night phone calls, showers before going out, new clothes and new underwear. The fact that this was all very obvious to me he did not give a shit about.

And where he is living he apparently has a wall of photos. My Dad, sister and I are in a photo with my dc and I suppose that would account for his dcs’ family in his eyes.

There is also a photo of a woman - my daughters asked him who that was and he lied and said it was me when I was young (I am middle aged). But they knew it wasn’t.

The hurt is bad, and just carries on.

So yes I am better off never seeing him because it rakes up all kind of stuff.

I don’t know why I even messaged the online dating guy who then it turned out was married. Just a weird idea that I should be doing that but actually just no - online seems to an ephemeral pile of crap (IMO). He is someone else’s and I have my person - my ex - just a shame that he is living elsewhere and we are not on speaking terms.

We were together for 22 years.

You'll get over him.

Being treated like a normal human being by the majority of men out there tends to help with this.

Another one saying this is a great thread and that I'm going through the same. My ex has now gone non contact as he is so angry with me for wanting to divorce. We have two small children and he has just fallen off the face of the earth. I can't believe we ended up here and am haunted by the good times. He wasn't abusive but he had no sexual interest in me or at least that's what it felt like. He also wasted years in his own (failing) business keeping us poor, waiting for his ship to come in (spoiler alert- it never did). I couldn't take any more and yet as you say, the pain can be excruciating.

I concur with the poster who said sometimes love is not enough. We loved each other but the actual relationship did not work and was not fair.
I also learned that love is an action, not just an emotion. I would have described him as a selfless, hard working, committed, kind, loving, gentle man. But his actions and choices about the money stuff don't bear any of that out. It is so hard to make sense of it all.

I'm encouraged to see so many posters saying that time will heal. My decision to end things was the correct one. And yet I can't sleep at night, sometimes the pain and sadness are just so awful.

haunted by the good times yes me too - even though they were quite a long time ago now. I am sorry you are going through the same Backpak. It’s really frightening when all normality changes to something alien and unknowable.

Thinking about it I think I have to a. make sure I never come across ex if possible as the pain is awful and b. try to think that if he is happier in another relationship, then I am glad for him - you love someone (whether they deserve that love or not!) and so you let them go. It’s endlessly hard.

I wasn’t ready for this new wave of grief, and it seems they keep on coming.

Seriously you have to stop this. Stop thinking about him. Think about, and value yourself. How could you possibly love someone who treated you badly? Aren’t you worth much more than that? Time to value yourself and realise he didn’t and doesn’t deserve you.

Therapy to increase your self esteem and self value would be a good idea.

I get how you feel OP, I am unhappy at some things in our relationship, I hate the secretive copious porn use and the fact he had an emotional affair years ago and is prone to angry outbursts at the drop of a hat. Problem is though I also like his talent, he’s amusing, not bad looking for his age and I just know that he would be snapped up in a jiffy by women who don’t have that dodgy history stuff that lurks in my head. I would want to be friends still and it would be a way easier choice if I hated him , hate the behaviour, but don’t hate the person if you see what I mean.