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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Money issues- would this be a dealbreaker for you?

34 replies

sabriel2019 · 19/02/2019 19:57

I was filing away paperwork today and came across an annual statement for a £5k loan in my partner's name. Until then, I did not know he had taken out a loan.

We live together, but finances are separate, with a joint account for mortgage and bills. Until November 2017, we'd both been paying in (60% me, 40% him as I earn more) but then he said he couldn't pay and I have covered our expenses on my own. I've also given him around £2000 in that time too. Turns out he took this loan in January 2018 and has been paying back £100 a month.

I'm waiting for him to get up (Yes, it's nearly 8pm. That's another matter altogether...) and veering between anger, hurt, confusion, resignation and fear. I can't tell any more if I'm unreasonable and selfish, or if I'm being taken for a mug.

What would you do?

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 19/02/2019 20:00

So he's not covering any joint expenses and has taken put a hidden loan. He's either dreadful with money, a secret gambler or addicted to drugs. Take care in how you get to the truth.

BoomTish · 19/02/2019 20:03

I’d stop letting him freeload.

What’s the housing situation? Do you rent or own? Who’s on the mortgage/lease?

Why is he in bed at 8pm? Does he work? I assume not if a £100 loan payment meant he had to stop contributing to living costs.

Dirtybadger · 19/02/2019 20:06

Did he lose his job and not tell you? Why else would he not be able to afford to contribute....from 40% to 0% AND 5K debt...?

I would be selling the house, splitting the equity however is right, and buying a new place alone if this is going to be ongoing.

Original poster

sabriel2019 · 19/02/2019 20:09

We own, jointly. Both names on the mortgage. He put down a significant deposit (40% of the house value), so his 'assets' are tied up in the house.

He's become pretty much nocturnal since we moved in together, but is freelance, so works a few hours a week in the middle of the night. He smokes and drinks, so I think that is where his money is going.

OP posts:

ems137 · 19/02/2019 20:14

That's a lot of money to be only getting spent on smoking and drinking!

Are you sure he's not a gambler? Or a secret shopper/hoarder?

Grace212 · 19/02/2019 20:14

um, combined with the other info, yes, dealbreaker.

Original poster

sabriel2019 · 19/02/2019 20:23

I've just worked out that he must spend on average £500 a month on wine, fags and snacks/sandwiches for himself. He earns max £500 a month at the moment, then add on paying the loan, mobile phone bill and any additional spends, he's already in the red each month.

I feel stupid to have let it go on this long.

OP posts:

CoffeeRunner · 19/02/2019 20:28

Ah, OK.

The £5k loan in itself - definitely not a deal breaker.

The free loading from you is a different story. Is there any reason why he can’t work more & earn more?

Is he drinking just a bottle or two of wine every now and again? Or is it a problem?

I’d be having a serious conversation with him about why he feels it’s OK for you to keep him, financially.

Original poster

sabriel2019 · 19/02/2019 20:39

He's drinking a lot. 1-2 bottles every day. He has a history of depression and fell back into it about five years ago, has been on ADs since.

He had a breakdown before we met and went freelance, which helped some of the stress and anxiety. I suppose now that we're living together and with me technically able to cover the expenses, he doesn't feel the same pressure to work enough to pay the bills.

OP posts:

crappyday2018 · 19/02/2019 21:49

I'm confused though, didn't you ask him why he suddenly could no longer afford to pay his 40%? What was his excuse?
If he has been drinking and smoking and you knew this is where his money was going, why did you loan him £2k?
Obviously this situation can't go on, its not a fair and equal relationship.
AND, he is an alcoholic!

oofadoofa · 19/02/2019 22:01

Wait, 40% of the house value, that’s significant. Is that recognised in the mortgage arrangements, insomuch that he owns most of the equity and therefore shouldn’t have to pay an equal share monthly, or am I missing something?

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/02/2019 22:10

What happened when he said he couldn’t pay his share of the monthly costs? Did you ask him why? How long did you both agree you’d cover everything? What was the £2k loan for?

MadameJosephine · 19/02/2019 22:19

I would not stay in a relationship with someone who expected me to pay all the bills while they spent all their income on fags and booze. Been there, done that, got wise and got out, never ever again. In the end the relationship was doomed anyway because i lost all respect for him

ConfCall · 19/02/2019 22:44

The 40% stake is in his favour - he's not a total freeloader. However, the "freelance" thing isn't working and he needs to get a job. Successful self-employed people don't lie in bed all day.

Original poster

sabriel2019 · 20/02/2019 07:24

Thanks for your views everyone- it's helpful to get some external perspective!

His excuse about not affording his contributions initially was that he hadn't been paid, or had been paid less than he expected, for a few months. The money I gave him was in response to him asking for it- for Christmas presents for his family, to clear his overdraft, to cover transport costs for job interviews.

oofadoofa, we're joint tenants, so technically own everything 50/50, including the money he put down initially.

OP posts:

oofadoofa · 20/02/2019 07:45

And there’s the rub. Essentially, what you’re saying is that the money he put in initially is now 50% yours, (perhaps you assume it to be some sort of gift?) but now that he is struggling financially, it’s 100% his problem, he’s a freeloader and he owes you money. Can’t you see the imbalance there?

itshappened · 20/02/2019 07:53

I think you should read a book called chase the rainbow by poorna bell. This sounds so similar to her experiences of living with a husband with severe depression.

But from a financial position I think you say this is your last chance as you have been lying to me about your financial position and putting you under too much financial strain. But he needs to be totally honest and show that he is actively trying to win more freelance business. He also obviously needs more help to deal with his depression and he needs to commit to getting relevant help.

Good luck. Depression manifests in so many different ways and effects everyone around them, not just the person suffering.

JenniferJareau · 20/02/2019 08:02

Sounds to me like he is sinking back into depression and slowly letting things go.

NotANotMan · 20/02/2019 08:04

Sounds like you should sell the house and live separately from this man. He will drag you down if you don't.

Original poster

sabriel2019 · 20/02/2019 08:16

No, oofadoofa, that's not what I'm saying. I don't see the money he has put down as a gift, nor mine in any way, though I know that joint tenancy technically means it is. But knowing that he invested a significant amount of money in the house has meant that I have paid for everything myself for the past 15 months. Where did the idea that I'm calling him a freeloader come from?

Itshappened, that's useful. Thank you for the book recommendation. And yes, unless things improve, perhaps selling and living apart is the best option.

OP posts:

oofadoofa · 20/02/2019 08:24

But in theory, having paid 40%, which is a massive amount, his contribution to the house is nearly done. (With only 10% remaining) you kinda should, all things being equal, be paying more up until your individual inputs look close to similar. This sounds more like a household budgeting issue, as much as anything else.

The freeloader idea came from other commentators, sorry that I attributed it to you.

Original poster

sabriel2019 · 20/02/2019 08:41

That's an interesting point of view I hadn't considered before. I suppose, in my head, his 40% investment is his, no matter what. So, if we were to split and sell, he'd get that back.

What your scenario doesn't seem to take into account is that he has contributed nothing to the joint household expenditure for over a year. Granted, that includes the mortgage, but it also covers food, energy, council tax, phone/internet. Am I being petty for begrudging using my income for us, while he uses all his income purely for him? Or is that only fair, given how much money he put into the house?

OP posts:

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 20/02/2019 08:44

I think the main issue is that you should both thrash that out together openly rather than him opting out of contributing by stealth.

NotANotMan · 20/02/2019 08:49

his contribution to the house is nearly done. (With only 10% remaining) you kinda should, all things being equal, be paying more up until your individual inputs look close to similar

He earns £500pcm and spends £500pcm on beer and fags. Living costs are not a one off expense.

Dirtybadger · 20/02/2019 08:51

If he put down 40% and then after a while said "well I've paid 50% total equity now so am just going to cover my share of bills, so that I can reduce my hours at work" that would be fine (IMO). You would be paying 50% with presumably good interest rates. Happy days.

But he has managed to additionally put himself in debt to you and banks because of his drinking issue and either lack of interest in or capacity to work.

Where do you draw the line? How much debt? How few hours worked? How many fags and bottles of wine?

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