Money issues- would this be a dealbreaker for you?

[sabriel2019]

I was filing away paperwork today and came across an annual statement for a £5k loan in my partner's name. Until then, I did not know he had taken out a loan.

We live together, but finances are separate, with a joint account for mortgage and bills. Until November 2017, we'd both been paying in (60% me, 40% him as I earn more) but then he said he couldn't pay and I have covered our expenses on my own. I've also given him around £2000 in that time too. Turns out he took this loan in January 2018 and has been paying back £100 a month.

I'm waiting for him to get up (Yes, it's nearly 8pm. That's another matter altogether...) and veering between anger, hurt, confusion, resignation and fear. I can't tell any more if I'm unreasonable and selfish, or if I'm being taken for a mug.

What would you do?

However the approach to equity and mortgage shakes down, the real problem is his mental health, his behaviour and the effect in your relationship.

He isn’t functioning.

He isn’t earning money, he is drinking, he isn’t being honest with himself, or you.

He sounds depressed at the very least. And in denial about his life.

I think he needs some dirt if rehabilitation regime.

Visit to GP, mental health support, a look at his drinking, support to get back to a normal working day.

Whether he / you can do this and how, I don’t know.

But you don’t actually have a relationship, do you? If he is awake all night and asleep all day!

Do you still love him?

I have a similar situation. I didn’t put as much as 40% of the value in, but when buying our house I paid considerably more capital than my SO, essentially all of it. And as of now, I pay the mortgage alone and contribute to most of the bills. It’s not, strictly speaking, fair. But, I wanted my girlfriend on the mortgage because I wanted it to be her home. So the way I do it, to give myself peace of mind, was to keep a detailed note of who pays what etc, both with the mortgage and bills, and if the day comes that we sell the house the proceeds will be split according to inputs. It took me half hour, or so, to make the excel sheet that does the job nicely..

My partner drinks the same amount and suffers from depression. He does pay the mortgage but nothing else. He lost his job and I had to cover everything ,including his child maintenance, for a long time. He is now working again on a much lower wage but has become a real tight arse. He will sit back and let me pay for things because he got used to it when he was out of work ! I am"encouraging " him to put his hand in his pocket now.

Oof guess it does protect your assets but it also seems a bit clinical.

Simple fact is he can't pay his portion of the mortgage, utility and household bills. How you split the % is irrelevant, he's gone from 40% to zero.

Get the property valued, he gets back his deposit minus the £2k loan and 40% of mortgage and household payments since November 2017. That will still be a significant amount of money when the property is sold.

It’s good to be clinical in matters of money. We don’t use energy deciding who pays/owes what, etc. In an ideal world, SO would be paying at least equal and who knows, if the roles were reversed, some months may have to pay more. In that scenario, her stake in the house increases and we waste zero time debating it..

sorry, I missed the 40% of house value - does that mean you didn't put down any deposit?

there's two separate issues then really - one, how you both feel about each other now, and two, how you want to go forward financially, whether you stay together or not.

This would be a deal breaker for me personally. The secrecy and lack of trust and open communication, the drinking too much, all of it.

Grace, I paid the fees, moving costs, new heating system and windows. I also bought all of the electrical items we have- vacuum, TV, dishwasher, new washer etc.

Of course, it was nowhere near the amount he put down as deposit, but I had the ready cash for that stuff. He kept around £15,000 from the sale of his previous place to pay off credit card and overdraft, plus treat himself to a few things.

HotpotLawyer, you're right. It doesn't feel much like a relationship. I feel like his mum. I love him very much and just want him to be happy, but all passion and respect has pretty much ebbed away.