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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What does it mean when a man says this?

50 replies

WhatDoesItMean · 19/02/2019 15:47

We were together 5 years. I broke up with him a few weeks ago as we've had a tough few months and he just completely left me dealing with everything whilst he was having the time of his life, so this naturally causes a strain.
Anyways, he text me last week basically saying he cant believe his actions and he's sorry, and he's really sad without me,
We spoke things out and we told each other we loved each other. As the week went on, it felt like we were trying again with the 'i love you' texts,
Anyways, he moved and lives about 4 hours away so we cant see each other much, so a lot of our contact is video calls and text. So 2 nights ago, i told him that i couldnt just see him as.a friend and I was honest saying i'm looking for commitment so i'd rather not message if we're not together and allow myself to move on,
He proceeded to say "we're together but we're not together. I dont want to label the relationship. We dont know what lies in the future. I love you but at least if we dont label us they'll be no pressures for phone calls and text messages".

This made me really really upset, I thought his apology was sincere and now i feel stupid since i thought we were giving it another go.
I told him that it feels he just wants the best of both worlds - freedom in his town whilst also having the comfort of speaking to me with no commitment.
I told him that type of relationship wasnt for me and how I'm the type of person where i was someone who is fully into me, not erming and arring about me. Those are my standards and if he was erming and arring about me then he could just have none of me.

This has caused him to say i've given him a headache and he needs time to himself.

That's fine. But i am not driving myself crazy wondering if i'm being unreasonable. But living 4 hours apart is hard enough without the uncertainity. I'm just sick of the arguments.

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 19/02/2019 15:50

He's doing his own thing. But wants you to stay faithful to him. Ditch.

CJ357119 · 19/02/2019 15:51

Just knock it on the head. It’s not worth the aggravation

notacooldad · 19/02/2019 15:53

He wants you as a back up plan. Tell him to do one !

Adora10 · 19/02/2019 15:54

He's trying to pacify you but giving you the bare minimum to keep you hanging on longer; look at how he has treated you, keep to your decision, he has let you down and shown you who he is.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 19/02/2019 15:56

As above. He wants you on hold, whilst not actually committing to a relationship. Having his cake and eating eat. Mind games. Not good.

AdaColeman · 19/02/2019 15:57

He's keeping you on a back burner just in case he's ever stuck and feels like a quick shag.

Dump. Move on. Don't look back.

Fishwifecalling · 19/02/2019 15:58

No commitment. He wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. Cast him adrift for your own sake.

MrsTerryPratcett · 19/02/2019 15:58

Don't swim the Atlantic for someone who wouldn't step over a puddle for you.

Original poster

WhatDoesItMean · 19/02/2019 15:58

Btw he hasnt always lived 4 hours away, we used to live in the same town but he moved a few months ago so him living so far jas naturally caused a strain,
Yes i agree,
It's not as if we've just met and getting to know each other. I was his girlfriend for 5 years so this 'not labelling' doesnt make sense to me and downright hurts! But I suppose it's no use waiting around, I just cant believe how he thinks it's acceptable.

We're 26 btw

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatDoesItMean · 19/02/2019 15:59

I meant we're 27. Typing too fast!

OP posts:

palmtree80 · 19/02/2019 16:04

Sorry OP but I think he wants to have his cake and eat it! He wants you to be there for shags etc but to be able to shag around whenever he likes as there's no "label".
I guarantee if you draw an absolute line and say no, and goodbye and stick to it he will keep pestering you. But if you stick to it you will have so much more self respect and feel better in the end. I'm sure you will fly with this guy out of your life for good. You sound like you deserve better.
Onwards and upwards OP!

NameChangeNugget · 19/02/2019 16:05

He’s being manipulative.

I’m moving on but, I’ll keep you dangling just in case

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 19/02/2019 16:09

He wants sex without the commitment.
And doesn't want you to have the opportunity to find a decent bloke.

velourvoyageur · 19/02/2019 16:14

I can't think of anything more soul-destroying than being in love and attached with someone who wants strictly NSA. He wants you to be a girlfriend when the urge occurs to him, but won't guarantee that he will feel that urge. Having the kind of relationship where you say I love you and then expecting them to be ok with there being no expectations re: contact is ludicrous, that's not how it works (unless both parties are on board). He will be feeling avoidant (I'm not keen on the current fawning over attachment theory but I think it fits here) whenever you make the slightest (reasonable) demand for more, which because you're trying not to annoy him will be so minimal that even if you get it still won't be enough to meet your needs, and withdraw even more, and you will be waiting by the phone and your highs will be in part produced by your lows - i.e. mixed with relief that he's finally got in touch, instead of simply being produced by secure love and happiness.

I'm really sorry but in your place I'd go NC. Your standards are spot on. Sounds like you've really been through the ringer recently and this is just an additional headfuck. Keep very busy, meet lots of new people

Doghorsechicken · 19/02/2019 16:15

He’s keeping you busy whilst he looks for another girlfriend. Do yourself a favour and move on. It’s

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/02/2019 16:16

Those are my standards and if he was erming and arring about me then he could just have none of me.

Bloody good for you! Agree that he wants the best of both worlds without any commitment. You've done the right thing.

SexNotJenga · 19/02/2019 16:16

You were together 5 years. You asked him to commit, he said he wouldn't.

He tried to keep it vague, but that's what it boils down to. He's got a headache now because you've put him in a position where he has to either commit to you properly or move on, and he's being selfish and indecisive so doesn't want to make a decision. It's obviously speculation but I wonder if he doesn't want to say you're in a relationship so that when you find out he's fucking other people he can say "we weren't exclusive".

You live 4 hours apart, you argue a lot, he isn't prepared to say you're his girlfriend. This relationship sounds about as dead as it can be. Send him his stuff and resurrect your self respect.

pregnantforever · 19/02/2019 16:19

You asked for commitment

He doesn't want to give you commitment

Why do you want to be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't want to be in one with you?

It would be a no from me. Surely you have more self esteem than that.

Tennesseewhiskey · 19/02/2019 16:21

Got to agree with everyone else.

It's a 'I am not really that bothered and doing my own thing. But I work want anyone else to have you'

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 19/02/2019 16:21

I don't understand the whole " not labelling" thing. You either want to be with someone or you don't. It's an excuse for him to have you where he wants you with none of the commitment from him. Get rid.

Bluntness100 · 19/02/2019 16:22

So, you binned him and now want him back, But he doesn't wish to commit to you?

I think you need to pull back, it Ended for a reason, and adding long distance into thr equation won't help.

Just end it op. He's not treating you well then or now.

buckingfrolicks · 19/02/2019 16:24

Come on OP you know what he's doing. No question about it.

Santaclarita · 19/02/2019 16:30

It means he's sleeping with other women. Or planning to. But most likely already is.

IdaBWells · 19/02/2019 16:30

Sad to say OP when a man wants to be with you he will be very clear about it and he will make sacrifices and do what is necessary because he will be scared of losing you. When he is as vague as this bloke, whatever he wants it’s not what you want, which is a clear, unequivocal commitment to a forever relationship.

I am very sad for you and sorry but it is much better to know this as the young woman that you are and move on to find a true life-partner. I have been happily married 22 years and my husband was clear as day that he wanted us to be to get married. Before I met him I was in two other relationships where the blokes wanted to get married and I didn’t. So if a man wants you long term he will make it very clear, you don’t have to try and figure it out or guess what he means.

You deserve much better and this man can’t make you happy. You definitely do not want to be in an insecure relationship where you are always wondering if he really is as committed as you. Cut this guy loose and move on.