What does it mean when a man says this?

[WhatDoesItMean]

We were together 5 years. I broke up with him a few weeks ago as we've had a tough few months and he just completely left me dealing with everything whilst he was having the time of his life, so this naturally causes a strain.
Anyways, he text me last week basically saying he cant believe his actions and he's sorry, and he's really sad without me,
We spoke things out and we told each other we loved each other. As the week went on, it felt like we were trying again with the 'i love you' texts,
Anyways, he moved and lives about 4 hours away so we cant see each other much, so a lot of our contact is video calls and text. So 2 nights ago, i told him that i couldnt just see him as.a friend and I was honest saying i'm looking for commitment so i'd rather not message if we're not together and allow myself to move on,
He proceeded to say "we're together but we're not together. I dont want to label the relationship. We dont know what lies in the future. I love you but at least if we dont label us they'll be no pressures for phone calls and text messages".

This made me really really upset, I thought his apology was sincere and now i feel stupid since i thought we were giving it another go.
I told him that it feels he just wants the best of both worlds - freedom in his town whilst also having the comfort of speaking to me with no commitment.
I told him that type of relationship wasnt for me and how I'm the type of person where i was someone who is fully into me, not erming and arring about me. Those are my standards and if he was erming and arring about me then he could just have none of me.

This has caused him to say i've given him a headache and he needs time to himself.

That's fine. But i am not driving myself crazy wondering if i'm being unreasonable. But living 4 hours apart is hard enough without the uncertainity. I'm just sick of the arguments.

Thanks everybody

Why did he move? Did you have any say in it?

Job prospects

A little - we spoke about it- he really wanted to find jobs, I wouldnt have stopped him

It’s a long winded way of saying ‘we’re jot together’

Back burner

We've all been there. Or at least most of us have.

When you're already emotionally involved with a man and they change the goal posts and say (basically) ''look, I don't want the responsibility of having to consider you before I make decisions, I don't want to have to be faithful to you, I don't want you to think that I owe you anything!''..... but although he's removed the label marked 'relationship' he still wants to you to be there for him when he does deign to contact you. But it will be on his terms. He can ask you for affection and support on his terms but you have no right to expect anything from him. And he's told you that.

Wow, I've just read that he was your boyfriend for five years. HE is behaving in an extremely cowardly, selfish and shabby way here. He has left you too confused to move on but made it clear he feels he OWES you nothing (not contact, not fidelity, not a future)

I would take the wind out of his sails and say that whatever it was that was in the jar that had no label, there is no jar.

Thank you everybody, i will be cutting contact

Awww diddums ... poor likkle baby’s got a headache because you asked him to be honest about his genuine commitment to you. He gave himself a headache more like because you saw through him and he didn’t like it.
Well done for recognising that he was stringing you along and for putting your own needs first.

Haha definitely so childlike isnt it! I just cant believe we were together so long so it seems ridiculous that he would even entertain the idea that i'd agree to a non-labellous relationship.
Honestly, he's done a lot in the past 5 years of our relationship, such as drunk cheating (claiming it was only kisses, but i'm not stupid).
I forgave him though because i would just think "well he's not that bad because...",
But this is all the last straw-

1. He had no intention of compromising with me during this long distance. I was always expected to just follow him along with no visits from him.
2. Never settle for a boy who doesnt know what he wants. If he wanted me, he would make it obvious.

Anyway, i forgot to update.

When we had that initial discussion, he said he had a headache so was going to bed but said he'd speak about it the next day.
That never happened.

Anyways, before i started this mumsnet, i sent a message saying "are you ready to speak?" (I know stupid in hindsight), he didnt reply for hours and hours and hours despite seeing the message.
Finally replied late last night saying
"Hey, still got a headache so i'm not staring at my phone tonight since it hurts when i look at it". -.-
I realised like someone said previously, that the relationship was dead, so i said something along the lines of:
I'm taking myself out of the situation. Please dont message me again in a few weeks being all apologetic. I find the way your acting unbelievable and quite disrespectful to our 5 year relationship.
I never would have treated you this way - I never kept you on a string or made you feel any confusion even when you admitted to all those times you cheated last year.
Maybe it's.more fool me but I am actually gone now. There's only so much a person can take and this was not the person i fell in love with and that's me done.

I sent a message like that because I didnt want him messaging in a few weeks wondering where i was or asking.'why'.
He knows my thoughts now. But he genuinlly doesnt understand why i'm not into 'not labelling us'.

He didnt reply to it, he saw it though. But whether he replies or not, I dont care. I feel much better now i've got all my thoughts out and I can finally move on, be single, and hopefully meet someone one day who actually wants to label me their girlfriend haha :)
Thanks so much everybody!! I needed to see sense.

Onward and upwards OP.

He can miss you and regret breaking up without actually changing anything you know. I'm sure he was sincere about that but that doesn't mean he wants to commit to you.

Well done @WhatDoesItMean

Give yourself time to get over it, then onwards and upwards.

He’s not getting any and he wants a safe landing pad in case his dry spell continues.

OP, I actually cheered when I read your update that you’d dumped the selfish shit! Good for you. Stay strong, be proud of yourself.
No experience is wasted - you’ve learned a lot from this twerp about what to avoid in future relationships.
Get out there and have a great life, on your own terms.

"we're together but we're not together. I dont want to label the relationship."
We're not really together.

"
"We dont know what lies in the future."
I might find something better, but you're filling the spot nicely for now.

"I love you but at least if we dont label us they'll be no pressures for phone calls and text messages" I don't want to have to talk to you like a normal partner, but please be available when I need you for something, if I tell you I love you, I'm sure you'll agree even if my actions say otherwise.

I'd say you can do a lot better and should stop wasting your time on this prick who is clearly no good and a bit of a user. Do you not think you're worth more than this?

I understand that @NotANotMan but i've always been clear to him that, after a breakup, i like to cut contact for my own mental state.
And is it really fair to message someone 'i love you more', 'i love you so much' consistently knowing full well they want a relationship with you - to me that's messing with someones head.

I cried myself to sleep 2 nights ago, just like how i've cried myself to sleep quite a lot from October up until now - i cant be downgraded from his girlfriend to 'were together but not together'. That's stopping me from moving on.

I love him to pieces and I still have thoughts today like 'maybe i shouldnt have sent that message last night. Maybe I should have just been friendly and spoke to him when he needed. Maybe he was right, maybe we shouldnt have put a label on it. Maybe i'm dysfunctional and caused an argument for no reason'.

But, realistically, if my friend told me a boy was treating her like this, i'd tell her to get rid

I know i've made the right decision for me, just time to grieve him and the relationship now - like most people have said, i'd be such an idiot to even entertain the idea of the 'non-labelling'. Time to get some self-respect for myself and stop waiting for him

And i'm definitely worth a lot more than this- billions of people about, why settle for one who isnt fully into it

I think staying friends can halt the moving on process so I feel a sense of relaxation through me, that i'm finally allowing myself to move on, even if i'm single for a few years, who cares haha

Well done OP 👍. Now block him left, right and centre. Selfish git!

I'm really upset tonight, i'm trying so hard not to message telling him i dont understand :( i havent heard a thing off him - please give me words to stop myself

By sending that message, you honored your dignity and sel-respect. You asserted your boundaries and let him know that you refuse to dance to his tune.

A non-labeled relationship. Cringeworthy.

Once this selfish manchild changed the structure of your relationship, you became incompatible.

self-respect