autistic wife, autistic husband. marriage imploding. help?

[KenShabby]

Gosh, where to start? I left MN a long time ago, this is my first thread in probably 10 years.

He got his ASD dx a decade before I got mine. 20 year marriage apparently declining for years, but I was unaware that there was any great unhappiness on his part, just assumed this was the new 'autistic' way of being. Thought he accepted me for who i am.

I spent the better part of '17 , and almost all of '18 unwell with a chronic health condition which I have had since the early days of our marriage.

Whilst I was ill, he was plotting to leave. He dumped a load of "i don't love you any more, lets have an open marriage, my physical needs aren't being met, you're boring, all you do is talk about Brexit, you're too negative, you swear too much" on me in mid November, and after some heart to hearts, he confessed he did still love me and wanted to try to rekindle. It was very touchy feely, which is something he's never been before. Always wanting to hold hands. Wanted a snog in a dark alley. The kids were 'grossed out' by all this displaying of affection, which is unlike him. Sex was very oddly mature, with him wanting all sorts of things he never did before (we hadn't had sex in a long, long time, more than 5 years).

So roll on to Christmas with this simmering in the background, i tell him i really don't want all that physical contact or snuggling in bed, i want to sleep, i need to rest to heal and get well, and it's never been normal for us, i don't understand why he suddenly needs all this touch now.

January i apply for some jobs for the first time in 15 years, to try and move forward, rebuild myself and my identity from carer for ASD children / homemaker to 'person with a job' as well. Whilst i was in the interviews, he was trawling gingerbread website, making a bullet pointed list of how he thinks it will all be, and 2 weeks ago, lays it all in my lap. He wanted to move out. According to him, I'm the only person making it more complicated than it says on the website, he can just go. With me having no income.

Naturally i'm bricking it, i mean, not only has my trust gone, my confidence in him gone, his devotion to his marriage vows is gone because he says I am the source of his misery and he cannot bear to live with me. 5 days after this "leaving" bombshell, the landlady tells us she is selling the house after we've been here for a decade and we have to move by summer.

So i'm in a pickle. He won't go get help for what I think is a constant depression. He blames me for everything. Our DC are getting older and they're not stupid. We are trudging forward towards the move date with this "is he going to leave? is he not going to leave?" hanging over me like a dark cloud. Now we have to move. Do we go together (financially, we haven't got enough to rent 2 places!), or do we split when we move and doubly impact the kids?

I've been to a psychologist friend who noted his inertia - talks about grand plans but doesn't act on them. Paediatrician friend was very supportive. Indy SALT cum family friend was horrified, and is trying to help me find work - as I haven't worked in 15 years, I've been caring / homemaking, such as it is, and volunteering.

There are loads more details.

I would appreciate MN collective wisdom on autism, autistic spouses, anything, to help. Especially when both partners are autistic!

He seems to blame you and you seem to blame him but really it sounds like you want different things in the relationship. What makes it complicated is that your lives are tied together.

If he wants to separate, ask him to do it with a joint plan to make both of your lives as easier as possible and most importantly make sure the transistion is right for your children.

The bit i left out (argh, i always do that!!) is: while he is busy deciding he wants to leave me, he is emotionally distancing himself from us. And complaining that "there is no family any more, everyone's always plugged into Youtube).

He also spends a lot of time on whatsapp with coworkers. Who are married / engaged / separated. He has confessed to discussing us with them, and they are guiding him through "separation" because they've done it and they're grand and their kids are fine.

He wants wild sex, a lover, romance, someone he can tell his deepest darkest desires to who won't judge him, etc. He doesn't want a flashy car or the usual "midlife crisis" stuff but accepts that this all sounds very much like a midlife crisis.

He insists there will be no impact on the kids because "they won't even notice the difference." When i tell him that is abject nonsense, he tells me that "its a difference in opinion" and that "for every resource you find ta states the children will be adversely affected, I can find one that says they won't"

Stubborn isn't the word for him, he sees nothing but his own plans / will / thoughts and cannot take on anything from anyone else, particularly if it is me.

He's still talking about carrying on a family recreational activity we do every Sunday as a group, in the summer and how hot it will be in the activity centre, etc. But i don't think separated families carry on like best friends, do they? And "anytime you need a nap, or want to go for a run, just call me, i'll come over" - ummm...

He says he is "stuck" now that we have to move, because he knows that me getting a house on Universal Credit will be very difficult, though that's what he wants me to do, that's his plan. I can just claim benefits and they'll magically turn up and all will be okay - because the gingerbread website said so.

It’s rare but some people do if they have an amicable separation but if you don’t want to do that you don’t have to and he shouldn’t expect to have his cake and eat it too.

He wants a more intimate relationship, you’re not keen and you think it’s a mid life crisis where he will forget about it in a few and years and go back to the default relationship which by chance works better for you. Maybe his wants and needs will pass but probably not, and the resentment will most likely only grow.

I think he’s been unrealistic about quite a few things but so are you.

I probably don't need to state that communication has always been an issue. I prefer to talk immediately because i can't tolerate confrontation and the anxiety it all causes, he stonewalls and stores things up.

What about my wants and needs? They don't seem to matter, it's like he has all the power here, he decides for all 4 of us. ?

Your wants and needs are important but you want completely different things. It’s not fair to force you to have an intimate relationship if you don’t want that. You’re incompatible.

I hope I’m not coming across as a cow bag. I know I’m being a bit blunt about things and it’s not always helpful when you’re going through a tough time.

Don’t get me wrong I think he is equally to blame but I think sooner or later he is going to leave you. I think coming up with a plan to make the transition as smooth as possible may make the separation easier. The other option is try to stay in a relationship where you both want different things and you both resent each other until you finally split up after years of angst and it’s a big mindfuck mess.

When we argued in the early days of our relationship, it was because I wanted the loving touchy relationship and he wouldn't have sex or cuddle and I felt rejected. He wanted his time alone, etc.

It is now completely flipped round, I have health issues that make sex unpleasant, and to be honest, it's not at the top of my to-do list with someone who is as cold as he is. For whatever reason, now he suddenly wants things he hasn't wanted in 20 years, and I'm at a loss to understand why, or why I'm expected to provide those things to someone who treats me like a rug. It's all very confusing.

You're making it confusing.

He wants more intimacy. You don't need to analyse why he does, he does. You don't, and that's fine too.

Both your needs and wants have changed to the extent that you are incompatible.

You need to start taking practical steps to move forward. Start applying for benefits as a lone parent. Start looking for somewhere to live. None of these are going to happen overnight, so best to start getting on with it.

He doesn't want to be with you.
You want to force him to stay.
You can't.
Sort your life out now, so you can live without him.
You'll be surprised how straightforward it is.
Yes, you'll be hurt by the end of the relationship.
But future relationships, if they happen, can be on your terms.

View this as a fabulous opportunity and a big project.

Get advice from everywhere. Pick the out the useful bits.

I speak from the point of view as an autistic woman, divorced many years ago. I was devastated. But most of my problems came from not feeling in control. Take control and don't take any shit. He's made his bed, let him lie in it.

And it wouldn't surprise me if one of his 'helpful colleagues' isn't a woman who is helping him a lot.

Several of the "helpful colleagues" he speaks to are women. One is divorced with 2 kids, and engaged to a new man.

He maintains he's got no interest in women like that, who "dress up to the nines every day" etc. And he maintains there is "no one else, i don't have time".

I don't think i believe him tbh.

I am busy getting advice from absolutely everywhere, on everything that I need to do to live alone. Awk during half term, with the kids at home, they're not deaf either.

The money part scares me more than anything.

Disentangling 20 years of joint finances is very complicated. Some accounts are his, some are mine. My name on some things, not on others.

(1) Set up a new bank account in your name.

(2)cWrite down what accounts you both have now and (3) agree how they are going to be split. Remember it doesn't matter whose name is on the account, they are all joint assets.

Once you've done that, you know what you've got to work with financially. Is there enough for a rent deposit? Will you current landlord give you your deposit back early as a goodwill gesture?

One step at a time. Look at (1) and (2) today, don't overwhelm yourself by trying to do everything at once.

OP, I have NC for this.

I have Aspergers. I previously ended a 2 year on/off relationship with an autistic man. It was on/off because of the autism.

I honestly believed that the understanding we had of each other would mean our relationship was stronger - I certainly 'got' him more than I've ever got an NT man and he got me too. But it was an absolute fucking nightmare that had all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship.

My needs and wants didn't count. His needed to be centred at all times. I'm not perfect but he perceived my boundaries as a personal attack on him.

Essentially, I need a lot of time on my own to 'recalibrate'. I need a lot of time in silence and I manage my interactions with other people quite carefully. I'm indepent and I like my own space. It takes me a very long time to develop a reliable emotional attachment to someone. When he describes the sort of relationship he wants, it's essentially an unhealthy all consuming co-dependent one - think the intensity of teenage relationships where they drop friends and hobbies to spend as much time together and can only think of each other. I've never been like that. This is what we clashed over the most - his unrealistic intensity vs my cold heartedness

In the end, I framed it to him as there is nothing essentially wrong with the relationship he wants (well, I think there is) and there is nothing wrong with the relationship I want. But they were very different sorts of relationship and we were unable to meet each other's relationship needs.

Ultimately, I have no words of wisdom for you but I understand Stubborn isn't the word for him, he sees nothing but his own plans / will / thoughts and cannot take on anything from anyone else, particularly if it is me. completely.

I understand it's different because you are married and have children but I can honestly say that the peace I have felt since being out of that situation is immense

And it wouldn't surprise me if one of his 'helpful colleagues' isn't a woman who is helping him a lot. I would agree with this. Autistic men can be very endearing to NT women due to their honesty and perceived simplicity and straightforwardness.

1. done that, did it just after christmas.

1. Done that too. Money is tight. Very tight.

1. He still hasn't decided when he's leaving, he's talking moving together, but only to make sure the kids and I get a house.

Landlady is actually offering a chance to buy the house from her rather than move. He has actually mooted that about as well.

I have absolutely no idea where I stand tbh.

AutisticPartners, I am exactly the same. I need time and space, and it has gotten worse as I've gotten older. After all the stress of the statement appeals in the early part of this decade, that went on for absolute years as the LA jerked us around, and then converting them to EHCPs, I was exhausted for a while. I started running and lost approximately 6 stone over the course of a few years, in order to help myself cope with stress.

It's very hard because he says he "is becoming a more social person" and that I'm not changing with him. I'm not sure why he would expect me to? He's not becoming a more social person, he has a few shoulders to lean on at work and get sympathy from, and otherwise has no friends at all outside of his family. I think the coworkers have undue influence on him and he is altering himself to be like them. Like masking, but different.

. He still hasn't decided when he's leaving, he's talking moving together, but only to make sure the kids and I get a house.
Error!
Take control. Tell him when he's leaving. Get housing advice urgently. CAB, housing association, online, anywhere. First priority is that you and the DCs have a roof over your head when you have to move out of the house you are in now.

Is he intended to buy the house and make you and his children move out? Frankly, I wouldn't trust him at all. Make your own arrangements. As soon as you do that he loses all his power.

Where you stand with him is irrelevant. Sort out where you stand without him. Come on, you can do this.

Sounds like he's picking up behaviours from around him - but he's done that now and you have to secure your own future. Good on you for the six stone, by the way, that's amazing. If you can do that, you can do anything.

Gawd, the weight loss was nothing compared to all this crap. I can thank the LA for initiating the weight loss, it was their idiocy that stressed me to the point of losing weight.

No, his thought is the same as mine, better on the kids and cats and us all if we didn't have to leave the home we've known for 11 years.

I think the coworkers have undue influence on him and he is altering himself to be like them. Like masking, but different.

Yep, recognise this too. Again, I am NOT comparing my short lived relationship with your marriage but yes this absolutely. This man and I are still very good friends because there is a lot of love there but a relationship is impossible.

Anyway, the pressure of being in a relationship built up for him and he managed it by also "being more social". What he meant was - going out and drinking with people who had no real concern for him; who lied to him; manipulated him; tried to come in between the two of us; and took advantage of him. Difficult because he read them as 'friends' because they smiled at him; were 'nice' to him and invited him out with them.

Some were women who pursued him sexually. He didn't want them because he was with me, but he also "didn't want to make them feel bad" so he allowed himself to get into difficult situations. Which caused him greater stress and so he drank more...

He also did things he didn't really want to do, went to places that were too loud or other wise sensorily uncomfortable; spent time with people who took the piss out of his obvious disabiity just to try and be like them and more sociable...

I need time and space, and it has gotten worse as I've gotten older.

Same here! I am seeing someone now but he lives 200+ miles away. We spend the weekend together every 3 - 4 weeks. I have a lovely time with him but, at the end of it, I'm glad to be on my own again! When I travel to see him, I get the train so that I can prepare myself mentally on the way there and 'decompress' on the way back!

Essentially, the older I get, the better I understand myself and my needs and the less I 'mask' - because, frankly, I don't see why I should! It's hard enough doing it at work etc, I'm no longer doing it with every social interaction.

Sorry, I don't actually have any advice for you at all! You've had some good practical advice but shared experience - I can do that!

Oh one more thing, from looking at a lot of the autistic people I know, the women seem to be more self aware and gain greater insight in to the way they are than men do. Women also seem more willing and able to 'learn' - either strategies for managing feelings etc; about themselves and their needs and better able to compromise. Still intense etc but better able to self reflect and learn. If that makes sense.

Absolutely understand your reply and absolutely can relate to the stress of being social etc.

He went to the company Xmas do out of pressure to fit in. It was awful and he messaged me through it about being left too long to eat, hungry, it was too loud, etc. He really isn't becoming more social, but he is being led by people who want us to bust up.

He really isn't becoming more social, but he is being led by people who want us to bust up.

Yes. That was my/our experience too