autistic wife, autistic husband. marriage imploding. help?

[KenShabby]

Gosh, where to start? I left MN a long time ago, this is my first thread in probably 10 years.

He got his ASD dx a decade before I got mine. 20 year marriage apparently declining for years, but I was unaware that there was any great unhappiness on his part, just assumed this was the new 'autistic' way of being. Thought he accepted me for who i am.

I spent the better part of '17 , and almost all of '18 unwell with a chronic health condition which I have had since the early days of our marriage.

Whilst I was ill, he was plotting to leave. He dumped a load of "i don't love you any more, lets have an open marriage, my physical needs aren't being met, you're boring, all you do is talk about Brexit, you're too negative, you swear too much" on me in mid November, and after some heart to hearts, he confessed he did still love me and wanted to try to rekindle. It was very touchy feely, which is something he's never been before. Always wanting to hold hands. Wanted a snog in a dark alley. The kids were 'grossed out' by all this displaying of affection, which is unlike him. Sex was very oddly mature, with him wanting all sorts of things he never did before (we hadn't had sex in a long, long time, more than 5 years).

So roll on to Christmas with this simmering in the background, i tell him i really don't want all that physical contact or snuggling in bed, i want to sleep, i need to rest to heal and get well, and it's never been normal for us, i don't understand why he suddenly needs all this touch now.

January i apply for some jobs for the first time in 15 years, to try and move forward, rebuild myself and my identity from carer for ASD children / homemaker to 'person with a job' as well. Whilst i was in the interviews, he was trawling gingerbread website, making a bullet pointed list of how he thinks it will all be, and 2 weeks ago, lays it all in my lap. He wanted to move out. According to him, I'm the only person making it more complicated than it says on the website, he can just go. With me having no income.

Naturally i'm bricking it, i mean, not only has my trust gone, my confidence in him gone, his devotion to his marriage vows is gone because he says I am the source of his misery and he cannot bear to live with me. 5 days after this "leaving" bombshell, the landlady tells us she is selling the house after we've been here for a decade and we have to move by summer.

So i'm in a pickle. He won't go get help for what I think is a constant depression. He blames me for everything. Our DC are getting older and they're not stupid. We are trudging forward towards the move date with this "is he going to leave? is he not going to leave?" hanging over me like a dark cloud. Now we have to move. Do we go together (financially, we haven't got enough to rent 2 places!), or do we split when we move and doubly impact the kids?

I've been to a psychologist friend who noted his inertia - talks about grand plans but doesn't act on them. Paediatrician friend was very supportive. Indy SALT cum family friend was horrified, and is trying to help me find work - as I haven't worked in 15 years, I've been caring / homemaking, such as it is, and volunteering.

There are loads more details.

I would appreciate MN collective wisdom on autism, autistic spouses, anything, to help. Especially when both partners are autistic!

Are you autistic, Bluerussian?

I have Aspergers and have split from someone who was NR.

Only he knows what's going on in his head. He needs to decide what he's doing as his words and actions are at odds with each other and is damaging everyone. I would personally focus on moving forward without him as it sounds like he's unhappy.

With regards to him forcing himself to be more sociable, I go through phases like that too. It's not because colleagues or friends have influence, it's because I see them happy and enjoying life and I want that for myself too. There's the famous saying "Fake it 'til you make it" - the more social stuff I do, the easier it is. I go through periods where I don't want to be the way I am and being with NT and people is my way of pretending that I'm NT too.

May I ask what is NT and NR ? Thanks

NR was a typo-NT is neurotypical

Very much agree his words and actions are at odds with each other. I hope this is clarified soon, I'm dizzy from the AC/DC of it all!

So - an update, since a few weeks have elapsed.

I'm hardening. He's lying. Going out somewhere under the guise of "looking at a shopping centre" eg, spamming me with photos of where he is when he gets there, and then going silent for 90 minutes, etc. Not that I care what he does, but it's lying (by omission, or directly) that I can't abide.

I found sexual objects in the garage that weren't mine. That my kids could've found if they'd gone rummaging, as I did, for less than 3 minutes. I have since been tested for syphilis, gonorrhoea, chlamydia, and I'm waiting on results for HIV, Hepb and Hepc. Humiliating but necessary. He lied about why i needed to stay out of that part of the garage. 3 times in 48 hours. Again, the lying I can't deal with.

I'm honestly thinking the impending house move is the time to split. I've been to the job centre on an unrelated matter and asked about how to apply for UC. My issue is that I will have very, very little income without benefits, and applying for them scares the daylights out of me - and waiting 28 days for the results, etc.

I've asked the SALT involved w our kids to write a letter explaining why they absolutely positively cannot share a room - but we will get nowhere asking for a council house, they're very rare on the ground and nowhere near (geographically) where we need to be for school/work and I cannot drive as I have a heap of my own disabilities (though i push on regardless).

I need everyone to tell me to LTB - but i also need help / steering / advice doing it. I'm scared to death to do this, but i don't think i can live like this any more either.

This has the potential to be the making of me and my kids - or a spectacular disaster. I don't know which. I appreciate all views.

For investigating what benefits you may be able to claim, have a look at the Benefits and Work website, join as it gives you access to all their guides for claiming benefits. Absolutely get help to fill in the applications, often acceptance or rejection can hinge on a slight change in wording. Look for support groups on facebook.
If you have a face to face assessment, do not answer 'Can you do' questions with 'Yes, but' then describe the difficulty you face in achieving the outcome, this only scores as a Yes.
Answer with 'No, but'

www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/

Someone else here will be able to advise specifically on all the things you need to do to 'get your ducks in a row' with your own finances, joint finances etc.
For a start, make and keep a copy of all bank accounts and finances.

Thank you. I've been to entitled.to but I didnt realise about this website, I will have a look. I have booked a free 1/2 hour with a local solicitor for next week while i start my new very part time job on Monday (i hope).

Hi OP, it's great that you're starting work next week - just having something to focus on for a few hours is a relief from constantly mulling over the separation, I always find.

It's really shit of him to not only lie to you but to be so bloody obvious about it. Sex toys in the garage? Really? As you say the kids could have come across those, it's really not on.

What has he said about residence of the children? Is he expecting you to continue as primary carer and he'll just have them EOW and a weekday, or is he suggesting a different split?

The fact that he thinks they won't notice he's gone says something sad about his relationship with them :(

Filthy sex toys in the garage. Absolutely no idea if they are just for him or for him to use on someone else, hence the STD tests.

He has said nothing about where the kids go; the presumption is that they go with me, wherever I go. He wanted to just get a bedsit and get out from under our roof, but the upcoming house move has rather complicated things. His suggestion in January was that we keep doing the Sunday activity we do as a family, and that he'd only be within walking distance and if i need a nap or want to go for a run, just call him and he'd come over, to paraphrase him.

Not very well thought out; but nothing he has planned to do since November has been well thought out, it's the impulsive knee jerk stuff of desperation.

Is the activity something he could do with the kids, but without you? Because I certainly wouldn't want to continue doing "family activities" after he's decided to bail on the family.

If you sit him down and ask him "How are you planning to do school pick ups and drop offs, have you asked your line manager for flexible working hours?" how do you think he would react?

(Obviously you'd be calling his bluff, but it's worth nothing that courts these days tend to take 50/50 shared care as the starting position.)

I do the school runs - he has no intention of doing them, though he has flexiworking and WFH any time he needs it.

Very interesting line of thinking.

I'm really going to struggle to keep attending Sunday Morning Activity if we aren't together. That said, he "separated" from me in all but money-wise back in January, and we still manage said activity every Sunday as a fam, with me largely ignoring him.

I need to remember that just because today was pleasant and he was chatty means nothing. It hasn't changed anything. He still doesn't want me any more. Staying with him is not the answer, even though it's the comfortable thing to do.

SIGH.

It's less miserable in the home. But I think he lied about where he went on Saturday.

I am overanalysing all this but I'm also trying to make the right decision for my kids and the future. It's so difficult to know what to do.