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Relationships

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Original poster

What would you take 'i buttered her up' to mean?

33 replies

Alondonleerie · 19/02/2019 08:08

In the context of an explanation as to why there is a string of cosy messages between dh and a woman he worked with, but apparently didn't actually spend time alone with, while working away. They did spend time together in a group (although could have been in a corner together, who knows), and hung around together on an arranged sightseeing trip. And when she mentioned wanting to do some day drinking, he said he'd join her (no mention of anyone else by either of them). She had asked his advice on sightseeing trips, then given him a rundown of what she'd seen - along the lines of:
"I saw a tortoise :). "
"and a bird"
"and a goose"

Yes... In seperately texts. And pics of her cocktails in a bar, on two different occasions, one of which was accompanied by text along the lines of " better than your Starbucks!", so she knew where he'd gone, and was... What?... Saying it was better with her? I dunno.
Gossipy texts about new work mates, which continued after they got home again from deployment, after hours when he should have been interacting with his wife and kids.
No overtly flirty stuff, but much more than two ppl who didn't spend any amount of time together, I would have thought. Which is what I pointed out. And finally, today he says, " I buttered her up, telling her how great she was when she filled a gap in a roster" and other things, that are surely just part of the job description. He hadn't mentioned any aspect of their relationship like that, led me to believe they had little to do with each other, which is why the tone of the messages seemed at odds to what he was describing. He also said he responded positively to her first message, and they enjoyed it, so continued.
What would your interpretation of this be?

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 19/02/2019 08:10

My interpretation of this is that colleagues have no need to be contacting each other on non business matters on personal phones. Unless they are flirting and gearing up for an extra marital affair :(

CallMeSirShotsFired · 19/02/2019 08:12

Buttering someone up to me means lavishing praise on them to make them feel good - but usually as a means to an end for the person dishing out the nice words.

So it sounds like exactly what your husband said - he told her nice things about how she was filling a gap in the roster. But I'm not clear why?

LIZS · 19/02/2019 08:14

Who is "her" ? Presumably another person. Did he flirt and persuade her to fill the gap in the shift, perhaps so he can take time out to see/text his "colleague" . The tittle tattle seems innocuous if unnecessary on its own but is perhaps part of a bigger picture?

ConfCall · 19/02/2019 08:15

My instinct tells me that she's useful to him - not that he fancies her.

She may have a crush on him, but I don't think it's reciprocated. He may be stringing her along a bit because she does him work favours, hence the "buttering up". I don't think that this is an emotional or physical affair. I think he's using her. I can only go on what you've said, of course.

Butterymuffin · 19/02/2019 08:15

Why did he want to butter her up? Have you asked?

FenellaMaxwell · 19/02/2019 08:15

To butter someone up is to suck up to them because you want something.

Parthenope · 19/02/2019 08:18

Buttering someone up to me means lavishing praise on them to make them feel good - but usually as a means to an end for the person dishing out the nice words.

This, only it's not clear why your husband felt he had to butter her up -- is he responsible for rostering, and had to fill a gap, and she volunteered?

MothOnTheWall · 19/02/2019 08:21

Agree with what buttering up means..he was being nice because he wanted her to do something..

However My interpretation of this is that colleagues have no need to be contacting each other on non business matters on personal phones. Unless they are flirting and gearing up for an extra marital affair :( why does MN have such an issue with colleagues being friends? Two of my best friends are from work, we message constantly. One of them is male, neither of us want to have sex with each other. In fact we have just booked a holiday together. We're still just friends..

ShowOfHands · 19/02/2019 08:25

Some of my colleagues are really good friends and we message v regularly. Some male, some female.

You sound v obsessed with these messages to the point of dissecting normal statements.

Original poster

Alondonleerie · 19/02/2019 08:34

I can only go on what you've said, of course.
Yes, I'm only going on what I've been told by him, which at first was that they spent very little time together. When I questioned why she was sending him overly familiar messages on a regular basis, he finally said they enjoyed messaging each other (why? It was all related to the frequent evening meals/drinks or sightseeing on free days, apart from the gossip about how annoying she found the person who took over from dh when he was doing something different ) and so continued. And he also buttered her up, telling her how great she was, when just doing her job. I don't think it was a matter of her doing jobs for him, because those rosters (for example) weren't for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alondonleerie · 19/02/2019 08:34

And yes, it is part of a bigger issue.

OP posts:

LemonTT · 19/02/2019 08:36

As others said it is a phrase used to mean you have flattered someone as a means to an end. To make things easier for you.

You are clearly threatened by this relationship. It sounds like they are friendly colleagues who are close. It happens in some professions and fields where relationships and bonds become very strong, they will describe themselves in familial terms. Most of the time that is it. But, the problem is it spills over into something else that is inappropriate. Like an unwanted advance or affair. More commonly they will be subject to gossip. That gets them into trouble at home and at work.

I would speak to your DH about his relationship with her and the need to put in place professional boundaries for everyone’s sakes. . Explain that they will be subject to gossip, she could misinterpret his interest and that you are worried about it becoming over involved. Then wait for his response.

NameChangeNugget · 19/02/2019 09:12

My instinct tells me that she's useful to him - not that he fancies her

This is how I read it too

Original poster

Alondonleerie · 19/02/2019 09:42

After I noticed she was messaging in the evening to bitch about colleagues and how hard her day had been, I made myself known (telling him to say hi when he replied, things like that). It very quickly stopped.
Yes, I do now feel threatened knowing that he had fantasized about having sex with her, then asked her out for a drink alone. While having minimal contact with me and the kids back home. For months. Because a while back, he had an affair, which started out like this. Time spent socialising in a group of friends. They flirted (confirmed by another of their friends who was there) but didn't think they were obvious. When working away he asked her out for a drink alone. The next time they met up was at her place, for dinner and sex. Repeated every week for two months. I found out last year, and to me, if you've already had an affair, you'd know it wasn't appropriate to continue cosy, overly friendly messages with a member of the opposite sex because you enjoyed it, or fantasize about having sex then suggest a drink out alone. You'd be living with better boundaries.

OP posts:

Bellends · 19/02/2019 09:54

Your update lust your dh in a firm not 'd' h catefkrybformme. He is happily shitting all over you. I'd let her fucking have the waste of space as you sound totally stressed and baffled by his behaviour as you are right to. One after, distant, doing the same shit again or the beginnings of? No fucking chance mate, fuck off. Honestly, you'll be able to breathe again once he's gone. I know it's not that easy but I remember my friends mum saying ' forgive once, they're the fool, forgive twice , you're the fool

Bellends · 19/02/2019 09:55

Your update puts your dh in the firm not dh category.

Bluntness100 · 19/02/2019 10:07

I don't understand, how do you know he fantasised about having sex with her? Did he tell you this?

The messages seem nothing strange to me, I message work colleagues and treat them like mates, but thr fantasising about having sex with her changes it and is a bit left field.

CloudyTuesday · 19/02/2019 10:10

Your op suggested nothing more than friendship but your update changes my opinion enormously. After being recently forgiven for an affair he should be doing everything to put your mind at rest, not starting a new 'friendship' with a female colleague. Unless you want to spend the next 60 years checking his phone, walk away and find someone who deserves you.

ConfCall · 19/02/2019 10:10

Ok - your update puts a different complexion on things. He may well be testing the water for another affair, thinking that he got away with it before and could again.

Bluntness100 · 19/02/2019 10:16

Well he didn't get away with it before, not really, although I guess because rhe op forgave and stayed, he did.

I do think if you forgive an affair, this doesn't mean you can never have a friend of the opposite sex, and those texts are just friendly, the cocktail one is simply her saying a cocktail is better than a coffee.

But, the whole he's fantasised about having sex with her changes this enormously and that would indicate he's trying it on with her.

Imperfectsusan · 19/02/2019 10:29

I think that would be it for me. You gave him a chance after the last time, and he's still at it, flirting with other women (if not more) whilst ignoring you. If he still isn't able to stop chasing the attention of other women when he is t with you, he is not worth it. He thinks you are a pushover and he doesn't care about your feelings really.

Adora10 · 19/02/2019 10:33

OFGS, he's at it again isn't he, an affair last year only and he's already cosied up with OW, out on dates etc, texting constantly, nothing innocent about this OP, you need to get rid, he won't stop this behaviour, it's who he is.

gateauxauxfruits · 19/02/2019 12:29

Have you seen "Last Tango in Paris"?

MsDogLady · 19/02/2019 14:47

After working away for months, having minimal contact with family....

*We hardly saw each other.
*She begins sending frequent, overly friendly messages after hours.
*Well, we do enjoy messaging each other.
*Well, I buttered her up, telling her how great she was when she filled a roster.
*Well, I have fantasized about having sex with her and did ask her out for a drink alone.

Their affair is staring you in the face. They have developed emotional intimacy and likely physical. Even the messaging on mundane topics is bonding.

This man has very weak boundaries and is repeating his pattern. He learned nothing from his previous infidelity, such as why he cheated and how to safeguard.

Your own boundaries need strengthening. Why have you been tolerating the constant messaging? What consequences did you impose the last time?

2019willbegreat · 19/02/2019 15:08

Sorry OP but in the context of you later posts I would say he is indeed buffering her up....but not for work related reasons. I don't know how you can handle this given his cheating and lying in the past. Just awful of him.

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