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Original poster

DH doesn't fancy my after having a baby?

29 replies

MummEE2 · 19/02/2019 07:47

Mine and my husbands sex life has always been good. He often initiated sex and we had it a minimum once every week (usually more). Since having our DS 4 months ago we've had sex 3 times. He never initiates it anymore. There's been times when we could have had it when baby is asleep but he's said he's hungry and had food instead!! Very very out of character.

I suggested my friend looks after the baby so we can do something as a couple. I was excited my friend offered to babysit but he just looked down at his phone! Didn't say anything, didn't want to plan anything.

He's suggested going out with his friends and said I'm invited but when I said I'll try sort childcare so I can actually go he's appeared disappointed..

Is he having an affair? Or Has him seeing me give birth affected how he sees me? I feel he no longer fancies me. What can I do???

OP posts:
Hanab · 19/02/2019 07:51

Ask him?
Sometimes when men see the actual birth of their kid it traumatises them ...
besides ignoring the not so subtle hints from you is there any other reason you may think he is an affair?

Hanab · 19/02/2019 07:52

*having an affair

CJ357119 · 19/02/2019 08:02

It’s very early days after a life changing event so i am sure it will be linked to that. How anyone can suspect affair with the level of information the OP has given is ludicrous. Take no notice of that.

Some men find the birth of a child very traumatic and it can take some time to recover.

In addition to that, your hormones will be all over the place too.

Just give it time

ConfCall · 19/02/2019 08:34

I'd give it a bit more time OP, the birth was very recent still. I very much doubt it's an affair on the basis of what you've divulged.

Adora10 · 19/02/2019 10:04

May not be an affair but he's not treating you very nice, where is the support, it's you who carried the baby and gave birth! Gets right on my nerves folk bleating on about the poor man; he sounds selfish and uninterested and I'd be having it out with him.

ukgift2016 · 19/02/2019 13:00

He may be solely seeing you as a mother now and not as a wife.

Date night was a good idea OP. It is sad he turned it down.

I would have a chat with him about what been going on and how he seems to have gone cold on you. Suggest the date night again, to reignite the spark.

ittakes2 · 19/02/2019 18:33

Yes have a chat - watching my C section traumatised my hubby and affected our sex life.

Dormouselike · 19/02/2019 19:54

Seems very soon after having a baby to worry about it to me. Hormones, being freaked out by the massive change and many new emotions, lack of sleep, him seeing you as a mother, pressure of being a new dad and plenty of other issues could contribute to your sex life not being back to normal yet.

AldiProsecco · 19/02/2019 21:03

I'd turn it round a bit and say that you're in danger of friend zoning him. He isn't affectionate or attentive towards you and it's a turn off for you.

See how he responds of course. I think it's a bit more ''empowered'' than ''don't you fancy me???'' which could turn him off more.

ASk the question but in a way that lets him know you love you. Iykwim.

AldiProsecco · 19/02/2019 21:04

Actually, yes, four months pp is not a sign that things are dead between you!

Original poster
MummEE2 · 19/02/2019 21:25

Yes I think it's unlikely to be an affair really..The only reason why I mentioned that is because of the massive lack of sex drive in my DH-when previously he had a very high sex drive and was always wanting it.

The night out with his friends is coming up and my friend is working that day so can't babysit after all. Because of the lack of sex I'm so insecure I feel like I don't want my DH to go. If he doesn't view me as a wife and sees me just as a mother now I'm worried he'll meet someone he actually fancies when he's out. He's good looking and I know girls approach him when out. It's so bad me even thinking that I know..I think it is the hormones as I'm BF too.

I'll suggest date night again. Any other ideas? Should I buy new underwear or something?

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 19/02/2019 21:49

Don't go buying anything.....ask him straight out what his problem is! He's your husband not a high school crush.

reallemonade · 20/02/2019 07:11

Try not to worry too much about other women. There will always be someone younger, more attractive, funnier etc than our current partner.

Maybe he's worried about baby being left with someone else? Maybe he's tired or stresses? I'd say outright that you'd like a date night just the two of you.

Fairylea · 20/02/2019 07:19

I mean this kindly but someone who has gone from having sex once a week to hardly wanting sex after having a new baby sounds really normal! I also think someone who previously had sex only once a week doesn’t have a high sex drive- that’s really low / average to most people. I wouldn’t panic, I genuinely think most people are really put off sex when their kids are little, it’s so exhausting!

My dh and I have been married nearly ten years and when the dc were little we hardly had sex at all and gradually it came back. Who wouldn’t rather eat when you’ve hardly slept?!

CheerioHunter · 20/02/2019 07:29

The night out with his friends is coming up and my friend is working that day so can't babysit after all.

I don't know all the details about your relationship, (whether he's out every other week etc). But unless you genuinely think he's cheating etc (which is a different issue really, and from the limited information, I wouldn't jump to that conclusion) I wouldn't suggest stopping him, I know it's harder for you, everything you've been through with giving birth and being there 24/7 for DC, but a evening out with mates laughing and joking could be all he needs to get his straight.

If not, as above, I suspect he's probably seeing you as a mother rather than partner at the moment, but that should pass quickly as long as it's not made in to a huge issue.
If the birth, of even pregnancy generally was tough that could have hit him and he needs to work through that.

You sound great, sound very reasonable. Just carry on giving him some space, give him encouragement and keep it fun.

Keep any chats about it easy going and fun.

I know it perhaps seems like tiptoeing around another child, but you give the impression he's usually great, just give him a bit of time then he can make it up to you when his heads back in the game!

CheerioHunter · 20/02/2019 07:31

sorry, above post was supposed to quote that you were not sure you wanted to let him go.

FlagFish · 20/02/2019 07:39

Your baby is still tiny and your relationship is going through big changes. I don't think the change in your sex life is unusual at this point. It sounds like your husband isn't handling it very well, but I don't think that stopping him going out with his friends or buying new underwear is the answer here. It's more about staying connected as a couple.

I know some people think they're a bit cringe, but I'm a fan of a weekly date night. It doesn't matter if you can't find a babysitter - you can do it at home just as well. Cook something nice together, ban TV and phones for the evening, talk to each other, remember why you love each other. If it ends in sex then great, but no pressure if one of you doesn't feel like it.

FrozenMargarita17 · 20/02/2019 08:22

I have a 19 month old and we definitely don't have as much sex as we did before. I hardly want it at all (shattered, touched out and feel like I do so much all day it's just another job). DH has been great at giving me space - maybe yours is trying to give you space too? Your baby is still very small.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 20/02/2019 08:25

Does he respond if you initiate it? Maybe he just needs geeing up a bit.

NotTheFordType · 20/02/2019 08:29

@CJ357119
"hi, I'm in a relationship with a human, how likely is it that they wil have sex with a different human from me?"
90%

Jaffacakebeast · 20/02/2019 08:36

Put it on him when he comes back from the pub a bit drunk, if he knockes you back ask him why? Simple

CheerioHunter · 20/02/2019 11:07

Put it on him when he comes back from the pub a bit drunk, if he knockes you back ask him why? Simple

Really?!
A serious issue being confronted when one party is drunk and the other party is feeling err, for want of a better phrase, emotional or unwanted?

That's got disaster written all over it!

Original poster
MummEE2 · 20/02/2019 13:10

That's a good point about maybe DH just giving me space as he thinks I might not want it.

I know sex once a week is not a lot but that was minimum, he would try it most days with me but I'd be tired so would turn him down at times. Since DC was born he just doesn't seem interested. He always used to cuddle me too, up to the point where I would feel it's too much for me (it really was a lot). Now we still cuddle but hardly at all. I know I've got a baby stuck to me most of the time so it's difficult but if he made an effort things would be better.

Out of the 3 times we've had sex since our child was born I've initiated on 2 occasions.

OP posts:
CountessVonBoobs · 20/02/2019 13:16

Don't buy anything, don't resort to passive aggressive subterfuges. Talk to him. "You don't seem interested in sex or being affectionate since DC was born, what's going on with that?"

"It hurts my feelings that you don't seem interested in sex with me and you didn't really seem to want me to come out with you."

Tell him that. See what he says.

Original poster
MummEE2 · 20/02/2019 13:17

He does things like kiss me or say things like he wants me but only when it's obvious it's not possible at that time-e.g. I'm feeding baby and baby is wide awake. It's almost like he chooses those moments.

Then when it's possible he's busy playing a game on his phone or hungry.

OP posts:
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