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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

......So he’s married

28 replies

GirlabouttownxXx · 19/02/2019 00:47

I posted on here not too long ago. I was pregnant and wanted to reach out to the family of my ex as I felt I was being kept in the dark.

I reached out to his mother and told her she could be a part l of my sons life even if her dickhead son didn’t want to be. She was shocked as she knew nothing about me. Anyway I left feeling hopeful that I had done the right thing by my son.

He’s 4 months now. Never heard from her. So I wrote her a letter giving her one last opportunity to be in my sons life if she so wished. Nothing.

So I left it. Today I randomly was going through a social media site and found out that my ex got married early this year! I was fuming and obviously hurt. We had been together over 2 years. Everything was a lie.

He basically lied and said his visa had run out and that he had the leave the country all to escape taking responsibility for his child.

My question is should I tell his now wife? I have evidence of pictures but I deleted all messages to and from him on my phone. My family and friends say I should leave him to it but I just don’t think I can. I don’t want him back at all but should I let his wife know?

Sorry my writing is all over the place but I can’t sleep

OP posts:

ImNotKitten · 19/02/2019 01:40

Yes tell her. She has the right to know.

Amberheartkitty · 19/02/2019 01:50

Yes tell her. Why should the bastard get away with it? She deserves to know. She has a right not to live a life of lies like you did. She has a right not to waste her life with a scum bag.
Be brave and do the right thing.

Tavannach · 19/02/2019 02:05

No, I wouldn't. You'll just be making trouble for yourself and your baby as well as for him. Try to move on. Living well is the best revenge and all that.
I'd keep an eye on social media every few months though and the moment he's back in the country hit him with the CMS.

RogersVideo · 19/02/2019 02:22

I would tell her before she has children with him.

jackio2205 · 19/02/2019 02:28

I honestly don't think you need this drama right now, just leave it, decide at a later point and ask why really are you doing it, what benefit will you get from it? You don't know his wife and you don't know him anymore, they could give you hell in the worst case scenario. I know there's opinion on doing the right thing, but that also comes with being the right person for the job, and when you've got your own stuff to deal with, is it worth getting involved in what could be hell for you? Being seen as 'the other woman' will be horrible and she may not thank you for it? For now just focus on you and baby and your own happiness, you'll feel a lot better for it xxxx

JasonGideon · 19/02/2019 02:38

Gosh, I remember your post because it mirrored my own situation so much- and now it does even more.
I wouldn’t get in touch- she might ignore you like his mother did. You need to accept he is a bastard and not the man youbthought he was and enjoy your sweet boy on your own. I’m sorry for how you must be feeling OP.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 19/02/2019 02:42

If you want revenge and to punish him then yes. If you want to move on and start a life for you and your child no

Coolaschmoola · 19/02/2019 02:46

CMS. That'll do the talking for you.

Hanab · 19/02/2019 05:47

You have to get in touch with them both.. he has to man up and pay for a child he had a part in creatung and she need to know that any kids they have, have an older sibling. Wether or not they want anything to do with your child is a different matter.

I am hoping his marriage is not 1 of those where it’s purely for him to remain in the country & the unsuspecting bride thinks is love ...

Twizzleegg · 19/02/2019 05:55

Think about yourself and your baby. If you think confronting your ex and his wife will be positive for you two then consider it.

You owe nothing to the wife. He will tell her you're a lying jealous ex... and you know he's comfortable lying.

I would move on. Be the best person you can be for you and your don, and teach your don respect for others.

SD1978 · 19/02/2019 06:08

Sorry- I'm not clear- he got married after he left the country, or was already married? I don't see what's to gain from telling his wife, if it's the latter. His family obviously don't want to be involved with your child, which is crappy, but at least you can draw a line under it all and try to move on x

Twizzleegg · 19/02/2019 06:21

Son not don!

Springwalk · 19/02/2019 06:23

I would tell them both, it is with one thing having an affair, quite another having a baby. She needs to know before she has children with him, and decide for herself.
Contact CM for maintenance.

niceupthedanceagain · 19/02/2019 07:11

No I wouldn't tell her.
My one regret from being in a similar situation is that I focussed on trying to get DS's dad involved when I could have spent more energy on being a mum.

Starlight456 · 19/02/2019 07:15

I would just go to cms and move on with my life’s

Focus on what you do have. You only hurt yourself doing all this .

slipperywhensparticus · 19/02/2019 07:18

Just claim child support the family is on notice you exist so it shouldn't be a surprise

Aimarge · 19/02/2019 07:24

Can't you even claim Child support if he's not in the country??!
I would tell her. Imagine if that was you and you didn't know your partner was a scumbag. I'd welcome the information any time.
I didn't find out about my ex's affair (although his family knew) my DD who was 6 caught them in bed together. A lot of relationships have broken down over it.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 19/02/2019 07:30

I’m not clear whether he’s here or not. Did he lie about the expired visa or was there another relationship in another country? Or a relationship here? Where’s his mother? Is this a relationship he has nurtured or a cultural marriage arranged for him, and he is married because of an expectation?

I think the advice you will get will depend on what the circumstances are.

Shookethtothecore · 19/02/2019 07:36

I would absolutely tell the wife. I would do it as nicely and tactfully as I could. Because I would want to know. But then I would leave it and not expect anything from him or her again as I doubt it would make him contact the child and I felt I did my duty to her to inform her fully to make her own decisions. My ex husband had military or affairs and one of the things that hurt the most and messed me up for ages was the fact I found out people knew and didn’t tell me.

notapizzaeater · 19/02/2019 08:01

I would want to know, realistically his mum won't have told his wife.

ScarletBitch · 19/02/2019 08:04

Your a stalker, your going way ott on this. Stop!!

ShatnersWig · 19/02/2019 08:14

You need to let all of this go now. You were in a relationship for almost two years with a man who never let you meet his family. That should have been an enormous red flag despite all the other nonsense. Despite not living with this man, you had a baby with him. You landed on his mum who didn't even know you existed either - inevitably, because your ex was a slimy bastard who was using you while here temporarily knowing he had someone back in his home country. For whatever reason, she doesn't want to keep in contact with you.

Her decision. Let it go and move on with your life. It's not the wife's fault she's married an arsehole and your focus should be on your child. Don't punish her for his behaviour (and you should have done more checking yourself when all the warning signs were there).

MumsyJ · 19/02/2019 08:17

Perhaps he got married to her to remain in the country?

I'd concentrate on my new born if I were you. Take your time, map out how you'll inform him he's got a child now. Do not involve the wife, she might stand by him and make you look like the crazy ex.

ConfCall · 19/02/2019 08:26

If they're from a culture where divorce is difficult you might not be doing the wife any favours - she will just be trapped and miserable. If not, and she's a woman who genuinely has options, I'd tell her. She may not believe that you didn't have an inkling though, be prepared for that.

greendale17 · 19/02/2019 08:35

@ScarletBitch stalker? Get a grip

I would tell the other woman

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